#boy 28

I recently had lunch with 1 (yes, that’s right, my very first college crush was like “hey, we should grab lunch!” I can’t believe it was almost three years ago that we texted every single day and were so excited to meet each other. Seeing him again was super nice because, yeah, we’re friends, but it also made me realize that it’s okay. Boys break your heart even though they texted you goodnight every night and you thought it meant something. It’s okay. You move on. 

I know I said boy 9 was my bffl and we’re still close friends but I discovered he’s a bit sexist so no thx.

Boy 22 still sends me shirltess snaps and invites me to his frat parties. I never respond/go but it’s nice to be considered, you know?

Boy 28. You’ll notice that I’m skipping a lot of boys and it’s because we don’t talk anymore or like we say hi or snap occasionally but no real conversation and boy 28 isn’t really an exception but I’ve been considering some things lately. Don’t know if I wrote about this but boy 28 was actually pretty into me. We saw each other a lot and the last times even held hands. I feel bad because I was never really physically attracted to him towards the end but I guess the worst thing is that I ghosted on him and didn’t actually realize it until a few weeks ago. I was an ass, sorry boy 28.

Ah yes. If you’ve been counting, boy 29 and I have been dating for like a year and a half. I’m not going to lie, this past half year has been pure ups and downs. I love him but I’m actually going to write about something now that only a handful of people know. Even though I lost my virginity two years ago (wow), sex still hurts a lot. I think it’s actually gotten worse because before it was like “oh maybe this time will be the time!” but now I’ve lost all hope which makes me even more nervous and makes it hurt a lot more. This is mostly a problem because boy 29 and I haven’t had sex in the past year really and a few months ago he started questioning whether or not I was still attracted to him. I am but honestly whenever he gets naked or we start having sexy time, I get so repulsed by the whole situation that I don’t find him attractive in that sense anymore. When we see each other I’m like “wow, I can’t believe I’m dating someone so fine,” but I don’t actually want to do anything with him and this has sadly come to include kissing most of the time (he’s a bad kisser and I’ve tried to coach him but nothing works, okay). I know this isn’t a terrible lot that we have going against us in this relationship since everything else is perfect and I would normally agree but I’ve come to realize exactly how important sex is in relationships and it makes me think that we wouldn’t work. I don’t know. I’ve flip-flopped on this every week pretty much. At first I thought I just didn’t want to break up with him because I was afraid to be alone but I’m not. I don’t know what keeps me from breaking up with him but every time I think about it, I get really upset.

Boy 30. You might ask how there’s a boy 30 and at this point I’ll tell you that I’m not a good person and I did something really bad. Summer of 2015 I was in a different state and I met a guy. We both held off for a while but eventually we gave in. I know I’m the scum of the earth because someone cheated on me and I thought he was the scum of the earth so yeah. I am very sorry to boy 29. He doesn’t know because I decided to keep it to myself since, when I was cheated on, I wish I hadn’t been told because that actually put more pressure on me and less on him and he didn’t deserve to “feel better” because he admitted to the truth and I don’t deserve to feel better now. I know this is something that I will have to carry as long as I’m in this relationship. Boy 30 and I didn’t have sex but we wanted to which makes me think that my sexual performance problems are just with boy 29. I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know.