biểu hiện đều đặn của cái ngã

my behaviour is dictated by many rules. these rules must always be followed (rigidity) or things will go wrong, which in this case means i will never be the person i want to be (permanence).

i developed these rules as guardrails for my adult life. they have saved me from trouble many times in my life, and i used to swear by them before i realized how much grief and self-loathing i had internalized. there are many factors contributing to this, but i would like to focus on two patterns:

rigid thinking. demands certainty, safety crutches. a little micromanager with a clipboard bursting in to hold everyone up, making sure things are to plan, predictable.

permanent thinking. asserts futility, devalues contributions. a wanna-be sisyphus who decided that an eternity pushing a boulder uphill is more exhausting and just as meaningless as sitting out forever.

both of these cognitive patterns make me stay put, convinced that i am not to be trusted with any responsibility because i wouldn't be able to handle it anyway. they know what's better for me, why let myself get judged or rejected when i can just stay unchanged and inexperienced?

social

scripting an answer in my head before raising my and in class (rigid)

asking a conversational AI for tone / affect edits before sending a low-stakes check-in text to friends (rigid)

shaming myself for thinking i have the least optimal characteristics and that i will always have to compensate more than others (permanent)

personal

lying in bed thinking about what i will do, well past daylight (rigid)

min-maxing expenses for food, travel, tickets, reservations for a day-trip, often with back-up options (rigid)

avoiding job search due to the perceived requisite soul-sucking and schmoozing and selling out to get and keep a job (permanent)

academic

spiraling about how burnt out i think i will feel after i catch up on my late assignments (permanent)

deep-cleaning my entire room before an assignment is due (rigid)

whatever the reason, i have someone else's criticisms and worries convincing me that life is full of terribly monstrous people and situations that i can neither control nor mitigate, much less survive. therefore, i must take their recommended precautions to avoid ever coming into contact with these experiences, and i should be relieved that the small, small price for this invaluable advice is my self-esteem.

but i know that i am not who i used to be when i made those rules. i am not who i used to be just a minute ago. every single moment i feed to this inner critic is an opportunity lost to just live. i have hurt important people in my life and stirred up dark grief inside my mind because i was too preoccupied with this inner critic. even when i compare myself to myself and wax nostalgic about this superior past me that could hold her own, i am robbing my present of my presence.

the big takeaways for me are to de-couple myself from the anxiety and to recognize that anxiety is not permanent. i can handle more than i think and i can enjoy growth without self-flagellation. i can be flexible and temporal, because i am more than any single moment. it is cruel to hold myself to unrealistic expectations and pretend that anything less is pessimism.

exercises

start a worry journal. log instances where i engaged in either cognitive pattern. reflect on what it would be like to challenge them. log instances where i challenged myself to do the opposite of what the patterns advise me to do.

take mindful moments. i've been enjoying the daily meditation recommendations through the Headspace app. after maintaining a 17-day streak, i notice that i can remind myself to take a deep breath now when facing a difficult moment. that was not something i could do consciously before (i used to think that whenever someone took a deep breath meant that they were feeling stressed or unhappy and were trying to hide it, manipulatively).

externalize physical anxiety. i have found it easier to stay relaxed and present when i squish a stress ball (a hot pink silicone cat, in my case). using a dedicated worry object helps me divert my attention away from repetitive body-focused behaviours like nail-biting, cheek-biting, leg-shaking, hair-pulling, hand-wrenching.