#belleyappin

You knew it was a total miatake to agree to his 'arrangements' in the first place.

Jake didn't even say those exact words. All he said was vaguely "hey, so um, I'll see you next time, right?" And you said yes to every 'next time' without a doubt. 

You would even argue with Katie if she questioned Jake's intentions. "Seriously? A playboy? Where has that man hater gone to, Hawaii?" She would say. 

But you didn't. Because you didn't even dare to let her know it was Jake that you were seeing. 

Instead, you open the door whenever he asks, "Can I come over?" 

He is always so polite, asking for your permission with full sentences followed by cute puppy stickers. Which you actually find cute not because the puppies are cute, but because he downloaded them after he found you using them. 

Your chat with him is kept cute like those gifts you'd receive from time to time from him. They'd be in all kinds of pink but wrapped in sapphire blue, because you didn't let anyone other than him know that you secretly liked pink. It'll ruin your reputation. 

Katie only knew him as 'the secret admirer' because of those gifts lying everywhere. She'd joke about how he had a chance because you still hadn't tell him to go away like you used to. You really didn't dare to tell her anything. 

You kept his clothes in a secret spot in your closet because you didn't want the room to smell like him. You hand washed the clothes if it were necessary. 

Worst thing is, Jake never questioned. If anything, he was even a bit excited every time something indicated he was your 'secret'. But then he would be smart enough to back off when you get all nervous and awkward since he was good at it. He was good at doing whatever this is. 

Your chat with him is kept with a clean, intimate aesthetic, because he never fought with you through text, nor does he fight with you in person. 

He just disappears into thin air.

No messages, no "hey you wanna hang out tonight", nor those notes he left in your backpack that says "you look good today." No nothing.

It's like the magic he performs usually where you could always run into him after class and during meals lost all its charms, like literally. When he showed up, the air would smell like cotton candy, not those that are stale and crunchy that have been made for a long time, but those fresh ones you're handed at a fair. THAT kind of magic dissolved every time the instant he grew distant.

There were a hundred things you could say about you and Jake. And that's what scared you. It's too complicated to explain, and yet you couldn't put a specific name on it. Well, it's obvious that he's familiar with all this process, and you don't want to think about it because you fall into that swirl where you fear you're just another face, another name, another one to put into the blank space. 

Refusing to type in "how to make a player fall in love" and press search is how you persuade yourself that you're not doomed. Not all pathetic and trying to 'make him right' when he is still in his early twenties. 

But those hundred things also made you think maybe you were lucky enough that even with all these hints you still kept it a secret between you and Jake. More importantly, he comes back every time after you patiently wait. That must mean something, right? 

You see, he does all those things, yet things that once in a while pop out keeps that bursting balloon well behaved. 

Like last Wednesday, which was supposed to be an efficient Wednesday with lots of work done, turns out to be a lazy day curled up in the couch watching 500 days of Summer. Jake was pretty feisty when you mentioned the film, talking about how he cannot with the thought of treating it as a comfort movie. You said nothing.

"How does one stand her?" Jake says after finishing the movie. He was lying on your lap, with you playing with his fluffy curly, way too perfect hair, not really paying attention to most of the scenes because you already have the lines memorized. 

"Who? You mean Summer?" He looked all frustrated and frowning. So not like the usual him. You stopped touching his hair.

"Yes! She was merely using him! Doing all those things then just disapper when she felt bored? What kind of person is she?" He sat up so fast that he almost hitted you in the face. "Sorry," he muttered under his breath.

"But she told him that in the start." You answered that calmly, and you knew he couldn't take that as an answer, but didn't want to take it out on you. He simply sighed, and went out of the living room, saying that he needed the bathroom. 

Funny how he was the one being all irritated and bothered, huh? When ironically, he's the one that's been doing all that shit. Worse, he never warned you for any of this, only a wink of his that lured you into all of this. 

But then his voice broke into your thoughts again. "Babe?" He called out walking back from the kitchen. "Do you wanna order pizza?"

"Sure!"

"I'm feeling a bit non-traditional today though, seafood?"

You answered after a moment of silence. "I'm allergic to shellfish Jakey."

"Oh!" He walked in front of the couch to face you fully. "Sorry, forgot."

"You know that tik tok that describes you never remember your friend's allergies? I'm so painfully like that. Like, can't remember a thing." He said while busy scrolling on the ordering app. 

Oh. Friends.

"Peperoni it is then?"

You act like you aren't hurt by his words, and you maintain a smile when he looked at you to confirm before he ordered. He smiled brightly, that smile that is melting your heart, back at you then turned his attention back to his phone again. 

Breathe, breathe hard, you told yourself. It was fine, at least you felt better than when you first heard similar words coming from him. It used to feel like a punch in the chest when you first heard those words, him saying "well it's okay because it's not like I like you that way or something" in your face and you looked at him with disbelief. He asked if you forgot something and you said yes you left your phone in the car. It was as ugly as it can be.

Now you just pretend you didn't hear that and move on with life. It's amazing how it heals so fast once you've trained it to do so because it happened so often. Like, you still noticed them in the first place, but they go in one ear, stay in your brain for a second, then fly out from the other ear. 

You simply held Jake back into your arms and said nothing. It was easy compared to what you knew would make him feel bored and walk away, and you wouldn't want that. 

Actually, to think of it, you don't feel bothered by it no more. You think you can even casually say "I love you" without flinching because you don't actually mean it. 

So you actually say it. What's gonna happen anyways?

"I love you, Jakey." 

"What?" You felt him go stiff after that sentence, and you giggled lightly. 

"Why are you all tensed up? I mean it in a platonic way, idiot." You continued to play with his hair and spoke in a dreamy way, mostly because his hair felt so nice. "Obviously I'm not gonna love bomb you like a psycho, you're much more like that, if I may point out."

Jake tried to reason it in his head like a fucking normal person. He is usually calm, casually fllirty and it's what gets him the name charmer. He had his way around in a nonharmful way and his was quite proud about it. 

But it was not until this moment that he realized that those ways weren't gonna work on you. 

His pupils were blown, his body was still. Jake felt like looking into your eyes but it didn't felt calming for he found out that he didn't know you anymore.

Who were you to accuse him to be psycho after saying that so casually? It was almost scary that you started to not care or act worried when he just decided there were more interesting things in life. 

One like Jake would never, never say "I love you." It's always about how HE made others feel. Never how he felt. 

Jake sat up, and you didn't try to hold him back.

It's weird how feelings sometimes work. Jake never knew I love you could sound so painful, making him feel so devastated. He could never say it out loud, yet you said it so easily, to HIM. He never understood the point of saying it and mean it, because he never gone so far to say it to others to mean it. Yet, people say it to him wholeheartedly so often. Never was he the one to receive I love with such casualness.

It messed him up so bad it hurts because he felt like being mocked. Why? Because he actually wanted to mouth those words back by reflex, then hesitated because he found them to be true. Then came your "in a platonic way."

Fuck you. 

Hmph. How sarcastic reality is. He looked blankly at the pizza slice in his plate, then at your face. He probably took more than a minute to decide his next move, merely staring at you and ignoring all the confused then worried face of yours. Which actually felt uncomfortable knowing it was a worry for a friend.

Too many words he should say after that realization. Too many emotions to be held in those words. Yet all he can mutter out at the moment is "I gotta go because something came up". Emotionless was the only word to describe his face when he stepped out of your apartment, away from you. The wind ouside in the night was chilly but he didn't feel a thing. 

He drove back to his own apartment, opened the door and ignored his roommates, slammed his room door that very second. He didn't care about the silence he left behind in your apartment, in the car, in his apartment's living room. 

He needed the silence. He needed it to think. 

He didn't even bother to smile to cover up the fact that he is not feeling well. There's too much in his head to process anyways.

Could he really admit the truth that he finally registered? He really wouldn't dare to, not because he never find himself in love before, but the fact that he wanted to say it back while meaning it, only meant that it was too strong for him to throw it away like he did in the past. Worse, you were the one to say it without meaning it first. 

Wasn't that what he wanted in the first place from every girl? To not get them attatched and keep it fun until he's not interested and leave without a doubt. It is probably no longer that way for he was no longer the one in charge. You, were in charge, although you had no idea that you do. 

Jake is no longer the one playing the game, but stuck in Jumanji. 

He knew he had to be quick, had to make the next move faster. 

He had to make use of the tears that were falling down. It was such an unfamiliar feeling because he rarely cried, and that's what made him realize that he had no choice but admit that he, the playboy, had fell for you, who he treated like all the girls before.

Your eyes when you mention your favorite ice cream flavor, and your hands when they softly patted his back whenever they were hugging eachother. They didn't seem particularly important when he thought them to be no difference from others. To be honest, he still couldn't tell why it was you on his way back. But that didn't matter at that moment. 

All that mattered was him standing in front of you again, trembling to say those 8 letters back to you. 

He apparently caught you off guard because you were on your way to your bedroom. Maybe to get some sleep because you were so used to his sudden leaves. That thought panged in his chest, unbelievably. 

You didn't even face him fully because it all happened so fast, when you simply opened the door for him and walked into the living room without a question. You didn't even have the chance to face him fully when the words blurted out. He called out your name then just like that, threw them into your face. 

"I love you," he said again, tears starting to fall from his eyes. That frightened you because he had never cried. You cry all the time during movies, but Jake never did. But you couldn't reply because he had more to say. 

"I don't blame you for not feeling the same, really. I know my reputation, hell I used to be proud of it." He swallowed while clenching his fist so hard because he needed the pain to have the courage to say what he wanted to say.

"But I won't stop loving you even if you don't." The pain in his voice was even more obvious than the look on his face, which was already enough for you to feel it and want to respond. 

That sad whimper of his like a sound from a puppy should work for you.

But you didn't comfort him. Was it because it was a reaction out of pity, not out of feeling the same? Jake couldn't tell. He absurdly found out that he couldn't figure out your emotions from your face anymore, when he needed it the most. 

He was fully lying. He didn't want you to say no. He wanted you to pity him, to say I love you back properly this time and give him what he wanted the most at that moment. 

Jake knew his strengths, he knew what the girls loved the most about him, and he was shamelessly using his own heartbreak to lure you into say yes. 

Patient, he told himself, while tears still falling off. Jake was almost about to be the biggest joke by being rejected by you, aka one of the girls, while crying. How pathetic. 

None of you moved for such a long time, so long that it were going to be the most awkward thing that ever happened to Jake in his life. Until you finally said something.

It wasn't something he wanted to hear, at least not good enough for him to tell the real story to anyone, not to even mention bragging. 

But it was good enough for him to consider that you said yes. 

"Okay," you said. It was calm, like the tone when you said I love you the first time, no breathing hard after, just accepting the fact that Jake just confessed to you. No matter how ridiculous that might sound to others' ears. 

Jake would take it. He would take "Okay" and even bathe in it. 

He didn't dare to doubt it although it sounded so suspicious, so weirdly calm for someone who should care. To think of it, he didn't even know why you would say yes after that whole 'incident' of you clarifying your 'I love you' and then accepting his plea without questioning the mental activities. 

Jake simply took you into his arms, embracing your warm body against his. Your hesitant movements to hug him back lightly didn't go unnoticed by him, but he had to claim that for now. He claimed his prize tightly for the right move since he couldn't come up with anymore further steps. 

He didn't dare to because he knew he would lose if he tried to escape afterward.

He didn't dare to burst into your room when he overheard you talking on the phone, saying you weren't sure you even liked him back at this point. But you were gonna try, because you find Jake cute when he's clingy. And it's all so refreshing. 

He didn't dare to confront you or even question your intentions, because he was afraid that everything would collapse if he did.