#cognitive patterns

my behaviour is dictated by many rules. these rules must always be followed (rigidity) or things will go wrong, which in this case means i will never be the person i want to be (permanence).

i developed these rules as guardrails for my adult life. they have saved me from trouble many times in my life, and i used to swear by them before i realized how much grief and self-loathing i had internalized. there are many factors contributing to this, but i would like to focus on two patterns:

rigid thinking. demands certainty, safety crutches. a little micromanager with a clipboard bursting in to hold everyone up, making sure things are to plan, predictable.

permanent thinking. asserts futility, devalues contributions. a wanna-be sisyphus who decided that an eternity pushing a boulder uphill is more exhausting and just as meaningless as sitting out forever.

both of these cognitive patterns make me stay put, convinced that i am not to be trusted with any responsibility because i wouldn't be able to handle it anyway. they know what's better for me, why let myself get judged or rejected when i can just stay unchanged and inexperienced?

social

scripting an answer in my head before raising my and in class (rigid)

asking a conversational AI for tone / affect edits before sending a low-stakes check-in text to friends (rigid)

shaming myself for thinking i have the least optimal characteristics and that i will always have to compensate more than others (permanent)

personal

lying in bed thinking about what i will do, well past daylight (rigid)

min-maxing expenses for food, travel, tickets, reservations for a day-trip, often with back-up options (rigid)

avoiding job search due to the perceived requisite soul-sucking and schmoozing and selling out to get and keep a job (permanent)

academic

spiraling about how burnt out i think i will feel after i catch up on my late assignments (permanent)

deep-cleaning my entire room before an assignment is due (rigid)

whatever the reason, i have someone else's criticisms and worries convincing me that life is full of terribly monstrous people and situations that i can neither control nor mitigate, much less survive. therefore, i must take their recommended precautions to avoid ever coming into contact with these experiences, and i should be relieved that the small, small price for this invaluable advice is my self-esteem.

but i know that i am not who i used to be when i made those rules. i am not who i used to be just a minute ago. every single moment i feed to this inner critic is an opportunity lost to just live. i have hurt important people in my life and stirred up dark grief inside my mind because i was too preoccupied with this inner critic. even when i compare myself to myself and wax nostalgic about this superior past me that could hold her own, i am robbing my present of my presence.

the big takeaways for me are to de-couple myself from the anxiety and to recognize that anxiety is not permanent. i can handle more than i think and i can enjoy growth without self-flagellation. i can be flexible and temporal, because i am more than any single moment. it is cruel to hold myself to unrealistic expectations and pretend that anything less is pessimism.

exercises

start a worry journal. log instances where i engaged in either cognitive pattern. reflect on what it would be like to challenge them. log instances where i challenged myself to do the opposite of what the patterns advise me to do.

take mindful moments. i've been enjoying the daily meditation recommendations through the Headspace app. after maintaining a 17-day streak, i notice that i can remind myself to take a deep breath now when facing a difficult moment. that was not something i could do consciously before (i used to think that whenever someone took a deep breath meant that they were feeling stressed or unhappy and were trying to hide it, manipulatively).

externalize physical anxiety. i have found it easier to stay relaxed and present when i squish a stress ball (a hot pink silicone cat, in my case). using a dedicated worry object helps me divert my attention away from repetitive body-focused behaviours like nail-biting, cheek-biting, leg-shaking, hair-pulling, hand-wrenching.