#bepatience

October 9

Hindi pako nakakapangalahati sa shift ko pero sinusubok na pasensya ko.

Me praying that my patience remains in all things.

I don’t want the pressures and expectations of what dating looks like these days.

Especially when just getting to know someone can feel like a damn race to the finish line of how much of yourself you’re willing to give and how soon you’re willing to give it all away.

They strive for immediate gratification filled with empty sentiments from a stranger, as though it somehow proves dedication, assurance and a guarantee that you’re not wasting their time.

And if you show any sign of doubt while you’re attempting to process how you might be feeling in regards to another,

as you naturally should,

you’re labeled as hesitant and unwilling to bend into their agenda. Which often times leads into them leaving in search of someone who doesn’t think as much — who will blindly leap into the fleeting unknown and call it love.

Clinging to those attention driven moments of what is needed to feel wanted and accepted by another human being.

We’re quick to lay down, strip our layers, hand over our hearts and toss a relationship status up before they have the time to remember the color of our eyes or what it means to truly hold us when the world feels as though it’s falling apart.

And just as dating is a process where you have to ride the wave, so is healing from heartbreak where allowing yourself to embrace even those darkest of ghostly thoughts is necessary.

Yet, we push it aside and numb the loneliness instead. Too afraid to be patient with ourselves. Too stubborn to care if the next object of affection will deepen our scars and create untamed storms inside of our minds.

Emotional inflictions that last much longer than the few weeks they spent creating them.

When does the pattern end?

When your trust and confidence is completely shattered?

When empty compliments, promises and words of worth fade into broken memories heard too many times you can no longer decipher what’s real anymore?

When your heart has completely hardened, prohibiting you from experiencing anything beautiful at the hands of someone who might have touched it delicately?

I’ve met my fair share of broken people. Those who pushed and pushed until they had nothing left to give.

It’s not romantic. It’s tragic.

It’s not easily reversed or cured overnight.

It’s lonely. It’s frustrating and exhausting.

It’s much like depression, where you never asked for it and you can’t explain it. But it eats away at you and steals your joy time and time again. Never knowing when things will get better or if they ever will. It’s defeating.

It’s hopelessness and beating yourself up for not being /normal/ like those who carelessly give it all.

So forgive me if I pause.

If I overthink and over analyze my every step, ensuring that I’m confident in taking the next leap towards you. It’s not because I don’t want to.

It’s because I know it takes more than a week to grow a bond worth falling into.

It’s because I yearn for more than what can be discovered under the intimate sheets of your bed. It’s because I want to know that my “hesitations” won’t easily scare you away into the arms of a man who’s readily available and reckless.

It’s because I refuse to be broken and choose to maintain a whole heart that’s ready to give to someone that’s not afraid to earn it.

I deserve that. You deserve that.

Told yourself you wasn’t really into something when you really are. When you know damn well you want to be loved like no other. You want to be viewed like a snack, a meal, a dessert everyday. You want to be someone’s wife one day. You want to be someone’s mama one day.

I’ve found myself saying I’m not really into something all because of the type of guys I’ve come across. I made my myself think I don’t like affection and now? Idk how to accept love. I don’t know how to be happy without feeling like it’s “too good to be true”. I don’t know how to accept a compliment or be appreciated. I made myself think I was alright and I shouldn’t express myself too much because then that person would be annoyed with me and leave me, and then I would end up having to pick up the sheets of wasted time with someone who already knew he wasn’t trying to stay with me for the long hall.

Guess what beloved. The man who is supposed to be your life partner will be just that, YOUR life partner. He will love you from your hair follicles to your toe nails. He will not mind listening to your voice all damn day. He may get annoyed with you, but it’s you, and he wouldn’t want to be annoyed by anyone else.