#demand avoidance

for nd and demand avoidance havers, setting goals like we're supposed to (according to NT ppl at least!!!) can lead to an immediate and intense avoidance of that very thing we are wanting to do

this happens for me ALLL the time. i set a goal like " i want to read every day for 10 minutes before bed" and thats great until about 10 minutes before bed happens and i go "fuck That? past me isnt here & im the boss now. & i dont feel like fucking reading"

the substack was not the most intuitive read bc i think they framed the idea of anti-goals as a "negative" goal

like instead of "i will brush my teeth" it becomes "i cant leave the bathroom in the morning until my teeth are brushed"

and at first i was like Ok maybe??? maybe that could work?

but its just a different kind of demand? and i know in the moment i would just go who says i can't leave this room rn? no one can stop me? and leave anyway

and i was also having difficultly framing anti goals in ways that i couldnt interpret harmfully ??? like

"i won't stress myself out" becomes feeling guilty for being stressed anyway

but i've been chewing on this concept and. i think a key aspect of anti-goal making is your personal values???? like through the wording of the anti goal itself your future & present self is active in the scenario

so instead of "i can't leave the house until i'm dressed" it becomes "i refuse to feel uncomfortable with how i look"

Me when I'm asked to do something but uhhh.

Demand avoidance is a pain.

Also new meme template imo! Go read The Property of Hate by @modmad

Blank one under the cut:

Read on AO3 here

Fandom: Starfleet Academy Characters: Caleb Mir, Jett Reno, Anisha Mir (gen)

Summary: Some broken things can't be fixed; Caleb is pretty sure he's one of them. Jett Reno doesn't give up on lost causes. And she's got a shuttle that needs work.

Tags: Engineering, light angst (balanced with Jett Reno's considerable snark), demand avoidant Caleb Mir, self-doubt, anger, Jett Reno is surrounded by cadets with issues and she is very tired (but she cares), neurodivergent headcanons

#3 in the series 'There's Only One Me'

Snippet:

Caleb heads out in the general direction of Jay-Den’s room. And walks, almost literally, into Jett Reno. 

She’s leaning against the wall outside his door. Arms folded.

The urge to run flickers and dies. He’s just tired of it all, today — the exercises and the orders and the fucking up. “You already gave me the whole dressing-down thing, Commander. Back for more?” He doesn’t bother looking at her. “I get it. I fu— screwed up.”

“Correct. And if you keep talking in that defeated voice and thinking that a screw-up is all you are, that’s never changing.” She starts walking. “With me, Mir.” 

He’s almost surprised when his feet carry him after her. “I thought we already did the debrief.”