#cd31

I’ve been sort of grumpy lately, and I didn’t really u sweat and why. Today I did some self reflection and figured out that I’m not really looking forward to testing in a week. If it’s negative it’s going to make me feel like shit, but if it’s positive it’s going to make me so sad. I wouldn’t be able to get a positive test if it wasn’t for my son dying. And that makes me so sad. Obviously I’d prefer to get a positive test, but it would be bittersweet for me. I would rather have my baby boy back.

6 DPO again I still have cramps!

So here I sit at cd 31 no af and 5 bfns. Why is it that every time I see that bone white second line I feel like a failure? I currently have seriously sore boobs and lot of lost faith. I’m at that point where you just want one or the other… Af or bfp. I just want to be able to move on… But I know test number 6 will come tomorrow morning.

Yeah, I'm sorry, this must be the most uninteresting stuff ever. I'm sick of it myself.

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... Is it wrong that I have my hopes up?