#cometoterms

Getting myself off the starting block for taking the vaccine, is near to impossible. Living with Covid-19 has sent my anxiety and autism into overdrive. For every reason I tell myself I can do it, I’ve already given myself ten reasons why I can’t.

With issues outstanding around the main two vaccines, those problems are sending my autistic brain into overdrive. I want to make the decision, but I need to feel comfortable in my gut with my decision.

A normal thinking brain will ask when, not if, with an autistic brain it’s always if. I have always struggle to rationale and come to terms with the bigger things. I’m not expecting everyone to understand how this works, but I hope they will.

It’s irritating that I was never given the tools as a child to get through what I deal with around my mental illness, let alone know that I had one.  As I continue to struggle in the pandemic, this time around taking the vaccine, I can’t help but think about how my fate has turned out with my mental struggles.

I am home and when I go out I use a KN95/FP2 mask, I social distance and try to avoid eye contact. Where that isn’t possible I continue to sanitise my hands.

every time you leave, I remember your scent, your touch, your fingers on my skin. hips, bones, tummy. always saying “be good”. remembering this as I collapse into sobs. 

“take care of your back, focus on school, get a job, all that shit” and I say yes to all of it. but when I see your truck turn, look into your caramel eyes, see you wave and smile at me, all for the last time, I forget everything else. then I’m broken. sitting on the steps watching you go, hoping so hard, praying like I believe in a million Gods, that you’d just turn around, jump out of your truck, grab me and STAY. but life doesn’t go how we want it to. it happens how we need it to. and I could kiss you a million times, but it wouldn’t change a thing. 

I just want you to come inside with me, curl up, tell me all your stories. tell me things I’ll never forget. like how big of a baby your dog was, how afraid of heights you really are, why you chose this career for yourself. I want to feel your softness and forget how hard all of this is. I want to remember the way you look at me when I’m doing the most mundane things. I want it all to stick. 

and when I lean on the edge of your arm, your window, yell at my dog because I have no where else for my anger to go, I know how close hell is again. 

every time you told me to be quiet, to settle down, to not think about it, I know you were saying it all to yourself. I know you were telling yourself the same things. 

Honestly, I am going to be a fucking mess. I am going to cry and shake and shatter into a thousand pieces. I’m going to want to rip my insides out so I won’t have to feel them, but… 

I’m still here. 

and I would do it all over again. every. single. thing. walking you to your car, giving you more hugs than we can count, high fiving like it’s the easiest thing to do. I absolutely promise, I would do all of it again. 

I would take all this pain 10 times over because I know all the happiness I got before it.