#beyondthebridge

Aaronplaced the bag at his feet and turned to Robert, his hands shoved into histrouser pockets.  He's back in his suit(minus the tie), partly because it was the only decent thing he had with him,partly because he knew what it would do to Robert.

 He smiled,a half smile, a tentative smile.  Anunsure smile.  Robert returned it andthere was an elbow in his side – Liv, pushing him to properly greet hishusband.

 Robert'sarms around him feel familiar and at the same time there's something elsethere.  Something brewing.  Aaron can feel it vibrating through the softtremors in Robert's body into his own.

 "Imissed you," Aaron said.

 Robertnodded, once, and he licked his lips. "Just... tell me we're done with all this," he said.  "Being apart.  Keeping things from each other, letting thingsget that bad.  Tell me we're done withall of that."

 "Iwant to be," Aaron replied, the honesty a new thing he's trying out.  "I promise I'll try."

 "Metoo," Robert agreed.

 Chasdrives, Liv gets shotgun,  Across thebackseat their hands find each other and Robert's right hand finds Aaron'sleft, the ring back in place.  He holdsit, not the finger, and it's just as he did when they exchanged promises thenight before— before.

Things I wasn't meant to hear

The pub isofficially closed but it feels like half the village is in there to celebratehis homecoming.  Aaron doesn't mind buthe's not used to crowds after so long away, and certainly not groups who aren'tout to break ribs or crack teeth just because of who he is.

 He lies,saying he needs a piss, but walks past the loos and out the back door, leaning againstthe wall by the flower box.  He rememberswhen he stood here with Robert and was told (not for the first time) that hedeserved to be happy.  Maybe, just maybe,he could give it a go now.

 "Andyou really think now is the best time?"

 Robert'svoice came from the open window of the kitchen, raised in frustration.  Aaron gravitates towards it because Roberthas been that pull, that reason to survive for so long.  Plus he's curious.

 "Heneeds to know," Victoria said, her voice just as raised and just asfrustrated.

 "Ohyeah, right, 'cause that'll go down well. 'Nice to have you home, Aaron, missed you, and by the way I've beensleeping on the sofa while you're away because I didn't want to be in that bedwithout you—" At that Aaron smiles. "—and there's a part of me that'snot so sure I want to be in that bed now you're back.

 At thatthe smile disappears.

 "Youknow why he said those things, Rob.  Itwasn't him, it was—"

 "Itwas him, that's the thing.  Nothing Hollyever said was a lie, not even when she was going through withdrawal.  She would lie and manipulate for her fix,sure, but Aaron had that."

 "Youcan't really think he meant it?"

 "Idon't know."

 "Thenthis is why you need to talk to him."

 "Whynot?" Vic asked, and Aaron was glad because he wanted to know himself.

 "Because...what if he meant it?"

Things you said when you were crying

They're inthe Mill, partly because Aaron wants them to be able to shout.  Partly because he wants to see what they'vedone with the place.  After thediversionary tour, Aaron takes the proverbial bull and just comes out with it:

"I didn't mean it.  Any of it."

 Robertneeds a moment to catch up, but he does and he deflates for a second.  "Listening at the door?"

 "Window,"Aaron corrects.  "I needed somefresh air and your voice... carries."

 "Isthat why we're here?" Robert asks, catching on to the plan.  "So it can carry?"

 "Soyou don't have to hold back," Aaron said. "I didn't want—"

 "Oh,and now you're thinking of me?" Robert snaps, getting into this muchquicker than Aaron anticipated. "You are the only person, the onlyperson in the whole world who knows everything about me.  I trusted you with some of the most personal,painful things in my life and you throw them at me in public like that.  You know Chas wouldn't stop asking me whatyou meant by it, why I reacted that way."

 "I'ms—"

 "Oh,no, no you don't.  Because when I refusedto tell her she told Diane and Vic and they wouldn't let up.  Not one of them and they went on and on and Iwas so angry and so hurt that I ended up blurting out everything to them in thepub.  In public.  Everyone heard exactly what Dad did to me andI didn't have time to think about what I was saying or what I was doing.  And you put me in that position."

 "Rob—"

 "Youbroke me, Aaron," Robert said, his voice doing the same.  "All that time Paddy was going on aboutme breaking your heart, about me being the one to ruin everything."

 "I'm..."Aaron begins, but stops.  "I knewyou'd find a way to help me, you'd say something or do something and either I'dbe cut off from the supply or you'd make things a million times worse.  I was... barely surviving as it is and I knewyou'd do anything to try and make it better."

 "Sowhy not let me?"

 "Becauseyou wouldn't be able to do anything. You'd not let that stop you of course, but you'd keep fighting andpushing and trying and when it failed it would have broken you."

 "Soyou decide to do the breaking first?"

 "You'rebetter off without me—"

 WhenRobert started moving towards him Aaron's first thought was since when was I in some cheesy romanticmovie but Robert didn't kiss him, he grabbed him by the jacket and slammedhim into the nearest wall.

 "Aftereverything we have been through youare still pushing, still trying to look for how I'm getting out of this.  It doesn't matter to you that I stuck aroundand faced hell from your family and friends. It doesn't matter that I risked jail to try and help you, or that Iwould have died with you  if I couldn'tget you free.  It doesn't matter that Ihave spent weeks keeping our business running while doing this house up andlooking after Liv and trying so hard not to fall apart.

 "Whycan't you just let me be here for you? Why won't you let me fight with you, for you—"

 "Becauseeveryone else leaves!"

 Robert letgo as if Aaron had burned him.  In a wayhe had.  Liv had announced her intentionto go stay with her mum for a while ("They have tutors in Dublin too,Rob.  And besides.  You two need a proper break from me.")and Chas was due to go back to Prague to be with Sarah.  Everyone was leaving.

 Robertstepped back, his hands wiping at his face. "I won't—"

 "Youdid," Aaron cut across.  "Once.  You did. You left me and you went back to her every single time.  I begged you to stay with me and you went andgot married anyway.  You moved me in butI was out as soon as they were on their way home.  You left me, over and over and over and—"

 "Ialways came back.  I came back and I'mhere and I am not leaving you again." Robert's voice is small, quiet, wet with tears.  "So please don't make me leave."

 Aaronwants to go over to him, to hold him and kiss him and never let him go.  But this needs more than a movie scene.

 He holdsout his hand.

 "Staywith me?" he asks.

 Robertlooks at the hand first, then at Aaron with the same expression on his face:he's pretty sure his husband has gone mad.

 "Just...hold on and don't let go, no matter how much we get pulled about."

 Robertsteps forward enough to be within reach but he still doesn't do anything.  "I don't want to go, Aaron, and Iwon't... but if you keep pushing..." He stops.  Looks at the handagain.  His is halfway up to meetit.  "I need you to hold ontoo."

 Aaronnods, smiles the same nervous smile he had on that morning outside the prison,and Robert takes his hand.

Things you said after you kissed me

They talkfirst, curled up on the sofa that was delivered the day before.  The dust sheet is on the floor and theirshoes are next to it so they can tuck their feet under them.  It feels oddly domesticated in the middle ofa building site.

 It feelslike them.

 Aaronhears all about Robert's impromptu confession and how his relationships withhis sister and step-mum are still in the process of adjustment.  How it had been Cain of all people who'dbought him a drink and said that it wasn't right what happened to him, and thatit hadn't been his fault.  Glanced overat Kyle and said that no matter who his boy ended up loving, he just wanted himto be happy.

 Roberthad, of course, made the obligatory comment about how Cain's nephew made himhappy and he would always try to make Aaron happy, to which Cain had smiled andsaid: "Right answer."

 Aarontalked about the truth of prison: the loneliness, the isolation (turns outthey're too different things – who knew?), the beatings and Gordon's cell.  Of how much it hurt to have to say goodbye tohim and Chas and how six o'clock was always too far away and over toosoon.  How it hurt in a way he'd neverthought he could feel and how he longed for a blade.

 But therewere none so he lit up instead.

 How the wordstasted bitter in his mouth and he hated them but he meant them too and he can'tforget that.  He can't forget that heknew where to strike and he did and that he could do it again, a thousand timesover.  He swears he won't, not again,never again.  He won't ever abuse thattrust between them like that again.

 Roberttalked about school and head teachers and tutors, of a too-short sofa("Which is why this one is as big as it is.") and the butterfliesthat weirdly made him think of Aaron.  Becausethey're beautiful and fragile even though some are dangerous.  How they change who they are and grow intosomething more than they were.

 Aarontalked about changing his name but he's still who he was and he's not sure howhe feels about that.  He's not sure whatthat makes him because even a butterfly is still that caterpillar in a way.

 Robertsays nothing, he leans over and presses his lips to Aaron's.  Just once, just briefly.

 "You'remy husband.  That good enough?" heasks.