In the past when I've used tumblr it was to get or give my love to someone about something or other. At no time have I pursued myself and knowing myself. It's so hard to take time and sit in the silence when you always push others to fill it for you. I feel so calm today, but also so unsettled. The truth is that I met someone I can never 'unmeet' and this scares me. I'm afraid my hunger for them one day will drive me to let myself starve on my hunger. I'm so at ease with them that I want to look at myself afterwards and say "Is this the best I can offer?" I'm not mad I didn't have this intensity for myself before , but I do have envy for the reaction they make in me. I find myself impatient to become who I want to be for my future. I DO hate this because I am healing from many things and everything I want would be stretching me too thin. I feel good as myself and talking to this person. Am I selfish for wanting to ask them out romantically? I want to and I think they do too. I don't want to push anything on them. I don't want to rush into what I'm not able to back up. I don't want to be boring or brutish. I feel crazy for wanting to hold their hand. Today we are just friends. I want to be my own friend in this situation. It's so hard to trust your instincts even when it feels good.. Especially when every time you have done so in the past you get told you are... Too Intense.. Too weird.. Too interactive.. Too Masculine.. Not Masculine Enough.. Too Feminine.. Not Feminine Enough.. I'm tired of fairy tale romances and riding through the fire and flames for a romance. I feel like noone ever chooses me through the fire and flames. I've dated so many people but noone has ever wanted to be with me if sex wasn't on the table. It's disappointing and saddening to feel that is all I could ever be. Not that sex doesn't appeal to me, oof. The opposite. I just despise feeling rushed into it in every relationship I've had. It always left me feeling used to the point that I questioned if my gender was right afterwards. I don't feel transgender but I do feel mistreated or not treated how I want to in my current gender. That said I feel everyone isn't treated properly by their gender. I take rejection hard and have tried to reframe myself countless times to recover from it. I've even gone so far as to claim I genuinely am that which I'm not to win approval. *sigh* My desire to win approval and this post is exhausting me. All this to say for the first time in a long long time I feel safe, but also in danger. They have such total power over me and for now they don't use it to tell me what to do. I'm unsure if I do or don't want them to. Goodnight to anyone who read this. Goodnight 'you'. Goodnight 'Me'.

GRAFA / I. GRAPHISCHE FACHAUSSTELLUNG. 1933.

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Commission of Burkhard, German superhero, © @eupraxsophy

FRANCE DEF.BURKHARD Shot 03/24/2011. FRENCH MILITARY SPOKESMAN, COLONEL THIERRY BURKHARD AT MINISTRY PRESSER ON LIBYA AND THE NO FLY ZONE pa video. To License This Clip, Click Here: