#blossumfully

One minute you’re collapsed on your bedroom floor crying because you don’t think you’ll ever get over him and then it’s a few months later and you’re singing to your favourite songs again, the sinking feeling in your stomach is gone and you feel like you can finally breathe. You realise just how powerful and amazing you are because you’ve gotten through it. You watched him stop loving you and it almost destroyed you, but you didn’t let it. You didn’t let him ruin your life. So this is for the people who found the power to sing their songs again, you really can do anything. And for the people who are still on their bedroom floor, you will get through this. And when you do, you’ll never want to stop singing again.

I am finally starting to feel the sun on my face and inside my heart.

So you’re not completely over him yet, so what? Maybe you haven’t managed to stop stalking his profile when you’re feeling lonely and you still keep his number saved in your phone. But maybe you’ve already deleted all of your pictures together and when you type out a message to him you don’t press send like you used to. So what if you still cry about him and miss him? It doesn’t mean you aren’t healing. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t letting him go. And it certainly doesn’t mean you haven’t let parts of him go already. It’s not about focusing on how far you’ve still got to go, it’s about realising how far you’ve come already.

Sometimes you can’t go back. Sometimes you try anyway. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you try to go back with someone and they show you why you shouldn’t. They show you that you can’t. They show you that you’ve changed but they haven’t. They make you realise going back would be the worst possible thing you could ever do and even if you don’t realise it, you can’t go back anyway. Sometimes you go back with someone and it’s different. It’s not a good different and it’s not a bad different but it’s still painful. It’s a “this is what we are now” different. It’s having to hear about their life once a week through a phone call when you used to see them every day and hearing them tell you stories you wish you were in. Sometimes you have to accept that people can come back after they’ve left but it won’t be in the same way. Sometimes you want to go back, so badly, but you can’t. Sometimes it’s not your choice. Sometimes the other person doesn’t want to. That’s probably the worst realisation. You can hope and pray that they’ll go back and you’ll be happy with them again but they won’t change their mind. Sometimes you just can’t make them, no matter how hard you try.  Sometimes you’re not allowed to go back and you’re forced to move forward. And sometimes, that isn’t always a bad thing.

You leaving me was like a death. I don’t like to think that you stopped loving me. I like to think the part of you that loved me died. So when people ask if I am heartbroken, I tell them no. I tell them that I am grieving. Because when someone leaves, you hope they’ll come back. But when someone dies, you accept that they can’t.

the start of the year was extremely difficult for me. i went through a horrific break up with someone i thought would love me forever. i lost my closest friend when i needed her the most and it was like two break ups at once. my mother and i stopped talking because she was neglecting our relationship. i felt hopeless. i felt like i had no one. i felt that i didn’t have anyone close to me that i could reach out to anymore. i couldn’t even be left alone because i’d have severe panic attacks and would cry for hours on end unable to stop. because of how bad my mental health was and how bad i was feeling on the inside it began to show on the outside. my eyes had dark circles and were puffy from crying every morning. i had massive dry sore patches of skin all over my face and spots everywhere on my once clear skin. my lips were always bleeding because i constantly picked at them so anxiously. it was an extremely difficult time in my life and i didn’t think i’d ever get through it or over it but i did. i reached out to old friends i had written off and mended bridges i thought were burned. i let go of my ex boyfriend little by little everyday. accepting that he was no longer the person he once was. and even now i still let pieces of him go. but that’s okay. i’m still learning and i’m still growing. i talk to my family more. my mother reached out to me and i let her and we fixed what was broken. my closest friend tried to but i couldn’t let her. sometimes you can’t let someone back in when they’ve already had too many chances. sometimes you want to. but sadly sometimes you physically can’t. i accepted she was a different person too and i wished her the best. i still cried. but the important thing is i moved on from the people that hurt me. some i forgave and let back in. some i forgave but kept out. some i realised would never ask or want my forgiveness. but i forgave them anyway. so this message is to the person who feels like they’ve just lost everything. who feels like their world has just come crumbling down around them. it does eventually get better. it won’t be easy at first but eventually you’ll realise why people have to leave. when you grow and change as a person you’ll realise that it wouldn’t have happened if they were by your side and that’s okay. and today when i seen my grandmother she told me that she hasn’t seen my skin look so good in a while and she smiled. with tears in her eyes she said “your skin is getting better because you’re getting better.” and i don’t think there was anything better she could’ve possibly said to me in that moment that would’ve made me realise how far i’ve come and how much i’ve grown. growing into the person you’re meant to be won’t be easy and it’ll hurt like hell but it’ll worth it. just have faith and trust that there are better people who are going to come into your life and they’ll make you forget about the ones who left.