#chronically overwhelmed

It hurt. Bad.

I’m normally not super bothered by words. I have I genuinely self-deprecating sense of humor (not because I’m insecure, because I AM secure and I genuinely think it’s funny), and roasting/being roasted is fun to me. But this was different.

I’ll spare you the details, but long story short I got into an argument with my 12-year-old brother. He wanted me to research something for him that he was unable to research himself, which I did to the best of my ability (research can be hard for me though) and I couldn’t find the answer he wanted. He couldn’t accept this. Things got heated and he lashed out, saying, “it’s not my fault you’re dumb and lazy.”

I know he’s young and immature and he was frustrated, and I know he probably didn’t mean it. But it still cut me so deep.

It hurt because I know that so many people have thought that way about me. My teachers, my employers, my family. Even having advanced test scores every year for state testing and being put in gifted classes. Even bending over backwards at my job to make sure things were getting done. They still thought I was dumb and/or lazy, no matter how hard I tried.

The reason for that is because I’m not “normal.”

I regularly and easily become so overwhelmed that I can’t function. I get paralyzed and do nothing at all.

I have a hard time understanding questions and instructions if they’re too vague, so I either misunderstand and do it wrong or I ask “stupid questions” in a desperate attempt for clarification.

I did not ask to be this way. I don’t want to be this way. I try so hard to give the people around me my best, but no matter how hard I try I can’t function the way everyone expects me to. So they assume I’m dumb and/or lazy. And it hurts like you wouldn’t believe.

Best metaphor I’ve seen yet, 🤔 & the most accurate. It’s like self sabotage trying to attempt something that you clearly can’t do.

Bare with me here because this one’s a biggie. I am a very intuitive person. And I don’t mean that with regards to the MBTI, though that also wouldn’t be wrong. I mean I frequently come to very accurate conclusions of people based on minimal information, if any at all. I could describe it as simply picking up on people’s “vibes,” or just a matter of gut instinct that I can’t actually explain. One my say I’m an extremely or abnormally skilled people-reader, despite having a hard time interacting with them. Believe it or not those two points are actually connected.

When I am observing people, I observe and analyze everything. I pick up on every single micro-expression in someone’s face, the subtlest gestures and body language, their exact choice of words, the tiniest changes in the pitch and tone of their voice, etc. Even when I’m not actively observing, I still pick up on all these things and what they could mean without directly and consciously processing them.

When I’m interacting with people, it gets harder. My brain still has to process all of that but is expected to do so even faster, while also having to process my own role in the conversation. If it’s a mundane/small talk conversation, it’s even harder because I’m expected to remember and vocalize concrete details. After awhile, it gets to be way too much and I can’t handle it anymore.

It’s like juggling while running on a treadmill turned all the way up. If properly trained and given enough preparation and practice, juggling can be done. When not juggling, running on a treadmill set to the proper speed is fine. But when you combine them and turn the speed past the comfortable level? You crash and burn.

Now let’s put you in handcuffs and set the treadmill on fire. That’s forced eye contact.

I am so much more comfortable when I don’t make eye contact with people, despite the fact that that’s what’s expected of me. Because when I make eye contact, several things happen: 1.) I feel nervous. It feels invasive and too intense and I don’t like it. 2.) I can’t observe the rest of the person’s face and body language, so I miss some of the details I rely on. 3.) I get distracted by the eyes themselves and stop paying attention to what the person is saying.

Now let’s add spikes onto the track of the treadmill. That’s people with strong personalities or strong displays of emotions.

That shuts me down more than anything. It’s so completely overwhelming my brain can barely process it. I don’t know how to handle strong displays of emotion —negative ones, especially— or how to respond to them. Not knowing makes me panic, which makes it harder to function. If someone’s emotional expressions are strong enough, it actually makes me nauseous and brings me to the brink of tears. Not knowing how to react causes further panic, too, because then I worry about how I’m coming across. I don’t want people to think I don’t care when I do.

I cannot possibly emphasize enough how accurate comparing all of this to a deer in headlights is. That includes both how it feels to me and how I react.

Now, back to the point about me generally being intuitive. Like I said, I pick up on everything about other people. Including a lot of things other people don’t pick up on, things I don’t even know how to explain. But it’s still there. If no one else is seeing it though and I don’t know how to explain how I came to that conclusion, do you think anyone believes me? Most of the time, they don’t. “Just a feeling” or “gut instinct” or “vibes” are not acceptable answers to people. They say I can’t just dislike someone “for no reason,” even though I do have a reason.