#cannot stop now

I reward myself with a shower. With washing my skin with baby soap. With hopes of washing my skin away. I turn the water up so hot that I can’t be fully submerged. I never look at my body in the shower. I forget that I have physical form. I am almost in a trance. My mind is so busy, I beg it to slow. The heat steams out my thoughts. It overwhelms me. My only comfort is the lava on my skin. My body turns into a ball of heat. A ball of firing nerves.

I do not feel beautiful in the shower. Only safe enough to open my mind.

I am thirsty. Or I am hungry and choose water instead. I want to drink it ice cold, so I can feel it wash down inside me.

I need the water hot or cold.

I often think about what I would be if I was a sea creature. I would want to be a bloom of jelly fish. Not just one, a thousand. All joyously bobbing in the salt. I know I would want to be a bloom because I feel like I would blanket the ocean appropriately. Also, a few of me would commit suicide by drying out on the beaches, too attracted to the sun to resist.