#chat logs

Sammyboi: I HOPE HWAS FUCKING STARVING IN A FUCKING BACKWATER UNDERGROUND SHITDTAINBOF A TOWN ABKE TO EVEN WLAK HIS ASS TO A HOTEL TO SLEPE

Sammyboi: i hate him so much

Sammyboi: big u don’t understand

Sammyboi: i hate him

Sammyboi: i hate hjm

IGetKnockedDown: hey whats wrong

Sammyboi: Christian

IGetKnockedDown: who?

Sammyboi: my first ex

IGetKnockedDown: Oh what happened

Sammyboi: he fucking hurt me so much

IGetKnockedDown: 🫂

Sammyboi: he hurt me

Sammyboi: & he’s still hurting me

Sammyboi: half a fucking life later

IGetKnockedDown: 🫂🫂🫂

IGetKnockedDown: did you run into him?

-9:48pm-

IGetKnockedDown: Sam?

IGetKnockedDown: is he with you right now?

-10:01pm-

Sammyboi: no

Sammyboi: I just

Sammyboi: I fnd sum of my drawings

Sammyboi: from back then

IGetKnockedDown: oh thank fuck

IGetKnockedDown: You still have them?

Sammyboi: apparently

IGetKnockedDown: And they reminded you of all the stuff that happened?

Sammyboi: yea

Sammyboi: he fuckin-

Sammyboi: he made me watch myself get fucked

Sammyboi: cuz he liked watching it from a front on angle

Sammyboi: I fucking hate him

Sammyboi: I want 2 chop his dick off

IGetKnockedDown: understandable!!!

Sammyboi: I hate him & I hate tht I missed him

Sammyboi: I hate tht I had enjoyed him being arnd

Sammyboi: I jumped thru so many of his fking hoops

Sammyboi: so he’d keep “loving” me

IGetKnockedDown: 🫂

-10:20pm-

Sammyboi: I hate him so much

Sammyboi: KRHAHHHHHHHH

Sammyboi: I h8 my fucking body

Sammyboi: it’s so fking rancid & urgfly & hidious

Sammyboi: nobody can fucking love such a fixkinf fat fuck

Sammyboi: big I fucking can’t do this shit

IGetKnockedDown: hey, it’sokya

IGetKnockedDown: you aren’t unlovable

Sammyboi: whtvr

IGetKnockedDown: 🫂

-1:27am-

IGetKnockedDown: hey Sam?

IGetKnockedDown: you okay?

IGetKnockedDown: sorry if you’re asleep

IGetKnockedDown: just worried

-1:30am-

Sammyboi: nooooooo but I fkin will bbbbbb

IGetKnockedDown: oh

IGetKnockedDown: is hark there?

Sammyboi: no

Sammyboi: he’s on a “bUsiNeSs tRIp”

IGetKnockedDown: so wait then where are you staying?

IGetKnockedDown: Right now I mean

Sammyboi: at a friend’s

IGetKnockedDown: not with sugar?

Sammyboi: it’s nowe ur fucomng business

IGetKnockedDown: are you drunk?

Sammyboi: fuck u mean drunk

Sammyboi: u thinkn I toucwh alchol?

Sammyboi: wwhat the fuck

IGetKnockedDown: Sam, I’m worried

Sammyboi: fucknu

IGetKnockedDown: Sam what happened

Sammyboi: nunya

IGetKnockedDown: please

IGetKnockedDown: plezae jusw tell me

-1:37am-

Sammyboi: I thini got roofied or whyvr sum shit

IGetKnockedDown: you what

IGetKnockedDown: Sam where are you

Sammyboi: I dunno

Sammyboi: don’y recognize theroom

Sammyboi: it’s whawidver tho

Sammyboi: par for the fickn coures

IGetKnockedDown: go to your maps on your phone?

Sammyboi: onw theys okd ass thinf?

Sammyboi: idk if it supeorts it

Sammyboi: whatvr was in that smoke

Sammyboi: wakc ass siht

IGetKnockedDown: Sam, you need to leave wherever you’re at.

-1:42am-

Sammyboi: hey at lesat somwonw thought I was sexy enough to rpae

Sammyboi: thast nice

IGetKnockedDown: what

IGetKnockedDown: Sam

_ missed call _

IGetKnockedDown: Sam what happened

IGetKnockedDown: plaea tell me wjags ogking on

_ missed call _

IGetKnockedDown: aare yorubruy

IGetKnockedDown: are tou huet

IGetKnockedDown: hurt

IGetKnockedDown: sam

_ missed call _

_ missed call _

_ missed call _

-2:03am-

IGetKnockedDown: imm calliigna sugar.

IGetKnockedDown: I donttrhave halrs number

IGetKnockedDown: I cannt

IGetKnockedDown: Sam plesae stayybsafe

-8:34am-

Sammyboi: Hey. This is Hark. I’ve got Sam.

IGetKnockedDown: oh thank shades

IGetKnockedDown: is he okay??

-8:37am-

Sammyboi: Looks like he went clubbing at a druggie hole in the wall, some asshole offered him something and then took him home. He reeked of weed and I have no clue what else is in his system. Sugar says he’s gonna be okay.

IGetKnockedDown: how often does this happen??

Sammyboi: I don’t know.

IGetKnockedDown: seriously????

IGetKnockedDown: you need to stay with him more it sounded like he was taken advantage of and hurt

Sammyboi: I’m doing my best. Sam’s extremely difficult to manage. it’s hard to hold down a job that isn’t what I’ve got.

IGetKnockedDown: how regularly is he messing around with drugs.

Sammyboi: he’s never touched what you did.

IGetKnockedDown: from what you know!! He was a mess last night, I didnt know what was going on. How often is he smoking?

Sammyboi: I don’t know.

IGetKnockedDown: oh my shades

Sammyboi: he’s okay. I’m home now. I’ve got him. You can relax. I’ve handled this before.

IGetKnockedDown: HANLESD IT ABEFORE???

IGetKnockedDown: he’s gotten roofied and and taken and hurt before????

Sammyboi: yes. And I handled it then. Calm down. You know what I can do, and what I can manage.

IGetKnockedDown: okay.

IGetKnockedDown: okay fine.

IGetKnockedDown: can I talk to Sam.

Sammyboi: he’s still out of it.

IGetKnockedDown: then I want to talk to him when he wakes up.

Sammyboi: ok

-5:31pm-

Sammyboi: hey

IGetKnockedDown: hey! How are you feeling?

-5:33am-

Sammyboi: like shit

IGetKnockedDown: you okay?

-5:35am-

Sammyboi: ig

IGetKnockedDown: what happened last night? You were texting me and it really scared me, so I wanna know what was going on cause yeah it was really really scary

Sammyboi: found sm drawings

Sammyboi: rnted 2 u

Sammyboi: thn i wnt out

Sammyboi: 2 a prty

Sammyboi: had sm fun

Sammyboi: left with sm guy

Sammyboi: that’s abt it

IGetKnockedDown: that’s all you remember?

Sammyboi: yup

IGetKnockedDown: Sam you really scared me

Sammyboi: sry

IGetKnockedDown: you said you thought you got roofied and implied you got assassulted

Sammyboi: sry

IGetKnockedDown: hey don’t be sorry

IGetKnockedDown: I just was really scared for you

Sammyboi: sry I scared u

IGetKnockedDown: did hark get you?

Sammyboi: ig

IGetKnockedDown: I’m sorry you went through all that

Sammyboi: not ur fault

Sammyboi: not rly a big deal

Sammyboi: was jst high as a fcking kite on a bad trip & pullin a autumn ig

-5:44pm-

IGetKnockedDown: wdym pulling an autumn

Sammyboi: oh yea u weren’t around 4 when he was like tht

Sammyboi: uhhhhhhhhhhh

Sammyboi: hed leave voicemails

Sammyboi: whl drunk

Sammyboi: scared the shit out of me smtimes

IGetKnockedDown: I see

Sammyboi: sry

-5:49pm-

Sammyboi: r u mad?

IGetKnockedDown: no!!! Of course not, was just really worried about you yknow?

Sammyboi: oki

-6:01pm-

IGetKnockedDown: so you went out to a party?

Sammyboi: yea

IGetKnockedDown: what kind of stuff was at the party

Sammyboi: oh stfu

IGetKnockedDown: I’m just asking

Sammyboi: hark interrogated me alrdy

Sammyboi: u don’t have 2

IGetKnockedDown: I just want to know? Hark didn’t tell me much. I’m worried about you

Sammyboi: fine

Sammyboi: blunts

Sammyboi: mybe sme shromms

Sammyboi: idk

Sammyboi: prbly sm acid

-6:12pm-

IGetKnockedDown: okay

Sammyboi: y

Sammyboi: wht was at prtys U went 2?

IGetKnockedDown: not that stuff

Sammyboi: smh

Sammyboi: we’re u doing coCANE I aSsuMe? Mr RoCk Star?

-6:18pm-

IGetKnockedDown: yeah, that was the main one there

Sammyboi: smh sterotpycal drug addictttttttt /j

IGetKnockedDown: I didn’t do that though

Sammyboi: oh you were a pussy rockstar

Sammyboi: what pussy drugs did u do? /j

IGetKnockedDown: seriously.

Sammyboi: oh cmon I was makin an estrogen joke

IGetKnockedDown: why???

Sammyboi: cause of the chest pillows thng

IGetKnockedDown: ohhhhhhhh

IGetKnockedDown: when did I tell you about that? I don’t remember telling you about that??

Sammyboi: u didn’t

Sammyboi: rise did

IGetKnockedDown: ah ok

Sammyboi: fr tho what drugs DID u do

IGetKnockedDown: well

-6:11pm-

IGetKnockedDown: I did something powdered once at a party? I very much was pressured into it. Very unpleasant, burned really bad for me. Never really did it again after that? I avoided parties actually, had a lot of things on my plate to do cause of boss. but other people at the theater did them a lot.

Sammyboi: ah

IGetKnockedDown: well. Sorta

Sammyboi: ?

IGetKnockedDown: I went on a bender of parties for a month or so, maybe more? There’s a pretty large time gap after like a couple parties

Sammyboi: damn

-6:14pm-

IGetKnockedDown: mainly did stuff orally, but it depended on how bad I got hurt. Fairy rocks I think is what some people called the stuff I did a lot of the time. Said it had magic in it. Did those for a while, like, a really long while, for the magic supplement that gave me actually not the high feeling so I could take the small H type of stuff. Affected me differently than everyone else, I got more mild of a euphoria I think.

Sammyboi: small h?

IGetKnockedDown: oh they were healing pills, sorry. That’s what they got called because of the Big H, heroin?

Sammyboi: gotcha

-6:20pm-

IGetKnockedDown: anyway I mixed them around a lot. Took stuff to combat negative of other stuff I took. Only once did something with a needle. Never again after that. I don’t know what the person had inside it. Badest of bad trips good at first but bad really bad experience. Couldn’t move, felt like my body died but my brain didn’t. Like I was asleep and awake at the same time. Scared me so bad.

Sammyboi: damn.

IGetKnockedDown: yeah

-6:43pm-

Sammyboi: soooooo

Sammyboi: have u slept

IGetKnockedDown: no

Sammyboi: how long

IGetKnockedDown: it’s really not that bad, I have times like this all the time

Sammyboi: and u get on me for not sleeping

IGetKnockedDown: Okay fine, two days.

Sammyboi: like

Sammyboi: 2day an yesterday?

IGetKnockedDown: sure

Sammyboi: k so longer than that

IGetKnockedDown: I was confirming!

Sammyboi: was a very sus confirmation

IGetKnockedDown: I last slept two days ago. I’ve been up for 45 hours ish I think?

Sammyboi: wtf

IGetKnockedDown: it’s not that bad

Sammyboi: big what the fucking fuck

IGetKnockedDown: it really isnt

Sammyboi: r u like snorting caffeine 2 stay up or smthin?

IGetKnockedDown: anxiety sucks.

Sammyboi: ANXIETY KEEPS U UP FOR 45 HOURS?????

-7:01 pm-

IGetKnockedDown: okay look, I was going to go to sleep, but then you scared me really bad and I just couldn’t cause I didn’t know if you were okay and my mind you know always jumps to the worst thing and believes nothing but that could possibly be the case and I just I couldn’t sleep I really couldn’t

Sammyboi: oh

Sammyboi: sry

IGetKnockedDown: it’s not your fault I want you to always feel like you can text me whenever and about whatever. My sleep is a mess anyway regardless of what you could do

Sammyboi: sry tho

IGetKnockedDown: Sam please don’t pull back now

IGetKnockedDown: please don’t

Sammyboi: I wont

Sammyboi: now go 2 sleep

Sammyboi: I’m tired as shit 2 anyway

IGetKnockedDown: ok

-1:32pm-

Throwaway333: should I?

BigBrainedBirb719: it’s hard to remember this is you when I’m looking through my list to send you a message

-1:39pm-

Throwaway333: can you just change my nickname? I can’t bring myself to change the user to something that could identify it as me

BigBrainedBirb719: I don’t know how to do it

Throwaway333: I don’t either

BigBrainedBirb719: I’m not gonna ask Sam

Throwaway333: yeah no

-1:41pm-

Throwaway333: he’d be pissed if he thinks I talk to you regularly enough for that

-1:43pm-

BigBrainedBirb719: even if I won’t ask him for this, in general you can’t just avoid telling him things that will make him upset

-1:46pm-

Throwaway333: I can’t handle him breaking up with me he’s everything to me, I can’t handle being without him and upsetting him that much

BigBrainedBirb719: oh

BigBrainedBirb719: that’s not healthy

-1:51pm-

Throwaway333: I know that but it’s still so so hard to be without him despite everything

BigBrainedBirb719: yeah I know, stuff like that is hard, getting away from “him” was so hard because he was all I had and I kept thinking that I was nothing without him

-1:55pm-

Throwaway333: I’m not leaving Sam.

BigBrainedBirb719: I didn’t mean it like that

BigBrainedBirb719: I just meant I get how it emotionally can wreck you

Throwaway333: Sam is nowhere near what Ritz was doing to you

BigBrainedBirb719: I’m not saying that

Throwaway333: sorry, sent text before your messages

BigBrainedBirb719: ah, still though

Throwaway333: yeah I know

-2:12pm-

Throwaway333: I’m working on the dependency for my emotional state on Sam

BigBrainedBirb719: I’m glad

-2:23pm-

Throwaway333: why do you care about how I’m doing?

BigBrainedBirb716: cause you’re someone I know?

-2:35pm-

Throwaway333: i bring horrible memories back to you by association, i tried to kill you, I caused you to have paranoia now that’s so bad you can’t leave your house, I’ve offed people and enjoyed it I’m not a good person at all and I’ve never been a good thing in your life at all

-2:42pm-

BigBrainedBirb716: it’s my responsibility to manage my mental health, not yours. And I understand a lot of the stuff you’ve dealt with and done. You weren’t even an adult. And it get it and get it so so much what it’s like to think you are a horrible unforgivable person. I’ve dealt with it so much. I know what that’s like. It’s hard and you hate yourself and no matter what anyone tells you you can’t let it go. Especially when you’ve got blood on your hands and you’ve hurt the people you love. It’s so hard to forgive yourself. I’m still struggling with it. I still feel like I caused Autumns death, I feel I caused Sam and Rises massive chasm of a rift between them, and it is entirely my fault you and Sam had have such horrible horrible things happen to you because I left and you two went searching for me. I understand so much about how it feels. And I’m sorry and I understand and there’s so many words I can’t even try to like express because there’s so many and it’s nearly impossible for me to convey it all.

-2:55pm-

Throwaway333: Big. I dont blame you for anything that happened to me. I got how horrible “home” can be. I envied you and Sam for the longest time because you two had people who loved you and let you be yourselves around each other. I didn’t. I had two caretakers who saw me not even as a person but someTHING to either treat like a doll to put on display, or a replacement for their business when they died. When you left searching for you as a way to escape. So no. I never blamed you. You inspired me to leave a place that was destroying me from the inside out. You led me to how to free myself. You didn’t make me a horrible person. Those were my mistakes. All of what’s wrong with me is my fault. not yours

-3:01pm-

BigBrainedBirb719: Can we both just agree to not call ourselves horrible people? Cause we’re just gonna go back and forth in self blame forever like this XD

Throwaway333: ok fine deal. lmao

-10:12pm-

Throwaway333: you’ve got blood on your hands?

-10:26pm-

BigBrainedBirb719: He made me

Throwaway333: oh shit

BigBrainedBirb719: I was getting “too close and attached” to someone

Throwaway333: are you serious?

-10:49pm-

BigBrainedBirb719: she was the closest friend I had at the time, she helped me learn things I never would have learned in fluremere, and were dangerous to not know. I told her everything that was going on and she was so pissed for me and I and he said that attachments make you weak and said if it wasn’t her then it was Sam, Rise and Autumn. She wasn’t even mad with me for not being able to choose her I think she thought he would kill her anyway which I know now was probably going to be the case but it destroyed me at the time and it’s so hard to try and not blame myself I didn’t want to do it so so much but I had no choice I loved her so much but I couldn’t love her enough to not kill her? I didn’t want to pick at all I loved them all the same and I hate myself for actually making a choice instead of letting him pick for me and it hurts so much still and I’m just gonna send this now before I can’t text anymore

-10:53pm-

Throwaway333: if Jeff didn’t kill that fucker I would’ve now

BigBrainedBirb719: you would’ve been killed if you tried

Throwaway333: you doubt my skill set?

BigBrainedBirb719: no I just know he’s extremely powerful and has had several a several times where people have tried to kill him and he sometimes ate them

Throwaway333: you saw that?

BigBrainedBirb719: he told me once when he was punishing me and I tried to fight him it scared the shit out of me which I guess was the point

Throwaway333: does your therapist know?

BigBrainedBirb719: pieces

Throwaway333: I’m so sorry dude

BigBrainedBirb719: I’d say it’s okay but it’s not

BigBrainedBirb719: it’s really really not

Throwaway333: yea

-1:01am-

Throwaway333: I’ve seen people at my old job gleefully off kids

-1:29am-

BigBrainedBirb719: oh

Throwaway333: I could never.

Throwaway333:I would NEVER

BigBrainedBirb719: yeah that’s horrible!

-1:32am-

Throwaway333: I couldn’t really do anything to stop them because they were often huge guys and at the time I was a scrawny 5’2” 15 year old lil shit.

BigBrainedBirb719: 🫂

Throwaway333: it’s still fucking me up

-1:38am-

Throwaway333: it’s hard to look at kids who come into the bakery and not think about what their heads would have looked like with a bullet through it or smashed in

BigBrainedBirb719: 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Throwaway333: thanks

Throwaway333: so to a degree I get it

Throwaway333: that fucker was horrible and despicable and I’m sorry I ever took that bounty

BigBrainedBirb719: oh yeah

BigBrainedBirb719: thanks for the apology

BigBrainedBirb719: but you saw a big number of money and yeah that’s understandable

Throwaway333: nothing justifies it

BigBrainedBirb719: Thanks then

-1:47pm-

Throwaway333: also do you just never sleep?

BigBrainedBirb719: uh haha nooooooo?

Throwaway333: by the fucking shades dude

Throwaway333: go to BED

BigBrainedBirb719: oh ok, pot? Meet kettle

Throwaway333: touché