#ccitytask019

Now, he feels like I've abandoned him. The truth is, since triggering the wolf gene, I'm terrified to see him. Will I hurt him? Will he be able to tell? Can I hide it? Then I wonder... what if he has the gene, too? What if he has triggered, or will trigger soon. If my grandparents don't know where it came from, how can I guide him without being able to fully guide myself?

I need to talk to Simon about it soon...

Life is just unfair I feel like. I’ve never felt so abandoned before, other than when I was first abandoned a long time ago. But this time was so much worse. Both Patrick and Elessar didn’t want me around during the Gala, and I was so bored. Patrick said it was because I messed up when I made that wolf, something I don’t think counts as messing up since I didn’t kill her. Then Elessar said that he needed a break from me, but I don’t know why. 

It sucks. After they served us food, I just left. I don’t know anyone in the memorial, and I was so bored I didn’t want to be there anymore. What sucks is that I have nowhere to go. So I just decided to go home. Even if Patrick and Elessar aren’t around, I still have my family. They were all pretty happy to see me too, and they let me talk about why I’m upset. 

COVAIRECITYRP TASK 019: ❝  WEEKLY JOURNAL ❞

Today has been different. I finally decided to empty the twins’ bedrooms. I initially didn’t want to do any remodelling to the house, but with both Elijah and I now knowing the full truth of that event, I don’t want the shadow of them lingering in the house. I can accept talking about it with Eli, but I’d like to open some rooms again.

Post Event

The nights are getting longer now, much like how they did a long time ago. I remember, in bits and pieces, staring up at the night sky through the cracks in the prison I was put in. I liked the nights, they brought me a lot of peace, but I also wanted to go out in them. All the full moons, and celebrations I could only hear and never participate in. It hurt a lot but then Patrick came and it stopped hurting.

I don't remember a lot of things about that time after he saved me. It was all red, and I don't even think I spoke for the first year or two. He was very patient though, and helped me a lot. He was with me for all my full moons, and that was when I knew he would be my brother forever.

I never once thought about how things would be without Patrick here by my side. I guess I just can't ever imagine it. Even all those times where he would leave me some place, I know deep down he always knew I'd find him again. Lately though, I feel like that's changing. He's hinting at leaving, and for once I don't think I will go after him. It's odd, and I don't like thinking about it too much, but there's a lot in this city that I like. Well there's just one thing I like, but that one thing is worth staying for.

Now that I find myself in better health, Dear Diary... I want more. Perhaps it is the thrill-seeking ways as an ex-huntress. Perhaps it is the bloodlust of a vampire who is still young. I am not sure. But one thing that I know, is that I have an intense desire to hunt her down. No. Not just a desire. It compels me. It drives me. Sure, her attack may have been... instigated. I am known to have a hot head, and yet, I feel that it is not over.

I will not let it be over. I cannot.

Though to Fiamma, my darling Sire, I have promised to leave my grandsire alone... to no longer seek her out, I cannot ultimately stop until I feel her blood run cold and dry on my skin. She has caused so much loss. So much pain. To kill her, and to do so slowly -- to make her beg me...

That alone would be adequate payment for such a deed.

Tesla finally had her memories all back. And there was definitely a lot to unpack. Nothing bad. But so much had changed since before the attack. For instance, she'd run out of Sena's helpful supplements almost two weeks ago, but had not felt lightheaded or nauseous once. And during the last moon, she'd actually managed to take down a deer. Sure it'd been a small one, but she'd caught up to it with energy to spare.

COVAIRECITYRP TASK 019: ❝  WEEKLY JOURNAL ❞

The city is betting better. After so many wars fought, I know time will heal Covaire, it'll just take more of that time to heal those of suffered during the battle. I find myself reflecting on Cassidy and Elijah knowing about my sixth sense, and how neither were bothered by it. It's a reminder that how we see the world isn't necessarily a reflection of how others see it. And then, I think of Edgar. 

And I regret hiding this from him, because he is the person I once trusted the most before he was taken. Edgar was always there to help me, so why would he act any different for that? But truth is, this thing—affliction—it's never been about others, but how I felt about it. To me, feeling other people's feelings or knowing when they're lying is terrible. It's so intrusive; preventing people from hiding things about themselves they aren't ready to share. 

The brunette couldn't help but slam her apartment door open in frustration, her temper showing as the door slammed behind her. She threw something across the room, the journal slapping against the wall before sliding to the ground. She untied her hair, stripped of her clothing, and showered from her exhausting work day. Her thoughts drifted to her Psych Eval, one she thought she had successfully dodged with her diligent work. However, things didn't go well, and she was told she was cut from surgeries until further notice. She sighed, shaking the thoughts away as she finished her shower and returned to the rest of her apartment.

She drifted her eyes to the notebook as she wrapped a towel around her body, pursing her lips as she sighed. Before long, she was sitting on her comforter, nicely laid across the floor and folded as her makeshift bed. She opened the notebook, took the pen in the spiral out, and let the click fill her silent apartment as she began to write.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write here, considering I don't talk about my feelings. But...I guess that's why the therapist suggested such a stupid way to vent, as if writing it all down would make it go away. They claimed to understand that this must have been traumatic for me, but they had no fucking clue. They don't have to relive the moment Israel sank his canines into my flesh, do they? They don't have a permanent reminder on their body that they can't erase, despite how hard they try. They don't have to tremble at the constant smell of those around them, unable to stop themselves from seeking his scent out. I can't sleep cause every time I do, everything replays in my head perfectly, as if I was still there. My photographic memory no longer feels like a gift, only a burden to drag me down. I thought I was fine the first few days...but then a week passed...and then two weeks, and suddenly I couldn't handle the sleepless nights. One smell of a wolf today...and I lost all my senses, and instead of calming myself, I collapsed in the stairwell. I hadn't even realized I was having a panic attack until my Attendee pulled me out and realized I had skipped my Psych evaluation. I should have just slept and pushed past the nightmares, but I couldn't do it, and...I still can't. I can't even gain the courage to see Vincent after everything he did for me. Vincent...just thinking about him hurts because part of me fears him. I know I shouldn't feel that way...but I can't help myself. I remember the look of blood on his fur, and all I can think about is he must have killed people before I ran into him. I feel guilty for those thoughts...I do...but what if he did kill people? Innocent people...all because he was in a blind rage caused by the city's enemies. I can't imagine Vincent being a killer, as he's been so kind to me, but do I really know him? What if I know nothing about a wolf's true desires...and my mistake ends up being trusting him? No. No, I can't think like that. Vincent is my friend, not only that but someone who saved my life despite seeing me as an enemy. If I can trust anyone, it's Vincent. He's been honest with me from the day we met...even telling me about his ailment. Maybe...I should text him? If anyone would understand me...It would be Vincent. He was there for me. Yeah...I'm going to text Vincent and hope when he's lucid he'll see me.