#bitterpain

ᴵᶜᵒⁿˢ ; “ᵛᵃˡᵏʸʳⁱᵃ” ˢʰⁱʳᵃʸᵘᵏⁱ

~ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴄɪɴɢ ᴀᴘᴏᴘᴛᴏꜱɪꜱ ᴅᴏʟʟ: ꜱᴀʀᴛᴀɪɴ ɪɴ ʟᴏᴠᴇ

ᴮʸ ᵀᵒᵐⁱʸᵃᵏⁱ ᴷᵃᵍⁱˢᵒʳᵃ

ᴵᶜᵒⁿˢ ; ᴶⁱⁿˣ ⁽ᴾᵒʷᵈᵉʳ⁾

~ ᴀʀᴄᴀɴᴇ

ᴮʸ ᶠᵒʳᵗⁱᶜʰᵉ ᴾʳᵒᵈᵘᶜᵗⁱᵒⁿˢ

ᵃⁿᵈ ᴿⁱᵒᵗ ᴳᵃᵐᵉˢ

ᴄᴡ; ᴋɪɴɴɪɴɢ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀɪᴢᴀᴛɪᴏɴ & ᴠᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ

ᴛᴡ; ᴀʙᴜꜱᴇ & ᴛʀᴀᴜᴍᴀ

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

Take responsibility.. .!

Take responsibility for the way you’ve hurt me. You left me alone. You surrounded me with suffering, exposed me to cruelty. All in the name of your love.

That little girl.. .

. . ..vulnerable and helpless..

You taught her the wrong idea of love. The wrong idea of family and life. You intoxicated her, corrupted her, slowly killed her.. .

You call me irresponsible and dependent.

And maybe I am.. .

. ..but if I am, it’s because of you.. .

If I’m dependent, it’s because of you.

If I’m irresponsible, it’s because of you.

If I’m unempathetic, it’s because of you.

If I’m cruel, it’s because of you.

If I’m despicable, it’s because of you.

You made me this way..!

So take responsibility, damnit.. .!

Be an adult, auntie.

Take responsibility for doing this to me!

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

“ It’s okay, don’t cry.. . .

They’re wrong.

You’re not incompetent.

You’re not useless. You’re not worthless.

You’re not a disgrace, failure.. . or, mistake.

. . … . . .

. .. .

You’re Perfect. ”

ᴛᴡ; ᴅɪꜱᴄᴜꜱꜱɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴍᴜʀᴅᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʀᴀᴜᴍᴀ.

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

“ Satou’s Heart and the Canary.. . . ”

“ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴏᴜɴᴅ ᴏꜰ ʀᴀɪɴ, ᴇᴄʜᴏɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ, ꜰᴀʟʟꜱ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛ. ”

I often see people describe Satou as unemotional, lacking empathy or guilt. And yet, while I can see the reasoning, I’d have to personally disagree. Satou does have emotions, and that belief is rooted in a single bird;

Shouko Hida.

                   . . ·̩̩̥͙.* ·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙*˚·̩̩̥͙ . .

In Happy Sugar Life.. . . Shouko is Satou’s best friend. Someone she can rely on and trust to understand her. To stay through thick and thin and accept Satou for all her flaws..

And yet, that’s all but a façade. After all, Satou has stated she feels nothing for Shouko several times. I mean, she is shown to lack genuine happiness when around her other classmates and co-workers. People she’s supposed to love and be close with.. .

And so, it’s the same with Shouko.. . . right..?

If I just watched the anime, I might have believed that, because the scenes the anime deleted add so much more to the story. And with that, the manga contains specific scenes that show Satou’s empathy.. .

. . . . . . .

Through out the beginning volumes, we see Shouko continuously watching Satou in the background. We hear her thoughts and doubts, and of course, her questions about Satou and her situation. Eventually, these feelings spill out as Shouko confesses her love to Satou and asks her to let Shouko in.

This is the first scene where I began to question the portrayal of Satou as unemotional. Satou’s dialogue, faces, and actions.. . The way she pauses, taking in Shouko’s declaration.. .How she silently comprehends the concept of Shouko and friends, before laughing to herself.. .

How the teacher, watching this, states that Satou looks different than when she’s around school friends. That she looks genuinely happy and close to Shouko.

The fact, that after Shouko’s confession, Satou genuinely lets Shouko in.. .She shows Shouko her aunt. Her trauma, the person that has messed up Satou and still negatively impacts her today. The way Satou protects Shouko from her aunt and seems genuinely hurt and betrayed by Shouko’s silence. Her depressing face.. . Her questioning of what friends are to Shio.. . Her thoughts of Shouko thinking that Satou is like her aunt.

. ..That she..like her aunt, must be strange.

“ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʏᴏɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʟᴀꜱꜱ, ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴀʟᴍᴏꜱᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴀ ꜱɪɴɴᴇʀ. ᴡᴇ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜ ᴇᴀᴄʜ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ. ɪꜰ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ᴇᴀᴄʜ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴀᴛ ꜱᴏᴍᴇ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ, ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ᴡᴇ ʙᴇ ꜰᴏʀɢɪᴠᴇɴ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ᴡᴏᴜɴᴅꜱ.”

After Satou kills Shouko, unlike what some except, she feels guilt. Yes, she breaks down after the event because to her, it means the end of her castle with Shio. But, she is also shown to break down and be emotional towards Shouko and her death. Satou refers to everyone outside as impurities, except Shouko. She remembers her when Shio ran off. She saw her body, and froze in shock and numb dissociation. When Shouko’s body fell on top of her, Satou’s mind screamed as the terrible feelings began piling up.. . As the guilt began piling up, and the reality of what she’s done begins to cloud her mind.

Shouko was someone she felt genuine and happy with, someone that even after she felt betrayed by, still held positive feelings for. And out of all the people Satou hurt and manipulated.. . Shouko was innocent.

“ ᴄᴀɴᴀʀʏ, ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱɪɴɢɪɴɢ ᴠᴏɪᴄᴇ ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɢʜᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘɪᴇʀᴄᴇᴅ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ ꜰᴏʀᴇꜱᴛ. ɢᴏᴏᴅʙʏᴇ, ɪ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʀɪʟʟɪᴀɴᴛ ᴄᴏʟᴏᴜʀ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ. ɪ'ʟʟ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴀᴠᴇʀᴛ ᴍʏ ᴇʏᴇꜱ, ᴜɴᴛɪʟ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʜᴀꜱ ᴇɴᴅᴇᴅ. ”

And when Satou describes all of the bitter and terrible things in her life.. . Somethings off. At first, you might realize, that Shouko isn’t in the panel. But if you look closer, you’ll find her in the background, covered by other memories and… not crossed out. Satou cares for Shouko, no matter how hard she tries to tell herself and others she doesn’t. And I have a belief on why she tries so hard to push away these feelings.

I don’t believe Satou lacks empathy or emotions, rather, I believe she is experiencing something called emotional numbness and dissociation. Satou often describes her experiences by saying she feels empty or just absolutely nothing. Satou has stated that she feels nothing towards others, nothing when they hangout or say they love her. She talks about how it brings her constant pain, and leaves her hopeless, trying everything to feel something.

Emotional numbness is a copeing technique, often used in the face of overwhelming stress, where a person may detach themself from their emotions. Each person experiences it differently, but it is commonly described as feeling empty, hopeless, despondent, lacking a future, moving on autopilot, and or feeling disconnected from everything.. . as if the world is superficial.

I bring up this topic, not just because of the research I’ve done, but also because of my own experiences. I have experienced emotional numbness and dissociation for years, and Satou’s monologues feel so familiar to me.. . even relatable.

To discuss personal experiences.. . In the past, I was in a dark place, constantly depressed and stressed. I had moments where I would reminisce my thoughts, feelings, and traumatic experiences to an overwhelming degree. My body, in an attempt to cope with that stress, would make me numb. This same experience continued to happen, over and over, until one day.. . I simply woke up numb.

To me, emotional numbness was an emptiness gnawing on your chest. It was loosing all connection, empathy, and love for both the world and those close. The days were, as Satou might describe, filled with all the same bitter and pointless moments. They had no meaning… . . Emotional numbness was something I experienced for years, and as the days passed, only became worse. I felt disconnected from my friends, as if all my empathy and care for them was drained out. (And I felt like a disgusting person for that) Along with that, I could no longer differentiate and understand my emotions—Calmness and anxiety, happiness and sadness. I couldn’t tell the difference. And this is something that to this day, two or three years later, still negatively impacts me.

And returning back to Satou.. . This lack of understanding, rather than full lack of emotions, can be shown in the first volume when Satou stops herself from killing Asahi. After ward, she has a moment by herself (in the alley) where she contemplates the meaning of this feeling. She has difficulty processing and identifying this emotion of jealously, something that people like me, experience with emotional numbness.

“ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜɪᴘᴘᴇᴅ ᴘᴀʀᴛꜱ, ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜᴀʀᴘ ᴘᴀʀᴛꜱ, ᴏᴜʀ ᴍᴜᴛᴜᴀʟ ꜰᴏʀᴍꜱ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴡᴇ ᴄʜᴇᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴛᴏᴏ, ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪꜱ ᴇᴍᴘᴛʏ.. . ”

So, when Satou declares she feels nothing for Shouko.. . When she shows all the bitter people in her life, hiding Shouko and her lack of scratches.. I don’t see an unemotional or empathetic individual, rather, someone trying to cope with their actions and deny any emotional connection.

Shouko’s death destroyed Satou’s castle. It made her more likely to get caught and arrested.. But, Shouko’s death also destroyed her castle metaphorically. Satou is not emotionless. She is able to feel love towards others outside of Shio. And Shouko, wasn’t an impure or disgusting individual. She was one who was caring and did her best to help Satou, while keeping her morals. All of Satou’s reasoning and justifications for her actions and feelings, don’t apply to Shouko. Her morals are crumbling, and with that, her castle.

She can no longer justify her actions.. .

She is not emotionless.. .

                   . . ·̩̩̥͙.* ·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙*˚·̩̩̥͙ . .

“ ɢᴏᴏᴅʙʏᴇ,

ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴀɪɴ ꜱᴛᴏᴘᴘᴇᴅ, ɪ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴡᴀꜱʜᴇᴅ ᴀᴡᴀʏ ʀɪɢʜᴛ? ”

~ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ꜱᴜɢᴀʀ ʟɪꜰᴇ

ᴮʸ ᵀᵒᵐⁱʸᵃᵏⁱ ᴷᵃᵍⁱˢᵒʳᵃ

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

.

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· —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– ·

[ I hope you enjoyed my first analysis on this account!! <3 This is a re-make of my old analysis, here. I attempted to make this version more concise, in-depth, and pretty. ]

Ending credits;

- Qoutes, from the Happy Sugar Life Manga and the ED “Canaria” by ReoNa.

- Emotional Numbness / Blunting

“ I thought, maybe you could love me like you used to. Even though I’m.. . different.

But you you’ve changed too.. . ”

ᴵᶜᵒⁿˢ ; ᴶⁱⁿˣ ⁽ᴾᵒʷᵈᵉʳ⁾ ᵃⁿᵈ ⱽⁱ

~ ᴀʀᴄᴀɴᴇ

ᴮʸ ᶠᵒʳᵗⁱᶜʰᵉ ᴾʳᵒᵈᵘᶜᵗⁱᵒⁿˢ

ᵃⁿᵈ ᴿⁱᵒᵗ ᴳᵃᵐᵉˢ

“ Thanks, Shouko-chan.. . mỷ̵͈ ̵̯̳͑b̸͓͉̒̀ē̴̮͓ș̸̮̀̋t̵̝͎̊̈́ ̴̨̰̓͝f̷̦͔̍̓ȑ̷̮͘į̷̠̍ë̸͉̗́n̸̟̄͂d̸̢̮̃.. ”

~ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ꜱᴜɢᴀʀ ʟɪꜰᴇ

ⱽᵒˡᵘᵐᵉ ⁴ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ ¹ ⁵

“ You must pay, for the sins you commit.. . ”

~ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ꜱᴜɢᴀʀ ʟɪꜰᴇ

ⱽᵒˡᵘᵐᵉ ³ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ ¹¹