#brain fails

Funny ADHD story

Last week, I made the mistake of volunteering for a sleep study at my old college. They pay well, I wanted to help, and maybe I’d learn something about my sleep.

I got an email a few days ago saying "here are some times you could come in," none of which are possible, and forgot to follow up.

I got another email from their lab this morning. Haven't even opened it yet, but as soon as I saw it I started panicking. OMG SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME AND I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHAT IF I FAIL OH NO. 

(My hell brain believes that Making Other People Happy is safety).

Knowledge of that email has been hanging over my head distracting me and filling me with That Feeling of Foreboding ever since. Which is inconvenient, as I have an Important Errand to prepare for this morning.

I'm reminding my hell brain that 

a) I signed up for this; I don't *have* to do anything, 

b) an email is not inherently dangerous, 

c) whether I succeed or fail, having someone else expect something from me isn't going to kill me.

My hell brain, unimpressed, continues flooding my body with anxiety.

The Pattern of Demand Avoidance

I’m reminded of that awful term “pathological demand avoidance” (seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to use a term that abbreviates to PDA?). It was coined to describe people, especially kids, who continually refuse to do things that others expect from them. For years, the only time I came across the term was in reference to “misbehaving” kids. The label sounds willfully defiant, and is inherently pejorative (I mean, it has the word “pathological” in it). 

Unfortunately, it also fits my situation surprisingly well. I’m terrified of anyone wanting anything from me, even just answering an email. 

I put off answering emails for exactly this reason, then feel guilty for being late to reply, and the cycle continues, potentially ad infinitum/until it’s been so long that it feels too late to reply, and I eventually let myself forget about it and let it go, in favor of worrying about new emails.

It’s not just emails, though; those are just an example of how innocuous my panic triggers can be.

Right now, I procrastinate on all manner of tasks related to getting involved in activities, making friends, and dating. I literally avoid reaching out to people I want to interact with, because What If They Expect Me to Contact Them Back (And Know What to Say, And Have It Not be Awkward) In a Reasonable Amount of Time.

I spend far more time procrastinating on such tasks than it would take to actually do them. 

Don’t even get me started on the yearly months-long mental tug of war over thank you notes that I went through as a teenager. Or the time I almost didn’t graduate high school because I was stuck on some paperwork and procrastinated down to the wire.

Freaking out over an email about something I literally volunteered to do, however, is a new low.

It’s no surprise that I have so little faith in myself right now. I’ve hit the wall three times now, with real consequences for my life. What if it happens again? 

I don’t trust my brain enough to want to commit to anything. What if I do it wrong? What if I do it late? What if I don’t do it at all?

And it’s become such a habit that I am avoiding doing something I literally cannot fail, except by avoiding it. Sigh.

Reexamining My Procrastination

As someone on Tumblr put it, people with ADHD go through a mental tug of war. One part of you insists “Do the thing” while another, usually stronger, part protests, “No.” Not surprisingly, it makes it hard to get started on things. If you can break through that tug of war, you’re exhausted before you even start.

I’m now considering the possibility that this deep fear of failing is probably a reason for it.

I’ve often wondered why I procrastinate so much on trivial things whose negative sensory properties I can ameliorate (like doing the dishes). The habit of fear and avoidance is probably part of it.

But also, I might just be afraid of failing myself. After all, other people aren’t the only ones who have expectations. 

TL;DR

If you see someone of any age avoiding everything others want them to do, however innocuous, consider that it may not be defiance. They might just be terrified.

I recently received an email from a client who wants to buy an article from me, asking for a W9 tax form. That’s a tax form freelancers use in the United States.

Some necessary background to understand the brain fart I committed next:

The United States has a much more common tax form, the W2, which employers fill out for their employees.

This was my first freelance writing assignment. (Go me).

I have filled out many W2 forms in my time, but had never seen or heard about W9 forms.

So, I misread the email. I genuinely believed she was asking for a W2, and then got very confused about why she would want that particular form.

Fortunately, someone else pointed out the mistake before I asked her stupid questions or filled out the wrong form. So, no harm done.

But I wasted time and energy on a problem that my brain literally created for itself.

I make these kinds of errors frequently, especially when people are giving me instructions out loud, or when I’m very tired. In real life, I can rarely tell whether I misunderstand what people are asking me to do, or whether I misremember later. I am very anxious about both possibilities and take lots of precautions, including recording important meetings and taking copious notes.

This was an unusually clear example of what causes an ADHD brain fart.

And it was completely, frustratingly pointless.

How much time and energy do I waste making mistakes like this? How much do I confuse other people when I try to solve problems that only exist in my head? How much time and energy do I waste trying to prevent myself from making these sorts of brain farts?

ADHD sucks.

A Series of Unfortunate Mistakes

And it’s worse because they’re all good labs, they’ll almost certainly lead me in different but also good and interesting directions and they’re all lovely people, none of them is going to hate me for this, I might end up collaborating with some or all of them and so this anxiety is largely without logic.

And while they will all lead me in different directions, I know that the biggest determinant of my future will be the work that I do in the lab, not the lab itself. As such choosing the lab which will nurture me best and whose project I will be interested in is the most important thing (and surely something I can be a good judge of), not vague ideas about how good the lab is on its own.

Me: *gradually realizes that there was zero reason to open the fridge and that I have no actions to complete*