#bluereader

" hi matt im um- im really glad you didnt pick up.

Must be kinda weird hearing voice. [laughs] i didnt wanna show you i was better until, i guess until i felt it. He killed my voice bad right, sounds different. I feel a lot different.

Doesnt hurt anymore, thats good? Its the only thing that doesnt. I-i move sometimes and im just expecting someone to hit me or yell at me. Its like i can feel myself getting hit you know? I guess that might sound crazy. [small laugh]

Its nice here- colder than LA. i think youd like it, we have this woods nearby. ‘m not allowed there on my own though, ‘s not safe.

[sigh] i wish you were here. everyone tries- they really try but i cant do it. I hate talking, i hate living feeling like im gonna die any second, im afraid of everything. It feels like- like im rotting. like therapy is a way to cut me open to see the mould but then- then im just left cut open.

I dont know what to do with the feelings anymore. 

I feel infected. [sniff]

Im supposed to distract myself from it all, ‘m not supposed to think about it. I dont see why draining the memories out would work when ive been fucking bathing in them for years. 

I dont think i can live like this, matt. [quiet sob]

Im not even a person anymore.but  I dont know how to try being anything else. 

Im always just- empty. And i want you- so bad. I dont wanna feel like im buying time until i die any more. I-its like im lonely, but i feel like everything is suffocating me, like its crowded. 

I cant have you. ‘m not supposed to have anything- it sounds dumb, i have people. I was the reason i didnt have anyone in the first place. But now im just- im just a chore and im weighing everyone down. 

Everyones expecting me to do it. to- to leave. I dont know why im putting it off anymore. 

[sob] im sorry i just- im so sorry. [sniff]

I dont see another way out. 

I love you. "

It felt just how she described it, a crowded loneliness stemming from deep within. 

He wanted her to call back. She didnt. 

Matt had missed her call, but got her sisters call. A twisted compromise, as if the universe had firmly decided he wasnt allowed to talk to her, to stop her. He could only ever miss her. 

The plane ride was long, exhausting. He couldnt sleep at all. Theyd got this journey together not long ago. He held her hand, silent communication as she was too nervous to rest. She was terrified of how shed be greeted once she got there. And now matt was terrified.

Hed given himself this role, he grew almost confident in his abilities while she stayed with him. He was going to protect her, hed be her support, every second that she wanted him there. Her life was so fractured, people of value were scattered, her memories and sense of self were all scattered. Of course he didnt want to let her go, but he wanted what she wanted. Matt wanted her to live a life with the people she wanted there - he wanted her just to live. He wasnt there to see the way that idea changed for herself.

She wanted to apologise, to make amends. He never thought she meant final ones. 

The hospital lights burned into matts blank stare and red eyes. He refused to believe she could be gone. He refused to believe any of it was happening, even as it played out in front of him. 

Her voicemail didnt feel final. It felt like she was waiting, she wanted matt to stop her. He was supposed to stop her. She had so much life left, he had so many moments he wanted to share with her. She had an entire future waiting for her. It wasnt supposed to happen. She couldnt have meant it to happen. 

He got walked down to her room, matt was unresponsive. He couldnt bring himself to talk when he was convinced it was some sick nightmare. 

She wasnt awake, her sister sat aside her watching. She barely acknowledged matts entrance, like she was in a trance expecting her to spring back to life but only if she kept watch.

 It felt too sick to think but it looked as if she was already gone. Her body barely shifting, wires connected to her like she was a machine. Like she was never real in the first place. The scarring he remember had faded, no injuries from anyone but herself were on show. 

It could be easy to blame everyone else. Matt could get angry her sister, telling her she shouldve done more, been there more. How abandoned did she feel by her to have to call on matt when she hadnt seen him in months? He knew it wouldnt be productive. Hed get no where, break the only bond that was the reason he was even on the list to be able to see her. 

He kind of hoped shed just wake up, that shed feel his presence even so far out of reach. He wanted to be enough. But just showing up never is. And he didnt blame her for it.                                       

Her sister essentially hogged the space next to her on the hospital bed. It wasnt matts place to take that from her, he understood that at least. As days went on, her sister had warmed up to him. Less blaming, less anger for how he handled the situation. Matt didnt bother explaining himself, he didnt really care how her sister felt about him. Not when all he felt anyways was guilt.

Regardless, eventually he got to sit next to her. He stared long at her hands, he wouldnt touch them, he didnt want to know if they were cold, he didnt want to feel the weight and have to process that she really was both far gone and right in front of him. He also didnt think he could let go. It was easier than seeing her face, everytime he did he would wait for a twitch, slight movements of even just imaging that she would open her eyes.  

“They say she’ll wake up.” her sister broke the silence. “But i kind of expect her not to.”

“Dont say shit like that.” 

“What? She already gave up, matt. She gave up on me long before that.”

“No she didnt and you know that. He forced her to leave. She didnt understand what was happening and you cant blame her for that.”

She scoffed and stood up from the seat, pacing with her hands on her hips. “Im allowed to be upset.”

“You are but can you not do it while shes laying in front of you in a fucking hospital bed?! You dont think she knew she shouldnt have left? You think she never hated herself for it? Any amount of anger you have for anything shes done, she has for herself a million times over. You dont get to be angry, not right now.”

He felt a hand atop his own, forcing his head sharply around to face the one staring up at him. Her eyes were slowly adjusting to the light of the room, wanting to reach up at rub at them but was disturbed by the wires attached to her. 

“H-hey its okay, keep your arm still.”

She groaned at the instruction, moving her other arm in an attempt to pull it out. Matt held her arm back quickly. “No, stop!” he chuckled further seeing her eye roll in disapproval. 

She rested her head back against the pillow, staring directly at matt. He rubbed soothing patterns onto her arm with his thumb, she gave him a little wave and a small smile.

“hi,” he whispered, admiring the life in her eyes. All his feelings were rushing to him, the ache hed tried to buried down had been set free, tears beginning to brim in his eyes. 

She had a look of guilt, reaching up to hold his face in one of her hands. He leaned down to complete the gesture, smiling past the feeling of tears falling down his cheeks. She shook her head at him, frowning. 

“Im okay,” he sniffed, “i just love you.”

He placed kisses on her wrist as she caressed his face with her thumb. “Im sorry too.”

PLEASE READ

its really hard to know when ive made a mistake.

Im so used to assuming everything ive done was wrong because ive never been treated otherwise. Its been hard to wrap my head around the changes since staying with matt. Not everything i do is a mistake, except this time, i think it was. 

I dont think hes mad. Hes not angry, i know angry. I think he wishes i was different. He wants me to be the girl from a few years ago that hung off his every word and could talk for myself - the girl that would talk to him. I cant anymore. Matt wants me to explain why i left, why i went back to him. I dont know how to explain that i barely understand it either. 

I needed the passport, but matt doesnt know that. He doesnt know that i have it at all. I didnt actually have to go back there, i couldve explained myself to matt and got a new one. He wouldve figured a way around it. I dont understand why i ignored the alternatives and i definitely cant explain everything im thinking and feeling to matt. Even though i know he would listen. He would try. 

I wake up more comfortably than im used to, wrapped up in gentle arms. Im layed on my side facing away from him, holding onto his arm thats around my waist. Matt tells me to wake him up when i do, we dont usually get up straight away but he knows i dont like the quiet. I like when he talks to me. I wake him up the same way each morning, intertwining my fingers with his. Matts breathing morphs into one long deep inhale as he pushes closer to me and hugs me closer. He keeps our hands locked together. 

Not long after i turn around, shifting his grip on me so i can look into his eyes. He smiles in response, muttering good morning greetings and pulling me to rest my head in the crook of his neck.

Its nothing like im used to. I would wake up alone, that haunted empty house, in that empty room. He'd leave me alone every morning. He'd leave me to clean up the ruined bed sheets, to clean up my own blood and soothe my own bruises. I used to be convinced i was dead, at least when i was alone. Maybe thats why i kind of liked when he would come home. He would actually look at me, that used to be enough. Enough to feel like i was alive. 

But even now i dont feel it. Its not matts fault. He really tries, he always talks, he makes sure i know hes there and that i know he sees me. I havnt told him directly but i think he understands anyway. I never usually have to hide my emotions because usually no ones there to see them. But matts always there, and he always helps. 

“you okay?” he whispers, i wrap my arms around the back of his neck to pull him closer in response.

He reciprocates the gesture in response until hes laying on top of me. Its weird to me that i dont hate the feeling. Sometimes i feel guilty for it, i feel guilty that i know i want even more. Its easier because he doesn't force anything. He doesn't need it. For matt, its not my sole purpose. Not like it used to be. 

“anything you wanna do today?” he mumbles, eyes shut from comfort. I tap his shoulder with my finger twice. 

we have a vague system for communication. Certain hand gestures to mean certain things, tap twice is no and tap once is yes. But theres also the whiteboard. It used to be too overwhelming, not only having to form my thoughts into complete sentences but having to write them down. It felt almost awkward to reveal them as if they were sacred. It doesnt feel stupid anymore, especially when i see how excited matt gets when i want to tell him something. I kind of dont want my voice back. 

“hungry?”

I tap twice.

“no?” he chuckles. “just wanna stay here?”

I tap once, giggling in sync with him.

Its been a few weeks since i went back. Im somewhat sure that he doesnt know where i am. I always worry that with matts youtube career that he will figure it out but matt has assured me that theres no way for that to happen. 

I havnt tried to tell matt what i went back for. He was curious but when i avoided the question he took the hint. I dont know what he assumed but my ideas worry me more so i try not to think about it. 

Eventually we worked ourselves out of bed, much to my refusal. He ended up having to carry me in his arms to the kitchen, setting me down gently on my feet without separating the embrace. I stubbornly held onto him as he shifted across the tile floor to get himself a drink. He finally got the things he wanted before picking me back up to walk us both to the couch. I positioned myself on his lap towards him, cradling his face and tracing my thumb over the stubble on his cheeks. He watches as i do it, analysing my features and smiling at his own thoughts.

As much as i love it all, i dont think i ever stop feeling guilty. I abandoned everyone i cared about for my ex. All my family and friends. I left my sisters who had always stuck by my side no matter the reckless decisions i made. Matt helps it all. But it shouldnt be easy, im supposed to have those difficult apologies yet im here, still not speaking. I know i could by now. But its easier not to. Staying here is easier. I dont deserve easy after how i treated people. I need to make amends. 

Matts smile fades as he watches my happy expression diminish. “hey, whats wrong?”

I slowly retract my hands from his face to point at myself. 

“you?”

I nod. 

I watch as his eyebrows furrow in confusion. He doesnt know what i mean but he doesnt want to ask. He doesnt like telling me that he doesnt understand what im trying to say. I climb off his lap to grab the whiteboard. From lack of confidence i dont place myself back where i was but beside him. Matt pulls me back onto him regardless, his thumb caressing my thigh as i stare blankly at the board. 

“Take your time.”

I slowly type it out. I know matt will let me but the change that will occur will be swift regardless. I want to take my time while i can. 

I look towards his expression, a continued lack of anger or any negative emotion. He gives a small smile in reassurance. I finally turn the board over.

He takes his time reading it, but i saw how his heart dropped to the bottom of his chest. The negative emotions setting in for the first time since i told him i went to my ex’s house. 

“You wanna see your sisters?” i nod. “Yeah, we can do that.” he small smile returns but its genuinity doesnt. He knows i dont only want to see them. 

I wipe away by first lines to write the rest of them down. 

‘ i want to go on my own ’

By the time i turn it over, he knew it was coming. Hes not angry. I think he just misses me already. 

I spend time writing out an explanation about the passport, telling matt why i need to go back for my sisters and why i want to do it alone. Matt takes one firm decision to decide at least the travelling wont be on my own. He also explained that hes able to contact my sisters but hadnt done it yet. He wanted me to be ready but didnt want to bring it up and pressure me into it. He also didnt want me to feel guilty. The fact i already do isnt his fault though. I was partially shocked he was able to contact them which matt read from my expression. 

“I wanted to uh- to know if they heard from you. So i check in on them two a lot.”

I started internally spiraling over how much i mustve hurt them all. What if my sisters dont want to see me?

“They miss you a lot. But they understand why you did it.” he pulls me closer for a hug, “they just want you to be okay.”

I cant help but let the tears start flowing. I dont want to upset anyone and i dont know how to explain myself. I havnt felt this deeply in so long. Im technically free but i dont feel it. I have to leave the only place ive felt truly safe to apologise. It feels almost ironic, i know more of how what happened to me was wrong. Yet i still feel like the villain. Ive always feared abandonment but im the one who doesnt stick around. Its all my fault. 

a/n this is such an old au and ik it'll most likely flop but those few that like this au really love it so I wrote it anywayssss I love these two so much c:

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