Pounding in his head. Like a sledgehammer against his temples. Pain across his skull, down his neck, stabbing through his eyeballs. Dull throbbing, with sharp spikes every now and then.
His whole back stiff. No position comfortable. Lying down almost worse. As soon as one part got comfortable, another started screaming.
“Hey.” Warm hand on his back, soft voice speaking.
A pill in his hand. Cool glass of water in front of him.
Oh. Right. He could just...do that now. Didn't have to ask a guard. Didn't have to wonder if anyone would take him seriously. Didn't have to sit and suffer in silence.
Bucky swallowed the pill. Let the cool water slip down his throat.
Warm hands began kneading his shoulders, gently working through the knot in his neck. Slowly, slowly, the medicine worked its magic. Slowly, slowly, Bucky relaxed again.
All of this was his for the asking. He'd grown so used to not being able to do anything about any of his pain. So used to just enduring, like always.
He didn't have to endure anymore. Bucky let his eyes slide closed and whispered, “Thank you.”
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I love Cinema Therapy. I love how they break down the psychological aspects of various movies, good and bad, and how they bring their expertise as a licensed therapist and professional filmmaker to discuss some of the best movies out there. I'm always excited to see what they have to say, and I was especially thrilled to see their latest video, ranking some of the best bromances in the MCU. I discovered them through their videos where they cried over the LotR bromances, so it sort of feels like coming full-circle ^_^
And of course I was pleased that Jono put Steve and Bucky's friendship at the top, because that's where they belong <3
The only thing that bugged me about what they had to say in this video was the implication that Steve and Bucky's friendship isn't entirely healthy. Obviously they can't get into all the little nuances of this relationship that spans several movies in their little five-minute spiel about it, and of course they're entitled to their own opinions, but their opinion is wrong I think they're misunderstanding a thing or two. And I wanna talk about it.
(If you don't want to read my rambling, just watch the video and support their channel, 'cause it's great!)
I agree whole-heartedly with everything they had to say, except for a couple things in this bit here (25:52-26:30).
Jono: "Tony is not willing to see Bucky. Once he learns it's the Winter Soldier, it's just the Winter Soldier. And Steve is the opposite, where he barely is acknowledging that the Winter Soldier is in there. He's like, 'This is Bucky. We're gonna get him out.' And Steve endangers people, including himself and his other friends, and also lets his friendships--with Tony, his friendship with Tony sours, because of his loyalty to Bucky. And he's been criticized for that, there are different ways he could have done that, that wouldn't have had the outcome that they had, and that's true. So maybe I shouldn't have put this at number 1, but for sheer love and loyalty..."
Alan: "This is hard to beat."
It's been almost seven years, and people are still watching Civil War and thinking the only reason Steve and Tony are fighting is because of Bucky. That the reason Steve's relationship with Tony soured is because he's blindly loyal to Bucky, that Steve should have done something differently.
Now, if you're just talking about the final fight in Siberia, I guess this holds a little more water. Tony doesn't see Bucky, a brainwashed victim; he sees the Winter Soldier, the murderer of his parents, and he's fighting to get revenge. Steve sees Bucky, his best friend, and is fighting to keep Tony from killing him.
But the implication in the video, particularly because of the clips used (which, granted, could be entirely chosen by the editor and not what the guys were thinking of when they were talking about it), is that the conflict of the entire movie hinges upon Steve and Tony's different views of Bucky. They seem to be saying that the only reason Steve and Tony are at odds is because Bucky is on the run from the law, and Tony wants to take him in while Steve refuses because his loyalty is to Bucky first.
That's a really common takeaway from the movie, but it's...so incomplete. Steve and Tony were already on opposing sides long before Bucky came on the scene. The conflict between them in this movie begins with the different positions they take concerning the Sokovia Accords. Even if Zemo hadn't done a single thing, they would eventually have found themselves on opposing sides of a fight, because Tony signed the Accords and Steve didn't. As soon as an Avengers-level threat cropped up, Steve wouldn't be able to just sit there twiddling his thumbs, especially if there was a delay while the committee decided what to do. Steve would be in the thick of things, trying to save people, and sooner or later he would run afoul of the Accords (because they're stupid and violate a whole slew of human rights, but that's a rant for another time), and then Tony would be forced to fight him, because he signed them.
(Aside: People seem to take Tony's line "Your judgment is askew" as indisputable fact. I wish they would do the same for Steve's line in the same scene: "You [tore the Avengers apart] when you signed.")
The bottom line is, though Steve and Tony's relationship was certainly damaged by how things went down in Siberia, which is centered around Bucky, they were always on very rocky footing and they were already at the point of shouting at each other over their disagreements about the Sokovia Accords. Their relationship does not sour just because of Steve's loyalty to Bucky. That would have happened with or without him in the mix.
And...can I just say? I've heard a lot of people criticize Steve for the way he handled things in CW, like he's the one bearing all or most of the blame for the Avengers falling apart. But what else was he supposed to do? Blindly sign the Accords even though it would have meant violating the rights of every enhanced individual on the planet? Just sit on his hands and watch while Bucky is shot on sight for a crime he never committed? Let Team Iron Man take him in and stop him from going after Zemo (who, to his knowledge at the time, was planning to wake up the other Winter Soldiers that no one else knew existed)? Steve could not in good conscience do any of those things.
The Cinema Therapy guys, and a lot of other people I've heard over the years, seem to think that Steve fighting friends and people who might otherwise be allies in order to save Bucky from being outright killed for crimes he was not guilty of...is a sign of an unhealthy friendship. That going after Bucky and insisting that his friend is still in there, that Bucky and the Winter Soldier are not one and the same, that he is going to try to get him back even if it means putting his own life on the line, when he has reason to believe it's possible and is proven right...is Steve being blind to reality.
Is it unhealthy to love someone so much you would die to save them? Is it unhealthy to believe that they can be saved even when everyone tells you it's impossible? Is it unhealthy to devote entire years of your life to finding your friend and making sure they're all right? Is it unhealthy to pick the friend who has been there for you your whole life, over the career/legacy/duty you've built up over the past several years (or over the "friend" who just tried to kill him)? Is it unhealthy to defy the whole world to defend your brother who has been cruelly victimized, and know that he would do the same for you if your positions were reversed?
If Steve and Bucky's friendship is unhealthy, I wish all of my friendships could be as unhealthy as theirs.
thinking about Steve somehow finding out about bucky's "if he was wrong about you then maybe he was wrong about me" line and sitting him down to say something like "maybe i was wrong. so what? the problem you have with what i think of you has nothing to do with what I've said and everything to do with how often you find any contradiction with who you think you are. don't get stuck here. you know it's not that simple. don't put me on any pedestal to judge your worth by. let us both be human, please buck."
headcanons: matthew (as in matthew murdock, but you don't have to do his last name. :P)
M - What is their favorite dessert? Cheesecake. The real stuff. By-product of living in NYC. They couldn’t have it often, but when they did, hot dANG.
A - What are/were this character’s best subjects in school? American History.
T - Where are they ticklish? His neck and under his arms. Fairly easy to keep them away from touching distance in his normal life, since he uses a cane. Every once in a while, though, someone hauls him backwards under the arms and he just goes rigid.
T - already used (they should really have two of every letter.)
H: What is their deadly sin? His ironic tendency towards a God complex. Sometimes he forgets that even though he has abilities, he’s still human and it’s not necessarily his responsibility to fix everything for everyone.
E - How are they with children? Great. Loves kids, kids love him. Growing up in an orphanage as an only child, he took a liking to babies, who didn’t treat him differently because he was blind. The sisters enjoyed him babysitting because it eased their workload a little bit, and he enjoyed it because the babies were sweet and he could make them happy by just being there.
W - Can they dance? …Sort of. He never really officially learned beside a bit of clogging as a very young boy, and of course being unable to see makes it a little harder, but if he has to he can hold his own.
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Most of the things Steve had missed about Bucky were the big things. Not being able to see his best friend or talk to him except for a single hour every other day. Knowing he always ran the risk of getting into a fight every day he spent around other inmates. Worrying over his mental state while he was in isolation.
But after Bucky came home, Steve realized that in some ways, what he'd missed most were all the little things he hadn't really thought about. The sound of Bucky's deep breathing when he was fast asleep. The smell of his shampoo and aftershave that lingered in the bathroom after his shower. The sound of his laughter from the other room, accompanied by Jake's happy giggles. The chair at the table that was no longer empty.
There were other things he hadn't realized he'd missed once Bucky got a replacement for his metal arm. Things he hadn't been able to do with just one arm. Like the hugs Steve had grown to love back when he knew him only as Winter—one side warm and strong, the other cold and unyielding. Or all the little things Bucky was finally able to do for himself again without any trouble or outside help, like pulling his hair back into a ponytail or buttoning his shirt. He hadn't minded helping Bucky out when he needed it; on the contrary, he loved being able to finally take care of him again. But it was good for both of them to see him becoming more and more self-sufficient.
Then there were the things they could do together again. Bucky's missing arm hadn't really gotten in the way of most of the things they did together; Steve could pick up whatever slack resulted from Bucky being down to one arm. But there were a few things Bucky just hadn't been able to participate in with just one hand.
Like washing the dishes. With only one hand, it was a lot more complicated to scrub pots or dry glasses, so most of the time his job was just to gather up the dirty dishes and then wipe down the table and counters, and Steve and Jake would handle the rest. Sometimes Bucky would help put the dishes away after Jake had dried them.
But once he had two hands again, Bucky could pitch in like he'd done before. In fact, that had been one of the activities the physical therapist had recommended to help him acclimate to the metal arm again, after going without for over a year. So once more, they could stand side-by-side at the sink, one of them washing and the other drying, just like old times.
Sometimes, when they had Sam over, Steve got a sudden rush of deja vu for the days in the cabin. Bucky moved with the same care, making sure his metal fingers didn't scratch the dishes or crush fragile glasses. Sam still teased him and splashed him with soapy water. The only difference was Jake piping up with questions and comments, or climbing on top of the counter to put mugs away and then crowing that he was taller than all of them.
Over the years, Steve had learned not to take moments like these for granted. He treasured every single one.
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Bucky struggles against a dark temptation.
Slowly, the Soldier sinks to his knees at the edge of the dark water. He stares at that red glimmer. No matter what he does, no matter where he goes, that red glow will follow him. Even if he turns his head or closes his eyes, there it is behind his eyelids.
Beckoning. Coaxing. Reassuring.
Come into the water, it seems to say. You've been here before. You know what to expect. This is where you belong. You know it is.
The Soldier reaches out his hands towards that red glow, as if to a campfire on a cold night. But there is no warmth, just the red stain that seeps up his fingers, to his wrists, up his arms.
The vast expanse of the night sky stretched above them, stars twinkling gently against the pitch-black sky. There was no moon, though Steve couldn't remember if that was because it was a new moon or just that it hadn't risen yet. Or maybe it had already gone down.
You couldn't see the stars in the city. Maybe the North Star and a satellite masquerading as one, but not much more. It was easy to forget that the night sky was actually crowded with thousands of lights, though all so far away they were mere pinpricks.
“We both got stars,” Bucky mumbled into his shoulder.
Steve looked down at Bucky, slumped against his side and wrapped tightly in his blanket against the night's chill. He'd assumed Bucky had fallen asleep ages ago, when their already sporadic conversation had died out completely. But Bucky's eyes were open, though sagging sleepily. Steve almost thought he could see the stars reflected in them.
“Hmm?”
“Your shield,” Bucky mumbled, pulling the blanket up over his nose. “Uniform. And my shoulder.”
“Mmm.” Steve pulled him a little closer, feeling the press of Bucky's metal arm against his side, warmed by their combined body heat. “Not anymore, though.”
All of the Captain America uniforms and the shield were probably in some government bunker or something now, held under even tighter security after the whole Zemo fiasco. And Steve wasn't sure what had happened to Bucky's old arm. Good riddance to that, at least.
Metal fingers curled around his, moving slowly and gingerly, as if he was afraid of crushing Steve's hand. He was still getting used to the new arm, relearning his own strength. Steve wondered what that process had been like under Hydra...but he supposed he probably didn't want to know.
Steve clasped Bucky's hand firmly, pulling it out from under the blanket to look at it. Even in the dark of the night, the metal gleamed as it shifted. Steve ran his thumb over the ring Bucky wore on his forefinger. At last, he could wear it in its proper place again.
“They say...'f you know...right stars...lead you home.”
Bucky's weight settled even more against Steve's side, and his breathing deepened. Steve tucked the blanket closer around him and rested his cheek softly against the top of Bucky's head. His heart was as full as the night sky.
