#broken routine

I’ve been crying and having meltdowns all fucking afternoon. Not having a timeframe for anything does not compute. I am in consolable. I feel lost. I have zero idea of what to expect when. Nothing makes sense. 

For real

Every 3 mins I’m having a meltdown

And I can’t do anything

Im froze

I’m tired of this

Had the good ol’ 6 month check-up at the dentist today and it seems like I just can’t win. I was hoping that my previous dentist didn’t want to stay where he was and moved back, but that was wishful thinking. So, I’m seeing this new guy and I just don’t understand why dentists feel the need to lecture you each and every time about plaque and what it does to your teeth. It’s the same lecture, too. 

I get it, you have a job to do, but I’m not a child. I’m 32 years old and I brush and floss my teeth. My hygienist is nice, very nice, and she doesn’t talk to me this way. Nor did my last dentist (the one who moved away). Apparently, this is a common thing in the dental practice, as I’ve been reading up, and I know my teeth are not great. I get it, they have issues now. 

Let me break it down. I went to the dentist for the first time in my late teens. My teeth were decent, no cavities, no issues, no softness. They had tartar, but not terrible. My insurance goes out, so I can’t go back but then a year later, after that cleaning, I get my very first cavity. I have to go and get it filled and pay that out of pocket. 

Now, down the road, I get married and a bit after start having teeth trouble again. I go to the dentist for the first time in a while and my teeth are not great. I’ve still kept up with my hygiene but it’s for naught. The first dentist I see is very, very condescending to me. Talking to me like I’m a child, and after I get work done with him it feels like my face has been in a boxing match. He doesn’t work with me, keeps telling me that I need to stay one way and just pushes his tools in my mouth. It’s not fun and I’m trying to work with him and be comfortable, but he’s not really working with me. Even at one point putting a foam block in my mouth to keep it open and I had to spit it out because it was hurting my jaw. 

At one point it even felt like I was about to swallow my damn tongue! I mean, seriously!

Well, after those rounds of fillings, (none of which he really explained anything to me about), I stopped seeing him and wanted a better opinion. In comes my next dentist (the one I really, really liked who moved) and he’s very nice. I immediately felt calmer. He explained stuff, he talked to me like I was a person instead of a mouth. Didn’t lecture me, just said how there were a few watchpoints and how I might need to take a little extra care flossing. But he didn’t treat me bad. He didn’t push his tools in, he worked with me and made sure I was comfortable. Didn’t shove blocks in my mouth or stuff it with things that wouldn’t fit. It was the first time I didn’t feel anxious about the dentist.

Now, this new guy just basically did the ick dentist thing. He looked at my teeth and then scraped them a bit (I hadn’t had my cleaning yet, my husband was first since we go together) and wiped the plaque on his glove. He talked with the hygienist and then started talking to me about what was needed. I need at least two more fillings, a crown, and a pull. My chart has got fillings on it and he just showed me the glove and is like, “This is plaque and you need to get it off your teeth or you’re going to keep needing fillings. We don’t want to see a chart like this, we want to see all white, not blue,” (which is the charting color for fillings).

Immediately after he left I felt like, “Wow, really? I come in here already anxious enough and you make it worse.” I mean, seriously, why would you talk to me like that? I get it, my teeth are not great, but I know about plaque, I know what it does. Just tell me that some teeth need extra care and be done with it. Don’t tell me my chart shouldn’t look like it does. I know, but I’m going now so that’s what matters.

The hygienist was really kind and said I was showing improvement and that it didn’t take her as much time or scraping to clean my teeth and that she was happy with my progress. My teeth definitely looked better than when I first came in and she liked how it was going. 

Now everybody in the house is pissed at me for having a giant screaming meltdown for almost 30 minutes.

I’m cramping. I’m throwing up because of the cramps. I’m having meltdowns from the cramps. I’m having meltdowns from finding out about “one more thing” after I get calm, so I blow up again. It’s endless. I feel like shit. My brain cannot handle all this or even compartmentalize it into “this is happening later, not right this minute.”

It feels like having shit piled onto me after I just finished digging out of another pile of shit.