#boy 15

We’re both recently out of relationships but the real trick is that he reminds me so much of boy 15 (aka the asshole who dumped me after he finally coerced me into losing my virginity) in his mannerisms. At first I thought I was being ridiculous but it got stronger. The good thing is that, eventually, I stopped seeing them as 15′s mannerisms and just started to see them as something I didn’t mind. 

I asked him what the most horrible thing he had ever done to someone else was to measure how much of a douche he was but also to compare it to my secret.

He got drunk and I got tipsy and I confessed I had lied about my worst thing. I told him I had cheated on my ex-boyfriend and he confessed that he had done the exact same thing this past semester.

I don’t know.

I know I did it too but I don’t think I would do it again. The girl he cheated with is in another state now but she’ll come back to this university and I’ll go back to mine and I just don’t want to get hurt again because I really do believe in our compatibility. 

We had sex and well, just that, we had sex. I was finally able to have sex without tears of pain and honestly I’m so proud of myself but also I’m assigning so much meaning to this and the fact that it feels so good and what if we break up and I never find someone like this? You can’t really prescreen guys for dick size. I know this isn’t everything but sex is very much a huge part of why my relationship with 29 was so unsuccessful. 

So. This time last year is when I met and got together with 15 and let me tell you that I fucking hate his guts but that doesn't change the fact that I obviously was in love with him at some point so I've been feeling kinda crappy lately.

It's weird. My mom asked me if I love 29 more than I loved 15 and the answer is that I think I love 29 more purely but not more than I loved 15 by the time that we ended our relationship and the reason why is simple.

When 15 and I broke up, he knew me so completely that everything was just so natural. We got into bed and immediately curled up into the perfect position. When we kissed, our lips molded together perfectly. I knew exactly where I could touch him and it wouldn't be weird. I know all of these things are obviously just because we spent time together and not because of anything else but I miss it so fucking much. It's so weird to think that I might not ever be like that with someone ever again. Even though I don't miss him at all, I do miss our relationship and it just fucking hurts so much. 

I remember how miserable I was with him but I also remember how his hair felt when my hands ran through it and how his eyes were so blue and how he used to make me laugh.

I think the clearest memory in one in which we were in my dorm room and I was sitting on my spinny desk chair while he laid on the floor and spun me around. I don't remember what I said but he started cracking up so much that he started crying and it was just a significant moment. I don't think I had ever truly made anyone laugh.

I obviously have to stop thinking like this but it's hard, you know? 

It's so twisted but the other day I caught myself thinking that maybe he wouldn't have cheated on me if I hadn't been so jealous or weird or whatever and I can't believe I was thinking that.

It's weird but I didn't really think he smelled like anything in particular until I encountered the same scent a few weeks ago and why is this shit important?

I ended the last part of part one by saying that I wasn’t surprised at all. It sounds horrible and I know it. It makes me think of a passage in Amy Tan’s Joy Luck Club:

I knew exactly what was going to happen, I wrote a paper on it*, why didn’t I do anything? Why couldn’t I end it? 

We had a really nasty fight about two weeks before the end of the semester. He got upset because I didn’t want to be involved in major PDA while in the line, waiting for a burrito. It was dumb but it escalated, he told me he still loved me but hadn’t felt in love with me for a while. I realize now it was bullshit but it freaked me out a lot in that moment. I was really hurt and we said things like “Well does that mean that you want to break up?” and “I don’t know, do you?” but there was no such break-up. We made up within a few hours and agreed to be more open about the things that bothered us about each other so our arguments wouldn’t escalate again. I then said something along the lines of “Well are you going to kiss me?” in jest and then he said

"I can’t."

I feel like I'm ready to talk about this and it might be better to talk about it backwards, we'll see.

Two weeks ago 15 drove to my house. He said we needed to talk and I said "I know." He asked me how I knew, as if I were dumb and hadn't realized that he hadn't said one sweet thing to me for two weeks. He started this long speech and I told him to get to the point. He said we needed to break up and I asked why. He said there were two reasons the first one relating to some erectile dysfunction problems he had been having for months as in he told me he had these problems on our second or third date when we weren't even in a relationship so basically he had erectile dysfunction before we even met but he blamed it on me and our relationship saying that our relationship was stressing him out to much. After this, I said "please don't do this,' and he said that that was reason two, he already had. He told me that he had gone over to a friend's house and he hadn't intended anything to happen but they had had sex. He told me he was really worried about his boner problems but still had it in him to get it up and cheat on me. He couldn't even wait a week to break up with me, his little whore obviously couldn't either. 

I'll talk about it one day since I'm slowly typing it up because it hurts like hell but here are the main points

I had always had short relationships so I waited until we dated at least four months before we had sex

We had sex and it was a mistake not in terms of that I regret it but like ugh, I was so dumb to think the following wouldn't happen

He cheated on me! Like a week or two after we had sex for the first time and we were fine since the main issue in our relationship was that he wanted sex and I was like "no, wait."

And then blamed his erectile dysfunction on me even though:

He had been having problems before we even met and

He sure got it up to have sex with someone else though

What an asshole