May 12, 2025
Italian guy is GREAT at affection tho damn. So fucking sweet and it never feels perfunctory or insincere.
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Italian guy is GREAT at affection tho damn. So fucking sweet and it never feels perfunctory or insincere.
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okay wow yeah using this site as a public diary IS great, i think i've exorcised my unhappiness about how weird it was today lmao
maybe he's right that it's me that keeps him from connecting.
he would marry me if I wanted. i know in his ideal world we remain entangled for the rest of our lives. he wants a serious commitment from me. and i do keep saying not a fucking chance. so maybe that makes him hesitate on the lovey-dovey.
but that feels viscerally untrue. i think he just doesn't see me that way, and it might be the nature of our sexual hijinks that makes it impossible for him to see me that way. i'm kind of stuck on the fact that he wants to start with an asymmetrical commitment. commitment from me but not from him.
when i bring up asymmetry in our arguments about why i won't commit, he asks what i want. what would I ask of him in return? and i get stuck on that one because I don't want anything that he gives me out of obligation or a transactional desire. what i want is for him to adore me, and that's meaningless to ask for.
i do kinda wonder sometimes if German guy is like. fostering that desire for closeness on purpose despite not wanting to follow thru, because like i'm it for him sexually. he's realistically not going to find anyone this compatible.
and every time i'm like "hey heads up i think i'm gonna have to bail soon, this is not sustainable for me" he like. tries to make it better and help me be more comfortable but it seems like it's uncomfortable for him and it's just. kinda feels like adding insult to injury ngl? like don't give me affection if you don't actually want to, fuck that.
we keep getting into arguments about it actually, i keep acknowledging that this is just sexual for him and he keeps trying to argue like "don't push me away, I really like you" and I'm like bitch. don't fucking humor me you know our rule is no lying.
I don't even have the right to be annoyed about this truly tho because 1) I knew this was just sexual and 2) i can just cut that aspect of myself off when it gets too much so why am I bitching.
well it's cuz I kind of like that aspect of myself and I kind of like how perfectly almost made-to-order I am for him. the way we are together is good in so many ways. it just feels incomplete. and like yes ik i'm insane OBVIOUSLY but maybe i'm also an asshole for wanting to be lovey-dovey w someone I know I'll never actually commit to?
but i LIKE being lovey dovey.
if i'm honest i think what i'm craving is the validation of people falling in love w me. and w german guy it's like. all the pieces are there so why are you still getting awkward w me? i'm so cute and hot and funny and charming and we share so many interests. you've literally told me you feel like i was made for you. so what the fuck.
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had an intense sexual experience earlier with the German guy. we were awkward and stilted for most of before and after.
i've grown a new facet around him and she's like. too invested. the compatibility in several areas is like maxed out. but I don't like how I react to his discomfort with emotional shit. I don't like how my whole self feels down after an experience that was really good, bc it made that facet of me crave a connection that just isn't going to exist.