#cat moves

On my last trip to my parent’s house I was killing time in the suburbs by reading all my mom’s fashion mags, a lot of which happen to be from a certain Eastern Euro country.  Easto ladies have the reputation of being sex bombs and knowing how to lure men (sluts), and one particular magazine had an extensive article teaching ladies how to improve their seksapil (sex-appeal) in order to bag a dude.

Very eager to improve my own sexappeal I dove into the article, and was falling off the couch with hysterical laughter at the tips given, when my mom approached me.  In an oddly serious tone, she schooled me on how I could really implement some of the pointers given as I am too awkward, talk too fast and not ladylike enough to ever get married (which clearly is the ultimate life goal for any female)

Since I personally feel that most of the article was RIDICULOUS, I have decided to translate it (and add some of my own commentary) and am throwing out a challenge to all you Hussy Readers,  go out and try out some of these tips, then please report back and let me know how it went.  I am quite curious to know if any of this works…

While in public, draw attention parts of your body by touching yourself.  Smooth out your skirt, hug yourself when you feel cold. When you do this, people will have the urge to touch you themselves.  (Hussy’s commentary: Why don’t I just hold on to my boobs?)

Imitate the moves of a cat.  Stretch slowly and stick out your buttocks. Walk as if you were walking on a ledge.  Move your hips from side to side. (Hussy’s commentary: My cat sticks out her butt a lot, presenting, when scratched in a particular spot… is this what they mean?)

Whispering.  Men are turned on by a breathy voice.  Think Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday.  A high pitch voice means stress. To do this breathe in slowly, breathe out almost all your air and talk only at the END of your breath.  Speak very slowly and pause a lot, pausing is sexy. (Hussy’s commentary: A friend and I tried this.  I almost made myself pass out by NOT breathing.  Pausing and talking slowly made us both sound retarded. Cue hysterical laughter.)

Dress.  Men are drawn to bright colours.  Pastels make you look romantic but not sexy, so select bright hues.  Whatever you wear, make sure you accentuate your breasts, by low cut necklines.  If your breasts are small, draw attention by using lace or letting a part of your undergarment peek out. (Hussy’s commentary: is this why I always get game when I am wearing electric blue tights or my underwear on top of my clothes?)

During conversation look him into the eyes while touching your neck.  Take your hair and uncover your neck.  This will make him want to touch you.  Uncover your wrists, they are one of the most appealing parts of a woman (Hussy’s commentary: what????)

Look at him from under your eyelashes, then quickly look away. (Hussy’s commentary: I call this move: the stare.  This actually does work, but make sure you do not look away too quickly as it makes you look insane / high)

Use any excuse to touch him. (Hussy’s commentary: Does making grabby hands at his crotch count? Men need direct information don’ t they?)

Discreetly copy his gestures and movements.  We are drawn to the ones who are similar to us. (Hussy’s commentary: Ok, that just sounds insane.  However, fine, I WILL adjust my package next time talking to a dude)

Play with an elongated object. A knife, the stem of your wine glass, a cigarette, your finger. (Hussy’s commentary: uhhhh so take any phallic shaped object and go to town on it?  Time to start carrying bananas in your purse, girls)