#bpd parent

Don’t reblog

I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour.

I have a million things to do (most of the notes for the last forever AS A START). I have to {insert difficult work thing} and im dreeeeaaaading it. I’m on planning comittee that I have spent zero time on (legit it’s a month out and I’ve not even LOOKED at what I need to do sooooooo) and don’t really have the energy to take on since the kiddo died. I have therapy tomorrow and like every week for the last three, I don’t want to go but shit’s gonna be hard. I’m going to go - I’m just not happy about it.

And within the last week, I had a person spend a whole flight literally sitting on top of me, I got super triggered and cried the whole flight, had to see my abusive mother who act just like always and threw a fucking temper tantrum because we (including children) didn’t want to go get dinner with her at 10pm when the kids had school the next day, found out that she hasn’t changed *at all* and if anything her behavior has gotten worse as folks have individuated. Found out she’s doing the same things she did to me to others and that it’s really fucking bad. The fact that she’s doing it AGAIN makes me so angry I can’t see straight. She’s so lucky I found out about this after I saw her because if she’s afraid that everyone will hate her — SHE’D HAVE NO FUCKING DOUBT if I knew then what I know now. I can be much more forgiving if she’s not actively trying to destroy kids but NOPE had to do option two. I had to talk to my partner about the distinct possibility that some of these kids will come live with us while my partner had the flu. My car broke down and I missed a flight. I cried to the airline lady. I have heard the most ridiculous shit from white people (including friends) and I’m 100% over this bullshit. I’ve also seen some of the most ableist bullshit this week. Our landlord might be dying. It’s just sucked ass. One of the non-work kids I’m involved in is just doing the dumbest shite and I’m worried and frustrated.

You can get through this. It takes work and it’s hard. It gets easier with time. Your mom spend a lot of your life doing “really fucked up shit” so it takes time. And the work you do will be a work in progress. Things will come up even after you have “dealt with it” and that’s okay! 

Sadly, no. I have Insane Boomer Mother Christmas Trauma and I basically do everything I can to not leave the house after Thanksgiving because Christmas music actually raises my blood pressure and makes me angry.

You see my mom was borderline/narcissistic personality disorder and Christmas was her favorite holiday, which meant that she both wanted to be the child who got Christmas done for them and there were a ton of unspoken rules that would change on a dime, plus the classic holiday meltdowns, so Christmas was about being on edge because Mom was going to blow the hell up and it wasn’t out of the question that I’d end up with a broken bone (never seen by a doctor) because of the physical abuse, then I’d have to put on a happy smiling face to prevent more blowups the instant the egg donor got her catharsis.

Bing Crosby has the same effect on me as helicopters on military veterans. I’m on HIGH ALERT and pissed, immediately.

I have hated Christmas since I was 7-8 years old. It’s just the season of dread for me.

Calling it solstice and Yule does not help. I also hate Christmas movies, like a lot, the only upside is the lights in neighborhoods with interesting architecture make it so you can stare at pretty houses without people thinking you’re going to rob the joint.

I am, however, in deep support of just doing Halloween Part Two! Spooky season is the best.