Get Ready, Internet World.  Alex has been reading some porn literature recently/ Female Chauvinist Pig (FCP) by Ariel Levy. 

"It can be fun to feel exceptional--to be the loophole woman, to have a whole power thing, to be an honorary man.  But, if you are the exception that proves the rule, and the rule is that women are inferior, you haven't made any progress"--Ariel Levy, pg. 117, FCP

This sentence strikes a real fucking chord with me, because in the past I've been a pretty strong dissenter of women. Not abjectly or in a directly harmful way, but I always professed to prefer doing scenes with men, preferred acting with men, preferred WORKING with men, because I could "trust them to take my weight".  No matter what I threw at guys, I knew they could take.  I can trust them to be there, because IF NOTHING ELSE,  I know the gender roles to subscribe to and fall back on. I know how to behave with men.  

The truth is: I think it IS more challenging for women to learn how to work with each other, because there isn't such a cut and dried  dynamic, but OH MY GOD THE POWER OF WOMEN, THE INCREDIBLE CAPABILITY OF WOMEN.  It's a weird thing to realize that you have been perpetuating a stereotype and if you aren't against them, you are with them. 

This is not to say that I do not love my male friends--who are nurturing geniuses and sweetest men, but it becomes clearer to me the need to foster female love and female pride.   The sense that I should be a boy/girl because I will never be a biddy/hott girl because I am not that skinny, I am too tall, and I am an A-cup breast.  The thought of getting a boob job totally freaks me out, and I hope I don't ever do it, because like OH MY GOD, WOULDN'T I HAVE TO ASSASSINATE MYSELF IF I GOT A BOOB JOB? 

People have totally profited from boob jobs and never looked back, but like....is this behavior for me?  I just feel like I would still be Alex-but-with-big-jugs.  I'm not sure I would necessarily be sexier?  I would just have big boobs. Does that instantly make someone sexier? Tragically....this may be the case.

Two nights ago, I bombarded my roommates with the keen speech of "Well, my boobs aren't getting any bigger so I have to love who I am....but in a real talk world I GUESS I would like to have a C/D cup."  The two gay faithful frings jumped in with a, "No!!! It would be SO hard to exercise! It's just VERY hard to buy bras at that size!!!!"  And I thought, "Thank god, for the motherfucking gays. They will never advise you to have bigger boobs because THEY HAVE YOUR HEALTH IN MIND."  

The weird thing to me is like, maybe my husband will always wish I had bigger boobs--THE PORN BOOK TELLS ME THIS IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY--but I was thinking on the train yesterday that I think it's not hard to fall in love with someone--it's really not hard at all, you just have to choose to do so.   I honestly think that the amount I cry is kinda sexier than any boobs I might or might not have.