#controlling relationship

He was a girl before meeting her, right? He was his own person with his own identity, she's totally just been hijacking it and controlling him! And that's all it is. Right?

But now when he tries to grow out his hair, stops taking HRT, buys new dresses because she threw out all his old clothes it feels wrong and sick and disgusting.

And he doesn't know whether that feeling is truly his or whether it's just another thing she did to him.

Because there are certainly things she did to him- he struggles from extreme decision paralysis now. He gets panic attacks from being alone, his self esteem crashes when he feels unneeded, yet he feels fear when people ask him for help because they might be manipulating him like her-

He misses her. Extremely. He worries about her. He thinks about contacting her in prison. He takes comfort in the rituals she forced on him.

So he knows, not all of his feelings are "true". A lot of who he is was built up by Whumper, and he's slowly trying to tear it down and find himself beneath.

So just the whump of him, making himself detransition and grappling with whether his internal resistance is due to his trauma or due to actually being transgender.

Basically the recovery negates the whole appeal of forcetrans XD not having to worry about how this is a choice you're making and whether you're right or not! Instead, not only does he have to worry about "damn am I trans?? Should I transition??? What will everyone think????" He also KNOWS his judgement and sense of self is warped and impaired so it's even HARDER to trust himself and his own feelings!

Bonus uhh what do his parents think? Do they have photos and stories of him, "You were always such a tomboy!"

Or are they horrified and all, "My special girl, out of all the things she did, this is truly despicable. You were so beautiful."

Do they insist that they can help him return to being that girl that they love? Even if he realized that was never truly him, would anyone, including him, believe that when they know he's a victim of such intense manipulation?

It’s not like he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when everything had changed; the day they’d first met Him. XGaster. The one person Witness felt comfortable squarely laying all of the blame on, even if perhaps that wasn’t fair; it was still nothing short of what He deserved. For everything He ever did to them, put them through. It only felt right to blame Him for where they ended up; the hell He damned them to.

They’d been so terribly young back then, naive even; though both of them would have vehemently denied it at the time. Thinking that they knew so much better than they did but they didn’t even know yet what they didn’t know. Something which quickly changed under His so-called tutalege. Tired eyelight flicked to look over his brother, light still caught out by the changes. The traces of His powers and influence left over in him; the things which still screamed wrongness to his senses. The proof, plain as day, that he was no longer the same brother he’d grown up with; of just how much everything had changed…

He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him; the wave of pain which he knew his twin would pick up on in a soulbeat. They always had been so attuned to each other's emotions, even beyond the usual for their empathy; so was the bond of twins. Perhaps that was why it still stung so badly? That Eminence ever thought Witness wouldn’t choose him; that his own twin had thought he’d reject him, pick everything else over him. Never.

“Are you quite alright, my light? You seem distressed.” The use of that name snapped him fully back into reality. It was one of those little things he could never quite explain? Why it hurt him so that Eminence couldn’t even do him the decency of using his name any of them. He knew it was supposed to be a cute nickname but honestly? He sort of hated it. Not simply because it wasn’t his name but also for what it meant, the pressure it brought. Being the last bastion of his brother’s humanity and kindness took its toll. It was a thankless job and one he was frankly starting to doubt he was capable of, yet one he still had none the less.

Empty reassurances fell from his lips, as easily as the tears that now permanently dripped from his remaining socket. “No need to worry brother, I’m fine. Just a touch tired perhaps?” It was a lie and they both knew it. Nothing about any of this was fine. Witness was quite sure half of everything they said these days were lies; pretty words simply meant to dress up the situation they found themselves in. Yet that fact went unspoken, that they were both letting it happen.

“Perhaps you should rest then? I would dearly hate to be keeping you up after all, I am aware that you need your rest.” Despite the concern in Eminence’s tone, Witness knew it was less of a question and more of a command. Em was telling him that their tea was over, that he was done with Witness for the time being. “You’re always so thoughtful, it’s appreciated. I do think a nap may be in order for me. I’m terribly sorry if I’ve spoilt our tea?” While he likely wouldn’t be sleeping, some more rest may just be in order; he was, as always, feeling awfully fatigued. His twin simply waved off his concerns, “I doubt you could ruin anything even if you tried. Go, rest.”

With the far more obvious dismissal, Witness slowly rose to his feet. Needing to hold onto his chair for balance as he was struck with a wave of dizziness, vision tingeing black for a brief moment. Once he was certain he wouldn’t fall the moment he moved, he started back to his rooms. Leaving his brother and all their complications behind, at least for the time being.

The most important thing you need to know about Accalia (the other main antagonist) and Canagan's dynamic is demonstrated in the scene where she denies him the bite that would turn him into a werewolf. The very thing he prayed for his whole life; that would finally make him "clean." Yes, she still wants to have the Hunter's Association as a card in her deck but it goes beyond that. Accalia values bloodline purity and spiritual worthiness over everything else. Even though she loves Canagan and knows he'd do whatever she wishes regardless, she likes feeling superior to him. Living in the cult, members don't really interact with humans much. Canagan is a novelty. He reaffirms her position just by existing near her because he's human and therefore unclean. As the born leader of the pack and the one who successfully made contact with the Wolf Goddess, Accalia is already as pure and worthy as she can be in the eyes of the cult. But it's emphasized further with the human Canagan at her side. So her power over Canagan is more important to her than his happiness.

Meanwhile Canagan grew up as the only human in a cult of werewolves who've been arranging marriages based on the purity of their potential offspring for generations. He was a stain on his mother from the moment he was born and she was forbidden from having any more children after him because of it. His family resented him greatly and the rest of the pack debated just killing him all throughout his childhood. So Canagan dedicated himself completely to spirituality. They couldn't kill someone who basked in the Goddess's light, and isn't it only natural that a filthy creature like him would so desperately crave her touch?

When Canagan and Accalia become secret lovers, he dedicates himself to her just as wholly if not more. He'll kill for her. He'll die for her. He'll commit crimes against mortals and gods for her because none of them matter if it means she can get what she wants. To Canagan, Accalia might as well be the Goddess herself.

(I'm still debating whether or not I want Connor and Neoma to be romantically involved or just have a very fucked up friendship.)

Connor joins the cult because with them the bad things he did are not only justified, they're good. He can escape his guilt and do whatever he wants because he's pure and worthy. He doesn't even need permission from Accalia, really. Neoma is a product of his new power. Connor turned her into a werewolf with his bite. Granted, it was an accident, but it's reminiscent of the same control that Accalia has over Canagan. Despite being accepted by the cult, Connor is still, fundamentally, an outsider. Neoma is his only real friend because she's the only person who can truly understand what he's gone through. He uses his influence to keep Neoma by his side and their relationship starts to warp with the more bad things Connor does and has her do in pursuit of his mission as the Wolf Goddess's vessel. It becomes more important to him than her happiness.

And Neoma, despite being a werewolf now, is also ostracized by the pack because she isn't pure enough for them since she was born human like Canagan. (Connor is the Wolf Goddess's vessel so he gets a pass.) She spends most of her time shut in the library because what else can she do? Connor is her only real friend because he's the only person who can truly understand what she's gone through and he's off doing vessel stuff most of the time. So Neoma asks Connor to bring her along. She serves him. She sins for him. She follows him down the dark path he chose for them but she isn't as convinced by the cult's philosophy as Connor is. But that doesn't matter. Connor cares. And he's all she really has in this place. To Neoma, Connor might as well be a god himself.