@hellincarnation he is literally the sweetest person i know on this site and i don't think he actually knows how much he means to me. always there when i need it, or even if i just wanna talk about bullshit. and he's fine shyt but he knows that already.
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i'm afraid to admit that i love you, and i am afraid of all that can come between us. i am afraid that when i say it, the enormity of my love for you will swallow me whole. so, i continue to burn right next to you, as you remain oblivious to the smoke and ash that i leave in my wake.
quotes from pinterest with author credits + i want you - mitski
Does John feel no remorse over killing Joe, who was trying to recover, or is that Bev talking?
I get why the knee-jerk reaction is to blame Bev because sheās quite consistently seen hovering over Johnās shoulder and encouraging his bat-shittery from the get-go. And in this case itās no different - first thing she does is tell him that this was Right and Just to do because itās God moving through him etc. etc. Sentiments which she then further re-iterates to Wade and Sturge in Johnās defense. And itās no secret that she thinks Joe Collie is a blemish in the community and outright hates his guts. So of course, she hardly cares that heās dead and immediately gets to work on body disposal and rationalizing it to herself and others. Bev definitelyĀ re-iterated that John shouldnāt feel any guilt.
THAT BEING SAID ---Ā This lack of remorse re: Joeās murder and subsequent consumption was, in my opinion, primarily Johnās own lack of remorse, and NOT a case of Bev putting words into his mouth. I say this for a number of reasons, many of which have to do with how John acts and talks about this before Bev even starts in on him with it:
i. first off, weāve seen John show SOME amount of restraint re: his hunger as a vampire.Ā
In āLamentationsā, itās shown thatĀ heās in the middle of a hunger fit right before he leaves for the night to deliver daily mass to Millie, and struggling just after as well (right before Joe comes to visit). Earlier, Beverly also comes into his room to check in on him when he is, as he says,Ā āstarvingā, and still refrains from attacking her. And even outside of John himself, we KNOW that this hunger is something that CAN be controlled with some willpower-- Riley, Annie, Ed, Ali, and Millie, despite starving, never DARE to take another life to remedy it. And looking back on the series, it makes sense why John was able to show restraint around these people. John repeats to himself a lot that when he feeds itās because heāsĀ āmoved to actā but, at least subconsciously, I think John knows that he needs and wants certain people alive and wouldnāt actively butcher them. Millie and Sarah because he loves them, and Bev because he needs her as an ally for this all to work.
John, on some level, is also aware that this hunger and the carnage it brings is, in itself, a terrible thing. He even DESCRIBES it asĀ āhorribleā during the Good Friday Mass inĀ āGospelā (Ā āwhat is otherwise horrible is only good because of where itās headedā ).
ii. Johnās actions in the immediate aftermath of Joeās death do not strike me as the actions of a man wrestling with a lot of guilt.
when Bev first finds him in the rectory, covered in blood on the floor, John looks more shocked than anything. He keeps staring wide-eyed at Joeās body, as if heās in disbelief that he was actually capable of killing a man. But when Bev approaches him, he doesnāt apologize, he just starts scrambling for excuses and continues to do so without Bev really prompting him to (Ā ā I donāt know what happened... Something came over me ā etc. ). Heās not really.... remorseful? Heās more so trying to explain it away.
Then, of course, Bev outright asks him if he feels any guilt to which he quite readily respondsĀ āno, not at allā. He thinks about it for a moment, granted. But not for long.
And during the pinnacle meeting with Riley inĀ āGospelā, when Riley is calling him what he is ( "Murderer.ā ), John does not express ANY sort of guilt or even seems to WANT to think about what heās done. Instead, he immediately deflects (Ā āA murderer, maybe. So was Moses. Paul, my namesake... Iām hardly unique in this room, either, am I? I mean, youāve killed someone.āĀ ). He even mentions that he prayed on the fact that he felt no guilt, Bev just cemented those feelings by showing him some scripture from Hebrews later on.
iii. John and Bev are BOTH very talented at manipulation, and twisting their faith to justify their actions and agendas,Ā together as well as separately. Itās just that Johnās ability to willfully bend the meaning of Biblical literature to justify himself, and rid himself of any guilt for his misdeeds, is often overlooked.
Throughout the events of Midnight Mass, John and Bevās dynamic never registered to me as one in which there was a clear manipulator and the other an obviously innocent party. Thereās definitely an argument for Bev being the primary manipulator in the dynamic while Pruitt is old and suffering dementia - thatās a given. But once John returns young and healthy again with a sound(ish) mind, thatĀ shifts into an alliance in which these are both equally manipulative people who tend to bounce off one another. They try to manipulate each other really, and while to a degree I think John can see through Bev using him, he knows he needs her on his side to reach his end goal and plays along.Ā
I think the reason that Bev gets a lot of Johnās actions pinned back on her is that sheās much more outward about her manipulation. She actively throws the scraps of weight she has around to benefit her. John, by contrast, keeps his agendas hidden, and as opposed to threats and intimidation, takes the route of getting others to trust him before pulling the proverbial rug out from under them. Hell, he even hides his true motivation from Bev, as heās been bread-crumbing her with only pieces of the truth so that she does not know his ultimate goal is to have a second chance at life as Millieās partner and Sarahās father.Ā
It should also be mentioned that while John and Bev have separate motivations (John wants to be a savior for his island community, primarily for his lover and their daughter ; Bev wants power and affirmation that sheās much more holy and righteous than anyone else on Crockett), the end goal for both of them IS to give their parish community thisĀ āmiracleā. John just wants to share with everyone, while Bev ultimately wants to use this as an excuse to play Judge and Jury. To play as God.Ā
At the end of the day, John also has WAY more power when it comes to influencing the church community and interpreting scripture as a male priest than Bev ever will. Roman Catholic power dynamics are highly patriarchal in nature and what John says is ultimately what goes. Heās been a priest long enough to know this, to know that now that he can think more clearly heās not āunder her thumbā anymore. He can put an end to a lot of her shit any time he wants, but he doesnāt. Because he needs her to do what she does best for this all to work.
And while Bev definitely likes to twist a lot of things and recite a lot of scripture to justify both John and herself, well.... she didnāt haul anĀ āangelā back to Crockett from Damascus and start feeding everybody its blood without their knowledge in the first place. That was wholly his doing, as was declaring the creature asĀ āGodās messengerā in the first place.Ā
iv.Ā finally, and this may be an unpopular and more sinister interpretation, but on some level.... i personally think that John killing Joe is due in part to a reaction of their conversation. Even as a possibly subconscious motivation, I thinkĀ John meant to kill him for it.Ā
When Joe first arrives at the rectory, Johnās body language is guarded. Heās crossing his arms, pressing himself into the opposite side of the room, genuinely looks like he doesnāt want to go near him in fear of hurting him. This changes once Joe sees the old newspaper clipping on the wall, and mentions how much Father Paul resembles Pruitt (Ā āyou could be his son... you know that was a rumor when I was a kid, that the old man wasnāt exactly celibateā ).Ā
Now in Joeās defense here, he hardly strikes me as the type to have an interest in town gossip (at least, not beyond whatever shit Bev is pulling) and he likely doesnāt judge anyone else or care deeply about anyoneās business beyond surface observation, just as he says. But hereās the thing. John has no way of knowing that for sure.Ā Despite living on the island for almost all of Joe Collie's life, he and John are essentially strangers. Joe has never stepped foot in St. Patrickās before the day of the first AA meeting he attends. Itās most likely that beyond names, Joe and John know nothing about each other.
Dolly, Wade, Sturge and Bev were all there to witness Johnās death and rapid resurrection and know who he really is at this point as well.Ā But the key difference here is thatĀ he knows them. Knows that they will heed his guidance and directions as their longtime priest, meaning that when they promise to keep the truth to themselves, he trusts that they will. And in Sturgeās case, he is at least visibly intimidated enough by Bev to do just about anything she says.
Joe is an entirely different case. He has not been a part of the parish for decades. At this point, thereās only the very beginnings of trust formed between them. Father Paul/ John is in the process of helping him, and Joe is visibly grateful for that kindness, but certainly not enough to the point where Joe would cater to the priestās every wish. He doesnāt have the lifetime of Catholic guilt and indoctrination to back that kind of behavior up. So how can John trust Joe to not run his mouth? Because if Joe does by chance, then this could create a significant obstacle that prevents John from spreading this so-called miracle to his community. Yeah, Joeās first conclusion likely wouldnāt beĀ āFather Paul is actually John Pruitt and heās a vampire now!ā. But a scandal about Pruitt having a kid (when at this point, the island doesnāt know the truth about Sarah Gunningās father) could put his leadership and intentions under way more scrutiny than what is comfortable, as well as these āmiraclesā heās been performing. A lot of the otherwise stupid shit that John pulls only works because of Crockettās blind trust in their priest and the faith that he has their best interests at heart. They never question him. He doesnāt want them to start.
It is AFTER this observation of Joeās that Johnās disposition visibly shifts. This is when he decides to get close to him. This is when he approaches him and encourages an embrace. THIS is when he smiles and tells Joe how proud he is of him, how he knows that hunger and howĀ āhard it is to fight against itā. I picked up on this as a hint - Maybe Johnās been fighting it this whole time theyāve been in the room together. Maybe this is the excuse he needed to stop fighting and give in. And it seemed to me that heās using Joeās trust in him as a confidant, in this moment, to create a false sense of security and validation so that heās more compliant.
And I would like to point out that John knows, by this point, that his blood should be able to heal and resurrect someone. When Joe is bleeding out on the floor, he mutters half-hearted apologies, weakĀ āare you alrightsā in a manner that almost feels like itās to save face, butĀ he does not offer Joe the āgiftā of new life. He simply feeds, and lets him ultimately die as a sacrifice forĀ āthe greater goodā.Ā
So... No. At least during the murder/ consumption itself, and in the immediate aftermath, I donāt think John is wrestling with a lot of guilt about it to begin with. Once he sees where his plan as a whole has led them all then likely yes, I think that remorse and regret for what he did to Joe (and damn near everyone else) finally hits him. Iāll give John one thing, and thatās his ability to eventually clearlyĀ see that what heās done is awful. But by that point, itās far too late to change the course.
you know what anon? me too. let's start up a club for annoying people. but no i doubt you annoy everyone. that'd be a pretty big accomplishment and we'd have to give the guiness book of world records a call at this point.
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i partially cant believe i still make homestuck fanart since pretty much any emotional connection i had with this comic is gone, its not like im excited about it at all anymore
but god fucking damn it its characters are just too fun to draw. what a curse