#co-dependant

As I said in my post on classic narcissists, messy characters make for great stories. So, here’s the next in my character profile series—writing vulnerable narcissists. Vulnerable narcissists are hard to spot and fun to write. A lesser-known type of narcissism is vulnerable narcissism (also referred to as closet, introverted, or covert narcissism). Vulnerable narcissists are self-absorbed,…

Normalizing truth means you make saying what is true and stating your opinion a routine part of your relationships. One of the saddest things in the relational world is to see someone who nods his head approvingly and looks interested in what is not interesting and agrees with what is not agreeable. Ironically, this makes overly compliant people--who very much want to be known and trusted--difficult people to know and trust. How do you trust someone who can’t seem to come up with his own opinion? How do you know what his motive is for being agreeable? Is he protecting himself? Trying to get on your good side? Saying what sounds good because he’s not sure what he thinks?

This is why people who have a hard time clarifying their own boundaries also often feel very alone. Their overcompliance keeps people from sensing who they really are, which means there is little actual and deep contact. When a person has that habit, it is generally a sign that she is afraid of her own definition and identity or that if the person she really is emerges, she will be met with criticism or judgment.

You must begin to trust that there is a real “you” who has some edges and is lovable... Instead of waiting to see if the coast is clear, get in the habit of saying what you observe, think, like, or don’t like. People may agree or not agree... but as you normalize truth tellingin your relationships, you will find it easier to trust that your defining boundaries are good and that they will help you connect to others in healthy ways.

--Beyond Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend (Italics mine)

I got a major check-in with myself about co-dependency and overcompliance yesterday.

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

What that means is that one individual is enabling another’s self-destructive behavior.  You can see (an extreme) example of this in shows like “My 500 Pound Life” in which someone continues to provide a morbidly obese significant other or family member with unhealthy amounts and / or types of food and drink even though it is literally killing them.  You can see further examples on shows like “Intervention” or “Dr. Phil” in which family members or spouses support their drug-addicted loved ones when it would likely be more healthy for them to “hit rock bottom.”   

The reason co-dependence is bad is that it is toxic in one or more manners.  These relationships hamper things like recovery, growth, and the ability to function on their own as an adult.  There are certainly different severities of co-dependence, some of which are more harmful than others.  A truly healthy relationship is one in which both people are capable of independence.

Does that make some sense?  Is there a particular way that co-dependence is being used that you’d like further insight to?

Do you find yourself waiting secretly for your knight in shining armour to whisk you off your feet so you can live happily ever after?

Or for a wonderful woman to lift off your depression and sense of aimlessness?

Although we laugh at such ridiculous fantasies as the stuff of naïve, lovesick teenagers, we all must face the deep temptation within ourselves to ask our partner to fulfil all of our…

It bothers me when I can't tell that I miss my boyfriend when he's gone because I just miss him, or if it's because of co-dependance.