#how fun

The large-flesh-teeth-anger-scary-creature with the hoarse song had been so loud that it rattled xis carapace, and Rocky could do nothing but hang on to the handles of xis bubble and try to get Grace to move faster.

It had been so loud, and xe had realized that the ocean was made of a thick fluid, one that xe recognized only because xe had seen Grace bleeding before. It was an ocean made of blood. Friend-Grace had not seen how big the creature was. 

Rocky taps a few buttons on xis console, checking the scans from outside. There is still no sign of movement from the blood ocean they are orbiting over, and that is good. Hopefully the creature has gone away. 

Xe is thinking about xis crew. The creature had been howling in xis ear, the pitch too low/loud/close and speaking Eridian in a way xe thought xe might never hear again.

Rocky reaches up and grabs onto the upper handles of xis bubble, flipping upside down. It is very quiet in Grace’s ship and xe is trying to distract xemself because the alternative is replaying xis crew’s deaths in xis head and xe can’t do that. (Xe is failing at this objective). 

Eridani had never built a spaceship before. The best scientists were working on it around the clock for weeks/months/ages, and still they had no idea if it would work.

Rocky had known xe would be going along long before the ship was complete. There was no other alternative. Xe was one of the best engineers on planet, it would have to be xem. The others were needed on Eridani. Only old Ixtar Who-Watches-the-Rings would be going along. 

Adrian had known too. Rocky rubs xis forelegs together, humming softly to xemself, and tries to find comfort in the inlaid gem there, the reminder that Adrian is waiting for xem. (Is ze still waiting for xem? It has been so long… part of Rocky hopes that ze has found someone else to be happy with, impossible as it is).

Adrian had seen xim off on launch day, and Rocky still remembers zir sad trilling that ze tried to keep quiet as xe left. It is lodged in xis brain, etched into the crystals, and xe wonders if xe will keep thinking about it until xe passes on to the Eternal Warm Plain. But xe will never forget Adrian, glorious/kind/beautiful/love Adrian Who-Is-The-Maker-Of-Things-Warm-and-Beautiful. 

The crew had been so excited to go on the mission, too. They were all chattering happily to each other as Rocky and Ixtar had engaged the ion drive to lift them out of orbit. Ixtar was good at xis job, an Elder who was slowing, xis carapace softening and beginning to crumble, and so it fell to Rocky to scramble into tight spaces to fix the issues xe couldn’t reach. (There were many/many/many issues.) 

The other crew members had skittered around the ship happily for the first few months, chittering back and forth to each other about the mission, comparing notes, and speculating. Rocky spent most of xis time in the engine room, under the rippling dark canopy of the space-tiny-star-eaters, trying to put things back together when they broke. And things broke constantly.

It felt like xe would turn around and find that something xe had just fixed was broken again. It was infuriating. But it should have been expected, since it was the first/only time they had been to space. 

Rocky whines low, frustrated. Xe has been trying to stay calm since they brought the second human on board, and thinking about this now is not helpful. But there is nothing xe can do, and it is making xim jittery. Stress is flowing like electricity through xis body alongside the quick/silver/mercury of xis blood.

But there is nothing xe can do. Rocky cannot get near this new human, cannot watch him sleep, cannot even help Grace to stay calm because there is an energy from space that can kill xim from the inside out, can make xis systems decay and molecules come unstitched from the inside out, and there is nothing xe can do to stop it. It is a distressing thought. 

Rocky flips back down to the floor and taps xis claws together anxiously, trying to peer through the walls. It is quiet in the medical room, and xe has a hard time at first distinguishing the two human shapes from the walls around.

New-Human is sleeping, xe thinks, is horizontal and not moving and not talking, and for a brief moment xe thinks maybe he has died (and xe was not watching), but no, there, the sound of a rhythmic thumping. What Grace had explained was the human blood-regulator-organ.

A heart/beat.

Sounds like Eridian drums, on high-light festival days. 

Xe thinks it is like the Eridian thrum that goes low and quiet when sleeping, that thing that lets xim know xis crew is still there and alive. The crew had started going into sleep cycle more frequently as they approached Tau Ceti.

Rocky didn’t know what was happening to make everyone so tired, but xe focused on managing the engine. It took one Eridian to man the star-eater engine, and that was Rocky’s job. Xe was a Fixer-Of-Things, and so xe repaired anything that went wrong with the ship. 

Doctor Qualoran Who-Is-Always-Thinking-of-Others was the first to notice something was wrong, when the crew members began to report feeling strange and sluggish. It took them all a while to figure out what was happening, but one by one Rocky watched xis crew-mates fall very very ill.

Qualoran had determined it had nothing to do with food, nothing to do with any disease they could think of, but all Rocky could focus on was that xe was hearing the silver/mercury blood flow from tiny pinpricks in the other’s carapaces, draining them of energy/of life, hearing their breath-lung-organs and their food-processing-organs begin to dissolve little by little, collapsing and flooding into the delicate crystalline structures of their brains. 

Halara Who-Hums-Joy-Songs was the first to go. Ze had been young, barely past zir majority, a brilliant biologist along to help figure out why Tau Ceti was alive/stable/bright/not dying. Ze had been in the same learning-rank as Rocky’s youngest hatch-mate, and they had met a few times at festivals.

Ze died slow, and Rocky chitters faintly to xemself as the memory of zir weakly twitching legs floods xis mind. Halara had been scrabbling at the walls unconsciously, unable to control zir limbs, until ze fell still and the thrum faded away, agonizingly slow. 

After that the rest had gone quick. Kyrex Who-Likes-Oceans and Yelna Who-Hops-About-Excitedly, both pilots, who had always swapped jokes and stories with Rocky before sleep cycle, Skrin Who-Writes-Bad-Poetry-On-Purpose, the one to suggest they all get their mission marks together, Tenar Who-Is-Always-Serious, another scientist who pretended not-to-be-amused all the time, they all fell ill, and Rocky helped Qualoran drag each of them into a room near the back, as close to xyr tiny little engine workshop as possible, so xe at least could watch them sleep.

Qualoran had never figured out why Rocky was not affected too. 

By the time they had reached Tau Ceti it was down to Rocky and Qualoran and old Ixtar, and not long after both of the older Eridians began to succumb to the sickness too.

Rocky can still hear the doctor’s voice in xis head, asking xim to watch over the others, and just the thought makes xim chitter quietly, remembering the long hours/days/weeks/years xe spent, waiting beside them, trilling every song xe could remember to try to ease their pain. 

Xe cannot help but think that it is not fair. The others should get to go home too. Old Ixtar had died shuddering, while Rocky laid close, telling xim stories about what they’d do when they got home. Xe had had hatchlings and grand-hatchlings, family who missed xim, and Rocky doesn’t know how xe is going to tell all their loved ones when the ship returns to Eridani that they won’t be coming home. 

It had been a very long time after the others had gone on to the Eternal Warm Plain that Rocky had huddled in xis tiny workshop, listening to the hum of the astrophage, trying to figure out what to do.

Xe was alone, and xe was so frightened, waiting and wondering when the terrible dissolving would start for xim too as the bodies of xis crew, of xis friends, cooled around xim.

Rocky could maybe pilot the ship on xis own, could get it pointed in the right direction and probably even work the ion drive to land, but what would be the point? 

That was the terrible part. Rocky was a Fixer-Of-Things, and xe was very good at xis job. Xe took great pride in being the Fixer-of-Things, in being able to make everything right again for xis crew when things were going wrong.

But xe did not know how to fix this. Xe did not even know what was wrong in the first place.

Xe was unable to fix any of it. 

Rocky was not a biologist. Xe did not know how the star was staying alive, did not know enough about living things to decipher the solution, did not even know where to start.

Xe spent hours/weeks/forever pouring over the scientist’s notes, trying to understand them, unsure of how to even begin. But xe could not go home. Could not let this mission fail. Could not let the others have died for no reason. 

They had all gotten their mission carvings together, and had spent a night dancing and singing to celebrate the grand new adventure they were about to embark on. Rocky thinks xe understands Grace’s inclination to leak a little when experiencing strong emotions now. 

Xe does not know how long xe spent in a drifting spaceship, scurrying around with hushed footsteps because it felt wrong to make noise, trying to fix systems that continued to break and wondering when xe would run out of food and starve, or when xe would give in and go back to Eridani, only to die with everyone else. 

Rocky was alone, and space was cold, and xe was so very scared, and xe missed Adrian. Xe did not know how long it had been when xe noticed the small ship appearing on the scanners. Eridani had been telling stories about aliens for years, about creatures from the stars who might seem very different but had lives just the same, but Rocky had always sort of considered that wishful thinking.

What were the chances?

But here was an impossibility staring xim in the face, and xe did the only thing xe could think of to do: xe said hello, and hoped they were kind. 

That was how xe met Friend-Grace. The alien is cold and strange and leaky and awkward and his ship is oddly shaped but he is wonderful, and he is intelligent, and he is funny, and he is exactly the kind of person Rocky needs to help xim find the answer and get home safely.

With Gracie, Rocky has a chance to get home, to finish the mission and return to Adrian in one piece. Xe even knows what killed the others now, because Grace has taught xim about Radiation. 

It is a scary word, and Rocky cannot sense it still, even knowing now what to look for, but Grace has taught xim about Radiation shielding and reassured xim that the Hail Mary is protected from this threat.

Rocky searches for Gracie’s heartbeat again, and finds xis friend curled up on the floor, leaning against the bed New-Human is asleep in, their hands still clasped tightly together. 

Rocky understands. Xe wants to feel the carapaces of xis crew around xim again. It makes sense that Grace would want the same. Xe is still scared, though.

Xe does not know what Radiation does to humans and cannot bear the thought of finding out. Gracie had explained that small doses of the poison were something a human could recover from, but where was the limit? When did the danger start? 

They were protected by their fluids, Rocky had learned, protected because water absorbed Radiation and helped it move out of the body. But metals, metals like mercury, carried and kept it far too easily.

Rocky paces back and forth across the floor of xis little structure, debating whether to risk rolling down the hall a bit to make sure Gracie is sleeping alright. Xe can watch from here but it is awkward. After the fishing incident xis joints are still stiff and sore, seizing up a bit if xe stays in one place for too long. 

It is infuriating and terrifying, to be stuck here and unable to do anything. Rocky chitters, annoyed, and smacks the wall of xis bubble. Xe does not know this New-Human, knows nothing more than his voice, but xe is scared that he will not wake up.

For all that xe can make and fix and do, Gracie is the only one who can physically help him, and xe cannot even help Grace unless he comes back to the cockpit. 

Rocky cannot bear it if New Human dies. It does not matter, that they have never met, that New Human is a stranger. Xe is terrified of seeing anyone else die like that. 

Xe stamps on the floor again, the fear attempting to immobilize xim. It is so easy to succumb to the poison in sleep, and Rocky cannot fix any of it.

Gracie had explained to xim some of what humans were like, and xe was astonished by some of the stories he told. Humans were apparently very sturdy, and they were very good at traveling space by now, having done it for five or six of their generations so far. 

But the thing that Rocky remembers, the thing that sticks with xim, is that humans are stubborn.

They will dig their heels in and refuse to back down, and this trait is so baked in that it extends to their healing.

Rocky cannot do anything to fix the situation, so xe has to wait and trust that New-Human is the stubborn kind. Xe has to stay here, and trust Gracie, trust that he can fix it, that he will be safe and smart and not die. He is getting sleep, at least. Hopefully he will not be stupid next cycle then. 

Rocky rubs xis forelegs together again, feeling the inlays and carvings, and tries to calm xemself with the thought that they are getting so close to finishing the mission.

They are so close to going home. Xe and Gracie will get to go home.

Xe settles onto the floor of the bubble, curling xis legs up under xim, and settles down to wait. 

Xe will wait, it’s all xe can do. Rocky will wait, and xe will listen, and xe will watch while the humans sleep.

Xe waits, listening to the sound of two rhythmic/beating/human hearts.

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