āAnti-Gravity Brainā Frustrating Thing #4: Hyperfixation:
What is hyperfixation? Iāve heard it described multiple ways. One person said it felt like falling in love, and another that it was like a safety blanket. Others have described as frustrating and consuming, like you lose all control of yourself and all grasp of the world around you. I agree with both sides.
As a teenager, I started becoming aware of the fact that I would go through what I referred to as āobsessive phases,ā where I would find something that I loved with all my heart and soul and it would fully consume me. It was all I thought about, all I talked about, all I wanted to do, and it brought me more joy than anything else in the world. Sometimes it would last weeks, sometimes months or years. Sometimes it would be a cluster of āsub-interestsā.
At 12, it was Evanescence; I listened to their music exclusively, researched every song, every band member, and I sat and looked at each CD cover and booklet constantly. At 14, it was Marvel and DC; I watched the movies, read the comics, listened to the soundtracks, researched everything, watched interviews, all of it constantly. My friends and family started getting frustrated with me because it was all I ever wanted to do or talk about, but it was my life. At 15 it was Star Wars, 16 was My Chemical Romance, 17 was Star Wars again, 18 was The X-Files and Marvel again. These past few years have been anime, with the specific anime I obsess over fluctuating every couple weeks or months.
I feel like this is an important aspect of ADD/ADHD (and perhaps being an INFP is a part of the intensity of this, in my case) that not a lot of people talk about. To some it might just sound like weāre simply passionate people that get really into things, but thatās a drastic understatement. Itās so much more than that. Itās completely all consuming and capable of invoking stronger emotions than anything else in life. It can become a part of your identity, a coping mechanism, a form of self-expression, and even a way of communicating.
It can also, however, be terrifying. For me personally, I lose control of my mind to the point where I can barely focus on day to day life. Instead of functioning I just want to pace my house and think about whatever Iām hyperfixated on, or listen to the music, or read about it, etc. I have to reign myself in hard these days so I donāt talk peopleās ears off about these things, despite how badly I want to talk about them.
But itās not just the loss of mental control thatās scary; itās also about how quickly these periods of hyperfixation can end. When I become obsessed with something, it becomes my life and my identity. Until suddenly it isnāt. Then Iām either left feeling empty and aimless or completely engrossed in something else entirely. A lot of times I can even end up feeling completely apathetic towards previous hyperfixations; not a great thing when youāve already told everyone how much you love it and bought a ton of merch for it.
For example, the other day my dad was talking to me about something about Star Wars. It was cool, I do still like Star Wars, but Iām not completely engrossed in it the way I used to be and my reaction reflected that. āI thought you loved Star Wars!ā My dad told me, naturally confused. He was right, at one time it consumed my entire soul. Now I still like it, but compared to anime, I really donāt care all that much. It just doesnāt make me feel the way it used to, the way anime makes me feel now.
Itās that exact feeling I have a hard time putting into words, and not many people seem to understand. In most areas of life, my emotions are very dulled and numbed. I donāt have very strong feelings, nor can I easily express said feelings, even when dealing with the people I love. But when Iām taking part in whatever my current hyperfixation is? It is a complete and indescribable bliss. Pure joy. I feel it in my whole body and I can barely contain it. Itās like being wrapped in a warm, soft blanket on a chilly day. It makes me happier than anything else in the world, nothing can even compare. It just also can make it that much harder to function through day-to-day life normally.