#bluuh

 ive read that short-term hospitalization doesnt help a lot of borderline w/ suicidality and im not sure if i would benefit overall from an inpatient stay, because i Really want to be around with the mice while the babies are being born

i feel like partial /could/ help me but ive never been in adult partial before, only adolescent. the main drawbacks are that id likely be misgendered the whole time while there (though id most likely be read as a butch lesbian which is okay though i dont like being misnamed) and uhhh that in order to do partial you cant be on any substances while youre there and you Will get tested and iii dont want that especially since i dont wanna get Shamed for smoking ghh

my main issue is that school makes me exhausted and also ive been like... unable to be by myself while sober at night because i get overwhelmingly sad if i dont have company or a distraction and since two weeks ago at the very least ive had multiple occasions where i had a really strong urge that i didnt act on because other people were around (usually, like, at school)

(which i guess leads to the realization that i smoke primarily to lessen my Crushing Depression and dull the constant internal stream of “you dont deserve to live etc etc”)