#unrequited.

if you love me, hurry.

i'm afraid to admit that i love you, and i am afraid of all that can come between us. i am afraid that when i say it, the enormity of my love for you will swallow me whole. so, i continue to burn right next to you, as you remain oblivious to the smoke and ash that i leave in my wake.

Payapa, presko, sariwa ang simoy ng hangin ng hapon iyon. Nanditon ako sa paborito kong lugar, sa tuktok ng burol sa tabi ng puno ng madre cacao. Nakikita ko mula rito ang kabuuan ng sitio Muda, na para bang inaaya akong kumuha ng lapis at papel, tubig at pintura, para itala kung ano man ang nakikita ng mata ko. 14 pa lang ako, bata, hindi alam kung saan patungo, wala pang direksyon. But I was there, looking at the scenery. It was so serene, so peaceful, my mind is at peace, and so, is my heart is contented.

During those days, I was so contented. I had no problems, no stress, no responsibilities. I am free and I can feel it. Every sunday, nagpupunta kami doon sa simbahan ng kaibigan ni papa. Doon kami nagsisimba. Hindi ko naman naiintindihan, pero sumasama ako. Lagi ko siyang nakikita doon. tumutugtog ng gitara, minsan naman drums. Pagkatapos ng praise and worship, mauupo sila doon sa likod ng upuan namin. makikipagkwentuhan siya doon sa mga kuya kuyahan niya. I never knew that I would feel something for that kid. I was never ready. Until one easter sunday. The church held an activity, we were to find eggs and notes with numbers in it. I was only looking for a note. thinking that it was probably hidden somewhere near me, around those chairs. I never intended anything.

Umikot ako sa mga upuan. I was looking downwards, thinking that the note was hidden under the chairs. Suddenly, I stopped. there's a pair of shoes in front of me. That day, I made the biggest mistake of my life, I raise my head and the moment I saw his eyes, I was dumfounded. I see fireworks, drum beats and everything is blurry. Parang hinihigop ako ng mga mata niya, parang nakikita niya ako, yung totoong ako.

Dahil bata pa ako noon, I didn't know what I was feeling. I thought, I was just infatuated. I was happy and inspired. Naalala ko pa ung chant ko non sa mga stars sa langit "starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish, I wish tonight" tapos pinagdadasal ko na mapansin nya ko. Kahit mag-smile lang siya sa akin o kaya mag hi.

Pero lumipas ang maraming mga araw, pumunta pa ako sa bahay nila, sinama ako ng mama niya, pero tinitigan niya lang ako sa mata. Hindi niya ako pinansin. Ni hindi man lang siya nag-smile sa akin o kahit kaway wala.

Tahimik lang ako. I never talked to him, I never initiated anything. Lagi ko siyang nakikita doon sa school ko. Kahit na magkaiba kami ng high school, pumapasok siya sa high school namin. kasama niya yung mga kaibigan niya. hindi ko naisip, baka meron pala siyang pinupuntahan. pag dumadaan siya sa classroom ko, halos mabali yung leeg ko, just so I could follow him with my eyes. I was pathetic, I am pathetic.

I was silently hurting the whole time. Silently hurting realizing that I can never keep up with him nor compete with those who likes him. He was way above me and I am nothing.

I never stalked him.

Smudging the last of the chalk into the ground, Aubry Zizes blinked against the glare of the sunlight and shook her bangs from her viridian eyes, face agleam as she pushed herself up from her sitting position on the stone steps.  Rubbing her hands together in glee, the petite seventeen year old eyed the mini-masterpiece before her, cocking her head to the side a fraction or so as she examined her efforts.  Pleased with herself, and not caring that this might come back to bite her in the ass - it was considered a form of graffiti, after all, since this was school property - the girl checked her watch.  Damn.  She was late.  Picking up her bag and swinging it over her shoulder, Aubry hastily scooted off in a rush, leaving behind a trail of rainbow-colored dust in her wake.

Reaching the football pitch now, the girl slowed to a steadier pace and began to casually walk across the outside of the field towards the rows of seats, blatantly ignoring the lewd wolf-whistles being cast in her direction - an unwanted gift from the jocks who had been training nearby.  She had to admit, this wasn't somewhere she would have usually chosen to eat lunch;  although she played soccer and tennis respectively, the junior didn't always feel so at ease in the presence of the so-called "popular kids." 

Of course, having befriended Cora Reid in recent days, her opinion had turned slightly.  The pretty cheerleader's presence had a lasting effect upon the younger Zizes twin - she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was.  All she knew was that she liked it very much, therefore jumped at the chance to have lunch with the other girl again.  Then again, who wouldn't have?  It wasn't everyday that one of the most popular girls in school chose to hang out with someone as quirky as Aubry.

Squinting against the light, she raised her hand to shield her eyes and allowed her eyes to wander across the rows above.  Spying the other girl after a moment spent searching and dreading that she might not show, Aubry felt a smile creep up on her nervously as she began to climb the steps, shuffling over to the radiant Cheerio and plopping down breathlessly onto the space beside her.  "Sorry I'm late..."  Slipping open her bag and rummaging around inside, Aubry took out a lunchbox which was so full of food that it wouldn't close properly.