They've pushed me to my limits over and over again and the second I blow up I'm the crazy one and I'm the unstable one and they have to "walk on eggshells" around my when my mom is a borderline and narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde who raised me to fear her

I don't understand how she can't remember the things she's said to me. The way she screamed and yelled while I hid in the bathroom sobbing and the way she made me feel worthless and inadequate when she could have just sat down and had a civil conversation with me and used genuine parenting tactics to help me regulate my emotions.

The way she gave me a literal eating disorder for the way she handled meal times shouting at me and forcing me and getting in my face instead of helping me form a positive relationship with food so now I fear trying new foods and have such a limited palette and get genuine anxiety when I have to eat things I'm unfamiliar with and binge on safe foods

The way I poured my heart out to her at age 10 in the car telling her about how I was being bullied and harassed at school and instead of going to the school and helping she shouted "YOU KNOW WHAT, ARIANA IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM" and she can just forget that ever happened but 11 years later it's still engraved in my brain

The way she called me a slut and a bitch when I was 13 years old and threatened to hurt my 13 year old boyfriend just for kissing me.

I don't care what the circumstances are I would NEVER call my child that I would NEVER make her feel worthless and flawed and only deserving of conditional love.

The way she told me I had fat and needed to lose weight at 16 because she was 109lbs going into college and I tried to explain body types and bmi to her and she said "I don't believe you" and she told the guy who did my senior pictures to edit them to make me look skinnier.

The way she still sexualizes me based on the clothes I wear when they're barely revealing and I'm a grown woman.

The way she's blamed me for my mental and chronic illnesses and told me that the car accident was my fault and I did it for attention and I always have to play the victim and can't just "let" myself be happy.

She never taught me to regulate my negative emotions because she never knew how to do it herself and my kid brained soaked up all her bpd and npd traits and even after years of therapy I still haven't unlearned them all

My friends in highschool used to tell me she was abusive and I didn't believe them and it wasn't until I got a highly skilled therapist that I realized this wasnt mother daughter drama but mother daughter trauma.

And to this day she thinks she can speak to me with the most disrespectful tone and demand I cross my own boundaries and then when I match her tone I'm the bad guy and I'm the shitty unstable disrespectful and ungrateful daughter.

And I'm literally locked in my room right now because I can't be near her I can't see her because it makes me feel sick and burning mad because she will never understand and she will always be like this and I just want a mother who will speak to me with respect and help me through my problems but instead she makes them worse and then gives me money and acts like everything is fixed I DON'T WANT HER FUCKING MONEY I WANT HER RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING

And she can go on and forget what she did this weekend but it's been 4 days and I'm still crying over it and I just wanted to die so bad on Sunday and I just can't take it anymore I can't fucking take it why the hell did she have me if she was just going to make me feel this way.

I'm 4 days away from moving across the state but I still feel so trapped physically and emotionally and financially and I hate this and I hate myself and I just feel like the 7 year old girl locked in the bathroom getting screamed at for something that could have been resolved with a calm voice, reasoning, and proper parenting

I take a diazepam (well I’ve done that already), I wait for one hour. That will be 4am. Then I try to sleep again. I can go to him and spray lavender and put a meditation on for him. I can be proactive here. I can try.

I’m literally fucking dying here and I’m alone and I have to do this. I’m heartbroken for myself. I’d hate to know someone who as struggling like this. Nobody should go through this.

I've been struggling for almost 4 years now with depression and self pity. Oh sure, I had perfectly good reasons: - I discovered my mother is a Borderline. Which has turned my world upside down. My life history has literally been upturned with examination through these new circumstances.

- I spent much of that time transitioning into menopause. Always being hot and nauseated, worse with a 'flash.' I did not have extreme emotional highs and lows most often heard about: instead I experienced a near constant state of anxiety. Which only made my stomach more upset.  - Eating ice cream and other high convenience comfort foods has added 40 lbs. to my frame. I have spent my entire pre-perimenopausal life being very thin. These pounds make me look and feel like someone I don't know. - For 25 years I have been trying to eradicate having asthma, allergies, and GI problems. I have been put on so many food restrictions and specialty diets to deal with inflammation that I've had to relearn to cook each time. The rotation diet, the Yeast Free diet, the SCD Diet. I've done a stint eating vegetarian as well. The only thing that worked was the SCD Diet. Not to eradicate my medical problems, but to gain a little control over my life.

- My stomach disturbances finally sent me to the ER 2 summers ago, which started a whole round of tests.So now I know I am dealing with hiatel hernia, which causes acid reflux and likely is what started the asthma attacks 25 years ago (is that the most convoluted way to discover why I developed asthma? Something that has shamed me and plagued me for decades, and I literally was looking in the wrong spot).

It's spring break and I finally have some time to sit down and tend to my dwindling tumblr blog. It really shouldn't be as difficult to maintain as I mentally believe it to be. 

I tend to dive into life when things are getting sticky. I prefer to remain focused on the important things and allow all the drama to slip on by. And when you have a family member with BPD, there is always some type of drama. It doesn't even matter that I haven't had contact for nearly a year and a half... the drama ( and its ability to suck people in) is constant.

I suppose I am aware enough now to know that my mother depends on her ability to suck me in. It allows her to feel power and control especially now that I have "abandoned" her. I have empathy for her in this sense. I understand that it is difficult for her but I don't understand why she choses to vilify me and hurt me to feel connected. If she wants to feel close, or to feel as if I am still part of her life, why doesn't she reach out with kindness and sorrow for the things she has done?

Now that I have learned about Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and have talked with many other Adult Children of these PD's, I can easily spot when someone I meet is "off." Don't ask me to armchair diagnose them, let's just say they are overly needy, 'bomb dropping' in conversations or showing some other symptom of disordered thinking. These people scare the hell out of me, always have. But now I understand WHY: my brain recognized a pattern to them that was unsafe for me to be around.

Years ago a dental hygienist my children saw had me all twisted up after a cleaning. She was bomb dropping information, little challenges that put me on the spot. I flipped out! I did not understand why I got so angry with this woman. My children told me I was over reacting. But in rolling the tapes back, she clearly was throwing down comments about my children and their teeth that were not normal things to say. Or flat out judgmental crappola. She'd say "I believe that  blah, blah, and Dr. agrees with me." Then when I asked the dentist, he didn't even know what she was talking about!  That was the first time I spotted crazy and knew what I was seeing.