#cop!ash

Chapter 1

“Is this seat taken?” a woman’s voice drawled, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Huh? Oh, no, go ahead,” I said, motioning to the empty seat next to me at the bar. I held my hand up in a half wave to get the bartender’s attention, “Cal,” I called out to him, “little help?”

“Thanks,” she smiled softly, getting comfortable on the seat and rummaging through her purse for her wallet.

“Not a problem,” I half-smiled back, before turning my attention back to my own drink. I took a sip, still not sure what I was doing here, or if I was in the mood for something stronger.

“Can I buy you a drink?” another guy slurred at the woman. “I mean if he doesn’t have the balls to ask, I will,” he further explained, motioning at me. I rolled my eyes and bit my tongue.

“I’m okay, thank you,” she smiled pleasantly at the man before turning to Calum, the bartender. “Jack and coke, please,” she ordered, handing over some money and her ID. From what I could see, it was an out-of-state ID, but I couldn’t see which state. Based on her accent, I assumed some Southern state.

“Wow,” the man whistled, looking at me, “If you’re not gonna hit on her, I am.”

“Or, you could leave her alone,” I suggested firmly. This is why I don’t go out, I told myself.

“Why don’t we let the lady decide?” he slurred again. “What’s your name, darlin’?”

She looked at the man and smiled another polite smile. Then, “I wouldn’t waste your efforts, I’m not interested, but thank you.” She took the drink from Calum and took a long drink, sighing in content.

I scoffed into my drink. Good for you, I thought to myself.

The man scoffed too, “Not interested, you say? Then why are you by yourself at a bar on a Friday night?”

“Trying to enjoy my night,” she said, her pleasantness fading away to a clipped tone. Another long drink from the glass.

“You’d enjoy it a lot more if you accepted some friendly flirting,” he told her.

“I’d appreciate it if you left me alone, now,” she said, trying to keep her voice both firm but polite.

“You know what I’d apprec-”

“Okay!” I said abruptly, turning to face the guy. “The lady said she wasn’t interested. I strongly suggest you listen to her.”

“Or what, tough guy?” he asked, standing up.

I stood up myself, towering over the guy. “Or you’ll have to deal with me.”

He looked me up and down thinking over his choices. He shook his head, grabbed his jacket, and walked out of the bar.

I sighed and sat back down. “Sorry, we’re not all like that, I promise,” I told her.

The anger she had towards the guy turned full force on me, “I didn’t ask, nor did I want your help. I had that handled just fine, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

She let out a small scream of frustration. “Ugh! You’re impossible!”

“You don’t know the first thing about me,” I told her.

“Oh, so you don’t have a savior complex? I’m not some damsel in distress. I can hold my own.”

“Just trying to help.” It wasn’t worth getting mad that she was mad. I didn’t know her or her story. But you want to, my brain told me. I shook my head to get rid of the thought. I turned my attention to the baseball game on the TV, the only reason I had agreed to go out in the first place.

“Well, next time, don’t,” she retorted, pursing her lips.

“And sit idly by while some douche says derogatory comments towards you? Can’t do that.”

“And why not?”

“Why don’t you ask my savior complex?” I teased.

This got a laugh out of her, “Alright, maybe I overreacted. I’m just trying to prove that I can take care of myself.”

“You moved this far to prove a point?” I asked.

“What?”

“The accent. Southern?”

“Good ear,” she smiled.

I shrugged. It was an easy enough accent to detect. “And what possessed you to move from the warmth of the South to the bitter cold of Seattle?”

“Grad school,” she confessed.

I nodded, slowly, “That’s cool.” She had drive, and while I’d never be able to wrap my head around someone willingly subjecting themselves to grad school, I could appreciate the ambition.

She shrugged, “Just prolonging life.” Her tone was almost bitter, like she wasn’t sure whether or not she believed it.

“I get the feeling someone fed you that bullshit line.”

Another laugh, “Bingo!” Then, “So, what do you do?”

“Oh, I’m a cop.”

Her eyes went wide. “Wow, that’s… incredibly impressive.”

I shrugged, “It’s not as glamorous as you’d think.”

“Rough week, huh?” she asked, nodding at my glass.

I laughed, “It’s just club soda. I try not to drink too often.”

She raised her eyebrows, “Girlfriend doesn’t like you drinking?”

“Oh, I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Oh?”

“Not a lot of time,” was as much as I was willing to fess up to a perfect stranger, no matter how pretty I found her.

She nodded slowly, pursing her lips. “Nice tattoos,” she said, changing the subject.

“Thanks,” I said, my left arm self-consciously covering the tattoo on my right forearm. So, where you from?”

“Atlanta.”

“And you moved here for college?”

She nodded, “Yep.”

“Why? I mean, why Seattle?”

“Change of pace. Trying to broaden my horizons and whatnot.”

“And the boyfriend wasn’t a fan?”

She scoffed, “No he was not. Which is why he got bumped to ex-boyfriend.”

“Ah, so now you come to bars to verbally abuse the good guys, huh?” I teased.

“Keeps ‘em on their toes,” she smiled, her eyes dancing.

“Most would say being defensive is a front,” I told her.

“Most would say being secretive is also a front,” she shot back.

I leaned back. She was quick-witted; I liked that. “How am I secretive?”

“Quiet guy at a bar by himself, defender of innocent girls from the regular creeps? You’re right, open book.”

“Not secretive, just uninteresting.”

“Bullshit. You’re a cop. By definition that makes you interesting.”

“My job is interesting. But me? Not so much. Pretty basic stuff.”

“Oh really?”

“Really,” I assured. I finished my drink and drummed my hands against the bar, contemplating my next move. I wanted to get back home, but a huge part of me wanted to stay right where I was. “Um… you got a safe way to get home?”

She laughed a small, short laugh. “Is that your attempt at asking to see me home?”

I shrugged, “In my own incredibly lame way, I guess so.”

She took the last swallow from her glass. “Every instinct is screaming at me, but I got a gut feeling that says you’re one of the good guys. Even if I don’t even know your name.”

“It’s Ash,” I told her, offering my hand.

“Ash,” she repeated, taking my hand and smiling. “I’m Nic.”

“Okay, Nic,” I said, liking the way her name sounded on my lips. “Can I walk you home?”

“Really?”

“Call it an apology for my reckless savior-complex.”

She eyed me carefully. “This isn’t a ploy so you can murder me, is it?”

“Oh yeah, I’m the Barkeep Killer. I get rid of douchebag creeps for innocent girls so they think I’m the good guy. Under the ‘good guy’ guise I offer to walk them home, so I can murder them because the one thing I can’t protect them from is my own bloodlust that can only be tamed by killing.” I couldn’t keep a straight face, and we both started cracking up with laughter. We laughed until our eyes teared up and it hurt to breathe.

“So, you really want to walk me home?” she finally asked after we caught our breath.

I shrugged. “Yeah. Not that it’s not safe, or you’re not capable of taking yourself home. It’s just… I dunno… I’m overstepping. Sorry…” I couldn’t think of a good enough reason to walk her home that didn’t sound completely insane. And she was right, I could be a murderer or some other sort of psycho. I wasn’t, but she didn’t know that.

“No, it’s just we’d literally have to walk. I didn’t bring my car. I only live a few blocks away.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I walked, too. I mean, I have a car, I just left it at home.” I reached for my jacket and stood up, “Shall we?” I asked.

She stood up and slung her purse over her shoulder. She smiled at me, “Yeah, let’s go.”

“Lead the way.”

“Fair warning,” she said as we made our way to the street. “Try anything and I will scream.”

I held up my hands defensively. “You can trust me. As stupid and as crazy as that seems, you can, okay? Like, yeah I can be a jackass sometimes, but I’m a pretty good dude.”

“Are you now?”

“Yeah. Okay, so I have a little sister. A brother to, but that’s slightly irrelevant to this particular story. Anyway growing up the one thing that was reinforced just as much as protecting her, was ‘treat girls the way you want guys to treat your sister. If you don’t want someone to treat your sister that way, don’t treat other girls that way.’ So, I try to look out for the female population as best I can. Cuz all the other girls are someone else’s sister or daughter. And I like to think that there are other guys out there who’d look out for my sister if I couldn’t myself.” I left out the daughter bit of the equation. I learned more times than I could count that dropping the “I have a daughter” bomb didn’t bode well for romance.

“Wow… that’s actually really sweet of you.”

“Golden rule right? Treat people the way you want to be treated. Or in this case, treat girls the way I want guys to treat my sister. Either way, it’s really not a big deal. I’m happy to do it.”

“So, do you walk a lot?” she asked after a small lull.

I shrugged, “I like the exercise.”

She took a step back to eye me up and down. “You must like to exercise a lot…”

I laughed. Admittedly, I was a well-built guy. It was the kind of body a guy built after joining the police force and chasing criminals, and keeping up with a five year old. “I just keep busy,” I half-lied.

“Oh, this is all from being a cop? Bullshit.”

I laughed again, “And walking.” She laughed with me, our laughs echoing off the buildings. “So, tell me something about yourself no one else knows,” I said, trying to make conversation as we walked to her place.

“Hmm…” she thought for a minute. “Alright. Despite the fear instilled in me by double-standards and plain old sexism, I love this time of night. When half the world is settling in for the night and the other half is getting ready for a night out, I feel so… alive. Like I’m part of something bigger than myself, y’know?”

I nodded. “It’s part of why I walk. The world seems almost peaceful.”

“And incredibly cold,” she laughed, breathing into her hands and rubbing them together.

Without thinking, I took my jacket and draped it around her shoulders. “Not used to the weather yet?”

“Yeah, I’ve only been here for a few weeks.” She put her arms through the sleeves before zipping up the jacket.

“And how are you liking it so far?” I asked, draping my arm around her shoulders.

She leaned into me as we continued to walk. “It’s nice. A little colder than I’m used to, but it’s still nice. So, what about you, Mr. Cop?”

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno. Tell me about yourself.”

I shrugged. “I’m a 25 year old cop who likes to walk. What’s to tell?”

“You forgot the part about saving girls from creeps in bars.”

“Only the pretty verbally abusive ones.”

“Pretty?” she asked, stopping to look at me.

“Not… like you’re pretty verbally abusive. Not pretty pretty. Well, you are… but…” I sputtered. Why did this girl make me feel like such a dupe? I took my hat off to run my hand through my hair before putting the hat back on. “Yeah, you’re pretty.”

“You're not so bad lookin’ yourself,” she responded before walking a few more steps, stopping again in front of a large apartment complex. “Well, this is me.”

I let out a laugh as my eyes fell on the address.

“What?” she asked.

“I think we’re neighbors.” I laughed again as I recalled a group of girls in sorority shirts hauling up boxes between fits of giggles a few weeks ago.

Her eyes looked at me, searching my face for an ounce of familiarity. “You’re ‘ladies’ guy!” she exclaimed when it finally clicked.

I laughed for a third time. Anytime I had passed one of them I’d always said a small “Ladies,” as I made my way out to work or came home. “That’s me.”

“I didn’t recognize you without the cop uniform,” she laughed at the sheer coincidence of it all.

“I didn’t recognize you either, so I guess we’re even.”

“Who’s the girl you’re always with?” she asked.

I gulped, wondering which girl she was referring to.

“You know, the tall, pretty one,” she pressed, sensing my hesitation.

I sighed in relief, “That’s my sister. She’s over a lot.”

She reached in her purse to pull out her keys and undid the lock. Her roommates were hanging out in the living room and immediately all their eyes went to me. Then, “Who’s this? Who cares, he’s cute!” came rushing out in a whirlwind.

“Girls, this is Ash. Ash, this is Kayla, Sasha, and Natalie.”

“Nice to meet you, ladies,” I nodded.

The same sense of familiarity flicked across their faces once the word “ladies” left my lips. “Oh! You’re him!”

“Yes. Ash is our neighbor,” Nic explained. “He was just walking me home.”

I nodded again, rocking on my heels. “Yeah, well, I guess my job here’s done. Night ladies. Nic.” I nodded again and turned towards my own door.

“Wait,” Nic called out, closing the small distance between us. “Thank you, Ash,” she smiled before reaching up to kiss my cheek.

“Anytime,” I said, ducking my head to hide my face turning red. I quickly unlocked my door and let myself in.

My sister looked up from the couch, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you back so soon.”

I shrugged. “Wasn’t feeling it.”

Lauren shook her head, “You’re never ‘feeling it’, Ash. That’s the problem.”

“How’s that a problem?”

“Because you deserve to have a life, Ash.”

“I have a life, Lauren.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. Where’s your jacket?”

“Must’ve left it at the bar,” I lied.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“I met a girl. I walked her home. She got cold. I gave her my jacket.”

“You met a girl?! What?!”

I shrugged. “It’s nothing. Turns out she’s my new neighbor. I’ll get my jacket back eventually.”

“You can’t just casually mention that you met a girl, Ash.”

“Yes, I can. It doesn’t mean anything. I got other things more important than some girl.”

“But what if she’s the girl?”

“Then she’s right down the hall. She still up?” I asked, changing the topic.

“She was dozing off when I last checked.”

I nodded. “You staying? You can have my bed. I’ll take the couch.”

She shook her head, “It’s early and a Friday night. I’ll probably see if Adam wants to do anything.”

I raised my eyebrows. I wasn’t sure I liked the thought of my sister being out with a guy by herself, no matter how much I liked the guy.

“I’ll be fine, Ash. I’ll see ya later.” She grabbed her coat and purse before heading for the door.

“Thanks, Lauren. See ya,” I told her as she pulled the door shut behind her. I made my way down the hallway, poking my head in the bedroom on the right. A night light glowed brightly, casting the bed in a soft glow. I slowly made my way across the dolls and various other toys towards the bed. “Night, Cass,” I whispered, pulling the covers over the little body and kissing her forehead.

“Daddy?” Cassidy’s voice asked, heavy with sleep.

“What’s up, love?” I asked, my voice low.

“You missed bedtime.”

“I know. We’ll go to the park tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Alright, get some sleep. I love you.”

“Love you, too.” She rolled over and fell back asleep.

I made my way out of the room and into my own. I sighed as I put my wallet and keys on my dresser and got changed for bed. This is why I don’t go out, I told myself for the second time that night. But Nic’s nice, and you wouldn’t have met her if you stayed home tonight, another part of my brain pointed out. Yeah, but how would she feel when she finds out I have sole custody of my five year old? I asked myself. I crawled into bed, my mind arguing with itself and my cheek still tingling from Nic’s lips.

~~~

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Chapter 2

“Oh, c’mon Cal. It’s Sunday night,” I said into the phone.

“Just come out with me, Ash. I met this girl. She has friends. It’s just a small hang. Nothing major.”

“A small hang actually makes it worse, Cal. That means I’d have to interact with people.”

“Good! Less chance of you moping in the corner all night. Get dressed. We’re doing this.”

“I don’t mope…”

“Yes, you do. Look, can’t Lauren watch Cass for the night? She watched her last week.”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright,” I caved. “If Lauren’s free to watch Cass I’ll go. But only for a bit.”

“Wait, for real? Alright!”

About an hour later, we pulled up in front of a house. Music poured out from the back yard and I could hear noise of conversations, laughter, and the splashing of the pool. “You ready?” Calum asked me as we walked up.

I adjusted my hat on my head and let out my breath. “I guess.”

He turned to go towards a girl who was waving at us and smiling. “Have some fun for once, yeah?”

I looked around, watching him go off with some girl. I spotted where the drinks were and made my way over to see what they had: cheap beer, tequila, and water. I groaned and settled for a water. It was probably best if I didn’t drink anyhow.

I maneuvered through the crowd, trying not to spill my drink or theirs as people brushed past me without a care in the world. I took a deep drink from the water. “Mmm, shit! Sorry,” I quickly said as I almost collided with a girl.

“Ash?” Nic asked, clearly surprised to see me.

“Hey,” I said, trying to hide my own surprise. “Wanna drink?”

“I’m good,” she said, holding up her own water.

I half-smiled, “Cool.” I rocked back and forth on the heels of my feet trying to figure out what to say. I’d been avoiding her in the halls at home, trying to push her from my mind as best I could. But, every time I tried to sleep I just remembered the way her lips had brushed my cheek, and how badly I wanted to feel her lips on my skin again. Nic didn’t need to become attached to someone like me. I knew I was too busy to give her the kind of attention a girl like her deserved. And she was building a life for herself. She needed someone who was building a life for himself too, not some guy raising a kid. That didn’t stop me from wanting her though.

“Hey… um… you left your jacket,” she told me.

“Oh, is that where it is? Cool.”

“Yeah… um… is everything okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh… cuz you seem a little…”

“Nah, just busy. Sorry.”

“Okay… Well, it was good seeing you, Ash.” She smiled and walked off to find her friends.

I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose, cursing myself. “Whoa, who was that?” Calum asked, appearing by my side.

“Just some girl.”

“Some girl… isn’t that the girl from the bar?”

“Yeah.”

“Go talk to her! Make something happen!”

“Cal… she’s… I’m… it’s…”

“What?”

“She deserves someone better than me, okay?”

“So?”

“So, I can’t do that to her. I’m not gonna waste her time when I have literally nothing to give her.”

“Ash. For once in your life, stop doubting yourself. You have more to offer her than anyone else here. And more than that, you’re actually a damned good guy. Go. Go!”

I sighed, took another drink, and walked over to Nic. “Hey,” I said, interjecting myself in their conversation. “Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, sure,” she smiled and followed me to a quieter part of the house. I was acutely aware of the eyes on us and the jealousy. “So, what’s up?”

“I… uh… I was wondering if you… uh…. wantedtogooutsometime?” I rushed.

“Go out? With you?”

“Yeah…”

“Sure. I’d love to.”

“Great. How’s Friday? Or whichever day works best for you.”

“How about now?” she asked coyly.

I nodded my head fast. “That works.” Then, “Did you want to get out of here? Maybe get some real drinks?”

“Yeah, sure. Are we walking?”

 I laughed at the joke, “I actually drove this time, so we can take my truck if you want.”

“Awesome. Let me just tell the girls I’m leaving.”

Yeah, I gotta tell my friend, too. Meet you out front in five?” She nodded then walked back to her friends while I scanned the crowd for Calum. “Hey, Cal. I’m leaving.”

“What? Ash…”

“It’s not like that. I got a date.”

“What? Ash!”

“Yeah, so you're good?”

“Yeah, I’ll find a way home. Have fun on your date!”

I laughed as I made my way out of the house and found Nic on the porch. “Ready?” I asked, offering her my arm.

She wrapped her arm around mine, our fingers brushing together as we interlaced them. “Yeah,” she smiled. “You know, you had me worried there for a minute. I thought I had scared you away.”

“Nah, I don’t scare easy,” I told her as I opened the door for her. We let go of each other as she got in the front seat. I gently closed the door before making my way into the driver’s seat, saying a silent prayer that I had left Cassidy’s car seat with Lauren.

“Can I ask what happened then? I mean, it’s okay if you don’t like me. Or aren’t interested in me that way or whatever.”

“No. I like you, Nic. It has nothing to do with you. I’m just…”

“Just what?”

“Alright… I’ll just put this out here and you can make your choice. I’m not good enough for you. You’re a girl who clearly has a bright future ahead of you. And I… well… I’m just… I have a five year old.”

“What?”

“I’m a single dad. I have sole custody over my daughter. So, if you’re looking for something serious, I’m probably not the guy to get serious with. That’s all.”

“And are you looking for something serious?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure what I want. But I know that I like you. And I’m willing to see where that goes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Okay, I’m also willing to see where this goes.”

I smiled and started driving. “So, tell me about yourself. I don’t know much about you besides your name and that you moved here for grad school.”

She let out a small laugh. “Well, I’m Nic. It’s short for Nicole. I grew up in Atlanta. I went to college there. Moved here for grad school. I needed a chance of pace.”

“Nicole… Pretty. What are you going to school for?”

“Rehabilitation medicine.”

“Wow… so like sports injuries and stuff?”

“Hopefully.”

“So, do you like sports?”

“Sort of. My dad’s more of a fan than I am. But I know enough, I guess.”

“So are you more into baseball or football?”

“Both, I guess. Football is easier to follow for me, but baseball’s more exciting.”

“Well, yeah, it’s easy to follow a team that only plays 1 game a week.”

She laughed, “That’s why I like it.”

I laughed too. “That’s cool though. So, you’re an Atlanta fan?”

“Yep,” she nodded. “And you’re a…” she looked at my hat which was my Seattle Mariners cap. “Seattle fan. Go figure.”

“I could say the same, Miss Atlanta,” I teased.

In a swift motion, she took my hat off my head, flipped it frontwards and placed it on her own. She flipped down the visor and stared at her reflection, posing here and there. “Hmm… the blue’s kinda nice.”

I looked over at her, my hat low on her head. “Looks good on you,” I told her.

“Oh, now you ruined it! I can’t look good in a Seattle hat!” She laughed loudly as she handed me back my hat. I quickly flipped it backwards and slid it on. “There, much better. Although, you look good without the hat, too.”

“Yeah?” I looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror. I looked like I always did. I took off my hat and ran my hand through my hair, giving it a ruffled, “rolled out of bed” look. I shrugged. To me, hat or no hat, I looked like I always had.

“So are you just one of those guys that always looks good?”

I laughed, “I guess. Going from a high school athlete to the police academy to keeping up with a five year old will do that to a guy.”

“Well, you look amazing.”

I laughed again, feeling my cheeks turn red. “Thanks. You look amazing too. Stunning, really.”

“Well, it’s hard to help with rehab if I’m not in shape myself. Plus I was a dancer.”

“Dancer?”

“Yeah, I was on my high school and college dance teams. Did cheer and gymnastics too.”

“Wow… that’s actually really hot,” I admitted. “So what do you do for fun? Like in your downtime?”

She shrugged. “Typical stuff. Read, watch TV, listen to music. Nothing weird or super cool I guess. Why? Do you have a cool or weird hobby?”

“Kinda? I play music.”

“Like instruments? What kind?”

“Little bit of everything. Mostly guitar and drums though.”

“That’s cooler than what I do.”

“Oh, c’mon. There’s gotta be something cool you do.”

“I mean, I draw.”

“See? That’s cool! Just doodles or…?”

“Doodles mostly.”

“Very cool,” I said as I pulled my truck onto a gravel road and stopped. I shut off my engine, but left the radio playing. “This is my favorite place,” I admitted, not really sure why I was telling her that or why I took her here.

“It’s beautiful,” she admired, staring out the windshield towards Puget Sound, the sun starting to sink into the horizon.

“I like to come here when the world gets a little too fast for me. I come here and time seems to slow down.” Again, I had no idea why I was telling her these things.

“I can see why you would. I mean, yeah Atlanta is a city, but it’s still a southern town. So there’s stillness to it. Here? Well, everything seems so busy.”

I shrugged. “It’s home. Well, actually my mom and I moved here from Australia. But I was two, so I consider here home.”

“Australia?!”

I laughed. “Yup. But, like I said. I consider here to be home. Well, Monroe’s home.”

“Is Monroe far from here?”

I shook my head. “Bout a half hour drive.”

“And your mom’s still in Monroe?”

I nodded. “Yep. She’s still in the same house with my stepdad and little brother. Harry’s still in high school.”

“And your sister?”

“Lauren’s in Tacoma for college. So, she’s close too.”

“Are you close with your family?”

I nodded again, “Yeah, they help me a lot with raising Cass. My sister’s babysitting her now.”

“And Cass is your daughter? What’s that like? Being a single dad?”

“Hard,” I laughed. “Very hard. Her mom’s not in the picture, so it was hard both losing her and dealing with that on top of trying to raise a newborn. It was like hitting the jackpot on the worst possible luck.”

“That sounds rough, I’m sorry.” Her hand reached out to gently squeeze mine.

I shrugged, “It’s alright. I love being a dad. Just gets lonely sometimes.”

“You’re telling me you haven’t used the hot single dad thing to your advantage?”

I shook my head, “Not that girls haven’t shown interest, or that I haven’t been interested. It’s just hard to maintain anything real when I have to balance being a dad. And I’m not a one-night-stand kind of guy.”

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right girl.”

I shrugged. “It’s possible. But, from my experience, girls dig the hot single dad vibe until the phone rings and I have to break our dates because Cass got sick or had a nightmare. As if I could choose when and when not to be a dad. But Cass is priority number one; and they all think it’s cute until it’s not. It’s cute to be the devoted father until it ruins date night. Then it’s an inconvenience.”

“Well that’s their loss. Like you’re an adult. It’s both stupid and selfish to think that the world doesn’t exist outside the two people sharing the relationship. Outside priorities being what they are, I just want the guy to be loyal.” In the fading light, I could see her face blush red, as she ducked her head and bit her lip.

I felt my heart pick up a little speed in my chest and my own face flush. My next few choices were either going to be the best choices of my life or the worst mistake of my life. I took a breath and bet on it being the former. I gently cupped her chin in my hand, lifting her face to look at mine. “I can be loyal,” I breathed.

“Can you?” came the small murmured question as she looked deep in my eyes.

“Mhm,” I told her before kissing her. It was one of those kisses that started out soft, but turned fierce. With one hand still holding her chin, my other hand wrapped around her back, pulling her into my lap. With her straddling me, I reach for my shirt, tugging it over my head and tossing it to the side with my hat. Her fingers went up to run themselves through my hair before they traced paths across my shoulders and back. I shuddered at her touch, a touch so familiar and that made me hungry for more. It made me painfully aware of how long it had been since I had been with a woman, and how much I had missed this. One of my hands reached up her shirt to undo her bra and the other hand fiddled with the button on her jeans.

“Mmm… Ash… wait…” she said, pulling back, breathing hard.

“Everything okay?” I asked, pulling her back to me.

“I’m… I’m not ready,” she blurted, pushing herself off my lap. She bit her lip while she waited for my mind to catch up.

“Oh…” I looked at her face, half-scared that she had ruined whatever we were building, and probably half-scared she had almost hooked up with me in my truck. “It’s fine,” I told her.

“Really? It’s not because I’m a virgin or anything. Like I’ve had sex. I just… we… I’m not ready to do this with someone I barely know. Sex means something to me.”

“That’s fine,” I told her, pulling her towards me. “I like you for you, Nic. We don’t have to do anything we don’t both feel 100 percent comfortable with.”

“Really?” This time, there wasn’t as much fear in her voice as there was surprise.

“Yes,” I told her again, kissing her. “Honest. I’m fine.”

“Sorry…”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” In truth, I was a little glad she had stopped us. I was clearly more willing to put myself out there than I had been until today. But, I still wasn’t sure if I was ready for what came with having sex with someone, especially since the last time had left me with a broken heart and a daughter. I reached for my shirt and pulled it back on before fiddling with the radio. The music pumping through my speakers was the only sound as we watched the sun fade into the night. She scooted over the bench seat and rested her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her and kissed the top of her head, breathing in her smell. “So, you dance, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she answered.

“Dance with me,” I told her, opening my door and getting out. “C’mon,” I coaxed, holding my hand out for her.

She giggled and got out of the truck, taking my hand. I spun her in a circle before pulling her close and started swaying us side to side. She let out another giggle, “You’re ridiculous, y’know that? And you can’t dance.”

“All I have to do is spin you in circles,” I pointed out.

“There’s more to it than that,” she laughed.

“You’re the dancer,” I conceded. Then, “Just dance with me,” I begged, pulling her close. In the headlights of my truck, underneath the stars, we danced and sang along with the radio.

~~~

Chapter 5

Knowing that Nic knew about Taylor, my mind was free to focus solely on building my relationship with Nic, no longer worried about what would happen if she found out about my past. Still wary, I treasured every moment I held her in my arms and every kiss we shared. I memorized the way her face crinkled near her nose and her head tilted back when she laughed, until it was hard to breath and she had to wipe away tears. My heart raced every time her sweet voice drawled out my name.

We spent most nights tangled up in my sheets, praying the sun wouldn’t come up. For a while, she would beg with her breathtaking eyes and her mouth pouting for me to play my guitar and sing to her. I laughed, saying that I played plenty for her. She argued that singing Disney songs and lullabies for Cassidy didn’t count and begged again for me to play for her. I declined for a solid week, telling her that I wasn’t really that good, while secretly teaching myself one of the songs she liked to sing in my truck. I kept declining her requests until I felt I could play the song comfortably, even if my singing wasn’t necessarily the greatest, then I waited for her to ask.

Sure enough, on a Tuesday evening, she asked me again. 

“So, what do you wanna do?” I asked her, as I closed Cassidy’s door after we put her to bed. “I have pretty much every streaming service and regular cable. I’m up for whatever.”

“Well, I’d love to hear you play, but you’ll probably say no again,” she said, making a face.

“You don’t know that,” I told her, making myself busy by straightening up the living room, so she wouldn’t see my smile.

“Will you play? For me? Please, Ash?” she asked. I knew she was pouting and batting her eyes without needing to look at her.

I sighed dramatically, “Okay.”

“Really?!”

I turned to look at her, her eyes wide with excitement. “Yeah,” I smiled at her. “Yeah, I’ll play.” I went to my room to grab my guitar before joining her on the couch. “Alright,” I warned her, “I learned this song cuz I know you like it. So, you’re not allowed to laugh if it’s bad or I mess up. After all, you wanted this.”

She grinned, “Okay, I promise I won’t make fun of you. Now, play!”

I shook my head, laughing to myself about the lengths I was already willing to go through for her. Then, with a deep breath I started playing and singing. Once I strummed out and sang a few lines, I lost myself in the song which was always my favorite part of playing. I tapped my foot along with the beat, grinning like an idiot as I played. I strummed out the last notes, humming along before slowly stopping. “Well?” I asked, feeling self-conscious again.

“Play for me more,” she told me. “You’re good.”

I shrugged, “I’m alright. I’m not gonna quit my day job or anything.”

“You’re still pretty good. What other songs do you know? Besides Disney songs and lullabies?”

I shrugged again. “A lot, but I only play a handful really well. It depends more on how many times I’ve heard the song and played it.”

“So, if I turn on some music, you could probably figure out how to play it.”

I nodded, “Yeah, I could figure it out.”

She smiled mischievously and pulled out her phone. She turned on one of her music apps and country music started blaring through her speaker, loud enough so we could hear, but quiet enough not to wake Cassidy. “Well?” she taunted.

I laughed and listened for a bit before I tried strumming along. While I listened to 80s rock way more than I listened to country, I could pick up the melody faster to country music compared to other genres.

I played along as best I could and we both sang along to the songs that played on her phone until the music stopped; from the heartbreak songs, to the falling in love songs, to the drinking and more rock heavy songs. She danced around in my living room in her sorority t-shirt and shorts that showed off her long legs, both of us lost in the world that went on around us outside my little apartment.

When the music finally stopped, the app asking us if we’re still listening, she collapsed on the couch, breathless and grinning. I gently set my guitar aside as she laid on my lap, her face peering up at mine. “That was fun,” she said once she had caught her breath.

“It was,” I admitted, running my hands through her hair. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here, too,” she answered back.

“No,” I said, clearly my throat, getting serious. “I’m glad I met you. I’m glad Lauren literally shoved me out of the door that night. I’m glad I wandered around the streets aimlessly before ending up at that bar. I’m glad you walked in and sat next to me. I’m even glad that creep hit on you.”

“I’m glad too, Ash. I’m happy you’ve trusted me enough to let me into both yours and Cassidy’s lives. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you.”

“It’s not,” I confessed. “And it’s not because I’m scared of letting people in. Well, I am. But, it’s different. Like if I wasn’t a dad, I’d just be that guy who got dumped by the girl he proposed to. But, I am a dad. And more than that, I’m the dad whose daughter got abandoned by her mother. I have to be very careful about who I let in my life. I mean, I can handle the hurt when things go bad, that’s not the issue. It’s not pleasant, but I can deal. It’s her heart I’m worried about, y’know?”

She nodded. “I know. Well, I don’t, but I see where you’re coming from. The girls think I’m crazy for getting serious with a guy who’s a dad. But I don’t see it that way.”

“And how do you see it?”

“I see it as I’m dating a really sweet guy who happens to be a dad. And a damned good one at that. Cass adores you and you’re absolutely crazy for her. And I’m crazy that you’re crazy for your daughter. Does it suck that we can’t be spontaneous because you need to find a sitter? Or when we are spontaneous, it has to be kid-friendly spontaneous? Admittedly, yes. But so what? I think you being a dad makes you a better partner than someone who isn’t.”

“I know it’s not easy. And I’m sorry that I can’t give you that spontaneity that you could get from different relationships. If I could, I would.”

“Hey,” she said, sitting up and cupping my face in her hands, “Never, and I mean never, apologize to me for being a dad. I love that you’re a dad.”

I stared into her eyes, licking my lips. God, she’s amazing, I thought to myself. How could my life possibly get better than this? Well, I answered, you could always tell her that you love her. I let out a short chuckle and bit my lip. “You,” I said, kissing her. “Are absolu-”

“Daddy?” I heard Cassidy’s voice call out. Then a sharper, more scared, “Daddy!”

I quickly made my way to Cassidy’s room, flinging the door open and rushing to her side. I pulled her out of bed and held her tight against me as we sat on her floor. “Shh,” I soothed as she sobbed in my arms. “I’m here. It’s alright. Daddy’s gotcha.” I rocked her in my arms like I had done when she was much smaller, almost taken aback at how big she was now.

Nic lightly knocked at the door, “Hey,” she said softly. “We okay?”

Cassidy sniffed loudly and looked over at Nic before holding out her arms.

Nic came over and sat down next me, opening her arms so Cassidy could climb into them. “Hey,” Nic soothed, rubbing Cassidy’s back. “It’s alright. You’re okay.”

I watched as Nic held Cassidy and quietly rubbed her back. I smiled and thought about how lucky I was that not only did Nic like Cassidy, but that Cassidy liked Nic enough back to seek her comfort rather than my own.

When Cassidy finally calmed down, we put her back in bed and waited while she fell back asleep. “Sorry,” I mouthed to Nic as we crept out of the room and I gently pulled the door shut.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Where were we?” her sweet voice drawled in my ear, causing me to shudder.

I wrapped my arms around her back and held her close. “I think I was about to tell you that I’m falling for you,” I told her, my voice soft.

“Well, if you had, I would’ve said I’m falling for you, too.” Her eyes peered up into mine.

I stared back in her eyes, and bit my lip. My heart pounded in my chest and my pants grew tight. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist. With one hand holding her up, my other hand cupped her face while I kissed her, softly at first, then stronger and hungrier. I stumbled our way into my room and fell into bed with her still wrapped around me. She pulled my shirt over my head, tossing it aside before reaching down to undo my jeans. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I breathed heavily between kisses.

“No, I want to,” she breathed back as my hands snaked up her stomach and helped her out of her shirt.

“You sure?” I asked, kissing her newly exposed skin.

“Yes,” she moaned. She gasped as I ran my fingers along her skin, then, “You want to, right?”

I paused my exploration to look down in her eyes, “So bad,” I growled. “It’s been awhile, though,” I admitted, suddenly feeling shy and pulling back.

“I don’t care, Ash,” she said, pulling me towards her. “Just don’t stop,” her voice begged me.

I resumed my exploration of her body as we shed more clothes, our breathing got heavier, the kisses got more desperate, and her moans echoed in my head. Even though I hadn’t had sex with anyone since Taylor, my body still remembered what to do. With every touch her body melted more into mine, her fingernails raking across my back, reassuring me and making me more confident as we rolled around in the sheets, feeling like we couldn’t get enough of each other.

~~~

With sex and the near admission of love thrown into the equation, I was more open to letting Nic into the super ordinary aspects of my life, like grocery shopping. My alarm woke us up at 7 on a Saturday after a particularly late night spent wrapped up in each other. I groaned, rubbing my eyes, as I struggled to shut off the beeping. “You’re making it harder and harder for me to get up in the mornings,” I yawned, kissing her.

“You love it,” she drawled, a sleepy grin on her face. “So, what are we doing today?”

“What’s today? Saturday? Grocery shopping.”

“Ooo, how fun,” she teased.

“Tons,” I laughed. “You can join us, if you want.”

“Okay.”

“Really? You want to go grocery shopping on a Saturday morning?”

“Ash,” she sighed. “When will you learn that I don’t care what we do?”

I thought about it for a second. “Probably never,” I finally told her.

“Well, I’ll just have to keep reminding you,” she smiled, kissing me.

After breakfast, a shower, and a small battle over getting Cassidy dressed, we left the apartment to go shopping.

“Alright,” I said, helping Cassidy down from her seat after she unbuckled herself. “Do you want to ride in the cart or walk?” I asked her.

“I wanna walk.”

“Okay, what are the rules, then?”

“You have rules?” Nic asked.

“For Cass, yes,” I explained before turning my attention back to Cassidy. “And Cass knows what they are, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Cassidy told me.

“And what are they?”

“Hold your hand or onto the cart. Don’t run off. Tell you if I have to go potty,” she told me in a dead monotone.

“That’s my girl,” I said. “Let’s go.”

We had barely stepped into the store before Cassidy started tugging at my hand. “Daddy,” she whined.

“What, love?” I asked.

“Bathroom,” she told me, dancing on her toes.

I groaned inwardly. Public bathrooms had always put me in an awkward position being the dad with the daughter. “Okay,” I said, wheeling the cart towards the bathrooms, preparing myself for the stares that followed a guy who lingered outside the women's restroom because God forbid they put in a family bathroom. “Alright, I’ll be right here if you need me,” I told Cassidy.

“You’re not coming? Auntie Lauren and Nana always come with me,” Cassidy told me.

“I know they do. But I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a boy,” I explained.

“That’s bullshit,” she said.

Nic quickly clamped her hand over her mouth to hide her giggles. I pinched the bridge of my nose as the stares started- the dad with the swearing preschooler. “I know,” I admitted. “But we don’t say that word.”

“You say it all the time, though.”

“That’s because it’s a grown up word,” I told her.

“That’s b-” Cassidy started.

“Finish that word, and you’ll sit in the cart,” I warned, my voice stern.

She whined, “But, Daddy! That’s not fair!” She crossed her arms, pouting.

I shrugged, “I know. Now, go please.”

“I can’t go by myself!” she screeched at me, on the verge of a full-blown tantrum.

“Cassidy,” I groaned, “I will be right here. It’s this or I take you in the boy’s. Pick.”

She kept her arms crossed and glared at me.

“Ash, I’ll just take her,” Nic said gently. “Do you want to go with me, Cass?”

Cassidy reluctantly uncrossed her arms and nodded, before taking Nic’s hand and going into the bathroom. I used their temporary leave of absence to calm myself. Tantrums were part of having a kid, and while Cassidy was usually well behaved, she had a strong stubborn streak in her. A streak she only reserved for those she was comfortable enough embarrassing in public and pressing her luck with, which mainly meant me. And now that Nic had won her approval, Cassidy would hold nothing back, which meant both unlimited sweetness and unlimited tantrums.

“Ready?” I asked after the small eternity of awkwardly smiling at moms who glared and held their kids closer and the unspoken bond as dads walked up with their own kids and waited with me.

“Ready,” both Cassidy and Nic said.

“Alright, hand please,” I said to Cassidy.

“I’m holding Nic’s,” she told me defiantly.

I breathed deep, picking my battles. “Fine. But you hold her hand, mine, or the cart, understand?”

“I know,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“And consider losing the attitude,” I added as I started wheeling the cart through the store. “Sorry,” I told Nic as we walked. “I would say that she’s normally not like this, but she is.”

Nic laughed, “Ah, she was waiting to get comfortable before unleashing the full force of her Cass-ness?”

“Yeah, sorry,” I said again, running my hand through my hair. We made our way through the aisles with Cassidy trucking along just fine. We were about halfway through when my phone started ringing. I checked the caller ID and felt my heart drop into my stomach. “Hey, Lu,” I answered. “What’s up?”

“Hey, man. Sorry to bother you but the weekenders called out and Mike needs us in right away,” Luke spoke rapidly.

“They did?” I asked, trying to ignore the churning in my stomach. 

“Yeah, I know.” I could hear his own exasperation at the change of schedule. Because we had families, Mike had been really nice about having us work a regular work week. But every so often we’d get called to fill in for the weekend or night shift. And it sucked.

“Alright, give me like an hour, yeah?”

“Yeah, man, no worries.”

“Alright, see ya in a bit.” I ended the call and looked at both Cassidy and Nic who were staring at me. “That was work,” I told them, biting my lip, preparing for the waterworks from Cassidy.

“Oh,” Nic said in surprise. “Do you need to go?”

“Yeah. Cass, love, do you want Nana and Grandad to watch you, or Auntie Lauren?”

“You,” she told me, crossing her arms.

I crouched down next to her, “I know, love. I want to stay with you too, but I have to go to work.”

Her lips trembled and her eyes watered up. “No,” she said, shaking her head.

“Cass. C’mon, let’s not have this fight. We’ll finish shopping and wait for Nana or Auntie Lauren, okay?”

“No!” she screamed, starting to cry. “No!” she kept wailing as people turned to stare. “Daddy, no!” she begged, wrapping herself around my legs, scream-crying.

I sighed and pulled out my phone, calling my mom first, not wanting to ruin my sister’s Saturday if I didn’t have to. “Hey, Ma,” I said when she picked up. “Yeah, I got called into work, can you come watch Cass? No, yeah I can wait. Yeah, we’re finishing up shopping. Yeah, thanks Mom.” I ended the call and pried Cassidy from my leg, picking her up. “Hey,” I whispered, wiping the tears from her face.

She struggled and whined, even striking me in the chest with her small hands.

“Hey!” I said, sternly, grabbing her hands. “Do not hit me!”

She let out a long wail and buried her face in my shoulder.

I let her scream as I explained to Nic, “My mom’s on her way. So we have time to finish up the shopping. Or I can come back later, if you want me to take you back. I know this isn’t how you imagined your Saturday.”

“Ash,” she said softly, taking my hand, “it’s fine. I promise.”

“If you say so,” I said. Cassidy, meanwhile had moved from being sad to angry again and began pounding her fists against my shoulder. “Ow!” I said angrily even though it didn’t actually hurt. “I said, ‘do not hit me’,” I scolded as I placed her in the seat of the cart. “If you’re going to be upset and mad, that’s fine. But you do not hit me. Understand?”

She stuck out her tongue and blew raspberries at me. When I kept walking, intent on finishing my shopping, Cassidy absolutely lost it. She screamed and started kicking, one of her feet connecting into my upper thigh.

I sucked in my breath, grateful she hadn’t kicked me an inch more to the right, and now really angry. “Cassidy Marie,” I growled, crouching so I was eye level with her. “Knock. It. Off!”

She stared at me, her eyes going from angry to scared that she had made me mad. Then, she started crying again, her big, wet “I want Daddy” tears; the kind of tears that absolutely broke my heart.

I sighed, feeling bad that I’d lost my temper with her. I turned to Nic, “Do you mind waiting here for a second?”

“Yeah, I can finish shopping if you want me to,” she offered.

I smiled gratefully and pulled the shopping list from my pocket, handing it to her. “Thank you, I’ll meet you at check out. Um, feel free to grab anything you need for yourself, okay?”

“Okay, babe.”

“Thank you, I told her again, kissing her. Then I turned my attention back to Cassidy. “C’mon, love,” I said, picking her up and carrying her off to the store’s little food court. “You’re okay,” I told her, sitting with her in my lap and wiping at her tears. “Are you sad?”

She nodded, hiccuping.

“Because I have to work?”

Another nod.

“I know that makes you sad. But that doesn’t make it okay for you to hit and kick me.”

“Am I in trouble?” she asked me in a scared whisper.

“No. But, I do expect you to apologize and start acting better.”

“Sorry, Daddy.”

“Thank you, love. And I’m sorry for yelling.”

“You’re scary,” she told me.

“I scared you?” I asked, swallowing the terrible feeling rising in my throat. I knew that I had particularly loud with her, but I hadn’t thought I’d gone so far as to scare her.

She nodded her head slowly for a third time.

“Aw, love, I’m sorry,” I said, holding her to me and kissing her. “That better?” I asked.

“More kisses,” she said.

I showered her in kisses until she giggled and pushed my face away. “Better?” I asked again, smiling.

She nodded a fourth nod.

“Now, what can we do so you’re not sad?” I asked her, still wanting to acknowledge her feelings.

She shrugged her shoulders.

“Hmm…” I thought outloud. “Do you want me to read to you when we get home before I go?”

She nodded a fifth time.

“Alright. I’ll read you a story when we get home. Now, are we ready to finish shopping?”

A sixth nod. Kid was on a roll with her head nods.

“Okay. Do you want to walk, or do you want me to hold you?”

“Hold me,” she said.

I smiled warmly at her and stood up, carrying Cassidy on my hip while she clung to my neck. “I love you, you know that?” I asked, kissing her cheek.

She nodded a seventh and final time, this time giving me a smile back.

We made our way back, finding Nic with the cart full of groceries. “Hey, we feeling better?” she asked, smiling at us and reaching for my free hand.

“You sure you still like dating the dad?” I asked, half-joking as I  squeezed her hand in mine.

Nic laughed, “It’s fine, babe. I promise.”

“If you say so,” I said, smiling at her as we made our way to the checkout lanes.

Cassidy calmed down on the short drive back to the apartment, even going back to full-blown happy as we carried in the groceries. She even sat quietly watching her cartoons while Nic and I put the groceries away. But I knew she’d lose it again when I changed into my work clothes. “Can you watch her a sec?” I asked Nic, putting the grocery bags away. “I’m gonna get changed, real quick.”

“Of course,” Nic offered, going to sit on the couch and watch the cartoons I’d put on for Cassidy.

In my room, I quickly stripped off my shirt, pulling on a tank top instead. I changed out of my shorts and into my work pants, before grabbing one of my work shirts. I kicked off my flip flops and grabbed some socks and my shoes. I grabbed my badge of my dresser and shoved it in my pocket, along with my wallet, before glancing at myself in the mirror. Then, I reached for a small lockbox that held my gun and my bullet proof vest that was next to it, tucking them both under my arm. Lastly, I took a deep breath and made my way back to the living room.

Cassidy took one look at my clothes and her lip started to quiver again.

“Hey,” I said, picking her up and sitting with her on the couch, hoping I could quickly diminish the tears and shouting. “Nana is coming over to watch you for a bit, okay?”

“Okay,” she sniffed, trying to be brave.

“If you go grab a book, I’ll read to you while we wait for Nana.”

“I don’t want you to go,” she said.

“I know, but it’s my job, love.”

“Why can’t you stay with me?”

“Because I gotta catch the bad guys, remember?”

She nodded, then she turned to Nic. “Daddy’s a superhero,” she told her.

“And does that make you sad?” Nic asked her.

Cassidy shook her head. “Well, sometimes,” she admitted.

“I know, love. And it’s okay to be sad. I’m sad that I have to leave you, too,” I said.

“You are?”

“Of course!” I said like I was letting her in on some big secret. “Daddies get sad too. But you know what makes me feel better?”

“What?”

“Reading you a story before I go. Will that make you feel better, too?”

“Yeah!”

“Alright! Go find a book and we’ll read it, okay?”

She climbed off my lap and ran to her room before running back to me with a book. I set her back on my lap, opened the book, and started reading it to her.

I had no sooner finished reading than my mom opened the door to the apartment. “Nana!” Cassidy cried, climbing out of my lap and running towards my mom.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, getting up. “Thanks again.”

“Not a problem, Ashton. Glad to help. Do you know when you’ll be home?”

“No, sorry. But, I’ll keep you updated. And there are groceries, so help yourself. Dessert after dinner, and only after, please,” I said, reaching for my keys.

“Ash, I know how to watch after children. I have 3 myself, y’know.”

“I know, Mom. Bye Cass, Daddy’s gotta go now.”

She took one look at me, dressed for work with my keys, lockbox, and vest in my hand, and ran into my arms. “No!” she begged, starting to cry again.

“We’ve been over this, love,” I told her softly, picking her up. “I’ll be home later, okay? I love you.”

“Stay…” she begged as I handed her to my mom who tried to soothe her.

“I love you,” I repeated.

She buried her face in my mom and sobbed her heart out.

I sighed and let myself out, Nic coming with me. “I’m really sorry about today,” I told her for what felt like the millionth time.

“Hey, I told you never to-”

“Never apologize for being a dad, I know,” I interrupted. “That’s not why I’m sorry.”

“Does this happen a lot?”

“The swearing, kicking, and screaming tantrums? Me losing my temper in a grocery store? Or getting called into work?” I asked.

“All three?”

“Not often. She has her everyday tantrums, like getting dressed. And then she has her full-blown meltdowns when she’s got too many emotions to process. Which I try really hard to not get mad at her for. But there are times when she resorts to hitting and kicking and that’s when I tend to lose it a little myself. As for work? No, I don’t get asked to come in on my days off a lot. Stay late on days I’m already there? Yeah, plenty. But rarely do I have to go in on my days off. I only have to go now because some people called out.”

“I’m sorry, babe. I know that must be hard on you.” She hugged me, her arms circling around my neck, her fingers tracing along my neck tattoo. Such a soothing touch.

I rested my head briefly on her shoulder, allowing myself a small moment of being the weak one for once. Then I straightened myself up. “I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”

She shook her head and I felt my face fall, feeling like I had blown it by showing my struggling side. “Spend time with Cass. I’ll see you Monday after work,” she told me.

I kissed her. “You are the greatest,” I said, then, “Have I told you that I love you, yet?”

Her eyes went wide for a second before she smiled at me. “No, you haven’t. But, I’m glad you did.”

“Oh, well in that case, Nicole, I love you. And I’ll give you a long list of reasons some other time, but for now, just know that I love you.”

She laughed and kissed me. “I love you too, Ashton. Now go, before you’re late.”

~~~

It was late when I got home later. So late, that even Nic’s apartment was quiet. I let myself in and woke up my mom, who was asleep on the couch. “Ma… Mom,” I said, shaking her. “Go sleep in my room. I’ll take the couch.”

“Oh, Ashton, I’m fine,” she told me grumpily.

“Mom, you’ll be more comfortable in bed, please.”

She grumbled more and went down the hall to my room, my door shutting behind her. I went to the hall cupboard to grab myself a blanket before making myself comfortable on the couch. Before I fell asleep, I took out my phone and sent Nic a quick text.

Thank you for understanding. And I’m sorry about everything.

I put my phone down, not expecting an answer until morning, so I nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone pinged.

It’s okay, babe. Glad you’re home safe. Love you.

I smiled at the text and went to sleep.

~~~

Tag List (Leave a message at the beep)

Chapter 4

I used one hand to knock on Nic’s door, holding onto Cassidy’s small hand with my other one. Nic and I had decided to spend the night apart so she could sleep without Cassidy waking her up and I could spend a lazy morning with Cassidy just me and her. The night apart had done little to ease my nerves of introducing Nic to my family, even with the distraction of having a fun dance party night with Cassidy- her choice of course.

She answered the door, wearing jeans, a fitted t-shirt, and a light scarf- an effortlessly sexy look. “Nic!” Cassidy said happily, hugging Nic tight. “It’s Daddy’s birthday!”

“It is!” she agreed patting the top of Cassidy’s head and kissing me. “Happy birthday, handsome.”

“It’s actually in a few days, we’re just celebrating early,” I clarified, my cheeks flushed. “But thanks. Ready to go?” I asked, going up to run my hands through my hair for the millionth time that morning.

“Ash, relax. Today’s gonna be fine.”

“I know,” I nodded, kissing her. “I know. I just… well it’s been awhile since I’ve brought a girl home.”

We made the half hour drive up to my parents, the three of us singing along to the radio to drown out my thoughts. I hadn’t told my family I was bringing Nic. Lauren was the only one who even knew about Nic. And the prospect of introducing them to a girl for the first time since I brought Taylor home all those years ago was a little nerve wracking.

When we pulled off the freeway, Nic turned down the radio. “So, who am I meeting?” she asked.

“My mom, Anne, and my stepdad, Jack. Well, he’s my stepdad. He’s biologically my siblings dad. But he’s Dad. Lauren will be there too, but you already know her. She might bring her boyfriend, Adam, but I’m not sure. And then there’s my brother Harry.” 

“Tell me about them.”

“Uh…” I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel. I looked over at her, her hair blowing in the wind, a smile on her face, and her eyes waiting for an answer. I looked back at the road and slammed on the brakes, my arm shooting out to catch Nic as she fell forward. “You okay, Cass?” I asked, checking in the rearview mirror at Cassidy in her seat.

Cassidy nodded, oblivious to everything around her, lost in her childlike wonder.

“Almost ran that light cuz of you,” I told Nic, half-angry.

“You’re the one who can’t keep his eyes on the road,” she scolded.

“Well, stop being so beautiful.”

“You’re distracting yourself, Ash. Tell me about your family.”

I sighed. “They’re traditional. My mom moved me and her here from Australia after my biological dad left. She worked in a rehab facility for war veterans where she met Jack. He was in the Gulf War. He’s a cop now. They got married. He adopted me. They had Lauren. Then they had Harry.”

“Wow… Is that why you became a cop? Because of your dad?”

I shrugged, “I always thought it was because I liked to read Sherlock Holmes. But, yeah that probably played a part in it, too.”

“Sherlock Holmes was a detective,” Nic pointed out.

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s why I’m a cop. Working my way up to being a detective.”

“Oh, a man with ambitions.” I caught her smile out of the corner of my eye. “So, what else should I know about your parents? Who are they personality wise?”

“My dad is stubborn and rather traditionalist. He’s very much a man’s man. Not very into showing his emotions, but there’s never any doubt what he’s feeling. And he has the biggest soft spot for Cass. My mom is very headstrong, especially when it comes to her family.” I made my way through my old town as I spoke, navigating my way through the streets leading to my parents with a practiced ease.

“So, normal family dynamics.”

“Normal family dynamics,” I agreed, pulling up behind my dad’s car. “Well, this is home,” I told her.

She looked out her window at the house- a simplistic two-story home in the middle of a street filled with other simplistic two-story homes. “This is where you grew up?”

“Yep,” I said, pointing out a window to her, “that’s my bedroom window. Snuck out a lot through there.”

She laughed, “So you were a trouble-maker, huh?”

“I was a good trouble-maker,” I defended, laughing. “I only snuck out the nights they wouldn’t let me take the car. Which was a lot, because I kept sneaking out.” I smiled for a moment at the memories my old house brought to mind. “It was a good place to grow up,” I told her finally. “Ready?”

She nodded and we got out of the truck. I held onto both Cassidy’s and Nic’s hands with either of mine. “Get the door, Cass,” I said.

Cassidy reached up and flung the front door open, calling out, “Nana! Grandad! We’re here!”

“Jack! Cassidy’s here!” I heard my mom say and the creak of the couch as she got up and made her way to us. “Oh, my sweet little Cass!” my mom crooned, bending down to hug Cassidy.

“Hey, Ma,” I said, trying to get her attention.

“What, Ash? Let me say hi to my-” her eyes looked up and fell on Nic. “Ashton Fletcher Irwin! You brought a girl without even mentioning you were seeing one?!” she straightened up and smacked my arm, then, “Jack! Ashton brought home a girl!”

“He always brings a girl home, sweetheart,” Jack said, finally getting up to see what all the fuss was about. “There’s my Cass,” he smiled, picking up his granddaughter. “Oh… Daddy brought a friend, that’s what Nana’s screeching about,” he told her, raising his eyebrows at my hand that was still holding Nic’s. “So, who’s this, Ashton?”

“This is Nic, my girlfriend. Nic, this is my dad, Jack, and my mom, Anne.”

“Pleased to meet you both. Ash’s told me so much about you.”

“Oh, so you can get a girlfriend, but you can’t call home long enough to tell us about her? Ashton,” my mother scolded, smacking me again.

“Ow, geez, Ma. I thought you’d rather meet her. Sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t erase what you did, Ashton,” she told me, repeating the familiar phase she had told both my siblings and myself anytime we got in trouble. Then, she turned her attention to Nic. “Nic, was it? It’s so good to meet you! Is Ash treating you right? How was the drive? Would you like something to drink? Come, sit, both of you.”

As she ushered us into the living room, Nic answered my mom’s incessant questions, her Southern charm coming out heavily. “It’s nice to meet you too, ma’am. You have a lovely home. Ash’s been nothing but great to me, you raised a good son. The drive was fine, not too much traffic, and Ash’s a very safe driver. I’d love a water. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I should hope I raised him right, even if he doesn’t call as often as he should. Oh, no sweetie, I can do it. You just sit here with Ash and rest. Harry, your brother’s here!” She reached out and patted my arm, “I like her, Ashton,” she told me.

“I like her too, Ma,” I said, sitting down on the couch, like I always did. “I’ll take a water too, if you’re up.”

“You have legs,” she told me.

“Nana, can I have juice, please?” Cassidy asked, climbing into my dad’s lap.

“Of course you can!” my mom answered, disappearing into the kitchen.

Nic snickered into her hand.

“What?” I asked her. “You wanted to come.”

“Ashton,” she snickered again.

I rolled my eyes and tilted my head back. “You’re one to talk, Nicole I teased.

“How come you never told me ‘Ash’ was short for something?”

I shrugged, “It never came up. Hey, Harry,” I said as Harry stumbled downstairs.

“A girl?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at Nic.

“Yeah, nice to see you too, kid.”

“Yeah, happy birthday, old man. I’m Harry,” he said, offering a hand to Nic.

“Nic,” Nic smiled at him.

“So, Ash, how’s work?” my mom asked, reappearing with water for both Nic and me and a juice box for Cassidy.

I shrugged again, taking the water. “Same old, same old.”

“And how’s daycare, Cass?” she asked.

“It’s fun,” Cassidy said before launching into a long story about her daycare adventures she told anyone who would listen, my mom hanging on to every word.

“You good?” I asked Nic in a whisper, my hand resting on her leg.

She smiled softly at me, “Yeah, your family’s wonderful. Feels like home.”

We sat there for awhile on the couch, Cassidy holding my mom captive with her stories while my brother, dad, Nic, and I paid attention to the game on TV. When Cassidy finally stopped talking to catch her breath, my mom finally cleared her throat. “Nic, would you like to see pictures of Ash?” she asked, getting up and moving for where we kept the photo albums.

“Ma!” I groaned, burying my face in my hands while Harry snickered.

“Oh, I’d love to!” Nic  squealed in delight.

My mom sat next to Nic on the couch and opened up one of the albums. She started telling Nic all my old stories, while Cassidy moved from my dad’s lap to mine to look at the pictures. “This one is when he was born… aw, his first birthday!... that was when Lauren was born, he was protective of her even then,” my mom paused to relive the memory.

“You were so cute, Ash!” Nic told me, squeezing my arm. “Wow, you really care for your sister,” she said pointing at the photo my mom was showing her of me holding Lauren after she had come home from the hospital.

I smiled, looking at the photo. “I did the same with Harry. I take my big brother duties very seriously.”

“Too seriously sometimes. You’re like Dad 2.0,” Harry put in with an eye roll.

“Harry,” both my dad and I said with the same tone of exasperation and warning.

“Point proven,” he sighed with another roll of his eyes.

“You played t-ball?” Nic asked, looking at another photo.

“I told you I played baseball in high school. Gotta start somewhere.”

She continued to scan the pictures of my childhood, which varied from birthday parties, holidays, sport events, school events, and various other snapshots my mom and dad thought worth preserving like me playing guitar or caring for Lauren and Harry. “You wore glasses?!” Nic laughed, fixating on a picture of me in bed, wearing pajamas and glasses, reading a book to Lauren and Harry.

“I wear glasses,” I corrected, “for reading.” I looked at the picture, “I hated that book, but they loved it,” I told her.

“You read me that book sometimes, Daddy,” Cassidy said, looking at the picture.

“I do,” I agreed, hugging her to me. “Auntie Lauren and Uncle Harry were the ones to give you that book.”

“Wow,” Nic smiled, closing the album. “I feel like I’m seeing a whole different side to you.”

I shrugged, “I was a happy kid. No, Mom, not that one,” I said suddenly, seeing the next album my mom had opened- the one I knew contained a lot of pictures of me and Taylor.

Nic got excited, thinking it was more embarrassing photos of me. “Is it high school Ash? Oh, I wanna see! Please, Ash?”

“Please, Daddy?” Cassidy also begged.

They both looked at me so excited and I didn’t have the heart to say no. I sighed, “Alright…”

My mom, Cassidy, and Nic all grinned and then opened the album. The first few pages were similar to the first album, only instead of my face being round with baby fat, I had acne and my face and body started to define themselves more and more with each picture. As they flipped through the school pictures, family get-togethers, and general teenage shenanigans, my acne cleared and my beard started to show. Then, came the senior yearbook photo and I knew Taylor was on the next page. Sure enough, Nic smiled at me and turned the page, revealing a picture of me in a tux, grinning like a damned fool next to Taylor in that stunning green dress at Homecoming, crowns perched on both of our heads. “Is that…?” Nic asked, quietly.

I tried to smile and nodded. “Yep, that’s Taylor. Told ya I was Homecoming King,” I laughed, swallowing the lump in my throat. The last thing I wanted was Nic seeing pictures of me happy with an ex-girlfriend I thought I’d be with forever. And I certainly didn’t need the reminder that I had once proposed to the girl kissing my cheek while I grinned at the camera.

“Who’s that?” Cassidy asked me softly.

I smiled weakly, “That’s Momma.”

Her little face furrowed as her fingers grazed the picture. “How come she’s not here? Doesn’t she want to be a momma?” She turned her head to peer up at me, her big eyes a mix of childhood innocence and a deep questioning that no five year old should ever have.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a breath to steady myself. “Cass, we told you about your momma. She’s just really busy,” my mom hurriedly explained.

“Oh…” Cassidy said, seeming to accept the answer.

The mood kinda shifted as we continued to peruse the album with my mom. Nic stopped at one of the few pictures that Taylor wasn’t in and smiled at me, checking if I was okay. “Oh, I like this one,” I told her, looking at it- me on the pitcher’s mound, just seconds after I struck out their batter, ending the game, my face mid-transition from grin to screaming with joy. “We won our state championship game after... What, Dad, 15 innings?”

“18,” my dad corrected. “I remember because we kept joking in the stands that they should’ve charged us all for 2 tickets if we were gonna watch 2 games worth of innings.”

I laughed, “Yeah, that was a hell of a game.”

“It was. But you held your own.”

“I pitched 6 shutout innings,” I explained to Nic. “The 7th through 9th innings and then innings 16, 17, and 18.”

“He was a damn good closing pitcher,” my dad explained proudly.

“Yeah, okay, Dad,” I laughed while Harry scoffed that he was better. “When’s Lauren getting here?” I asked, suddenly realizing that I’d been home for at least an hour and she hadn’t shown up yet.

My dad cocked his head to the side before shrugging. “Soon, I guess.”

Right on cue the front door flew open and I heard Lauren scream, “I’m here!” then a blur of my sister as she ran in the living room, swinging Cassidy up in her arms before placing her back in my lap. “Hey, Nic,” Cassidy said, hugging Nic. “Good to see you again.” Then she went around saying hi to our mom and dad, kissing them on the cheeks, “Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy. We winning?” she asked, leaning on his armchair. “Sup, Harry.”

“We’re doing our best, baby,” our dad told her while Harry nodded in greeting. “Where’s that boy of yours?”

“Oh, he couldn’t make it, Daddy,” she told him and then stuck her tongue out at me for no reason other than that she could.

I shook my head, laughing softly. “She’s his favorite,” I explained to Nic. “but it’s okay, cuz I’m Mom’s favorite.”

“Where does that leave me?” Harry asked, crossing his arms and pouting.

“I have no favorite children, Ashton. Just a favorite grandchild,” my mother reminded me, smiling softly at Cassidy.

“Yeah, Ashton,” Lauren tormented.

“Don’t you start, Lauren Rose Dawkins. You knew Ashton had a girlfriend and couldn’t be bothered to clue us in?” my mom asked my sister.

“Ha-ha!” I snickered, sticking my own tongue out at her.

“Oh, like she didn’t full name you when you introduced them to Nic?” Lauren shot back.

“Oh, she did,” Nic ratted me out.

“Then she pulled out the photos…” I added, shuddering.

Lauren sucked her air in through her teeth, “Yikes… did you get to the high school ones?”

“Oh, yeah..."

“I like your pictures, Ash,” Nic told me. “You were very handsome.”

“You hear that, Ashy? Were,” Harry and Lauren laughed.

Nic laughed shyly, “You’re still handsome,” she defended.

I smiled at her, “They’re just being jerks. I knew what you meant.”

“Oh!” Lauren said, clapping her hands together. “Has Ash showed you his room, yet, Nic?”

“No, he hasn’t.”

“Come with me, I’ll show ya,” she grinned, taking Nic’s hand and leading her towards the staircase.

Cassidy quickly got off my lap and went after them. “Wait for me!” she yelled.

I hurried after them, praying that my old room didn’t look like how I’d left it when I moved to Seattle nearly 5 years ago. I found the three of them on my old bed, looking around the room. “Wow, I haven’t been here in ages…” Lauren said aloud.

“Good, let’s keep it that way,” I told her, feeling sixteen for a minute.

“So, this is your room?” Nic wondered, standing up to get a better look at the posters on my walls of my favorite bands and sports teams. The corkboard that hung above my desk was still crooked from when I’d torn all the pictures off it in a fit of rage. The small trash can still held them, unharmed, because I had broken down crying when I tried to light them on fire. On my nightstand, a photo was still lying face down. Nic reached out to fix it.

“Leave it!” I said, my voice coming out harsh and sharp. Then, with a much softer tone, “Just leave it, please.”

“Oh… that’s the… shit, sorry, Ash,” Lauren said, getting up. “C’mon, Nic, have you seen the back yard yet?”

“What’s that picture, Daddy?” Cassidy asked, grabbing the frame in her hands.

I sighed and picked her up, sitting on the bed and holding her in my lap. “It’s a picture of me and Momma,” I told her.

“You don’t talk about her.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes me sad.”

“Why?”

I sighed again and patted the space next to me for Nic to sit down with us. “Okay, I’m gonna tell you both a story. Are you ready?”

Cassidy and Nic both nodded. I took a breath and flipped the frame over. In it, I was bent on one knee with a ring in my hand, while Taylor looked at me with her hands over her mouth in shock. “It was Taylor’s sophomore year of college and I had just finished up at the academy. I took Taylor- your momma- on a small vacation between Christmas and New Years. I had a ring, I had a speech, I had her dad’s blessing, all of it. And I proposed to her. I told her that I’d been in love with her since we were five and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life being everything she needed. She said no. Actually, she told me she was pregnant and wasn’t sure she wanted to be a momma.”

“She didn’t want to be a momma?” Cassidy asked, her eyes wide.

“Ash… I had no idea… I thought she…” Nic said, struggling to find words.

“Was dead? Yeah, she’s alive. Just didn’t want to be a mom. But, I really wanted to be a dad,” I said, smiling at Cassidy. “So, I convinced her to go through with it and we had you. Then she signed over her parental rights to me, broke my heart, and left me with a newborn that looked just like her.”

“Wow… Ash… I don’t know what to say…”

“There’s nothing to say. We were young and we had a tough choice to make. We each made the one we thought we could live with best. I don’t regret any of it. I’ve raised Cass with the help of my family. I lived here while I found a job and a place for us. Then I moved to Seattle almost 5 years ago with Cass. Then I met you. So, that’s what happened. And that’s why it’s a touchy subject, and why I don’t talk about it.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” Nic smiled.

I shrugged. “You’re my girlfriend, so you have a right to know about my past, even the ugly bits. And now you know about your momma, Cass,” I said, kissing her head.

“Why didn’t she want me?” she asked, her eyes full of tears as she looked up at me.

I took my thumb and ran it under her eyes, catching the tears. “I don’t know, love. But I know that I wanted you. And that I love you very much.”

“That’s true,” Lauren told Cassidy. “Your daddy loves you lots. Wanna know how I know that?”

“How?!”

“Because your daddy’s a terrible liar,” Lauren said, smiling.

Nic laughed, “Good to know you’re a bad liar.”

“The worst,” I assured, kissing her.

~~~

Tag List (Honestly? You still won’t ask to join? Your loss, mate. I’m a mf-ing DELIGHT!)

Chapter 3

My alarm went off shrilly at 7 am. I fumbled to shut off the incessant beeping as I opened my eyes. I yawned and stretched out my arms. It was then I became apparent of Nic asleep in my bed. I smiled at the memory of the night we had shared. Her giggles echoed in my mind as I recalled her slipping into one of my shirts and beckoning me to bed with her finger. I recalled the many kisses I stole as we hid under the covers. I remembered how she felt, sleeping beside me as if she had done it her whole life. I reached over and kissed her, “Nic, wake up.” I kissed a path from her shoulder, up her neck, and to her lips. “Wake up, wake up, wake up,” I murmured between kisses.

“Mmm,” she moaned, “Shh, Ash, I’m sleeping,” she smiled at me, opening her eyes a little.

“It’s seven… I gotta get up.”

“Why?”

“Lauren is gonna be here any second with Cass so I can get her ready for daycare,” I told her, rolling out of bed.

She reached over and pulled me down, before climbing on top of me and kissing my face repeatedly. “Just. Five. More. Minutes. Please?” she asked me between kisses.

I wrapped my arms around her and sat up with her in my lap. “If they even give me five minutes,” I told her.

“Guess we better get as much time as we can,” she grinned, sexily.

I rolled her over, pinning her between me and the bed. “God, you’re sexy,” I growled. I kissed her fiercely before pulling back and straining my ear. “Shh,” I whispered, pressing a finger to my lips, rolling off of Nic. “Do you hear that?” I asked, still whispering as I heard the front door creak open and Cassidy’s footsteps pitter-patter across the apartment. “Incoming,” I warned, seconds before Cassidy came crashing into my bed.

“Daddy!” she shrieked like she did every morning.

I threw the covers over my head and shouted playfully, “No! Not the Cass Monster! Aaaahhh!” Then I threw the covers off me and enveloped Cassidy in them who erupted in a series of giggles. I pulled her into my lap and uncovered her head. “Were you good for Auntie Lauren?” I asked.

Cassidy nodded, her dirty blonde curls bouncing. Then, “Daddy, did you have a sleepover?”

“I did. Her name is Nic. Do you want to say hi?”

Another nod, then, “Hi, Nic!”

“Hi, Cassidy,” Nic smiled sweetly.

“She’s pretty, Daddy,” Cassidy told me.

I laughed, “Yes, very pretty. Alright, you ready for breakfast?”

“Mhm!”

“Alright, go say goodbye to Auntie Lauren, and I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

She skipped out of the room. Lauren poked her head in, “Hey, As- shit, I didn’t know you had company. I could’ve taken Cass.”

“It’s fine, Lauren,” I said getting out of bed. “This is Nic. Nic, that’s my sister, Lauren. The little one was Cass.”

“Hi,” Nic said, getting up herself.

Lauren nodded a hello, then, “I’m gonna say bye to Cass,” before excusing herself.

“Sorry,” I said to Nic, pulling a shirt over my head.

 “It’s fine, Ash,” she said, kissing me. “I should probably go get ready for work. I’ll see you later?”

I nodded, “I’ll be home at about 5 if you wanted to join us for dinner. I’m not much of a cook though, so fair warning.”

She smiled. “I can be over at like 5:30?”

“That works,” I smiled back. I watched as she disappeared, waiting to hear her leave, before I went to the kitchen. I went about my morning routine feeling better than I had in a long while. For the first time in a long while, I had something to look forward to; someone to come home to that didn’t need bedtime stories and monster-checking.

“You seem perkier than usual,” Mike, the captain, noted as I came in whistling.

“Just in a good mood,” I said, clocking in for the day.

“So, who’s the girl?” Luke, my partner, asked.

“Who said there was a girl?”

“Because, I’ve never seen you look this happy. I’ve also never seen you with a girl. So, it’s gotta be a girl, right? Oh, tell me it’s a girl!”

“It’s a girl,” I laughed.

“Ha!” Luke cheered. “Mikey-boy, that’s twenty big ones! Pay up! Way to go, Irwin!”

“Why does he owe you twenty b- Wait, did you 2 seriously have a bet that I was gay?! I literally have a kid.” Any other day, I might have been offended, but I was cruising on the highest of highs.

“Hey,” Luke defended. “I knew you weren’t gay. Just a busy little worker bee, huh, Ashy?” he teased.

“You know what? I ain’t even mad. Cuz I woke up next to the hottest girl. Life doesn’t get better than that.”

“Ash,” Mike said, turning serious for a minute. “Marry this girl.”

“I barely know the girl, Mikey,” I laughed nervously.

“I know. But marry her. Any girl that’s got you feeling this good is a keeper. I’m telling ya.”

“I still think I’ll give it a minute before I start getting down on a knee,” I joked, quickly burying the memory of the last time I’d been down on one knee. Taylor had no right to my mind today. Today, my mind was all on Nic.

I walked through the door of my apartment, feeling both more exhausted than I’d ever felt and also still better than my old best days. I quickly tried to clean up the apartment a bit while Cassidy played. I had just sat down on the couch when Nic knocked on my door. “Hey, c’mon in,” I greeted, kissing her cheek.

“Hey, how was work?” she asked, making herself comfortable on my couch.

“Good,” I said, sitting down next to her. “How was your day?”

“Long,” she sighed, leaning into me. “Glad to be done.”

“Me too,” I smiled at her. “Are you hungry?”

“I am!” Cassidy piped up, causing both Nic and me to laugh.

Nic stayed after dinner, throwing herself into a wild activity Cassidy dreamed up, the two chatting away until I told Cassidy it was time for her bath. I had Cassidy pick up her toys while I ran her bath. “You can stay if you want, but if you have stuff you gotta do, that’s…”

Nic half-smiled. “I should probably get going. But, I’ll see you…?”

“You can come by tomorrow again if you like. But, I gotta warn you, this is pretty much it,” I told her motioning around at everything. “This is my life.”

“I like your life, Ash,” she said, smiling softly. “I’ll see you and Cass tomorrow.” She kissed me before letting herself out.

“I like her, Daddy,” Cassidy said.

“I like her, too,” I said, picking her up.

I got Cassidy ready for bed and went to bed myself with Nic’s memory burned in my mind. I told myself that I really liked Nic and that I’d be smarter this time around; that I would savour every moment I held her in my arms, or got to kiss her lips. I tried to push the nagging thoughts that this could only end 1 of 2 ways, and that 1 of those ways could very well destroy me.

~~~

For the next few weeks, Nic slowly made her way into mine and Cassidy's lives. Every night the 3 of us sat around my kitchen table eating and laughing. Some nights she stayed helped me put Cassidy to bed, then spent the night tangled up in the sheets with me. Other nights she excused herself early so I could have 1-on-1 time with Cassidy. Nic and I took things slow, not wanting to rush anything in our relationship with each other. But, when the 1-month mark came and went- which was when every other girl had left- and Nic stayed, I started to rethink the seriousness of our relationship. I decided it was time to take Nic out on a real date so we could discuss what we both wanted out of this relationship, or if we even wanted one.

I talked over the details with Lauren, who eagerly agreed to pick Cassidy up from daycare and watch her overnight for me. So after work on Friday, instead of rushing to pick up Cassidy from daycare, I called Nic.

“Hey, Ash,” she answered after the first ring. “I just got home. I’ll be over in a few?”

“Uh, I was actually wondering if you wanted to go out? Like on a real date?”

“Real date, huh?”

“Yeah. Getting dressed up, I bring you flowers, we go eat a fancy dinner, the whole thing.”

She giggled and I pictured her cheeks flushing red. “Okay, that sounds like fun.”

“Cool. I’ll pick you up at 7?”

“I’ll see you at 7. Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Why?”

“I just wanna do something nice for a change,” I told her. In truth, I felt good about my relationship with Nic. She didn’t get annoyed with staying in every night or having Cassidy ruin the chance to sleep in on the weekends. In fact, she adored Cassidy, and Cassidy adored her right back. There was also no denying the way she made me feel, or the fact that we were both clearly attracted to each other. And after the past few weeks of her either being in my arms or on my mind, it was probably time to figure out what we were to each other, even if I didn’t like the answer.

I went out to get my truck washed and pick up some flowers before I came home and showered. I went through my closet, pulling jackets and work clothes aside to find my dress shirts and slacks. I laid the clothes on my bed, ready to get changed, but I ran a hand under my chin first. I ran to the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror. I tilted my head at different angles, trying to decide if I needed to clean up my beard or not. I decided against it, preferring not to risk shaving it all off if I screwed up. I changed and took a good long look in the mirror. Without meaning to, my mind drifted to the last time I had gotten this dressed up- the way my heart pounded in my chest and the weight of that little box in my pocket. I quickly shook away the thought. That wasn’t the last time I got dressed up, I told myself. Yeah, but it was the last time it mattered. “This isn’t like that, though,” I spoke aloud to no one. Isn’t it, though? My mind answered back. “I don’t have time for this,” I said angrily. “Nic isn’t Taylor. And more than that, I don't want Taylor. I want Nic.” Hey, these are your thoughts, Ash.

I shook my head again. “Nic,” I repeated, smiling at the sound of her name. “I want Nic.” With a last look in the mirror, I headed for the door, grabbing the flowers on my way out. I made my way across the hall and knocked on her door. One of her roommates opened the door. “Hey, is Nic ready?”

“Oh, hey, Ash. C’mon in. Nic’s just finishing up.”

I took a seat on their couch, “So, how’s everything going?” I asked, trying to make conversation.

“We’re good, Ash. You and Nic seem to be getting serious.”

“I hope so. I really like her.”

“She really likes you, too.”

“Kayla!” Nic scolded, coming into the room. Her dress accentuated every bit of curve she had.

“Wow… you look… wow…” I said, getting up off the couch. “Uh, these are for you.” I gave her the small bouquet of flowers.

She took the flowers and breathed them in. “Thank you,” she said. Then she disappeared down the hall to put them away. “Ready?” she asked when she came back into the living room.

“Let’s go,” I said, taking her hand. “You look really amazing, by the way,” I told her again as we walked down to my truck.

“Thanks. You clean up good yourself.”

“I try.” I held the door for the truck open for her and watched as she slid in.

“You washed your truck, too?” she asked when I climbed in the driver's seat.

“Yeah, it was time.” I pulled out of the parking structure and onto the road.

“Really? When’s the last time you washed your truck?”

“Uh… a while.”

She raised her eyebrows.

I shrugged and half-smiled. “The rain does a good enough job.”

“So you went through the trouble of washing it for me?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“I meant no such thing. There’s something flattering about a boy putting in a little effort to impress the girl.”

“And are you impressed?”

“Time will tell.”

I clutched at my chest jokingly. “Ouch…”

She laughed, “Well, the night’s just beginning.”

“Oh, you’ll be impressed,” I told her, pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. I wrapped my arm around her as we walked into the restaurant. “2 for Irwin,” I told the hostess, trying to ignore the look she gave us.

“Right this way,” she said, leading us to a table. “Your waiter will be here shortly.”

I ran a hand through my hair as I became aware of everyone’s eyes on us. “I know I’m with the prettiest girl, but damn I’d wish they’d stop staring,” I whispered to her as I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt, exposing my arms and tattoos.

“They’re staring at you, Ash. At least the girls are anyway,” she told me.

I shook my head, “Bullshit. I’m a nobody.” I flicked through the menu, busying myself with trying to find something to eat.

“A good looking nobody,” she laughed, setting her own menu aside. “I feel like I’ve said this before, but your tattoos are really cool.”

“Thanks?” I felt my face flush red in embarrassment.

“Are you one of those guys who is just completely oblivious to how good looking they are? It’s both charming and infuriating.”

I shrugged. “That’s a loaded question. If I say yes, then I’m a conceited jackass who only cares about looks. If I say no, I’m a moron. I mean, I see myself all the time so I look like I always have to me. Whether or not that’s attractive to other people or not is up to them.”

“Well, for the record, you are ridiculously attractive. And until now, I’ve been too distracted by that attractiveness to notice much besides just how attractive you are. The tattoos certainly aren’t helping making you any less attractive either. If anything it adds. Are you ready to order?” she finally asked, trying to change the topic. “Or should I keep overusing the word ‘attractive’?”

I laughed and we quickly flagged down the waiter to order. “Well, thanks,” I told her, “But, I still think everybody is looking at you. And why wouldn’t they? You’re beautiful.”

She blushed. “So, the tattoos? Can I see?” she asked, reaching out and gently touching my right forearm.

“Yeah.” I undid my shirt, sliding it off, grateful I had thought to throw a black tank top on underneath so I wasn’t completely shirtless in public.

“These are so cool,” she breathed, her fingers running all over my inked skin.

“I thought so.”

“Did they hurt?”

I nodded as I slipped back into my dress shirt. “But it was more annoying than painful.”

“What caused you to get them?”

“Just little reminders, I guess.”

“Reminders of what?”

“To be the best person I can be both for myself and for Cass. I’m the only parent she has, so I have to do twice as much work as any other parent to make sure she’s not missing out on not having a mom.”

“You have a very interesting story,” she told me.

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, I do. You have a clear attachment to your family, which I find to be endearing. And you don’t let your past damage you. You let it guide you into being a better person.”

“It sounds so much cooler when you say it. Damn, that looks good,” I said as the waiter brought out our food and we started eating. “So, anything interesting I should know about you? Since how you know all about me?”

“I don’t know all about you,” she retorted. “But, fine. Tell me what you want to know.”

“Tell me about Atlanta.”

She shrugged. “It was typical. Um, I’m the middle child. I have an older brother and a younger sister. We’re all close. Parents are still married.”

“What were you like in high school? What made you the woman sitting across from me?”

She laughed. “Again, very typical. Also very cliche. I was head cheerleader, so naturally I dated the quarterback. We were Prom king and queen.”

I laughed, “Damn, I thought I was a cliche in high school. Tell me about Mr. Quarterback boyfriend. How’d you go from him to bar creeps to me?”

“Mr. Quarterback’s name was Charlie. He was a sweetheart, but his views were a little too old-school for me, even though I consider myself to be somewhat of a traditionalist.”

“How so?”

“He didn't want me to go to college. He wanted me to become a housewife and mom. Which, I’m not opposed to necessarily. I just wanted something that was my own, too. So I told him he could either accept that I wanted a future myself outside of the home or I’d find someone who did. So, he tried to accept it. And when I told him I wanted to come here to pursue a master’s and see more of the world, he told me he couldn’t accept it anymore. So, we broke up. And I moved here and promised myself I wouldn’t shy away from putting myself back out there. The creeps were just an unfortunate side effect.”

“Wow. And Charlie was your first?”

She nodded, “But, I don’t have any regrets. And I’m not bitter about it. Like I said, the boy was a sweetheart. We just weren’t destined for forever.”

“That’s a very mature outlook,” I commented.

“I try,” she smiled. “So what about you? What were you like before moving here?”

“I was the captain of my high school’s baseball team. Starting dating the pretty girl senior year that I’d had a crush on since I was five. We weren’t Prom king and queen like you and Charlie. We were Homecoming king and queen, though, so it’s basically the same thing. We stayed together while I put myself through the police academy and she went to college. I wasn’t afraid of her wanting a career, just as long as she wanted me too. Then she got pregnant.”

“And what happened to her? To Cassidy's mom?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I told her, running a hand through my hair. “Um, I actually wanted to talk about us.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah… Uh, you’ve been over a lot and Cassidy really likes you. And I do too. So I’m hoping that we can, uh… be something more serious than whatever it is we’ve been doing.”

“I thought you didn’t want serious?”

“No, I said I probably wasn’t the guy to get serious with.”

“And now you are?”

“Well, yeah.”

She sighed, “Ash…”

I felt my throat close up. “It’s fine… you don’t… we don’t… it’s fine,” I choked out. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care; that her apparent rejection didn’t hurt. After all, it’s not like we we’re serious.

“It’s not that, Ash. It’s the fact that you think so little of yourself. Ash, I don’t care that you’re a dad. Okay? I care that you’re a good person with a good heart. That’s the Ash I like. That’s the Ash I want to be with.”

I leaned back, confused. “Um… Can we start over?”

She let out a small laugh, “Sure.”

“Hey, Nic. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. You seem to understand better than other girls I’ve been with how important my daughter is to me, and you aren’t threatened by that. I really appreciate that, and so does Cass. As a result, I feel that I’m in a position to take our relationship more seriously.” I tried to pick my words carefully, but I wanted to laugh at how absolutely ridiculous I sounded.

She nodded, biting her lip to hold back a laugh, “Okay. And what do you mean by taking us more seriously?”

“Mainly mutual exclusiveness. I don’t want to date anyone else, and I don’t want you to date anyone else.”

“I thought we were already at that point, though.”

“Were we? I mean, I haven’t been seeing anyone.”

“Neither have I.”

“Oh, well, good. I’d like for us to keep doing that.”

“Me, too,” she smiled.

I cleared my throat, “Sorry… It's been awhile since I asked a girl to be my girlfriend.”

“Oh, is that what you were asking?” Her eyes danced mischievously.

“Well… that’s what I meant by the ‘mutual exclusiveness’ bit…”

“I’m teasing, Ash. I’d like to be your girlfriend very much.” Her face blushed and she looked down.

I felt my mouth split into a cheesy grin. “I’d like that too,” I told her, reaching out for her hand. “Now, serious question: what are your expectations of me being your boyfriend?”

She lifted her head and looked at me. “Wow… um…” she paused to think about it. “Okay. Loyalty and honesty. I don’t do cheaters and I don’t do liars.”

I nodded, “Understandable. Although, can we agree that there are some things worth lying about? Like surprises? I like surprising my girlfriend and they tend to require a few white lies.”

“Oh, well yeah. I meant like big stuff lying.”

I nodded again. “Fair enough, I won’t cheat and I won’t lie about it if I’m ever dumb enough to.”

She laughed, “Good. Oh, respect is huge. Respect for my boundaries, privacy, and my independence.”

“What do you mean by independence? Like not feeling threatened by you wanting a career for yourself? Or not feeling threatened when you want to go out with your friends without me?”

“Both. Jealousy in general bothers me. It kinda goes back to the loyalty and honesty bit. Like yeah, I want you to be loyal and honest, so I’m also going to be loyal and honest in return. So respect that I’m not going to jeopardize that trust. And being threatened of a girl having a career in this day and age is just stupid.”

“Makes sense. Anything else?”

She thought for a minute. “No. Everything else more or less falls into those 3 categories.”

“Consideration isn’t a factor for you?” I asked, giving her a suggestion. “Of feelings, likes, dislikes, the sort?”

She pursed her lips together in thought. “Yeah… I would think it falls under respect, or maybe loyalty, though. But yeah, I like a guy who’s considerate.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Although, I have a… savior complex is what you called it? Well, I call it a protective side that might sometimes interfere with your independence. I don’t do it on purpose and I definitely don’t do it because I think you’re not capable of handling your own shit. It’s just one of those things that kinda just happens and I’m not aware of it until after the fact. But by all means, call me out on it.”

She laughed, “Ah, yes. Your savior complex. It’s irritating, but I also find it rather charming.”

I laughed with her, “Yeah. Like I said, I don’t do it on purpose. You can blame my dad for it if you want. He’s the one I get it from.”

She smiled, “Anything I should know about your expectations?”

“The same things. Have trust and faith in me that I’m not stupid enough to do something to purposefully jeopardize what we have. And if you ever do have concerns about us or me, then come to me rather than trash talk me to your friends or disrespect my privacy by playing private investigator. I don’t play mind games and I don’t want a girlfriend who thinks it’s okay to play mind games with me. That part also applies to passive aggressive behavior. Like if you don’t like that I leave the toilet seat up, just tell me rather than get all pissy. Shit like that. Like we’re both adults, so we don’t need to do childish shit. Also, I have a daughter who is my entire world. While I’m more than willing to open myself up and let you part of that world, Cassidy will always come first and I need you to both understand and accept that.”

“Can do. I don’t expect to date a man who acts like a boy, so you can expect me to not act like a child myself. Anything else?”

I thought about it, and then took a deep breath, deciding to let her be aware of my deepest fear. “If you ever do have concerns about our relationship and they’re concerns that you can’t move past- like break up worthy stuff- please, please tell me right away. Don’t blindside me or lead me on. Ripping off the band-aid will make losing you a little more bearable. It’s hard explaining to Cass why ‘Daddy’s friend’ doesn’t come over anymore.”

Her eyes went a little wide and she leaned back. “Whoa… Okay… I can promise that I’ll come to you with our problems. But, I can’t promise that I’ll automatically throw in the towel if I ever have doubts. I’d want to try to work through those doubts first. But I can promise that I’ll make you aware of them.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that was heavy, I know. And thank you. I know it’s not an easy thing to ask someone, much less agree to it.”

“Ash, nothing you’ve asked is unreasonable. You have a daughter to think about and you guys are a package deal. We’ve both come from relationships that left a few scars. This relationship is new and scary. But, as long as we do things we’ve agreed on, I don’t see us having any problems.”

“No? You don’t want to run after that lovely confession of me being scared as hell that you’ll leave?” I half-teased.

“Hey, you have just as much chance of breaking up with me as I do with you,” she clarified.

I shook my head, laughing, “Like I’d ever break up with a girl like you.”

She laughed with me, “I could say the same thing. Anything last demands, boyfriend?”

“Uh… yeah, just one more. Would you mind coming with Cass and me to my parents on Sunday? It’s uh… kind of my birthday...”

She grinned, “I’d love too.”

I couldn’t hold back anymore and I reached across the table, pulling her face towards mine. I kissed her hard and she kissed back with just as much fierceness, our relationship sealing itself on our lips.

~~~

Tag List (I’m waiting...)

Chapter 7

The number sat scribbled on a note on my desk, taunting me. I dialed the number a handful of times over the week, never finding the courage to hit the call button. I looked at the picture on my desk of me with Cassidy on my shoulders, both of us laughing. This little girl had been the only thing that mattered to me since the day she was born. It had always been just me and her since day one. If I thought opening up my world to Nic had been terrifying, it was nothing compared to the thought of letting Taylor back into such an intimate part of my world. I was less concerned about Taylor living up to my standards and disappointing me; she had already broken my heart and I had survived. But heaven help whoever broke my daughter’s heart, blood or not.

I sighed and dialed the number for the millionth time. Then I hit call. I held my breath as the phone rang, both praying she’d answer and that I’d get her voicemail. “Hello?” Taylor’s voice sounded on the line, and a wave of nostalgia washed over me.

“Tay? It’s Ash.”

“Oh?” I could hear the surprise in her voice. “Hey, Ash. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“I’m good, Ash.”

“That’s good.” I paused, thinking of how I wanted to phrase the reason I had called. “So, uh…” I started.

“Look, Ash,” she interrupted. “I’m glad you called.”

“You are?” I asked, taken aback.

“Well yeah,” she laughed. “I mean… well, it’s good to hear from you.”

“Well, you could’ve always called me. I’m an easy guy to track down,” I told her. Granted, she had made her choice, but I hoped she wasn’t stubborn enough to think she couldn’t call if she ever had feelings of maybe making the wrong choice.

“Yeah… I just… well, I figured I had pretty much blown that bridge up.”

It was my turn to laugh. “Well… you’re always free to call. I mean, she’s your daughter and I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m keeping you from her.”

“I know, Ash. You’ve always been sweet like that. But, I made my choice, and I should live with it.”

“Speaking of choices… her choice is that she wants to get to know you.”

“And what’s your choice, Ash?”

“My choice is to support her choices and have faith that you won’t let her down.”

She sighed and for a moment I saw her in front of me: her eyes shut, nose pinched, fighting to find the words that would cause the least amount of damage. “Ash, I left her with you specifically so I wouldn’t let her down. Or you. I could barely take care of myself, and all of a sudden life was trying to make me someone’s wife and mother. It was too much.”

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Tay. We both did what we thought was best; what we both thought we could live with, and that’s that.”

“You’re telling me that you weren’t angry that my choice wasn’t the same as yours?”

“No. I was furious. But that’s neither here nor there. Point is, Cass wants to get to know you. So, I’m calling to see if after nearly 6 years you changed your mind, and want to get to know her too. And it’s perfectly fine if you don’t. I just…”

“You just want to make sure you have a clear conscience so you can be the good guy if I say no?”

“No. Taylor… I want to support my daughter’s right t choose. I want her to grow up knowing that her decisions are hers to make. Part of that is not blowing off her choices I don’t necessarily agree with.”

“Oh, so you don’t agree with her wanting a relationship with me?”

“Taylor…” I spoke slowly, trying to contain my anger. Any time Taylor had felt backed into a corner, her tactic had always been to flip the script to put me at fault. Nice to see that six years later she was still the same old Taylor, knowing just which buttons to push. In a minute, she’d apologize and make a joke about how I took everything too seriously and needed to loosen up. “Yes, I have my concerns. She’s my daughter and I don’t want to see her get hurt. And yes, I wish I had a few more years before I had to make this call. And yes, I used to pray that I wouldn’t need to because you would call first. But, that’s my issue, and my issues shouldn’t stand in the way here. If she wants a relationship with you, then that’s all there is to it.”

“Ash, relax, I’m teasing. Gosh, you’re always so serious. You think you’d have learned to lighten up a bit.”

I didn’t need to see her to know she was smiling. “Whatever,” I sighed. “Are you open to meeting her or not?”

“Sure, that’d be great. How’s Saturday?”

“Saturday’s perfect,” I told her. I stared at my phone for a moment after we ended the call. “Don’t let her down,” I finally said before slipping my phone into my pocket.

~~~

I made the decision to tell Nic that I was taking Cassidy to meet Taylor, but to keep it a secret from Cassidy on the off-chance Taylor blew us off.

Saturday morning, I woke up with Nic in my arms. I looked over at the clock and realized we had a few minutes before Cassidy woke up. “Morning,” I yawned, stretching my arms over my head.

“Morning,” Nic drawled, smiling and kissing my chest. “You nervous about today?”

I shrugged. “A little. I just don’t want Cass to be disappointed.”

“You are so protective of her.”

I shrugged again. “She’s my world.”

She smacked me with her pillow playfully. “And what am I?” she mock-pouted.

“The best addition to my world,” I told her, wrapping her in my arms.

“Aw, aren’t you sweet?” she crooned.

We started kissing each other rolling around in the sheets. “Go away, we’re sleeping!” I laughed when Cassidy knocked on the door a few seconds later.

“Daddy!” I heard her whine.

“Alright, I’m coming,” I told her, flipping off the covers and getting out of bed. “Duty calls,” I said to Nic, who was still in bed smiling at me. I pulled a shirt on before I opened the door to my room. “Yes?”

“Breakfast!” Cassidy beamed.

“Pancakes?”

“Yeah!”

I looked over at Nic, “You coming?”

“Yeah, give me a minute?” Nic said.

My mind flashed back to the night we had after we put Cassidy to bed: clothes being flung in every which way, giggles, kisses, the rustling of sheets, her skin pressed against mine. My face flushed warmly and I shook my head. “Yeah, of course. We’ll be in the kitchen.”

I took comfort in my typical Saturday morning, letting the routine calm any uncertain jitters I had about the afternoon portion of my day. The closer to lunchtime the clock got, the more restless I got, bouncing my leg or running my hands through my hair. “Alright, Cass, go grab your shoes,” I finally said, after what felt like forever.

Cassidy’s head popped up from the page she was drawing on. Her eyes lit up with excitement. “Where are we going?!”

“We’re going to get lunch,” I said. “C’mon, find your shoes.” I watched her scurry off before going down the hallway myself to grab my keys and wallet off my dresser. I debated for a moment about whether I wanted to wear my hat or not, before I grabbed it and slipped it on. It had been lucky in getting me a date with Nic nearly 3 months ago, maybe it would bring me some luck today.

I swallowed the wave of nostalgia that washed over me when I walked into the food joint, Cassidy’s and Nic’s hands each in one of mine. It was one of those generic food places that had a playground for the smaller kids. A group of teenagers were laughing at a table and I remembered how I used to be just like them; when my only worries were centered on girls and baseball. I was both unsurprised and a little disappointed that Taylor wasn’t already here. When we spoke on the phone she had mentioned that she still lived in Monroe, so we settled on a place we frequented a lot back in high school. If I had to make the half hour drive and was still early, surely she could have made the two minute drive herself.

Cassidy tugged at my hand, “Can I go play?”

“Sure, love,” I smiled. I watched her run towards the playground and found a table close by for Nic and me to sit at. I kept one eye on the door and one eye on Cassidy, my mind drifting.

“Babe… babe?” Nic asked, her hand reaching out to touch mine.

“Huh?” I asked, startled back into focus.

Nic raised an eyebrow. “I asked if you wanted to order. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Ash, she’ll show. Have a little faith.”

“I know. Taylor likes to be late. I always used to lie and say things started earlier than they actually did so we wouldn’t be late. Drove me nuts.”

She nodded, allowing me to ramble out random facts.

“Daddy! Come slide with me!” Cassidy’s voice sounded from the top of the play structure.

I looked over at the structure, sighing. I was going to have to crouch a lot to fit, but when your five year old asks you to slide with her, you squeeze your ass to the top and slide with her. “I’ll be back,” I said to Nic, squeezing her hand and getting up. I climbed my way to the top, my height and size making it both awkward and uncomfortable. “Okay,” I breathed once I got to where Cassidy was waiting. “Ready?”

“Ready!” she grinned, scrambling to sit on the slide.

I sat behind her, my legs cramped against either side of the slide. “3… 2…” I counted down for us.

When I hit 1, I pushed against the slide to get us moving while Cassidy yelled, “Blast off!” her voice echoing through the slide.

We cheered and whooped as we spun around towards the bottom. “Nice hat, Ash,” Taylor said when we finally got to the bottom.

I felt my face flush for a second, embarrassed, before I remembered I wasn’t supposed to care what she thought of me anymore. “Taylor,” I nodded, straightening up. “You look good.” She looked much like she always had: one of those stereotypical beauties with captivating eyes and a killer smile. Having a daughter that was her carbon copy was going to give me hell when Cassidy got older.

“Thanks. Not so bad-looking yourself.”

I shrugged, “I try.” Then, to Cassidy, who was tugging at my hand to get me to go on the slide with her again, “Just a second, love.”

“So, this is her?” Taylor asked, getting straight to the point.

“This is her. Cass, this is…” I paused, realizing I had no idea how to introduce them. Did I jump straight to it and refer to Taylor as “Momma,” or did I go with something more subtle like “Daddy’s friend”?

“Taylor,” Taylor interjected. “I’m one of your daddy’s friends.”

Cassidy looked up at me, uncertain of what to make of this meeting.

“Taylor’s gonna join us for lunch, is that okay?”

Cassidy nodded, her uncertainty making her shy.

I grabbed Cassidy’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly as the three of us walked over to the table where Nic still was. “Hey,” Nic smiled at Cassidy. “Did you have fun with Daddy?”

Cassidy nodded, this time smiling herself. “Daddy has a new friend.”

“Oh, does he?” she asked, looking over at Taylor and me.

“I thought you were Daddy’s friend?”

“Nic’s Daddy’s girlfriend,” I told Cassidy. “But Taylor’s just my friend-friend. Nic, this is Taylor. Tay, this is Nic, my girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Nic smiled, reaching out to shake Taylor’s hand.

“Oh, aren’t you adorable?!” Taylor crooned.

Nic’s eyes flashed in a way I’d never seen before going back to their cheerful look. “Are you hungry, Cass?” she asked, focusing her attention on anything but Taylor and her condescending tendencies.

“Yeah, let’s get some lunch,” I agreed.

“Daddy…” Cassidy asked in her “I need to use the bathroom” half-whine.

“Oh, I’ll take her, Ash. You and Taylor go order,” Nic interjected and before I could say anything she whisked Cassidy off to the bathroom.

“Wow, Ash” Taylor chuckled as we walked over to the counter to order. “How old is this one?”

“This one? You make it seem like I have a new girlfriend every week.”

“Oh, like you haven’t been using your charm and good looks for your benefit?” she taunted.

“No. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a little busy.”

“Oh, playing doting daddy? Yeah, real cute, Ash.”

“Have you always been a bitch? Or is this just a coping mechanism to hide whatever guilt you’re feeling?” I countered.

“Oh, relax, Ash! I’m teasing.”

I rolled my eyes and ignored her as I ordered, using the distraction to get my temper in check. “Look, you don’t have to like that I have a girlfriend. I don’t really care if you hate her. But she is a part of our lives, and if you also want to be part of that, then might I suggest at least trying to be an adult?”

Taylor sighed. “Fine. Maybe I’m a little out of my element here. It’s one thing to run into an ex, but it’s a whole different thing to arrange to meet up with that ex so you can meet the daughter you abandoned. And your girlfriend? I dunno. Was kinda hoping you didn’t have one.”

“Yeah, I guess it would’ve been one thing for it to just be Cass and me. I didn’t think about how it would look to you bringing Nic, too. Sorry.”

The rest of lunch went a bit more smoothly because after a little bit of prompting from me, Cassidy held Taylor captive with her daycare adventures.

Taylor listened intently, doing her best to keep up with Cassidy’s fast and sometimes incoherent rambles, with me interjecting every now and again to remind Cassidy to eat her lunch. When Cassidy paused long enough to take a bite of her food, Taylor turned to me, “I don’t mean to overstep or anything, but shouldn’t she be in like kindergarten?”

“She actually starts on Monday. But she’s been going to this preschool/daycare hybrid since we moved to Seattle,” I explained.

“Daddy! Stop it!” Cassidy shot at me, angry I had taken the attention from her.

“Excuse me? You wanna try that again?” I asked.

“You interrupted me. That’s not nice.”

“No. Taylor asked me a question. That’s different.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah… but go ahead with your story.”

So Cassidy continued with her story, this one revolving around the incident with the braid. “Well, he said I didn’t have a momma. I said he was being mean and to stop. But he didn’t, so I hit him. And I’m not supposed to hit people, but Daddy said sometimes you have to.”

“Wow. That’s some story,” Taylor said.

“Mhm! But Daddy said I do have a momma. She just wasn’t ready.”

“Oh, so he’s told you about your momma?”

“Mhm! Nana has pictures at her house. Daddy doesn’t like them though. It makes him sad.”

“Have you seen the pictures of your momma?”

“Yeah. Daddy says I look like her.”

“You do,” Taylor told her.

“You know my momma?! Do you know if she’s ready to be a momma now?” Cassidy was starting to get really excited now.

“Hey, love,” I interjected. “Do you remember what the pictures of Momma looked like?”

She thought about it a moment. “She was pretty!”

I nodded, “Yes. What else do you remember about Momma? Do you know her name?”

“Um… no…”

“Her name’s Taylor,” I reminded her, hoping she could put the rest of the pieces together and worried she’d ask Taylor why she left.

Cassidy’s brain took a slightly different path in realizing the connection between her mother’s name and Taylor sitting in front of us. “You and my momma have the same name!” she told Taylor.

“Cass,” I interjected again.

“What?” she looked at me confused, wondering if she was in trouble, and if so, for what.

“Taylor is Momma,” I finally dropped the bombshell, bracing myself for the explosion.

First her eyes went wide. Then, her mouth dropped open. Finally, in a shocked whisper, “You’re Momma?”

“Surprise…?” I said, feeling really uneasy about this particular set of choices.

“Your daddy called and said you wanted to meet me. I thought it was a good idea because I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time.”

“You have?” both Cassidy and I asked, equally taken aback.

“Yes.”

“Is it cause you’re ready to be a momma?” Cassidy asked her, smiling.

“I think so,” Taylor responded, matching her daughter’s smile.

I nearly choked on my drink. “You think?”

Nic, who had been silently taking everything in, finally spoke up. “C’mon, Cass, let’s go play.”

“But…”

“Cass, go with Nic, please. I need to talk with Momma for a minute,” I said, trying to process my own thoughts.

“But…”

“Cassidy.”

Cassidy sighed and slunk off with Nic. I almost felt bad, I knew she wanted to talk with Taylor more. But right now, I needed to talk with Taylor.

“I’m a little confused,” I started once Cassidy was out of earshot. “You’ve wanted to meet Cass, and you think you’re ready to be a mom to her? You can’t just… it’s not that… you’re either ready or you’re not.”

“Look, Ash. It was six or so months after I left, and I was sitting alone in my apartment, and started to think maybe I made a mistake. But I kept telling myself that I had signed over my rights to you. That I literally had no right to call you up and ask for another chance. So I swallowed that feeling. And I kept swallowing it. And yeah, I think, Ash, because I really don’t know. I haven’t been a mother to her for nearly six years. I don’t know where to start. But I want to.”

“So… in the span of a year and a half, you went from not even wanting to go through with the pregnancy to wanting to try? I’m not following.”

“Ashton, I told you. I was scared. I was a sophomore in college who was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t want to let anybody down. So yeah, I made a few choices. And yeah, I regretted them. I was actually grateful you had pushed me to go through with the pregnancy, but I regretted that I left. But, I was scared, Ash. And there’s a part of me that still is.”

“You didn’t think I was just as scared?! Or that I haven’t been scared every day of my goddamn life since she’s been born?! It’s scary, Taylor! I’m responsible for not only keeping her alive, but also making sure she grows up to be a kind human being who knows her worth!”

Taylor looked down, but not before I saw a tear slid down her cheek. “I know, Ash. Okay? I know.”

I sighed. I hadn’t meant to make her cry. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I was scared, too. But I thought that we could get past that fear. I thought… Look, I loved you. Okay? I wanted to have a life with you. And you… well, you broke my heart. But, you also gave me the best thing in my life. That little girl over there is the best part of my world. And yeah, she scares the absolute shit out of me. And I love every damn second.”

“I get it, Ash. I’m the asshole in this story.”

“That’s not… Look, I’m saying we made our choices. But when we made the decision to have Cass and that I’d get sole custody and all that legal crap, I also told you that you could change your mind. That doesn’t have a time limit on it.”

“Okay. Well I’ve changed my mind. I want to be in her life.”

“Fine. Just as long as you know I’m not changing our custody arrangement.”

“Ash, I was afraid to call for six years. I’m not gonna sue you for custody,” she laughed. “Don’t worry.”

“Good,” I nodded. “And for the record, we’re doing this on her terms. I’ll bring her over as often as she wants, and you can come over as often as you want, but this is all between you and her.” I personally wanted nothing to do with Taylor beyond basic civility for two reasons- 1.) I had Nic and I didn’t need anything more than that. 2.) I didn’t trust Taylor, not fully anyway.

“I get it, Ash. You’ve moved on.”

“And I don’t trust you.”

“Really? Ash, I think I can take care of a five year old.”

“That’s not why I don’t trust you.”

“And why don’t you trust me, Ashy?”

I cringed at the way she said “Ashy.” It was a nickname I had never been fond of to begin with. But, the way she said it brought up memories I was better off forgetting. “I just don’t.”

~~~

Fortunately for Taylor, it didn’t matter whether or not I trusted her. What mattered was what Cassidy thought of her, which was the full-fledged little kid naivety that people would never let her down. I did my best to take a page from my daughter’s book and trust that whatever Taylor and I had was fully in the past and she genuinely wanted a relationship with Cassidy and would never let her down.

For the next few weeks, we met up with Taylor every Saturday for lunch. Each week Cassidy had more stories to share with Taylor, thankfully occupying most of the visit. Besides a nod hello, and a “see you next week,” I never said a word to Taylor, resolute in my own choice to make sure this was strictly a relationship between Cassidy and Taylor.

At the end of our fourth visit, I made my usual comment to Cassidy about how it was time to wrap it up so we could head home. Instead of fighting me on it or begging for a few more minutes, she turned to me with those big eyes of hers. “Daddy, can Momma come to my party next week?”

“Um… if she wants to, love. Of course,” I said, smiling at her.

“What party?” Taylor asked.

“Birthday party for Cass,” I explained. “Just a thing at my parents place next week.”

“Oh. I’d love to come.”

“Yay!” Cassidy cheered.

“Great,” I nodded, “Um, it starts at 2.”

“Awesome. And your parents…?”

“Still at the same place.”

“Cool, I can’t wait,” Taylor smiled.

“Me neither.”

~~~

I spent the drive home wondering how in the world I was going to explain to my family that Taylor would be at Cassidy’s party. I hadn’t told them I’d called Taylor a month ago, let alone that I’d been letting Cassidy see her once a week since. While they had loved Taylor when we had been together, they weren’t her biggest fan these days.

I decided to test the waters with Nic first.

“Hey, you,” she greeted, kissing me.

“Hey,” I replied, kissing her back before going back to folding laundry.

“How was lunch?” she asked, helping me fold.

“It was good,” I said the usual response.

“But?” she pressed, sensing something was off.

“Cass invited Tay to her party next week.”

“Oh… and?”

“She’s coming and I’m trying to figure out how to tell my family.”

“Hmm… yeah, good luck with that one, babe,” she teased.

“Thanks,” I rolled my eyes.

“No, babe. In all seriousness, this isn’t a big deal. Or it shouldn't be anyway. Your family can’t fault you for trying to do right by Cass.”

“Oh, trust me, they can.”

TO BE CONTINUED!

~~~

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