#boy 9

I recently had lunch with 1 (yes, that’s right, my very first college crush was like “hey, we should grab lunch!” I can’t believe it was almost three years ago that we texted every single day and were so excited to meet each other. Seeing him again was super nice because, yeah, we’re friends, but it also made me realize that it’s okay. Boys break your heart even though they texted you goodnight every night and you thought it meant something. It’s okay. You move on. 

I know I said boy 9 was my bffl and we’re still close friends but I discovered he’s a bit sexist so no thx.

Boy 22 still sends me shirltess snaps and invites me to his frat parties. I never respond/go but it’s nice to be considered, you know?

Boy 28. You’ll notice that I’m skipping a lot of boys and it’s because we don’t talk anymore or like we say hi or snap occasionally but no real conversation and boy 28 isn’t really an exception but I’ve been considering some things lately. Don’t know if I wrote about this but boy 28 was actually pretty into me. We saw each other a lot and the last times even held hands. I feel bad because I was never really physically attracted to him towards the end but I guess the worst thing is that I ghosted on him and didn’t actually realize it until a few weeks ago. I was an ass, sorry boy 28.

Ah yes. If you’ve been counting, boy 29 and I have been dating for like a year and a half. I’m not going to lie, this past half year has been pure ups and downs. I love him but I’m actually going to write about something now that only a handful of people know. Even though I lost my virginity two years ago (wow), sex still hurts a lot. I think it’s actually gotten worse because before it was like “oh maybe this time will be the time!” but now I’ve lost all hope which makes me even more nervous and makes it hurt a lot more. This is mostly a problem because boy 29 and I haven’t had sex in the past year really and a few months ago he started questioning whether or not I was still attracted to him. I am but honestly whenever he gets naked or we start having sexy time, I get so repulsed by the whole situation that I don’t find him attractive in that sense anymore. When we see each other I’m like “wow, I can’t believe I’m dating someone so fine,” but I don’t actually want to do anything with him and this has sadly come to include kissing most of the time (he’s a bad kisser and I’ve tried to coach him but nothing works, okay). I know this isn’t a terrible lot that we have going against us in this relationship since everything else is perfect and I would normally agree but I’ve come to realize exactly how important sex is in relationships and it makes me think that we wouldn’t work. I don’t know. I’ve flip-flopped on this every week pretty much. At first I thought I just didn’t want to break up with him because I was afraid to be alone but I’m not. I don’t know what keeps me from breaking up with him but every time I think about it, I get really upset.

Boy 30. You might ask how there’s a boy 30 and at this point I’ll tell you that I’m not a good person and I did something really bad. Summer of 2015 I was in a different state and I met a guy. We both held off for a while but eventually we gave in. I know I’m the scum of the earth because someone cheated on me and I thought he was the scum of the earth so yeah. I am very sorry to boy 29. He doesn’t know because I decided to keep it to myself since, when I was cheated on, I wish I hadn’t been told because that actually put more pressure on me and less on him and he didn’t deserve to “feel better” because he admitted to the truth and I don’t deserve to feel better now. I know this is something that I will have to carry as long as I’m in this relationship. Boy 30 and I didn’t have sex but we wanted to which makes me think that my sexual performance problems are just with boy 29. I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know. 

Okay so on September 5th I had lunch with 24 and I'm actually really behind in reporting this then but this is important because I discovered that:

1) Same favorite hockey team even though neither of us have any ties to Colorado. 2) Same second favorite hockey team (I found another Canes fan, whoo!) 3) A mutual appreciation for Matt Duchene 4) Both wanted Germany to win the World Cup. 5) Both wanted the Rangers to win the last Stanley Cup. 6) His name is fucking Matt something and it is relevant okay. 7) At the end he was like “we should watch Doctor Who sometime,” and yes please. 8) We are exactly one foot apart in height difference. 9) He’s cute and I’m cute so… 10) We both like alternative and indie rock. 11) He is silly which I appreciate, A+. 12) The first words he said to me were a cheesy pick up line which like is my favorite thing second only to puns. 13) We have the same favorite sandwich.

So then we sort of texted and snapchatted and everything and then on the 10th we got dessert and went to his apartment and he got wine and we watched TV and it was super nice and classy and emphasis on the classy because this boy has literally not touched me except for goodbye hugs and like I though this went well but then he didn't talk to me for a while until the 19th when he invited me to watch our school's hockey game and it was nice and I thought he was going to leave right after he got me home but we actually got food and watched my favorite TV show and like it was cool okay.

So that was a Friday and then last Sunday I was talking to 9 and he took my phone and typed out the following message and sent it:

Hey! When's our next Doctor Who viewing session? I'm really looking forward to seeing you again!

to which he replied

Next year?

Haha jk. probably not until late next week or the week after. I'm busy this week and I have a lot if tests and a paper next week.

1

We texted all summer on and off. It was nice. I see no future, too dangerous since I like him so much but oh well, I predict a good frienship.

2

Okay he was sorta right about 19. Still wants to do physical things with me. Not gonna happen but also friendship.

9

It's kinda pointless writing about this on here since we are always going to be friends and that's it but we hung out so much (like 24/7 this week) that now we are getting on each other's nerves a lot.

11

9 is seriously best friend material, he has been so helpful through all of this and he texts me to make sure I'm okay and he's always there for me and wow, what a man, his girlfriend is lucky. Maybe one day I'll post a little more about what I learned about him through us talking about our relationships because he is great and I'm so lucky that he's almost like a brother to me.

I'm trying to get back my strong friendship with 11 again. I know he has a girlfriend and yeah, I still wonder a bit what would have happened if I had stayed over the night he asked me to but oh well, for now I at least want someone to talk hockey with.

So I hung out with 9, his roommate, and some other friends on Wednesday night and we eventually got on the topic of Lulu, the app, and 9 asked me to give him a rating so I did and he asked to see it so I showed it to him and then we hung out for a few more hours and at the end everyone else left and he asked me if I was upset and needed to talk and like it's so freaky because he always knows what I'm thinking or when I'm upset so I told him about what happened Tuesday and it was easy to talk to him and he told me about similar experiences he had had and it was really helpful and he asked me why I was still even with 15 if it seemed that 15 didn't even care that much about me and he asked me if I was happy and no, I'm not.

I love 15 to pieces but I don't think I've been happy for a while and I'm hoping that this is just a phase.

Eventually 9 and I talked about my rating of him on Lulu and I admitted that I had liked him in the beginning but didn't anymore because he's like a brother to me now and we were about wrapping up the convo when 1 arrived (plot twist, I know) and we all talked for a while and then went to sleep.

I'm putting this in a read more because it might be TMI so fair warning.

So 9 suggested that I ask 1 if he liked me so I could get some piece of mind so I foolishly did and like I honestly don't know what I expected but 9 had convinced me that 1 liked me and surprise, surprise, he doesn't and it hurts a lot.

He said that he used to like me and there was no current reason why he didn't like me, just that we weren't compatible and are you fucking kidding me? We are actually almost exactly the same person and how dare you, although I'm not surprised since you seem to remember nothing of what we talked about during the summer. 

Like it's obviously because he doesn't think I'm either intelligent or pretty and again, how dare you.

How dare you stop liking me but still hang around me all of the time and flirt with my friends and who the hell are you that makes me think that you are even a remotely okay person.

So I have a huge crush on boy 13 because he likes Doctor Who and dressed up as the Doctor for Halloween. There was a dance in my hall and 1 and 13 were both there and yesterday I was in a study room with 1, 9, and the guy who asked me out in October and we were talking about the dance and 1 said "Oh yes, I saw your Doctor there!" (referring to 13) and at first I was super giddy because he said that 13 was my Doctor but then I realized that boy 1 had also, at one point in his life, dressed up as the Doctor and I had the fleeting thought of "you could have been my Doctor, you little shit," and I just didn't realize how bad it was getting with boy 1.

At the dance many boys were dressed up and 13 always dresses nicely so he looked great but I had never seen 1 dressed up and when I saw him I kind of just wanted to dance with him and put my hands on his shoulders and have his hands on my waist and damn.

He has pictures alone with some of the girls I hang out with who I have introduced him to and it makes me so jealous because we've known each other almost seven months and he's known the other girls for two months at the most and one of the girls is in his top friends on snapchat and we used to be top friends and remembering the picture he has as the Doctor brought up all the reasons why I fell in deep like with him over the summer and how much I still really like him.

I pretty much had to stop being friends with 3 cold turkey because it hurt so much to be around him and I think the same thing might be happening with 1 but on a larger scale because 1 was the first person I met in my new life in college and he's been there and we were perfect and I spend a lot of time wondering why he prefers a girl who drinks heavily and does other things like that over me when he's told me that he hates parties and drinking and that life and I do too.