#blorbo bash

CLARK KENT (Smallville)

What a sexy, sexy, dumb time the 2000s were. No one proved that better than Clark Kent, truck-sized himbo of the first order. No matter how weird, or rushed, or completely unhinged the plots became, what made the show work was Clark’s seemingly limitless empathy and drive to help people. Which didn’t necessary mean do the right thing. Clark wasn’t the most “interesting” character, but he was the most sweet and reliable. And the most likely to take off his shirt and get hosed down with sex mist or something. 

Best Blorbo Moments: any ‘red K’ ep, Heat,  Relic, Spell, Blank, Mortal

Blorbo-in-Law: not really part of a set in the way the others are! Chloe is who I wanted to be and I shipped them fiercely but it feels less ‘blorbo-in-law’ and more ‘my two favorite characters should kiss.’

SAM WINCHESTER (Supernatural)

Okay, listen. Do I think he’s the best nowwww? But I couldn’t resist a good bitchface when it was presented to me. Wait a second, I’m not gonna defend myself to you. Sam Winchester fucking rocks. Dean was funny and flashy and ‘cool,’ Sam could actually tell you what the fuck was happening and back it up with hours of research. I like people who can cite things! After his girlfriend dies in the pilot, Sam is also the mopey heart of the early seasons. I can’t resist a true romantic, an excellent piner, and hey…maybe throw some psychic abilities in there?

Best Blorbo Moments: Nightshifter, Born Under A Bad Sign, Bad Day at Black Rock, Mystery Spot

Blorbo-in-Law: The one, the only, Dean Winchester. Jerk.

PETER PETRELLI (Heroes)

Don’t laugh. Peter and his beautiful locks of hair and his wide eyes of hope in something bigger and greater than himself and his many, many hoodies hit 16-year-old me straight in the heart. His empathic powers (the ability to ‘borrow’ the powers of those around him after being in proximity) were, to me, the coolest concept on the show. Maybe he was selfish, or whiny, or single-minded, but he also belonged to the most fucked up family in New York so all told he’s doing pretty well. Gotta love the cute little black dress of fandom (he looks good on everyone).

Best Blorbo Moments: Pilot, Six Months Ago, The Fix

Blorbo-in-Law: Would be Nathan Petrelli but he’s a total asshole.

JAMES ROBERT ‘JAMIE’  MCCRIMMON (Doctor Who)

Oh Jamie. Jamie Jamie Jamie. My sweet baby James. I don’t write a thesis for just anyone. Have you ever experienced a warm blanket of a character? Someone who has real strengths and faults but whenever you think of them their personality kind of just coalesces into fuzziness and rainbows? Reasons I love Jamie: is the Doctor’s first best friend, frequently calls the Doctor out on his bullshit, often yeets himself at the nearest villain, incredibly adaptive to his surroundings, strong sense of self-worth despite being around technobabbling braniacs all day, incredibly funny, is cute as a button. Jamie is so capital G ‘Good,’ the Daleks chose him to represent all of humanity's strengths in determining their Human Factor. Come for the ‘oh, aye’s and Beatles haircuts, stay for the trauma of surviving Culloden and getting mindwiped.

Best Blorbo Moments: The Highlanders, Evil of the Daleks, Enemy of the World, The War Games

Blorbo-in-Law: The Second Doctor. Like it could be anyone else in the history of the cosmos.

STEVE ROGERS (Marvel)

Funnily enough, I wasn’t that much of a fan of the first Captain America movie. It was too cartoony for me at a time when I was tired of the 1940s acting as merely a twee backdrop for stories (I’ve learned to appreciate it since then). Leading up to The Avengers, though, I started looking at comics and reading about the relationship history of Steve Rogers and Tony Stark. While my idea of the character was a weird mix of Chris Evans being absolutely dreamy and the storylines that had only been in comics, I eventually came to realize, damn I really like this guy. Forced to define himself and his relationship to responsibility and duty in a completely new age, build a new family, live up to a way over-idealized version of himself, and grieve for the life he never got to have - Steve Rogers deserves all the hot cocoa and marshmallows in the world. 

Best Blorbo Moments: Uh…Winter Soldier I guess? Maybe selected scenes of Civil War? Marvel did him SO SO dirty.

Blorbo-in-Law: Tony Stark. Suck it, Stucky.

ILLYA KURYAKIN (The Man from U.N.C.L.E.)

Why be a sane human being when you can be Illya Kuryakin? Don’t let his outward, reserved, Russian ice prince demeanor fool you. On the inside, this man is absolutely unhinged. He first came to light as an particularly brutal opponent, quickly dispatching enemy agents with a precision and callousness that makes his partner Napeleon look downright incompetent. But as the series develops, so does Illya’s character. Prone to being philosophically flirty (“no man is free who works for a living but I am available”), catty for no particularly reason except to make Napoleon suffer, equipped with really weirdly specific and grotesque threats (“I’ll have his teeth for cufflinks”), with grandiose dreams of fomenting a rebellion of the people with his speechifying, the man who insists on conducting his affairs as part of the furniture inevitably attracts a lot of attention. Not that he cares. In one case a woman practically drags him into her bedroom and he replies with, “that’s nice, but unnecessary.” Did I mention that all the villain girlies also love him? Must be the way he bruises up so nice.

Best Blorbo Moments: The Bow Wow Affair, The Gazebo in the Maze Affair, The Project Strigas Affair, The Children’s Day Affair, The Foreign Legion Affair, The Concrete Overcoat Affair

Blorbo-in-Law: The set wouldn’t be complete without Napoleon Solo. Everything Illya is not and so much better for it.

KERR AVON (Blake’s 7)

Sam is a book nerd. Illya is a lab nerd (he has a physics degree from the Sorbonne or whatever). Avon is maybe the nerdiest character that has ever existed on screen. A computer technician of the distant future, he frequently fights with computers and machines but understands the logic of A to B. What he can’t figure out is why his stupid emotions keep getting in the way of making smart, safe decisions. Loudly and frequently complaining that the leader of the rebellion, Blake, will get them all killed, Avon always sticks around so that they won’t be. I’ve never seen a character arc quite so unique and impactful as Avon’s. You literally watch him descend into madness while his humanity gets wiped out piece by piece, and it’s all pretty much his own fault. It’s awful and tragic, and it’s true: blorbo from my shows is having so, so many difficulties.

Best Blorbo Moments: Deliverance, Shadow, Countdown, Star One, Aftermath, Rumours of Death, Terminal, Blake

Blorbo-in-Law: Roj Blake - smart man who wants to do good in the world. Lol. Lmao.

KEN ‘HUTCH’ HUTCHINSON (Starsky & Hutch)

If you haven’t noticed, I currently have zero chill about this man, so this probably won’t be the most measured or articulate of blurbos. I mean, the man is sunshine and daisies to me. Starsky & Hutch is a show that’s specifically about two people in love. That is the whole entire damn plot. Watch these two people, who happen to be cops, be in love with each other. It’s wonderful. The world doesn’t suddenly fix itself - these two have to deal with all kinds of awful murders and kingpins and rapists - but Hutch and Starsky having each other at the end of the day means it’s another day to be alive. As originally conceived, Hutch was supposed to be the college educated, midwestern, middle class thinker to Starsky’s (Jewish New Yorker) impulsive man of the street. While traces of that character still exist, instead Hutch is a neurotic, grumpy, hippie type filling his house with dozens of plants (he eventually gets a greenroom) and complaining about being assigned a call number instead of a name. Except when he’s playing guitar or cooking a candlelit dinner for Starsky or drunk calling a sports team front desk to sign up to be quarterbacks because Starsky is grieving and they don’t want to be cops anymore. I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface here. HUUUUUUUUUTCH