it was long and awkward for my size, especially when filled with water for a winsome old goat, feed for frank sinatra, oscar wilde- that hulking honey brown sage, or my great big beloved spot- brown with a white heart gleaming just above his left back leg. if the boys heard you coming they’d run like devil twins run, through the brambles and the mud, down the hill. turning a simple task into a hopeless struggle: the scattering of food in a trough around three bull’s eyes and mouths and sand papery tongues- diamonds in the rough. you'll make it out of this scathed. so it was me and a young woman who could, if she had a craving, make duck soup out of me- i would get in a few prodding blows, but it would end in her eating me for breakfast, probably lunch and dinner, too she never carried the bucket. it sabotaged my bad hip and turned my arms into jelly- you’re gonna carry that weight a long time. i thought about getting mad and how it's best to choose your battles with someone who can’t come careful to reason. by can’t, i mean won’t. i thought about how much stronger i would be if i just carried that bucket every day. then i wanted to carry more. i scratched hearts into sprouting potatoes and stuffed them in my pockets. the first morning i walked with them to the field frank sinatra ran at me from atop the hill and stopped 15.24 centimeters from my face to slurp a red spud from my hand. he was a fervent force, so easy and ardent and calm, that it left a fluttering in my stomach- it was the first of many times i would kiss him. i gathered thorny leaved branches that made my body bleed, picked wildflowers growing on the cliffs in the mist of the north atlantic, and collected them into bouquets that i brought to gemma when she could no longer walk. she’d head her door open in the morning- inviting helpless torment from kids alive only to bite and drink and climb. to her it was worth enduring for one glimpse of the sun which she loved better now that she was missing clusters of hair, seeing the sand fall with the rain, bowing at it all in gratitude. it was heavy, it hurt. so good.