i still think about you, still love you, still miss you, still care about you. our lives are so different now, we haven’t spoken in so long i have forgotten how my name sounds coming from your mouth. everyone says it’s your last love that’s the most important, but my first love was the one that taught me the most about myself. it showed me my capacity to love and how hard it is to let go of someone. it’s not true, by the the way. if you love something and let it go hoping that one day it will come back to you, “when the time is right”, it won’t. it will stay gone. the truth is, time goes by and they stop waiting and you’re stuck hoping. then 3-4 years later you think back on what could’ve been and then you realize what is.

one day you’ll notice that she doesn’t write poems about your love or laugh anymore, and you’ll ask yourself if she has forgotten the way it felt to be so deeply in love. you’ll see her with a new lover, she’ll be wearing a smile kind of like the one she wore just for you; slightly crooked and beaming light. it’s then that you’ll realize she has not forgotten how it feels to be in love, she has only forgotten how it feels to be in love with you. you’ll mourn her for years even though you’re the one who broke her heart in the first place, something in you wishes you would have realized you were breaking yours too. you’ll spend time praying to a god you’re not even sure you believe in (you don’t), and you’ll ask him to give you just one more shot. the prayers will go unanswered. at some point late nights will fade into early mornings as you lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wishing that it was her eyes you were getting lost in, wishing you could see how soft they got for you just one more time. you told yourself when you let her go that what is yours will always make it back to you, but she never has and she never will. you’ve lost count of the amount of times you pick up the phone to text her, writing the same message and deleting it over and over again. you wish that you told her you loved her before you lost her. you wish that you could tell her again.