Okay so... I never expected to live to see 40. I really thought that my mental health issues would win, well before now. I've been suicidal since I was a teenager, largely in a passive sense, but it's always there. And because of that, I have found it very difficult to make goals for myself. I struggled with becoming an adult, with growing up, with keeping up with my peers, despite having been the "mature, old soul" as a child. While everyone else was thriving in college, meeting people and getting married and having children, I was still trying to figure out how to navigate the change between high school and college.
I still feel behind everyone. I still have not reached the goals I wanted for myself by 25. Things that I do not think are attainable for me anymore, but I think I do want to make a goal now: I want to find the weird kid I was before all the bullying and the failures changed me. I want to embrace the person who still played, when other people did not. I want to wear clothes that make me comfortable and happy and not care what other people think about them. I want to go out in the rain and take a walk, just to enjoy the sights and the smells and the quiet.
I am working on doing those things. I am getting more comfortable being me (though that's not saying much), and it's mostly when I'm away from other people. I can unmask at home. I try not to care what other people think about my clothes. I want to find a way to embrace that little weirdo who didn't care, who had not been broken down yet... I deeply envy people who are so unapologetically themselves. I would like to get there.
