#bornsleeping

I think of you everyday my son.

I think of all the should have beens and would have beens.

The pain of losing you never went away, I just learned how to live with it every single day.

I swear I’m going to make you proud.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.

It’s your daddy’s birthday today my baby and it would have been so much happier if you were here physically with us. Today should have been the day that you are staring at me while preparing for a surprise for your daddy. Your daddy is one to not make a big fuss about his birthday, but he married your mommy who likes to make every birthdays special. Guess he needs to live with that eh?

Days like today make me dwell into the impossible, I keep on thinking of an alternate life with you in it, where you are well and alive. The past days, I’m easily triggered and always in the urge of crying. Last night, your daddy and I went to buy for curtains, and at the same floor the store was selling baby clothes, I was about to cry when I saw baby boy clothes when your daddy started to approach me. I quickly composed myself as I don’t want your daddy to worry.

I remember my birthday last March, how I cried so much when it hit me hard again that you were gone and my vision of being a new mom at 31 ceased to exist. Now, on your daddy’s birthday, I feel that his thoughts are the same. We should have a baby boy with us today, it should have been his first birthday as a dad, everything should have been so much better, we should have you. Knowing your daddy, he would not show his emotions. But don’t worry, I’ll be the strong one today.

We love you so much our son, we miss you everyday. You are with us in our hearts, always.

Loving you forever,

It was on 15 December 2018, at 11:55am, a Saturday, when my world turned upside down. My life changed drastically and part of me died the moment my son was born without a heartbeat.

I’m at this point where I find myself at a standstill. My heart breaks on the fact that the days that I lost him now outnumbered the days that I had with him. This emotion is then doubled on the fact that the 15th of this month is the very first one of the year to fall on a Saturday.

I carried my son for 6 months, and those 6 months with him were the best times I ever had. He was my first child, my answered prayer. He put an end to my endless worries of “am I capable of carrying a child?” and “what if having PCOS hinders my chance of getting pregnant?” and so on. He was my blessing. My husband and I’s bundle of joy.

6 months with him, and now 6 months on without him.

The first thought that comes up to my mind when I wake up every morning is, “I should be waking up to a sleeping/crying/smiling/farting/staring-at-his-momma baby right now”, but instead, I wake up to a silent forlorn morning.

Unlike the first few months in this journey, I don’t find myself crying that much anymore. But there are still days that I find myself back to square one. I cry for the future that my husband and I lost. I cry for my son.

Looking back I didn’t know how I navigated through life, how I survived the most awful thing that any one could ever face. I am trying my best to keep myself busy so that my Kaeden would be proud. But days like today definitely make me stop on my track and think back on everything that had happened. My heart breaks for the baby boy that had given me so much joy in a short span of time.

This song was introduced by my new friend Kiersten, who also sadly lost her baby, whose name was also Kaeden. We both love our sons so much. We’d do anything to have them back.