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If you're trying to get pregnant, don't watch YouTube videos of people finding out they're pregnant, especially directly after an injection of fertility drugs...

Just finished up my first injection for this cycle. 150 units (mLs?) of Bravelle in my right leg. I have tried the stomach shots and just can't...stomach it (sorry), so I just alternate legs night after night. I go back to the clinic Tuesday morning to see how things are progressing. Hoping and praying for some follicle growth!

Today is my birthday. I ended that sentence with a period because twenty-seven is difficult for me. I don't really notice the passage of time each year. It just creeps up on me at a certain point and punches me in the kidney. This is one of those years. The plans we have for our lives are always a little silly and erroneous. The amount of control we'd like to believe we have is nowhere close to the reality. For a very long time, I had it in, my head that I would be married by 22 and a mother by 24. I was off the mark on marriage by four years and obviously not producing offspring yet. I talked to the clinic late last week to see what their plans were for the next cycle (which due to work schedule will have to wait until at least late March or early April). The nurse said they would use the Letrozole and Bravelle combo again, this time starting me at a strength of two vials of Bravelle per night and increasing (!) from there. Assuming I'm only on Bravelle for eight days, the cost of that part alone will be $1200. I constantly feel like I'm racing to meet some unattainable deadline when it comes to having children. Probably not the best attitude to have, but it's ever-present. Someday it will all be so worth it!

Like a failing TV show, I have been cancelled. Rather, my cycle has. The nurse called in the late afternoon on the 11th of this month to tell me that the growth was not what they were hoping for, and gave me two options. Either ramp up the dose again to 1.5x normal for four days with another ultrasound and blood work or stop everything for this month, call it a lesson learned, and try again on the next cycle with higher doses to begin with on the same mixture of drugs (Provera, Letrozole, and Bravelle). I went back and forth with her, not expecting to have to make this decision in a noisy stairwell on the campus where I work and with some help from her during our discussion chose to cancel for now and try again. I asked what the plan would be next cycle, and she said much the same, but as far as the specific doses were concerned, it would be up to the doctor to determine at that time. I ended the phone call and was suddenly awash with some invisible, heavy, gray sadness. Some small corner of my mind was expecting it, but I had tried so hard, willing my follicles to grow, that it seemed like a monumental loss. It was the one time I have been grateful to drive home alone rather than with a co-worker who regularly makes up one half of my carpool. I sat in silence most of the way home allowing myself to get lost in the depths of my brain. That night was especially difficult emotionally, as were the next couple of days. My darling SO held me that night and let me cry. I’m still not entirely sure what was going through his head, but his presence was a great help in and of itself. Now I wait until Halloween to call the doctor, order blood work, receive the results, and begin again. In the meantime, I intend to call the nurse and get a full idea of what they plan to do with me during this next cycle. If we are again unsuccessful, I will most likely wait until next year to begin again after that. For several reasons, money is getting thin, and I want to wait as long as possible before I have to borrow against the equity I have in my car. Thanks to everyone who is praying, hoping, and wishing right along with me!

Just as a point of interest, the grand total of today's shenanigans was $560.78 (ultrasound, blood work, and three doses of Bravelle including shipping). Having some, any, amount of insurance coverage would be such a blessing, but I realize I am lucky to be in a place where I can afford to pay for these things completely out of pocket as is necessary due to my lack of insurance coverage.