#commitment device

The first was tangentially related to my work. I had a job that was actually related to developing and producing content (research and teaching) which slowly, but surely, led me to view these blog posts as outputs that should be more polished, backed up by extensive research, and... let’s call it “argumentative.” The percentage of things I was reading, watching, consuming which came from seasoned professionals (with years of research -- including primary, self-led research (i.e., they led actual groundbreaking empirical studies) -- and professional experience under their belt) increased, and I felt naive, ignorant, and eventually... ashamed of my own voice. Who was I to self-publish first-hand observations and feelings not based on established theory -- if not, rigourous methodology? Looking back I feel like insecurity was a deep cold which found cracks in my protective barrier, seeped through and filled my entire system, like a bad winter in an abandoned house. These years in which I kept myself from sharing my unfiltered voice was hard. I seemed to have lost all of my self-confidence. Wherever I had kept it... I couldn’t find it anymore and had no idea where to look for it. Behavior that I had never let myself indulge in the past became second nature to me -- I learned how to be insecure. My partner no longer recognized me... I no longer recognized myself. And I hated me.

The second reason was personal. I had moved countries (again) and put more and more physical distance between me and my family. The same way I always did when I moved countries... I tried not to be sentimental about old friendships and invest my energy into building a new network and new friends. This was a big mistake, one which I cannot really undo. I am grateful now to be able to still call many old (and new) friends my friends, but I learned a valuable lesson about my own impact as a person on relationships between two or more others. I discovered that the life does not actually go on without me, for everyone. I was a valuable glue for some relationships within my community... I took for granted that these relationships would continue to exist... but actually... I had -- the way all of us do -- significant impact and power... by not using this power, I had to watch some important relationships crumble before me... Two nodes in a social network, if you will, cut their ties, making me the only way in which they were connected... This is actually the first time I share this in a public forum. BUt I realize this was one of the factors which led to me to question my reality (can I put faith in anything I know?) and re-evaluate my own identity. Maybe you can guess who the two nodes are...

The third reason was directly related to my work. As I mentioned, my job involves learning how to do research, which, in the academic context, is all about discovering new knowledge. So I felt uneasy about hashing out my ideas in an 100% public forum. This is an insecurity that some academics share, while others argue that if a research idea is shared, and someone else beats you to collecting and analyzing the data in an intelligent way, then you were too slow (and it’s better for science anyways). I am still not quite sure where I stand on that (so you’ll see that I do comment in short-form actively on my twitter) but love the practical optimism of people like @shevyrockcastle, who strongly believes the latter.

Anways... now, I am slowly rebuilding my self-esteem and trying to nurture the relationships that are important to me. I am generally doing well, aside from a small cough and a quickly approaching deadline.

But I discovered that this blog is one of the few things which keeps me accountable, so as I complete my last analyses and write up my PhD dissertation, I will be making small appearences in this old stomping ground... What kind of thoughts you’ll read here -- who knows, maybe this time I lost my filter?

Thanks for reading...