I think of you everyday my son.

I think of all the should have beens and would have beens.

The pain of losing you never went away, I just learned how to live with it every single day.

I swear I’m going to make you proud.

Fast approaching, inevitable, everywhere.

It’s hard to remember that even though my son isn’t with me, in my arms, that I am still qualified to be a mother.

I’ve done my best to avoid the commercials, the movies.. over the last few months I’ve become good at avoiding things.

Commercials are normally the hardest thing. I’ve stuck to Netflix and other streaming services as opposed to watching cable, purely to avoid commercials. The days following my release from the hospital, I saw a Pampers commercial, showing the birth of a healthy, crying baby. I heard the cries and it made me collapse, I still don’t do well with commercials or crying babies. I never got to hear Kaeden cry. Just another thing on the long list of things I’m missing out on.

I’ve had reminders from friends and family, that I am still a mother. Regardless of how much I don’t feel like I am, I’m assured that I am.

I still count the days without my son. I still cry, I still hurt, I still ache. Every period since my son was born sleeping is a constant reminder that I’m no longer pregnant.. no longer waiting for my son to be born and growing him inside me.

They don’t always talk about what happens after a stillbirth. My body and mind have an insufferable need to be pregnant. My hormones are crazy and out of wack. I still experience phantom symptoms, feeling ghostly kicks in my stomach, hightened smell and taste, easily nauseated. The flutter in my heart when I experience something along those lines, followed by the constant thoughts of “Am I pregnant?” courses through my mind. It’s become my “new normal”. How absurd for something so mentally damaging to become “normal”.

I’m grateful to the WNY Perinatal Bereavement Network. They are hosting a “Parents Day Breakfast” for those who have lost their children through many different, cruel means, the day prior to Mother’s Day. They also host a lot of group therapy sessions, and a multitude of other events for grieving parents. I’ve neglected to take advantage of these resources and potentially helpful happenings.. I felt I wasn’t strong enough to attend. But perhaps it’s no longer a matter if I’m “strong enough”, but maybe something I must do to become stronger for myself.. for Kaeden.

Please keep those who are missing children this upcoming Mother’s and Father’s Day in your thoughts. Please be mindful of your wishes, but know they are appreciated- though potentially painful. I’ll be attempting to remember that I am a mother. I’m no less of a mother than someone with many living, healthy children. Though it’s hard to feel that sometimes, I would like to believe it’s true.

I wish those that are suffering as I am, spend the day doing things that would make them proud to be a parent. Perhaps I’ll do something to brighten my day.. plant some flowers, paint a picture.. something creative for my son. I may never receive a card or present from my son- but it’s not the material things that matter. What matters is that I’m trying to better my life, hoping that I could one day be a person that I am proud of for my son.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.

It’s your daddy’s birthday today my baby and it would have been so much happier if you were here physically with us. Today should have been the day that you are staring at me while preparing for a surprise for your daddy. Your daddy is one to not make a big fuss about his birthday, but he married your mommy who likes to make every birthdays special. Guess he needs to live with that eh?

Days like today make me dwell into the impossible, I keep on thinking of an alternate life with you in it, where you are well and alive. The past days, I’m easily triggered and always in the urge of crying. Last night, your daddy and I went to buy for curtains, and at the same floor the store was selling baby clothes, I was about to cry when I saw baby boy clothes when your daddy started to approach me. I quickly composed myself as I don’t want your daddy to worry.

I remember my birthday last March, how I cried so much when it hit me hard again that you were gone and my vision of being a new mom at 31 ceased to exist. Now, on your daddy’s birthday, I feel that his thoughts are the same. We should have a baby boy with us today, it should have been his first birthday as a dad, everything should have been so much better, we should have you. Knowing your daddy, he would not show his emotions. But don’t worry, I’ll be the strong one today.

We love you so much our son, we miss you everyday. You are with us in our hearts, always.

Loving you forever,