RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Though she will claim otherwise, she is perfectly safe and experiences no pain or visionary states while inside the Machine. Do not be fooled by her slander.
Bring her home before midnight, or at the very least back somewhere within the audible range of the Machine before that time. In the event that your clocks begin to move backwards, await contact from me using the one-time-pad that you will receive shortly.
If you ever make my daughter cry, close your eyes and cover your ears immediately. If possible, place a damp cloth over your nose and mouth. You have until the completion of the Sphere to move to at least 15 meters away.
No alcohol or drugs except the gray pills.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a lot of property to bury things on. Should the unthinkable happen, I would be honored to attempt to take shelter in a shallow ditch or improvised foxhole with you, despite the obvious fact that firearms could not save us.
As her boyfriend, it's your responsibility to protect my daughter from the man in red. If you encounter him, remain calm and cordial but do not acknowledge any question or statement he makes.
When the feather appears in your right hand, destroy it immediately.
Do not resist my daughter if she becomes violentāGoing limp has repeatedly been proven to be the best way to avoid serious injury. If you happen to go supine, do not swallow anything she spits into your mouth.
While you're spending time under my roof, know that I'll be watching your every move for signs of nerve damage or performance of known mannerisms and speech patterns of the man in red.
Do not swallow anything she spits into your mouth.
USE PROTECTION. If she ever gets you pregnant, God help us all.
