#boy 22

I recently had lunch with 1 (yes, that’s right, my very first college crush was like “hey, we should grab lunch!” I can’t believe it was almost three years ago that we texted every single day and were so excited to meet each other. Seeing him again was super nice because, yeah, we’re friends, but it also made me realize that it’s okay. Boys break your heart even though they texted you goodnight every night and you thought it meant something. It’s okay. You move on. 

I know I said boy 9 was my bffl and we’re still close friends but I discovered he’s a bit sexist so no thx.

Boy 22 still sends me shirltess snaps and invites me to his frat parties. I never respond/go but it’s nice to be considered, you know?

Boy 28. You’ll notice that I’m skipping a lot of boys and it’s because we don’t talk anymore or like we say hi or snap occasionally but no real conversation and boy 28 isn’t really an exception but I’ve been considering some things lately. Don’t know if I wrote about this but boy 28 was actually pretty into me. We saw each other a lot and the last times even held hands. I feel bad because I was never really physically attracted to him towards the end but I guess the worst thing is that I ghosted on him and didn’t actually realize it until a few weeks ago. I was an ass, sorry boy 28.

Ah yes. If you’ve been counting, boy 29 and I have been dating for like a year and a half. I’m not going to lie, this past half year has been pure ups and downs. I love him but I’m actually going to write about something now that only a handful of people know. Even though I lost my virginity two years ago (wow), sex still hurts a lot. I think it’s actually gotten worse because before it was like “oh maybe this time will be the time!” but now I’ve lost all hope which makes me even more nervous and makes it hurt a lot more. This is mostly a problem because boy 29 and I haven’t had sex in the past year really and a few months ago he started questioning whether or not I was still attracted to him. I am but honestly whenever he gets naked or we start having sexy time, I get so repulsed by the whole situation that I don’t find him attractive in that sense anymore. When we see each other I’m like “wow, I can’t believe I’m dating someone so fine,” but I don’t actually want to do anything with him and this has sadly come to include kissing most of the time (he’s a bad kisser and I’ve tried to coach him but nothing works, okay). I know this isn’t a terrible lot that we have going against us in this relationship since everything else is perfect and I would normally agree but I’ve come to realize exactly how important sex is in relationships and it makes me think that we wouldn’t work. I don’t know. I’ve flip-flopped on this every week pretty much. At first I thought I just didn’t want to break up with him because I was afraid to be alone but I’m not. I don’t know what keeps me from breaking up with him but every time I think about it, I get really upset.

Boy 30. You might ask how there’s a boy 30 and at this point I’ll tell you that I’m not a good person and I did something really bad. Summer of 2015 I was in a different state and I met a guy. We both held off for a while but eventually we gave in. I know I’m the scum of the earth because someone cheated on me and I thought he was the scum of the earth so yeah. I am very sorry to boy 29. He doesn’t know because I decided to keep it to myself since, when I was cheated on, I wish I hadn’t been told because that actually put more pressure on me and less on him and he didn’t deserve to “feel better” because he admitted to the truth and I don’t deserve to feel better now. I know this is something that I will have to carry as long as I’m in this relationship. Boy 30 and I didn’t have sex but we wanted to which makes me think that my sexual performance problems are just with boy 29. I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know. 

Okay so I went to a frat party last night because I wanted to see 22 and so we got there and we were trying to find each other and I saw him before he saw me and he was dancing with this girl in like an actual dancing manner so I was like “yeah, okay, it’s not like we’re dating or anything, he can dance with whoever he wants,” and then I sort of walked away and then I saw him later alone so I finally went up to say hi to him and like immediately after I said hi and introduced the friend I was with, he introduced us to what I thought was one of the freshman pledges and then left and the other guy asked me to dance but I was like “no thanks,” and it turns out that this was probably wise because he was actually a 17-year-old senior in high school and yeah…

But anyway, I met some more people and we were all sitting, talking on a couch in the basement and then we saw 22 go up with his ho and they were holding hands and this really solidified in me that it’s clear that the two or three weeks he was with me all the time and said he wanted to date me and was super sweet was just because I was the flavor of the time because he was like dancing and shit close with this ho and then I was like “omg” so one of my friends was like “OMG I’m going to go pour my beer on him,” and well there’s no convincing the drunk, right? But then she came back downstairs and said they had just been talking and ugh but then I was like “screw boys” so I asked the pledges and friends I was hanging out with if they wanted to dance and then we were dancing in a circle and 22 came back with his ho and so I turned so my back would be to him and I made eye contact with 26 and I thought he was trying to get into our dance circle and I smiled at him and eventually he came and started dancing behind me in that way so I was like “sure, why not,” and eventually 22 left his ho momentarily to tap me on the shoulder and I was like “what?” and he was like “he wants your number."

I thought the guy was one of his brothers and he was trying to set me up with him for brotherhood but 26 was a cadet who had been invited to the party by one of his friends so he didn’t know 22 at all which means that 22 did this in some twisted way for my benefit?

Here is 26's side of the story: 26 got my number because 22 saw me dancing with him and asked the guy if he wanted my number and 26 said yeah so then 22 went to me and was like “he wants your number,"

And here is 22's side of the story:

So apparently 26 had been like looking at me for the entire night but he wasn't making any moves and 22 noticed this and decided to encourage 26 to dance with me and then he hooked him up with my number in the previously mentioned way.

I was freaking out about this for a while, that 26 had wanted to dance with me all night but was too shy to do so. I love shit like this and when 22 told me this I was like "awwwwwww," and 26 and I texted for a couple of days after the party and he seemed pretty solid...

but then he got back with his girlfriend so...

My head was on his chest and I remember that he smelled so nice, like he had gotten ready just for me and to fall asleep. He felt so real and I don't know if it's because it had been the first time in a while I had literally slept with someone in so long. It felt so perfect and I don't know if it's our bodies or the feelings I have for him but I swear we felt together perfectly and I had never felt so safe in someone's arms and no one had ever felt so good in mine,

13

We see each other every weekend for viewings of our favorite TV show, we're friends, it's cool.

16

He randomly pokes me on facebook sometimes and who are you even?

19

We cool. Also still see each other a lot as friends.

SOS I touched his butt by accident a while back.

20

Discovered we work at the same place.

22

Still talk a lot and hang out sometimes.

Last Friday he invited me to his frat party and it was nice because he only invited me and we spent most of the time together.

Unfortunately he was drunk and danced with this other girl briefly and this would be fine except dancing in frat parties means grinding by default.

Also in his drunken state he said that he wanted to have sex with me but wouldn't because he wanted our first time to be sober because he liked me a lot and apparently enough to date me.

If you were saying "whut?" when you read the previous bullet point then let me tell you that I'm right there with you.

But we held hands and kissed and stuff and it was cute.

He asked me a few min ago if I wanted to hang out.

I should stop fantasizing over this.

He invited another girl to the frat house today (facebook).

I should stop.

It took a while for that to sink in.

It was beautiful.

So I kind of made out with this boy yesterday and let me tell you how this came to be.

Okay so tinder, obviously but we had been talking late in the summer and discovered that we were in the same physics class and we didn't really do much about it for the first week but we started talking again last weekend because of our school's football game sort of and he was like "where do you sit in physics?" and I said I didn't really have a specific seat and he was like "oh you should sit with us," but then when I arrived he was surrounded by people already so I awkwardly sat in front and slightly to the side of him and yeah so after class he was like "I think I saw you," and I was like "yeah!" so we started talking about his beard (which I think is A+ btw) and he was like "well we should meet up so you can see it," so we did.

We sat and talked a while and he talked a lot but like that's actually how I prefer a lot of conversations to go since I'm kind of quiet and prefer listening so it was really nice and after our rendezvous he said we should hang out more and I agreed so we said we would see each other Tuesday afternoon to watch a movie. The next morning he texted me good morning and like do you know how dangerous this is because I love things like this. Anyway, so we met in the afternoon. Was I completely naive about what I thought was going to happen with us alone in my room watching a movie? No. However, I don't think what happened was going to happen. 

He came into my room which is kind of decorated with my favorite nerdy TV show and he recognized it even though I had him pegged for a super frat bro since he talked a lot about his frat so that kind of turned me on for reasons unknown to me but anyway.

He said he had the perfect movie for us to watch and it was Mr. Nobody and like again this was surprising since this was actually a really good movie even though we didn't finish it (spoilers). So my laptop is pretty lame and ran out of battery an hour in so we were on my lofted bed and the charger was on my desk so I said something along the lines of "well, you could get it or I could climb over you to get it," and he said "or I could do this," and kissed me and so yeah, we made out and it was nice since he is super hot and like I can't even explain how hot he is but it did make me realize that the part I missed about relationships was the emotional part (cute texts, forehead kisses, the innocent things in life, okay) as opposed to the physical component so yeah, it was a good time and he almost skipped his class to stay with me but I am a stickler for academics so I made him go and he texted me that I should finish the movie and hell yes I am finishing that movie and then he was like "you should come to the frat house later," and let me tell you that all the srat/frat life I know about is from the TV show Greek so I wasn't too sure about me in a frat house but it ended up being more like a dorm that looks like a house on the outside because the inside was exactly like your typical dorm but anyway I said I had a lot of homework which was partially true and he said he would be doing homework too so I kind of didn't answer since also I figured out that I like like him which is always my downfall, I know. And since we met on tinder and like made out the second time we rendezvoused then I would think he's not looking for a relationship but also at this point I thought he was a frat douche who only wanted to hook up with me.

However, later I had a physics question so long story short he picked me up and we went to the frat house and it was nice. We were alone for some time and he helped me and at one point he gave me a forehead kiss and like was really tender with me and what kind of frat douche who only wants to hook up with me does that? I met a lot of his brothers and none of them were your typical frat douche so that was cool.

At some point we both had a physics question and his laptop was dead so he asked me if he could take my laptop to ask one of his physics major brothers a question so I said sure and getting the answer involved 22 signing into facebook so the phys major could send him a link or something so when my laptop was returned with his facebook page open and I am a horrible person so...

It was raining when I left and 22 went out with me to make sure I didn't get lost and then when it was time for him to turn back and run home he gave me a goodbye kiss and what kind of frat douche who only wants to hook up with me does that?

So anyway, I went home and I'm sorry but I am so bad at resisting snooping temptation so yes I looked at the facebook and a convo was up in the chat things that come up on the corner of facebook and I can't tell you exactly what the last few messages said but it was a convo in which he said "love ya," to said girl and I panicked because I thought he had a girlfriend for a second so I kind of went through their facebook convo and looked at their friendship page on facebook and I deduced/ found out that they are high school sweethearts and like from what I read, it sounds like he messed up in some way and lost her and it sounds like the type of thing it'll take both of them a while to get over and I get it because it happened to me but like over the summer things went down and it sounded really intense in terms of like all the emotions and feelings that surround this thing and like from my snooping it seems like she has emotion problems and I don't know what kind of problems he's dealing with but one of his messages did say that he was not going to counseling one day and who knows what that's for.

At one point he expressed that he knows she's "hanging out" with other guys and she knows that he's "hanging out" with other girls but like, I don't know, it sounds like they're waiting for each other. She goes to college in a different state and wow, something is definitely going on there.

It was horrible of me to snoop and I know it but like at the same time, wow he may not be a frat douche who only wants to hook up. He may be a frat member who only wants to hook up with me, I'm not reading into anything, but wow, at least he has a capability of feelings, I guess.

After I snooped, I went to bed and missed the message he sent asking me if I got home okay and what kind of frat douche who only wants to hook up with me does that?

I was supposed to sit with him in physics today but I ran late so I did the awkward one-row-in-front-slightly-to-the-side thing again but oh well.