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You know when Bender became his oficial stalker? Maybe they slept on the same bed more than once. And Bender talks in his sleep.
And...Sunny lyre? Sounds kinda not good. But, well, I couldn't use goldy, I can only think of a fish with goldy. And Calculon needed to connect the specific dots. Sunny lyre is for Apollo, sunny for Calculon being yellow, perfect, high and mighty, etc. And lyre for the arts.
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How Futurama Characters Help You Get Through a Breakup
Started writing this for catharsis last month and now here it is 🥺 Sorry I’ve been really Futuramamaxxing rn, it’s been one of my comfort series during this really bad past few months. Anyhoo :) These can be mostly read as platonic, then the bold lines at the end are for if they’re also interested in you so you can have it as you like it ;)
Warnings: a few alcohol/substance references, minor suggestive remarking, very brief, non-detailed mention of possible abuse
Bender Bending Rodriguez
☆ That loser kicked you to the curb? Kill them! Wait, no, get drunk first, then kill them. Also pulls the old "men/women/humans are like buses, there's always another one around the corner" and waves a steel hand.
☆ If this flippant attitude doesn't exactly match what you're feeling, you may have to ask him if he's ever had a breakup he wasn't entirely happy with. Memories of the many partners he's had over the years flood Bender, forcing him to concede, a few sobs escaping his wobbling vocal unit.
☆ Between drinks, Bender gets a bit agitated, but also much more open. “Stupid…people, you know? Thinking they’re better than us and they can just throw us away like we’re obsolete! I’m perfect! I’m amazing! And so are you. Screw them, we’re gonna live forever, baby!” You honestly hadn’t realized the bending unit thought so highly of you. Your eyes water again, this time accompanied by a shaky smile and a little chuckle. “You know only you get to live forever, right, Bender?” “Doesn’t matter. I’ll get your name up there with mine one of these days and then they’ll all be sorry!”
☆ TP’s your ex’s house with you until you’re genuinely laughing. Bender at least is definitely beyond tipsy at this point and maybe trying to light the strands of paper dripping from their windows and spaceship on fire, doing that evil laugh you always found funny when it wasn’t directed at you.
☆ You may notice if your ex wasn't a robot how Bender is suddenly saying what better lovers bots make, how they can do so much more than any ol' wad of meat can. How great he is, too, which isn't a surprise, but he finds a way to work it in even more often than usual. The more he drinks, the more he touches you, starting with one cool metal hand on your knee but eventually moving it to sling around your shoulders.
Phillip J Fry
☆ Fry matches your energy, sighing in relief and admitting he never liked that person anyway if you express that you're glad their gone. If you're crying he's immediately at your side, an arm around your shoulders, telling you it'll be ok, even if it takes some time.
☆ Straight-up asks how he can make you feel better. His go-to is usually the classic ice cream, which he'll happily either take you out for or buy you a few gallons and slump on the couch with your favorite comfort content on. If you drink, he'll offer to help you drown your sorrows too, but won't push that too hard if you're not 100% down.
☆ Rather than wallow in the heartache, though, Fry's method is to distract you. Get you talking about a video game you both enjoyed or asking you about that thing he just knows will get you going on and on—anything that'll raise your spirits and help you remember you're ok even with that void.
☆ Even better is if he can challenge you to something, too, like a match of said game or a round of pool or air hockey if you do go to a bar, because what helps a person move forward better than a goal? And in Fry's mind there's no better goal than to have some fun with a friend!
☆ Fry doesn’t want to push you too fast, but he might just take one of your hands in both of his, telling you in a rare moment of seriousness that he wants to be there for you. He will be there for you. Always.
Turanga Leela
☆ Surprises you by crying when you do, a few tears slipping from her eye at your pain, one so old and familiar to her, too. She'll probably pull you into a hug or hold your hand when she finds out.
☆ If your ex sucked, though, like really sucked? If they hurt you, cheated, abused you in any way she will go kick their ass immediately. You may tell her not to, but one thing about Leela is she's stubborn! Even if she doesn't fully kick their ass, she's going to have a strong conversation with them and get at least one good punch in.
☆ Also down to match your energy if you need to just sit in silence or watch a fluffy movie that makes you happy with her by your side. Rants and raves with you about what a jerk they were if you’re still mad and even offers you items to safely break or punch. Dons her hottest look with you and hits the town if you just want to have some fun without the looming shadow of the one who hurt you.
☆ Either way, she’s glaring at anyone who looks like they want to invade your privacy, whether it’s someone looking at you with intentions you are not in the mood for or even just one of her coworkers with some advice or flippant comments Leela doesn’t think you’d appreciate right then.
☆ The last thing Leela wants to do is make you feel uncomfortable or like anyone is taking advantage of your state, herself included. She may simply drop the little hint that the next person you let give their heart to you will probably really mean it and she bets they’d fight any battle for you. Someday.
Amy Wong
☆ Step One: you’re getting a hug! A big one! Unless Amy knows you really don’t like them, then she won’t crowd or overstimulate you, instead just giving your arm a light squeeze.
☆ Step Two: revenge makeover! Or just girls’ day/fun night out makeover. Buuuuuuttttttt if your ex happens to be there and see the amazing dress/suit/super hot outfit she took you out shopping for on her parents’ dime it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, right?
☆ Honestly if the partner who dumped you was around, Amy would even offer to pretend to be your date or at least someone you met out who just gushes over you and clearly wants to hook up with you, I mean what kind of dumbass would let all this go, spleesh… or if you’re uncomfortable with that or not into ladies she’ll just laugh a lot and pull you onto the dance floor and get you letting loose so they see your big smile and know you weren’t defeated!
☆ Amy reminds you again and again as you're hanging out, not to an excess but just whenever she can work it in: you're so funny! She misses that smile of yours when it's not around. The others always mention how cool that one thing you did was. Little things that show that no matter what the person who left you made you feel like, you're a valued friend who's admired by so many people around you.
☆ In a moment of earnest, she might even take your hand, resting hers gently over it as she tells you how stupid they were. If she had someone as amazing and cute as you, she would never let go. In fact, she'd spoil them rotten and give them all the love they asked for!
Hermes Conrad
☆ He may start by citing statistics of how many failed relationships it takes to find your spouse, which, er…doesn’t help at first especially if your number is significantly smaller than that.
☆ When he sees tears tumbling onto your cheeks, your genuine worry that maybe you are hard to love that can creep in after someone dumps you, though, he changes gears completely. “Oh, there, there. We see statistical anomalies every day, and hey! Even a bureaucrat knows there’s no perfect algorithm for love. This bureaucrat also knows that you didn’t deserve half the treatment that lowlife gave you, so don’t go blaming yourself!” This statement is punctuated by a stern wagging of Hermes’s finger that has you cracking a tearful smile.
☆ Offers to take you out for drinks or even just a nice dinner or maybe a lil smoke if you're into that to take your mind off of things, inviting your favorite people if you have other really close friends and having them all share "facts" about you which are actually just things they love or that are loveable about you. Facts like that you have a wonderful smile, that you're so passionate about your favorite things, that you're amazing at your favorite hobby and everyone admires that!
☆ Hermes loves to dance and truly believes it’s like its own little form of therapy, so he’ll probably insist you join him in at least one dance. Whether it’s just a silly little one like a conga line or one little round of limbo or something more meaningful where you can be twirled around and feel a little special again, because someone will make you feel just that once more. Someday.
☆ There’s a chance while you’re sharing those steps that you could feel his hand, nice and warm against your own palm, tighten when it doesn’t have to to give you a reassuring, hopeful little squeeze.
John Zoidberg
☆ He assumes out loud that you don't want a hug, or at least not from him, but if you're receptive and you pull him in he gets the biggest smile, gently running the side of one smooth claw up and down your back. "There, there. Heartbreaks don't last, but friends are forever. ...Right?"
☆ Doesn’t mean to make it about him, but will try to relate to you by mentioning how many times he’s had his heart broken too. Over and over and over again… But he still finds joy every day in getting to see his friends!
☆ When he’s feeling down, spending time with someone he cares about always cheers him up so he’ll offer to be that person or if you’d rather try and organize a little gathering for you.
☆ The doctor turns your little party into a reverse roast where everyone finds a creative and humorous way to compliment you and the only negativity allowed is making fun of your ex. It's so silly and over-the-top but hey, it gets you laughing, especially when you learn your friends secretly didn't like your partner nearly as much as you thought! Maybe it wasn't such a loss after all...
☆ When all's said and done, Zoidberg might not leave your side all night save for when he gets on stage and delivers his little monologue, which is filled with the kindest, sweetest words about how big your heart is, how fascinating and captivating you are, and how seen you make everyone feel, himself included. It's only at the end that he gets a bit sheepish. "Oops, I forgot to make that funny," he says, and that little hint of embarrassment is the first time his eyes leave yours since he took his place up there.
Kif Kroker
☆ Another one to cry if he sees you crying, wasting no time pulling you into his arms or—if you prefer—lightly rubbing your back with a warm gloved hand.
☆ Kif is very emotional and empathetic, so even if he never met this person he'll be asking rhetorically how they could do something like that as you describe what happened.
☆ He asks you very honestly what you would do right now if you could. Would you go home and curl up in a blanket? Would you fly off to another corner of the world and pretend home isn't even on the map? Or even go to the very place you used to go with your partner to reclaim it? Say the word and Kif will get you there, no matter how close or how far.
☆ Once he brings you, he actually asks if you want him to stay or if you'd rather be alone. Incredulous as you are, you smile and shake your head fondly. Of course he can stay. Now's not the time to be completely alone, you tell him, and how could you ask him to leave after he's done something so nice to you? He was fine either way, but Kif would be lying if he said your words didn't have him beaming.
☆ While he wouldn't make you focus on it too much, Kif may just ask you what your ex did that you liked or what you wished they'd done and do just that, maybe one-up it. Any chance you might see that there's better people out there who would care forever if they had the chance.
Zapp Brannigan
☆ "Who would dump a babe like you?" He would say this platonically or otherwise, hell, he'd probably say it to his own sibling out of support since he's a very visually focused person. It's a high compliment all things considered.
☆ Like Bender, he'll likely whip out the old "Men/Women/People are like buses" spiel and say the best relief would be a rebound, trying to get you laid immediately.
☆ If you've been down in the dumps, still saddened by the loss of the relationship even if it was for the best, this may be the final straw before you're crying again and Zapp stiffens, unaware how serious this was. "Oh. You really had feelings for this person, didn't you? That makes what they did even worse. Come here. I happen to know a certain general who is very good at giving hugs. ...It's me, of course. Do you want a hug?"
☆ After this, he puts an arm around you, walking at your side. "I don't admit this to many people, but I've had my heart broken before, too. One of the best ways out of that spiral is to improve yourself and soon you'll be looking in the mirror wondering why you ever thought they deserved you. Just like me, you'll see what everyone with a brain sees and you'll only be accepting the best treatment in no time."
☆ If he drops any hints to you, they will not be subtle at all, no matter your state. "Why, someone like you deserves so much better than that asshole! That dork! A person of your caliber deserves greatness the quality of...even the Velour Fog himself!"
Calculon
☆ More than anything Calculon wants to hear every detail of your relationship. The drama! Things he could possibly use to inspire All My Circuits episodes...
☆ Taking both your hands in his smooth bronze mitts, your friend swears to you that he will avenge you. Not your life, sure, but your heart if you wish it. He may not be a fighter, but he will publicly humiliate your ex— if anyone can find dirt on them, it's him!
☆ That might get a laugh out of you. You may tell him it's not necessary, that what you really need right now is a good distraction, and that's all Calculon needs is to whisk you away! Literally. Your distraction is being scooped up in his strong metal arms as he rushes you off to one of his many luxurious destinations. "You choose," he tells you as you run off together, albeit inadvertently. He'll take you out on his yacht until you can't even see the land you were dumped in or maybe even just by the fireplace in his large Hollywood home, warm drinks in hand and fine blanket in lap.
☆ Relates your situation to films and shows he's been in as he explains the negative consequences that always befall people like, say, cheaters or emotional manipulators in such media. How often abusers are killed off, sometimes very poetically. Did you know he once played a hero who avenged his lover's honor when she was...
☆ You might feel a shifting beneath your shared blanket, more cool metal brushing your leg as Calculon scoots further and further along his long velvet couch, increasing your contact, however lingering it may end up being...
