#connnection

what comes from me goes to you

what comes from you goes to me

what comes from me goes to you

what comes from you goes to me

when pretense dies and

the truth replaces falsehoods,

connections strengthen

- language of a thousand strings

So while this might seem a bit unrelated to Cambodia and my wild adventures here, I had a little realization today. While corresponding with a fellow Luce scholar, we were talking about our insecurities and personal perceptions of shortcomings. Now, I’m sitting here writing a personal statement, thinking about similar things, and a little bit of serendipity happened. 

I used to be a competitive person. That is an understatement. I was incredibly competitive. I had this rage and fuel inside of me that I would channel into sports, field days, debate, anything that would proclaim a victor. Growing up, I also had a lot of insecurities and felt that I was a disappointment. Being competitive was a way to prove that feeling wrong, even if just for a moment. If I could beat some physical exterior challenge, the internal things were nothing. 

The last time I competed for something was in February, two things actually, but I’ll just talk about one for now. While I don’t think of my Luce interview as a competition, it fit similar criteria. It was a roomful of people hoping to be a part of a limited opportunity. Through the interview process, I really saw that competitive side of people again that I used to see in myself. Some were bragging about their skills and research, others visibly schmoozing while some were just a bit drunk. It was strange to be there in a lot of ways-- I didn’t see myself as that kind of person anymore. 

During one of many speeches, a member of the Luce Foundation said something along the lines of “Don’t take this as a competition. This is your chance you show up as yourself, and help us understand what that looks like. Be vulnerable, be humble, be honest”. I remember it was that comment that let me to some pretty honest and vulnerable moments with strangers in those two days. While I was “competing” for an opportunity, it wasn’t rage that fueled me anymore, it was human connection and empathy that became more important. I didn’t feel the need to compensate for who I was with winning, I just wanted to make myself happy and proud. 

Ever wondered why we hold hands? This might give you some insight...