#bpd representation

Sevika (she/her) is the head of a construction company, worked her way up the latter into the current position she has. Had a bad workplace accident and has a prosthetic leg, her left, from the knee down.

Vanda (he/him) deals with international trade for a small company. He's successful in his field. Has a thick accent and loves the sea. Used to spend months on transportation boats as crew.

Jackal (she/her). Works part time in a cafe and as a performer in small lesbian/queer clubs with her band. She's main vocalist but is a talented drummer. Grew up in the Church but fell out of religion when she came out to her parents and had to leave due to her own safety. Has slowly found herself.

Jackal hadn’t expected the conversation. For Vanda and Sevika to sit her down, each kissing her cheek before they had started talking.

She had just woken up from a nap. Her curls were half crushed and frizzy. Her body clad in one of Vanda’s boxers and a wife pleaser stolen from Sevika. Both items were large on her. The boxers were rolled up so they wouldn’t slip. The pleaser barely covered the sides of her breasts, causing them to spill over if she slept in the shirt — or did anything in it, really.

“You’re already mine, kid,” Sevika grumbles, body sank back into Jackal’s couch, arm lazily over the back of it. “Half, at least,” she adds while glancing sideways at Vanda.

The butch beside her chuckled and threw Sevika a sideways, playful glare, before leaning his elbows on his knees. His hand clasped together between his thighs. “That’s what we wanted t’talk to ya ’bout, lass.”

“About?” Jackal frowns, legs crossed beneath her as she tilts her head in question. Her eyes are still sleepy, but her mind is slowly waking up.

“What ya’d like from this,” Vanda continues, a smile adorning his face. Jackal can see the peak of the grills on his canines, a brilliant gold, winking back at her as he did. It made her heart lurch into her throat.

“I don’t…understand,” Jackal’s mind races and she sits a little straighter. “I want to be with you both,” She glances at Sevika, who smirks charmingly at her. It eases the tension coiling in her stomach a fraction.

“Y’know I like ya,” Vanda’s smile gets brighter and Jackal’s shoulder relax at the look in his eyes. Sevika squirms beside him, never wanting to admit to him just how much that devilishly charming smile affects her, too. “Maybe this one, too,” Vanda mumbles and nods over to Sevika.

“Course ya are,” Sevika chimes, licking her lips. A knowing smirk on dark, pouty lips.

Jackal giggles softly at the comment. They have both been too proud to admit proper feelings for each other, but had no problem sleeping with each other. Jackal had walked in on them a few times, as well as the aftermath of them cuddling after.

It was always adorable to witness. She had been so happy to know that her partners were getting along so well. Even if they both, mostly Sevika, had continued to deny any attraction. Even as she had grumbled this while pressing her cheek into the top of Vanda’s head where the butch laid on her chest.

Jackal had let it go, just giggled and kissed Vanda’s forehead while he slept, before kissing Sevika softly on the lips. Before curling into the woman’s free side and falling asleep alongside them.

“I know you do,” Jackal nodded at Vanda. “Is everything alright?”

“They’re fine, lass, yes,” Vanda sighs and Jackal frowns.

“Fine? A-Are you sure?”

Sevika straightened, nudging Vanda’s thigh with her own for him to continue. His tone might have made Jackal anxious and she’d be damned if the girl spirals over nothing. “Everythin’s alright,” Sevika assures in a safe tone, one that has Jackal’s mind easing up.

“Okay,” Jackal breathes deeply and sighs out, gnawing at her lower lip. “Sorry.”

“Y’ don’t hav’t’ apologize, lass,” Vanda licks his lips. “And I meant, what ya’d like from this arrangement. If ya still want to see more people?”

Jackal’s heart had lurched into her throat before she could stop it. Her chest felt empty, like it was sinking inwards. She knows she’s being unreasonable, that Sevika and her had been together before they decided to fool with Vanda for a night.

That night turned into two, then three. Then dates.

Everything had been okay’d by Sevika. Jackal had never really done this before, but Sevika had experience and spoke to her about being polyamorous. Jackal had never had such intense feelings for more than one person before, so she was still learning the ropes of this.

She loved knowing the two were hitting it off too, in their own way. And the thought of all of them being together brought a sense of completeness into her life that she couldn’t quite explain. She hadn’t thought of more than this, of them both having more relationships besides each other and her.

“I-I…Is that…what you want to do?” Jackal’s voice was soft due to how tight her throat was. She was trying to keep her voice from shaking.

“I —”

Sevika cut in. “No, that’s not ’n answer,” her eyes narrowed on Jackal’s chest, seeing the quickening rising and falling. Then the girl’s hands were they were gripping each other, digigng her nails into her own flesh. “ ’s not about pleasin’ us. What d’you want?”

Jackal swallows and dropped her gaze. She knew Sevika would pick up on it. She had known the woman the longest out of the two of them. “Whatever you guys want.”

“Lass,” It was Vanda’s voice. Soft and gentle. It made her eyes burn with tears. “We need t’know what yer thinkin’.”

“I-I’m sorry,” She whispers, tears spilling down her cheeks and crashing onto her hands. Vanda went to stand but Sevika’s hand on his wrist prevented it. He went to glare at the woman but she was already looking at him and shook her head.

Give ’er a second, Sevika’s gaze said.

“Why’re ya ’pologizin’, kid?” Sevika asks.

“Because I-I don’t…” A hiccup interrupts her and her cheeks burn in embarrassment. “…I don’t w-want to include anyone else a-and I know that’s selfish given how I met you, Vanda. I’m really sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted and you wanted me to be more open…Y-You..You can…” She looks up at them, tears dripping from her chin and hazel eyes lighter under the sheen of tears. “…You can date i-if you want, other people. It shouldn’t matter what I think, really. I’ll be fine, I promise,” She harshly wipes at her cheeks, sniffling loudly. “You don’t need permission, we’re all adults here. I-I shouldn’t be so sensitive about having to share you two like I want to be. It’s not my decision to make —”

Sevika couldn’t take it. She grumbled and let Vanda go as both stood up. Sevika’s heart ached as Jackal flinched and hung her head, her fingers trembling on her lap where they lay limp.

Vanda got on his knees in front of the girl and took her hands to kiss her knuckles, squeezing her fingers. Sevika sits on the chair’s armrest, fingers squeezing the base of Jackal’s neck.

“Breathe, pup,” Her voice is commanding. Jackal’s fog clears a little under it, as she whimpers and gives in to the touch on her neck.

“Ya’re safe,” Vanda assures, turning Jackal’s hands to kiss her fingers, up her palm and finish with a kiss to her wrists. “ ’f ya just want us, ’m more than happy to be.”

“So ’m I,” Sevika says sternly, kissing the top of Jackal’s head.

“But that’s not w-what you two want. I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I-I know what answer you were probably lookin’ for, right? I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry,” Jackal babbles to herself, fingers twitching under Vanda’s soft touch.

That’s how it would go, wasn’t it? If she didn’t do what they really wanted, it would be a mark against her. Something that she will be unable to get rid of unless she does as they’d wish. She’d lose them both otherwise, and that just makes a deeper fear settle into her bones.

They’d abandon her. She’d be alone again, but worse. There would be an empty slot in her heart that only both of them could fill. Nothing else would, she was certain of that. All because she simply couldn’t do what they wanted.

She’s so weak.

A choked sob slip past her lips and she twists her hands in Vanda’s grip to wrap her fingers around his wrists. She’s still trembling, trying to hold back causing him any injury by digging her nails into his strong, soft wrists.

“Jesus, lass, yer freezin’,” Vanda’s voice is twinged with worry. This change was sudden, not the typical cold from the weather dropping. Her hands felt sticky with her state; cold sweats? He looked up at Sevika with soft eyes, pleading her to do something.

Sevika grunts and tightens her fingers around Jackal’s neck, pulling the younger’s side into her chest. “Pup, we’re not goin’ nowhere,” She assures, lips brushing Jackal’s temple, feeling the girl press her face into her mouth while trying desperately to fill her lungs with air.

“Course not, yer stuck with us,” Vanda assures, leaning up to kiss her chin, frowning at the taste of salt from her tears. “ ’m happy right ’ere.”

“So am I —”

“But you didn’t w-want that answer,” Jackal keeps repeating. Her mind has been made up, the panic has slipped in and their words weren’t fully registering. They are simply saying what she wants to hear, not what they mean. “I-I’m sorry I can’t do that for you but we can try if you want to. I-I mean it, it’s okay, really, I’m —”

“Enough,” Sevika cut in, voice low and growling. “Why would we do anythin’ that’ll make ya suffer? Pup, ya’re sobbin’ at the thought ’lone.”

“Cause it’s what you want,” Jackal whimpers when Vanda pries her fingers from his wrists but sighs at feeling his hands grip her hips. “You shouldn’t worry ’bout me, okay? I’m —”

“Yer not okay,” Vanda cuts in gently, nosing along Jackal’s jaw, feeling how erratic her heartbeat had become. “I jus’ want the both of ye.”

Sevika’s face burns at being included in such a statement but sucks her teeth and slides her fingers into Jackal’s hair. She tugs on the strands and is not surprised when Jackal lets her head loll back into her touch. Her heart squeezes in her chest at how tired Jackal looks, despite having just woken up, her mind must be going a mile a minute. Her eyes were red, along with her cheeks and nose, eyebrows screwed together as she peers up at the woman.

“Agreed,” Sevika says finally, leaning down to press a hard kiss to Jackal’s mouth, feeling the girl whine into her mouth. “Ya don’t want somethin’? Won’t be spoken of ’gain, pup.”

The girl pouts, feeling the tightening in her throat worsen. She’s still holding back words, but the same ones she’s been saying until now. “But —”

“Listen t’yer owner, pup,” Vanda nips at Jackal’s jaw with his canines, growling playfully into her skin.

Jackal whines, “But I failed.” She admits, whimpering another cry as more tears slide down her face. “Doesn’t t-that mean we aren’t compatible? That you’ll leave me? I-I’m holding you back and I’m really sorry. I don’t mean —”

“Watch it,” Sevika warns. “If we didn’t want ya, pup, would we be here?”

Jackal blinks, swallowing back the dryness of her throat and shaking her head slowly. “Maybe not, but you aren’t settling, right?”

“Course not, dumb pup,” Vanda chimes in, raising himself higher on his knees to press his chest into Jackal’s, pulling her in closer. “You’re wonderful, lass. Now deep breaths for me, hm? Yer safe.”

“Listen t’daddy, pup,” Sevika’s fingers dig into the girl’s scalp and relaxes at seeing the pleasant shiver run up Jackal’s back.

Jackal does take deep breaths, one hand on Vanda’s shoulder, the other on Sevika’s knee. She feels tired, so drained from her outburst of emotions. They were so helpful and patient when they needed to ground her.

Enjoy it while it lasts. They won’t be here forever. Her mind hated her. She screwed her eyebrows together and wrapped an arm around Vanda’s neck, feeling Sevika let go of her hair enough to sway forward and bury her face in Vanda’s shoulder. Pressing an ear into his skin to try and rid herself of the constant doubt cycling her mind.

It had gotten bad with Sevika, worse when Vanda and them got serious. Constant fear of losing them consumes her almost daily, but she’s managing with what she can. Not enough money for therapy, but enough for research and seeing what works for her.

Suspected BPD.

It had made her cry the first time she looked into it. How monstrous she could become to those she loved out of fear of being abandoned. Especially those she loved so deeply. It had made her spiral and cry, made her skin itch as everything seemed to make sense. To click.

She had surrounded herself with friends, enough where she didn’t feel the need to depend on them constantly for emotional balance when they were apart. She still missed them, craved to see them, but knew she would soon, and that made her happy.

“I…” She breathes. “I-I don’t mind hooking up with others, if we’re all involved, but n-not seperate. I don’t know, I don’t — I-I can’t —”

“That’s way ’n the future, lass. Don’ think ’bout it now,” Vanda pulled her down onto his lap and Jackal happily settled onto him.

“We’ll cross that bridge when it’s time, pup,” Sevika shifts the chair back, enough to sit on it, lean over Jackal’s back and scratch at her scalp. She knows it’s not how it sometimes works for Jackal. She saw the search history when Jackal had gotten herself sick with worry, and looked into it herself. But she could assure the girl as much as she needed to settle down and not think she’s constantly going to lose either of them. “Would be fun to get another dom to lose ’er mind over ya, though,” She teases softly, nipping the girl’s earlobe. “Show off ya trainin’.”

Jackal blushes and giggles into Vanda’s shoulder, shivering as Sevika’s hands draw up her back beneath her shirt. “Or a sub, so you can see ’m better than them.”

“Atta girl, pup,” Sevika’s hands wrap around Jackal’s sides, going to cup her breasts and hear the girl groan at the touch. “Would be fun, yes, but only y’can really satisfy both your butches.”

Jackal’s eyes burn with tears of relief and she nods into Vanda’s shoulder, gasping when Sevika tugs on her nipple piercings playfully. “Once ’n a while, yeah, puppy,” Vanda hands slide into the back of his boxers loosely around Jackal’s hips, gripping the girl’s bare ass. “That won’t change yer importance t’us. We still wanna put ye through the bed, hear those pretty little moans of yers.”

“You’re both teasing,” She grumbles and feels her cunt throb at Vanda’s hands spreading her ass open.

They both knew they were, and it was on purpose. To get her to stop spiraling over things that will happen in the future. The possibility of playing around with a fourth for a night once in a blue moon would be nothing, is nothing, compared to how much they both desire her.

She still doesn’t think she’s that important. Thinks herself as replaceable.

Sevika smirks at Vanda over Jackal’s shoulder as she trails one of her hands down to cup Jackal’s cunt through the boxers. The other butch smirks back, knowing what Sevika had in mind.

“We’ll show ye, pup.”

Jackal pulls her face back from Vanda’s shoulder, and goes to ask what he means but gets a harsh smack to her thigh by Sevika. She gasps and bucks into nothing.

“Let’s shut that pretty brain off. You’re ours, puppy. We’ll prove it.”

Butch and femme dividers by @saradika-graphics 18+ divider by @cafekitsune Lace bow divider by @cursed-carmine

This was very hard to write for me, but also helpful. I'm actually tearing up as I write this. I needed to work some more tears out of my system and this made it possible for a little bit of it.

There's a lot of memories with my writing to her, and I just think I need time to write more. It hurts to not have her to share this with anymore, however long that might be. I really don't know.

I won't delete anything I have but if I simply cannot keep writing anymore, I will let y'all know. Everything will stay up and I'll just write I'm inactive.

Caroline Marsden: Caroline Marsden is a 26 year old film director and screenplay writer. Born and raised in Britain, she moved to LA with her friend Wren to pursue her career in film making. Caroline always had a deep fascination for each part of making a movie, and knew a fair amount about each aspect that goes into a film. Caroline is a pessimistic, paranoid, and careless person, with little empathy towards others around her with Rose and Wren being the acceptation. Her  family situation is comfortable, she would never say they’re close but she doesn’t think they’re oddly distant. Caroline’s unstable mind and new-found grief is making her living situation harder to maintain along with her relationships, not to mention her house being haunted. (canonically has BPD, NPD, autism)

Rose Blum: Rose Blum was a 26 year old trans and Jewish author, happily wearing her diversity on her sleeve. She died suddenly of cardiac arrest that got her while away on her book tour. She always had a love for writing, indulging in poetry and writing competitions since they were 9. She met Caroline in college and instantly hitting it off, becoming great friends, and soon after, loving partners. Rose was shunned by their family ever since she came out as queer, attempting to flee from home but having nowhere to go. She would only meet with them for special family occasions like weddings and Hanukkah. Rose was a sweet, caring and loved person, who was “gone too soon”. (canonically autistic)

Wren Lawson: Wren Lawson is a 26 year old sex worker from London, who moved to America with his best friend Caroline. Wren has been interested in sex work since he was 17 after sneaking into a strip club and getting high with one of the performers. His family never accepted him for being trans so he usually saw Caroline’s family as his own, but the two of them never saw each other as siblings as they dated briefly in high school. Wren is witty, sarcastic, and unfiltered, all wrapped up into a dirty, punk outfit. (canonically AuDHD)