#npd parent

As someone who grew up with an npd, aspd, AND bpd parent who abused me my entire life… they are still people. They hurt me and I don’t have to forgive them for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not their fault. It generations of abuse that has carried down those disorders and I can not blame them for that. That being said this in no way excuses their actions. By no means is what they didn’t to their own child acceptable. But they are still a person and although I still deal with the effects they had on me, I still know they are a person. Period.

But in certain ways, due to the stigma I've dealt with surrounding my disorder, it made me hyper-aware of them instead.

For instance it's a huge stereotype that narcissistic parents abuse their children. I have kids myself, and I am hyper-aware of that stereotype. I spend so much of my time around them worrying and trying so hard to make sure I never ever, not for a single moment, become anything like that stereotype. I want to be better than that. For me and for my kids.

I try my dammed hardest to be a good parent. And it isn't easy, especially when 3 of 4 of my kids are in other systems across the damned ocean. It leads me to feel like I have failed as a parent a lot. When they get hurt by people I couldn't protect them from. When I can tell they're upset and I don't know quite what to do.

But regardless, I keep trying. They deserve a parent who tries their best for their kids like that. And yes, a part of it for me is wanting to prove I can be more than that stereotype of an abusive parent as someone with npd. And yes that stereotype is a large part of why I am so hyper-aware of everything I do involving my kids and why I try so hard. But it's more than that. And I'm tired of being treated like those reasons that do stem from my npd make me a bad person. I'm tired of them being used to negate my care and my love for my kids. I am tired of being treated like I am not capable of loving my own children and wanting to give them the best life I can because of my disorder.

Going back one one of my favorite subject psychology/psychiatry 😁 and here well i find an interesting video talking about the sign of narcissist father/son relationship by a dr.Todd grande on YouTube ( There were some criticsm in the comment but i tought it was a good video)

So since Hans dad is Said to be one on tv trope and when you analyzed him a little better on the book he does show a lot of traits of the disorder if not all ( on the contrary of hans) and his family dynamic also works like a real life narcissist family ( golden child caleb , flying monkey rudi and runo scapegoat Hans , neutral child lars narcissist supply)

i tought what about took those 7 seven sign and see if it does Apply with the princes of the southern isles in the little stuff we got at the beggining of the book 😁 so here really thats about the princes of the southern isles relationship with their narcissist father as show in the book.

On thing : that video was not about distant narcissist father but too much involve narcissist father.

1- The father is gonna have a huge influence on a son life

I dont think i need to developp a lot there thats is 100% the situation for all the princes their father seems to be at the center of their life looking for approval of him constanly and spreading their father propaganda during the birthday of the queen at the start of the book. Even Hans his father is at the center of his life as he not only pass days daydreaming about being king but also be an only child sharing times with his dad and having his love and approval and basically de discovered that everything hans does his father does have a big influence that is impossible to ignore. All the choice he makes were about what his father taught him. Hans dad has a corrosive influence on him.

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2-teach the son a lot of maladaptive behavior regarding how to approach people.

"Maladaptive behavior is behavior that prevents you from making adjustments that are in your own best interest. Avoidance, withdrawal, and passive aggression are examples of maladaptive behaviors" in the video the doctor was telling that the dad is gonna teach things like dont trust woman or dont trust men also encouraging to escalate agressivness.

he taught all of them how to abuse others. that some pretty maladaptive behavior to teach your kids. So...

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3- the father has a strong influence on whether or not the son should have kids.

It seems also Thats is 100% acurate to what we get to saw.

Here we are talking about a king so thats a different from real life...But in the book its does say that he encourage his sons to procreate so their argument he need a heir ? Well he has already 13 sons and plenty grandchildrens thats big enought to have heirs 😅 well he is happy with the idea of it and is even the one that set the match for all his sons the king literraly wants granchidlren. What is interesting is that in the video the doctor was explaining that some father just are gonna say do not have kid enjoy life or have kid because they see it as way to spread the legagy of the name of the family and well here with the king mentionning that the westergaard are lion not mices its does tell a lot that the princes dad belong to the second category.

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4-The father live viriacously throught the sons in a way that can fit the grandiose fantasy.

Well, the king ask his sons to reflect him they dont even have their own mind their really act like a fan club and when all the princes at the start of the book mock hans only to have his approval well he is not bother at all. Thats their duty to act like their father he wants them to fit his fantasy how westergaard are lion not mice and will not tolerate them to be mices. ( as show with hans) so here i think that a pretty big glue that he live trought his sons Caleb the most since he is the one he give all his attention.

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5- the father is not necesserarly emotionally distant but he does not focus on the emotions the son is having.

To be honest i dont really understand what the doctor explain about this one but sure that hans father do not focus on his sons emotions but only caleb and even Caleb that is not sure.he seems to only cares about his own emotions.

Talking About that .......

6- the son may get abandonned for another child perhaps a son or a daughter that makes him feel more fuller

Well that the case for Hans prince number 12 , 11 , 10 , 9 , 8 , 7 ,6 ,5,4 ,3 ,2 since the only one according to Hans at the start of the book who the king show strong interest is the oldest caleb and they all took drastic way to have a little part of his paternal attention even if this is at the expand hans. So i think we got that one also.

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7- in case of divorce the father is typically dividing or encouraging the son to side with him against their mother.

Thats what hans dad do toward him...he has makes all his brothers side with him against hans and also put rivalry between the brothers since hans said that everything is about rivalry at home with his brothers.

So know in term of divorce in a modern setting if he do that with Hans and his others son he can very much do that with their mother...if thats not already the case because apparently hans is called a moma boy by the twins and this is suppose to be a negative thing. So maybe the king has already put his sons against their mother without even a divorce 🤔.

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So well the princes relationship with their father seems to show the 6 sign except the one that i didnt understand 😄. Even with Hans who he is suppose to be the most distant there are some stuff so kind of complicated but then that means that maybe the king is not a genuine distant father toward Hans in some way.

If you think any act of abuse can fall under the label "narcissistic" you've diluted it to a scapegoat and its symptoms to the point of meaninglessness. I know it feels good to point to 1 overarching personality flaw that causes abuse but its not true & harms people with actual NPD. All mental illnesses have the possibility to contribute to maladaptive or even malicious behavior, but ultimately a person's actions are their own and trying to isolate bad people to one category reads as both eugenicist (what if we just got rid of all the bad ppl) and an obfuscation of your own bad actions (well im not x so i cant possibly be a bad person)

I know what the problem is...

It’s me, obviously. While everybody else grows up strong, I stay the same. I stay young. A child, nothing more and I never improve. My whole life was spent learning nothing but good behaviour, how to please, be quiet, never get in anybody’s way. And I see the other kids grow taller, dress older, act more mature, achieve more, meet people, start families, live a life! And I’m still sat here with my hands folded in my lap and my mouth zipped closed still trembling with the fear of what happens if I stop.

And, the longer it goes on, the more is added to the pile of what need to catch up on...

But the fear isn’t mild, it’s not a choice if I wanted to obey him or not. The echo of my fathers voice rings loud in my head, his words are already inside my heart. I am still within the mindset I was handed, I can’t move forward, I cannot grow, I can’t move past this UNTIL I have reached my original goal, but it’s still so far out of reach that I do doubt myself that I will ever get there, but my existence depends on me getting there soon. If I cannot learn to walk, then I can never learn to run. If I never earn the ability to write, I can never make a book.

If I can never repay what I consumed as a child, I can never earn my way as an adult.

If I can’t dig myself out, I’ll never see the light of day. There’s no was that I could move forward until I get past this, but I’ve never come even close so far. I am a failure at my one job in life. I am everything my parents said I am, and nothing that they want me to be. I am worthless, I am useless, and I am doomed. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot change it. Because I have tried, so many ways, and so many times, for so many YEARS. And I’m even WORSE off than I ever was.

- first because people call very quickly person to be a narcissist and throw the world as if it was a potatoes really ! without looking at the actual symptom in my country we call them pervert narcissist and girls like to label very easily their ex based only on their view on them when the disorder is a true a psychiatrist disorder. ( this is the same thing we did when we act as if hans is one because of his relationship to an only person ....anna) so just hearing “ hans is narcissist because what he did to Anna....bla bla bla”.

- because here is the symptom of it : not there is not just “lacking of empathy” and ‘having a high image of himself/herself”

Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration ,  Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it , Exaggerate achievements and talents , Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate , Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people , Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior , Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations , Take advantage of others to get what they want , Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others , Be envious of others and believe others envy them , Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious , Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can , Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment , Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted , React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior , Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior , Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change , Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection ,Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

Taking advantages is the only one accurate. All the others we just dont know !

we are NOT in hans head or We dont have enough evidence and he even show some contradictory behavior to several of them. So now hans cannot be said he is a narcissist based on the movie. because goooooosh he said "i m the hero who is gonna save arendelle from destruction" and lack empathy to anna. lack seriously i read somewhere he was one and was the definition of the disorder because he said “ i m the hero who is gonna saved arendelle from destruction and exploit anna in the movies.

- people who had the headcanon i believe dont know how the disorder is create in real life.i read because he was abused years in his childhood when he was unproblematic and therefore some people headcanon him to have disorders like narcissistic personality disorder later in his life. (Same for anti social personality disorder )

the thing is   : Narcissist, just like sociopath and psychopath ( ASPD) dont "turn into one" at 23 years old because of years of abuse. All this disorder begin in early , very early childhood between ( 1-7) years old this not for nothing that we said narcisist are child in adult body. So hans will show tendencies early and be a little demon almost all his life at 8 years old ( thats the age give by the researcher) 9 , 10 , 11, 12 , 13 , 14 , 15 , 16 , 17 , 18 years old and later diagnostic as one.

Also Taking into consideration the reality of the disorder. I find that unbelievable that a queen and a king will send their 13th son with that behavior as a diagnatery. an official diagnetry to an important political Event such like Arendelle coronation.

Really i really strongly believe that if Hans was neither a narcissist, a sociopath, a psychopath if we want to be the most faithful to the reality  of those disorders Hans would have never be send as a diagnetry to such events. the movie will not have even take place even more i believe if he had anti social personality disorder since some of the trait is failure to plan ahead.

- a frozen heart : this book exist ! This is published by disney and yes we can have question about his canonicity to the movie. but to the franchise ? The book is very much canon to the franchise ! and they confirm with very rare product about Hans things that actually are faithful to the book.. 

In this book , who is actually great , because we are in his head unlike in the movie where a lot of thing are let to the interpretation of the audience. (too much) hans dont have the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder at all only again only the manipulative part.

but the The king him was write as one not only because in the site “tv tropes” they mentioned it but also because he really does show strong tendencies in very few chapters. He is arrogant , dont have empathy , he dont takes criticism , Everyone should obey him , he exploit Hans during 3 years without guilt or shame , He ask all his sons to reflect on him , he has a high opinion of himself  believe he is special and could only be with special people : westergaard are Lion not mices., he ask his sons to be obedient and he is  very controlling , he  marry every single of his sons who are unhapilly married  and if he had decided that hans is not gonna marry someone he is not gonna marry someone , as Hans saw him as jailer , even when he said yes Hans to go in arendelle he has the need to remind him to go immediately home to babysit his niece and nephew. He totally ignore his sons need and belittle Hans during the whole chapter we have about him in the beginning of the book. He is very manipulative , the one who talk to Hans about the mirror theory. He is manipulative to all his sons as he has brainwashed all of them in his social darwinism survival of the fittest way of life. He has problem regulated his emotions He is according to Hans thousand more scary than marshmallow when he is angry. He monopolize Conversation and talk only to Caleb his oldest sons during his wife birthday who is quiet during the moment ignore on her own birthday. he had a big big need of admiration he had no problem with his sons looking constantly for his approval ( thing present in the first chapter of Hans in the book) and and he specially asked Hand do not disappoint him. He except everyone to agree with him just because he is the King., he has no empathy for his citizens and burn a farm one day as “solution to a problem”. He is tyrannical father and tyrannical King who believe he has a right to pick on a the weak because he is superior to them.

So having this book and hans being called one when he is not one but the victim of one is frustrating. so yeah not everyone knows about the book , not everyone is gonna analyze the king of course but still....that’s very frustrating !