#mental processing

My name is Amina and I am a BSc Psychology with Honours student at the University of Hertfordshire. I am also the principal researcher of a study that aims to investigate whether judging category relatedness within semantic memory can be influenced by the level of typicality the items have alongside whether high versus low autistic traits have any effect on the performance of different types of processing.

I am currently taking volunteers for this online study. Any adults aged 18 to 65 can volunteer and you do not need an official Autism diagnosis to take part.

In the study, you will be given an item/ definition/ scenario at the top of your screen and will have to decide which of two following words match best to that using your keyboard. After that is completed you will be given the RAADS-14 questionnaire to complete.

It will take roughly 15 minutes to complete. However, a maximum of 30 minutes is given for the entire study to be completed including the information sheet, consent form, debrief sheet, and the “breaks” given (which are just for momentarily resting your eyes and hands), otherwise I cannot use your data. Please note that this study cannot be completed on a mobile phone or tablet, it must be done on a computer/laptop as the keyboard is required for the study’s completion.

You can completed this study at anytime until 23:59 GMT on Friday 1st of March here:

https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/0D915D45-8D85-44F9-9B63-376AF0C70573

This study has been approved by the Ethics Committee at the University of Hertfordshire and is also being conducted under the supervision of Dr. Nicholas Shipp.

Your participation is very important for this study and is very much appreciated.

Thank you for your time!

Many Thanks

Amina

I actually have trouble watching shows/movies where couples fight a lot, especially if they're yelling all the time or throwing things. Like watching Mr & Mrs Smith type stuff is way more triggering for me than I expect it to be.

In my last post about sensory processing issues, I talked about my experiences with textures/physical sensations. But today, I’m going to be talking about sounds. This would happen to be because I’m currently in a state of sensory overload, so I’m intensely evaluating my responses to auditory input.

In my odd relationship with sounds, I’m sensitive to both understimulation and overstimulation. If I’m in complete silence, it brings me anxiety. I become hyper-aware of tiny sounds that add up, and my environment just feels too big and vast. The world itself starts feeling too big, and all I want is to curl up in a tiny spot to make the world feel smaller. To combat this, I usually turn the radio or white noise on in the background, or better yet, I’ll put my earbuds in with music. It provides the perfect sound bubble that keeps me cut off from the world in a way that still allows me to interact with the world.

Overstimulation, on the other hand, does also bring anxiety, but different and so much worse. Like understimulation, I become hyper-aware of all the sounds around me, but rather than the world suddenly feeling too big, it just feels too… much. All of the sounds I’m hearing abruptly become way too loud and it starts to hurt. This is the worst with the sound of people talking. Their voices become so sharp sounding, and it sounds like they’re yelling even if they’re speaking at normal volume. Words start to blur together; it sounds like I’m processing them at a delayed speed. Like I’m hearing the words, but they’re not registering in my brain. Somehow, auditory overstimulation even affects my eyes. My vision starts to blur and go dark and my eyelids start twitching, like they’re trying to close; I have to squint if I want to see. I don’t know how to fully describe the feeling overstimulation brings out in me. Like I’m about to cry, my chest hurts, I feel restless. Something somewhere hurts but I haven’t actually figured out what yet.

Like understimulation, the best method of fighting overstimulation I have is to put earbuds in and listen to music. Somehow, even when my environment is too loud and busy, familiar music in my earbuds as loud as possible calms me down. It’s like I said before, the sound bubble. It blocks everything out. It helps too if it’s music I’m familiar with, sometimes it’s even the same song on a loop for hours and hours. Music helps with social overstimulation too (earbuds only, though), or just in general any time I’m feeling upset or overwhelmed.

I have other problems with sounds too. There are certain noises that are just so unreasonably upsetting to me, I have to leave the room. Specifically, the sounds of people eating and breathing, silverware scraping against dishes, pencils scraping, etc. Even some types of music bother me. Usually it’s electronic music with lots of tiny sounds like clicking and tapping, or that has an unusual beat to it; it can also be ambient music that’s droning. A lot of the songs people consider to be “calming” are usually stressful for me, whereas my “calming” music is actually pretty busy and energetic.

Bare with me here because this one’s a biggie. I am a very intuitive person. And I don’t mean that with regards to the MBTI, though that also wouldn’t be wrong. I mean I frequently come to very accurate conclusions of people based on minimal information, if any at all. I could describe it as simply picking up on people’s “vibes,” or just a matter of gut instinct that I can’t actually explain. One my say I’m an extremely or abnormally skilled people-reader, despite having a hard time interacting with them. Believe it or not those two points are actually connected.

When I am observing people, I observe and analyze everything. I pick up on every single micro-expression in someone’s face, the subtlest gestures and body language, their exact choice of words, the tiniest changes in the pitch and tone of their voice, etc. Even when I’m not actively observing, I still pick up on all these things and what they could mean without directly and consciously processing them.

When I’m interacting with people, it gets harder. My brain still has to process all of that but is expected to do so even faster, while also having to process my own role in the conversation. If it’s a mundane/small talk conversation, it’s even harder because I’m expected to remember and vocalize concrete details. After awhile, it gets to be way too much and I can’t handle it anymore.

It’s like juggling while running on a treadmill turned all the way up. If properly trained and given enough preparation and practice, juggling can be done. When not juggling, running on a treadmill set to the proper speed is fine. But when you combine them and turn the speed past the comfortable level? You crash and burn.

Now let’s put you in handcuffs and set the treadmill on fire. That’s forced eye contact.

I am so much more comfortable when I don’t make eye contact with people, despite the fact that that’s what’s expected of me. Because when I make eye contact, several things happen: 1.) I feel nervous. It feels invasive and too intense and I don’t like it. 2.) I can’t observe the rest of the person’s face and body language, so I miss some of the details I rely on. 3.) I get distracted by the eyes themselves and stop paying attention to what the person is saying.

Now let’s add spikes onto the track of the treadmill. That’s people with strong personalities or strong displays of emotions.

That shuts me down more than anything. It’s so completely overwhelming my brain can barely process it. I don’t know how to handle strong displays of emotion —negative ones, especially— or how to respond to them. Not knowing makes me panic, which makes it harder to function. If someone’s emotional expressions are strong enough, it actually makes me nauseous and brings me to the brink of tears. Not knowing how to react causes further panic, too, because then I worry about how I’m coming across. I don’t want people to think I don’t care when I do.

I cannot possibly emphasize enough how accurate comparing all of this to a deer in headlights is. That includes both how it feels to me and how I react.

Now, back to the point about me generally being intuitive. Like I said, I pick up on everything about other people. Including a lot of things other people don’t pick up on, things I don’t even know how to explain. But it’s still there. If no one else is seeing it though and I don’t know how to explain how I came to that conclusion, do you think anyone believes me? Most of the time, they don’t. “Just a feeling” or “gut instinct” or “vibes” are not acceptable answers to people. They say I can’t just dislike someone “for no reason,” even though I do have a reason.

What is hyperfixation? I’ve heard it described multiple ways. One person said it felt like falling in love, and another that it was like a safety blanket. Others have described as frustrating and consuming, like you lose all control of yourself and all grasp of the world around you. I agree with both sides.

As a teenager, I started becoming aware of the fact that I would go through what I referred to as “obsessive phases,” where I would find something that I loved with all my heart and soul and it would fully consume me. It was all I thought about, all I talked about, all I wanted to do, and it brought me more joy than anything else in the world. Sometimes it would last weeks, sometimes months or years. Sometimes it would be a cluster of “sub-interests”.

At 12, it was Evanescence; I listened to their music exclusively, researched every song, every band member, and I sat and looked at each CD cover and booklet constantly. At 14, it was Marvel and DC; I watched the movies, read the comics, listened to the soundtracks, researched everything, watched interviews, all of it constantly. My friends and family started getting frustrated with me because it was all I ever wanted to do or talk about, but it was my life. At 15 it was Star Wars, 16 was My Chemical Romance, 17 was Star Wars again, 18 was The X-Files and Marvel again. These past few years have been anime, with the specific anime I obsess over fluctuating every couple weeks or months.

I feel like this is an important aspect of ADD/ADHD (and perhaps being an INFP is a part of the intensity of this, in my case) that not a lot of people talk about. To some it might just sound like we’re simply passionate people that get really into things, but that’s a drastic understatement. It’s so much more than that. It’s completely all consuming and capable of invoking stronger emotions than anything else in life. It can become a part of your identity, a coping mechanism, a form of self-expression, and even a way of communicating.

It can also, however, be terrifying. For me personally, I lose control of my mind to the point where I can barely focus on day to day life. Instead of functioning I just want to pace my house and think about whatever I’m hyperfixated on, or listen to the music, or read about it, etc. I have to reign myself in hard these days so I don’t talk people’s ears off about these things, despite how badly I want to talk about them.

But it’s not just the loss of mental control that’s scary; it’s also about how quickly these periods of hyperfixation can end. When I become obsessed with something, it becomes my life and my identity. Until suddenly it isn’t. Then I’m either left feeling empty and aimless or completely engrossed in something else entirely. A lot of times I can even end up feeling completely apathetic towards previous hyperfixations; not a great thing when you’ve already told everyone how much you love it and bought a ton of merch for it.

For example, the other day my dad was talking to me about something about Star Wars. It was cool, I do still like Star Wars, but I’m not completely engrossed in it the way I used to be and my reaction reflected that. “I thought you loved Star Wars!” My dad told me, naturally confused. He was right, at one time it consumed my entire soul. Now I still like it, but compared to anime, I really don’t care all that much. It just doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, the way anime makes me feel now.

I only just learned very recently that Sensory Processing Disorders were a thing, and a part of neurodivergence at that. I had no idea, I always thought I was just “picky” with textures. Turns out though, freaking out if your clothes are the wrong texture isn’t normal. Who would’ve guessed.

I still remember going places with my family when I was little, like 2-8, that involved dressing up in nicer clothes. My parents would buy me the prettiest dresses; think lots of chiffon and lace and sparkles. I looked like a little princess, and all the grownups would fawn over me. I’m sure any other little girl would’ve relished the chance to dress up and the attention from adults. But I, on the other hand, would spend the day sobbing.

I hated those dresses.

I would walk around with my arms held out so they wouldn’t touch the sides of the dress, and I squirmed constantly because I could feel every millimeter of the scratchy fabric brushing my skin. It was so itchy it hurt. It was like a thousand spiders crawling all over my body and biting me. Even if the fabric itself wasn’t so bad, if there were noticeable seams touching my skin, it was just as bad. I couldn’t not cry when I felt like someone was setting me on fire.

It was the same all throughout my childhood. Instead of buying cute underwear with fun characters and patterns on it like most kids would want, I would insist on getting the highest waisted ones possible —even though they were plain— so that they could shield my skin from the waist of my jeans. When I discovered camisole undershirts existed, I was ecstatic to finally have something to keep scratchy seams off my skin. To be honest, I never really grew past most of that. I stick to jeggings instead of jeans, soft t-shirts only, and if something does have a bad texture, I simply cannot wear it. Sometimes even touching it makes me squirm uncontrollably.

I was out shopping for clothes with my grandma recently and every so often she would suggest something with a bad texture. The second I would touch it, my whole body would involuntarily shudder and I’d have to shake my hands for a second to get the texture off. She would chuckle every time I did it, and I’m sure it was funny to watch. I know it didn’t make sense to her, but then I realized that it didn’t make sense to me either. I never actually even realized I did that.

The more I thought about it the more I realized just how sensitive to textures I actually am, and not just clothes either. Paper, cardboard, walls, and unglazed ceramic are some of the worst to me. If I accidentally touch them, I do the shudder thing and immediately want to cut my hands off; I have to shake them or clench and unclench them to get the texture out. If I accidentally scratch them? Oh my GOD. I feel it in my whole body and it makes me want to throw up. I can’t even contain how awful it feels. Even after I shake it out of my system, it still lingers.

It translates to food, too. If there are too many contrasting textures, it gets hard to get down. If I find an unexpected texture (especially while eating meat), my appetite is destroyed and I can’t finish eating. If I try to force myself to, I start gagging.

There are good textures too, though. Those were always my favorite toys when I was little. It was always so satisfying for me to run my hands over the good textures again and again. Even nowadays, if I find something with a pleasing texture, it’s so hard to resist holding it and feeling it.

If any of you have seen The Mentalist (police drama), then you might know the term "mental palace." Everyone has different names for how they store information in their mind, if I'm not mistaken. I call mine the grid. I talked to my mom once about the grid, what it looks like, what it does and how I utilize it.

(its just a massive grid with circles surrounding the points. some circles are bigger and intersect others. The points are where I keep people and events, while the circles express their effect and capacity for other things. Its mission stamens "everything comes from somewhere and goes somewhere. I use it to log things I know about others - interests, friends, flaws, strengths and progress.)

The grid is a great way for me to maintain my interpersonal balance of people pleasing and boundary setting. While I told my mom about this, I think I might have come off manic. She did that thing where her eyes are wide, she's backing up from me, and trying to find an out or change the conversation. I was more pleading with her to try to see what I see, but she kept telling me she does not know what im talking about.

I talked about it with my Dad over texting, so I didn't really have social cues, but he told me he does not know what I'm talking about even after I drew a picture. When I talked to my sister, she seemed to understand what I was saying. I think its a generational thing.