#bellakitse

He lowers his hand and TK latches onto it, interlacing their fingers. Carlos’ thumb brushes the back of his hand automatically.

“I assume you’ve mapped out how you’d like tonight to go over? Menu, itinerary, the whole nine yards?” TK says.

“As a matter of fact, yes. There will be drinks, tapas, and, one of my personal favorites, Ropa Vieja.”

“That sounds amazing.”

“It’s my grandmother’s recipe,” Carlos says. “I’ve made it more times than I can count.”

“I like how close you and your family are.”

Carlos shrugs. “We’re closer in some respects more than others. But, yeah, food is definitely one of the things that binds us. I think the ranch is a close second.”

TK smiles at this.

“I still can’t believe you grew up on a ranch. I can’t stop picturing you surrounded by animals like Dr. Doolittle or something.”

That’d been one of the first few things TK had learned about Carlos that very first night they texted.

Carlos laughs.

“Being able to communicate with them would have been helpful quite a few times. Life on a ranch is a far cry from New York City. But, you’ve found your way in Austin. There’s still hope for you to fully embrace some lifestyles down here.”

“I’m getting accustomed to one local in particular, so I think I’m on the right track.”

Carlos smiles and kisses him. TK’s stomach erupts with butterflies as he kisses him back sweetly.

“Speaking of, do you want to hang out this weekend?” Carlos asks as they pull apart. “There’s a food festival I wanted to check out. I thought, maybe, you’d like to go too.”

“I’d love that, yeah.”

It’s easy to forget, in moments like this, that they aren’t a couple. They are merely coworkers and friends and occasionally—quite frequently—lovers. It’s not an actual relationship even though all the building blocks seem to be in place.

The sex, without question, is always incredible. The best he’s ever had, he’d venture to say. But truthfully, it’s little moments like this that TK has been growing particularly fond of.

He and Carlos can talk about anything, can laugh and tease each other. There’s a comfort there that TK cherishes. With Carlos, he feels safe and wholly himself.

It’s equal parts reassuring and terrifying, to be made to feel as if he can fall for someone again.

Carlos shifts their position to lie down on his side. TK adjusts to his side as well, his back pressed against Carlos’ front. The other man wraps an arm around his middle and TK smiles to himself at how naturally they seem to fall into place with each other.

Carlos sighs softly and snuggles in closer to him, his face tucked in against the side of his neck. It does something complicated to TK’s heartbeat to feel his breath and skin so near.

They don’t speak for a while, just remain pressed on tightly against each other as the movie continues to play. But TK’s focus still isn’t on the screen. His thoughts wander, conjuring up some make-believe world in which all of this is real and means something more than this transient state of sporadic hookups.

TK can tell the precise moment the other man falls asleep. Carlos’ body feels heavier against him, his breathing a bit deeper. TK places his hand over the arm Carlos still has around him.

He closes his eyes and draws in a breath as he too begins to drift, his breaths syncing with Carlos’.

He wakes with a start some time later as Carlos springs up off the couch behind him.

“Dammit,” Carlos mutters.

TK sits up and rubs at his eye.

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

Carlos has a panicked look in his eye as he focuses on TK.

“I didn’t mean to sleep for that long. Or at all, for that matter. I need to prepare for tonight and it’s already so late.”

TK gets up and walks over to him.

“It’s okay. There’s still time.”

Carlos doesn’t look so sure. TK has seen, in some flashes, the way Carlos’ anxiousness creeps up at times. It happens at work if he overthinks a judgment call.

Carlos heads into the kitchen, TK following closely behind. Carlos is like a hurricane blowing through the room, pulling ingredients from the fridge and cupboards.

It puts TK on edge so he can only imagine how quickly Carlos’ mind must be racing now. TK isn’t sure how exactly to help, but he feels the urge to do something, even if the effect is only temporary.

“Carlos, you need to relax,” TK says, wrapping his arms around the man’s waist from behind as he stands at the counter.

Carlos sighs softly and TK feels a slight tremble in his body. Curious to see how he’ll react to him again, TK kisses the base of his neck. Carlos straightens his shoulders.

“I need to focus on making dinner. Tonight has to go perfectly. It’ll set the tone for future hangs.”

He can hear the genuine worry in Carlos’ voice. All he wants to do now is free him of any concerns.

“Everyone would be just fine if we ordered pizzas. It’s sweet that you want to prepare something, but you don’t have to go through all this trouble.”

Carlos twists his neck enough to look at him.

“Order pizza? Over the option of a home-cooked meal? Hello, I’m Carlos Reyes,” he says, angling his body and extending his hand. “It’s so nice to meet you. Apparently we’ve never met before.”

TK rolls his eyes and laughs, placing a kiss on Carlos’ cheek.

“Total control freak. You’re stressing yourself out for no reason, is all I’m saying. Tonight is supposed to be about having fun. It’ll hardly matter to everyone what’s on the menu. So again, I say, you need to relax.”

“What I need is for you to stop distracting me. I can still make this work,” Carlos counters, but there’s no bite to his words as he playfully flicks the back of TK’s hand.

“You think this is a distraction, huh? Baby, I could be so much worse,” he purrs in Carlos’ ear.

TK bites down gently on Carlos’ earlobe and sucks softly as he undoes the man’s jeans. Carlos goes still and makes no objections so TK keeps going, slipping his hand past the waistband of Carlos’ boxer briefs.

Carlos sets the spoon in his hand down and grips the edge of the counter with both hands as TK takes a hold of him.

“TK,” he says softly, shoulders hunching over slightly.

TK skims the tip of his nose along Carlos’ cheek and to his ear again.

“You’re so set on taking care of everyone else tonight. Let me take care of you.”

TK can hear Carlos’ breath catch as he begins to stroke him with a feather-light touch.

“The team will be here in about an hour,” Carlos says, his voice wavering much like his resolve, apparently, as he still makes no effort to stop him.

TK lets out a breath, his thumb gently teasing Carlos’ already wet slit. He hums softly, the pad of his finger smearing along the tip. Carlos curses under his breath.

“That’s plenty of time for the things I want to do to you. I’ll loosen you up. I’ll get you to stop worrying so much.”

TK takes his hand back out, and Carlos whimpers at the loss. TK has him right where he wants him. He leaves a trail of soft kisses down his neck before stepping away.

Carlos turns around at once, and TK can see just how badly the man wants this, how easily he’s surrendering himself to TK. His pupils are dilated and with his pants undone and the unmistakable imprint of his hard cock in his jeans, TK just wants to ruin him and send him over the edge completely.

TK takes a hold of Carlos’ hand and leads him out of the kitchen and to the stairs. He’s far too comfortable inside Carlos’ house. He walks around as if it’s a second home.

He kisses Carlos hard as they enter the man’s bedroom, cradling his face as he walks them over to the bed. TK shoves Carlos down against the soft bedding and climbs on top of him.

He grinds down, grinning at the feel of Carlos’ cock alongside his own. TK leans in and kisses him slowly, swiveling his hips over Carlos’ again. A low moan comes out of the man instantly.

“I need you,” Carlos breathes against his lips.

It feels good to be trusted like this and so clearly desired.

TK pulls back to look at him, stroking his cheek softly with the side of his thumb.

“Whatever you want. My mouth, my hands, just say the word.”

Carlos’ face flushes a bit.

“I want what you promised downstairs. I want you to take me out of my head.”

TK smiles at this and switches gears, pushing Carlos’ shirt up and leaving a trail of kisses down his torso.

“I can do that.”

Carlos tucks a hand under his chin and forces his gaze gently. TK holds still, fingers still bunching the fabric of Carlos’ shirt as the man speaks.

“I’m not sure if you’re fully understanding what I mean when I say that.”

TK’s head tilts to the side a bit. He supposes he doesn’t, but he’d like to know.

Carlos licks his lips and sighs, apparently psyching himself up.

“TK, I want you to fuck me. That’s what I want…need right now…if you’re willing.”

TK’s eyes widen for a moment, but he quickly recovers. He wants that just as desperately, has wanted it for weeks now.

“Whatever you want, you’ll get,” TK repeats slowly, looking him right in the eyes. “I’ve got you.”

Seemingly assured, Carlos settles back against the pillows. TK’s up for the challenge and quickly adapts to taking the lead. He finishes what he started downstairs and gets Carlos’ jeans off completely.

He gets them both undressed, his eyes once again taking in Carlos’ perfect body. It’s been weeks and TK isn’t sure the shock of having Carlos like this will ever wear off. Selfishly, he hopes to be the last person Carlos is with, intimately or otherwise.

The thought comes out of nowhere. TK pushes it aside. That isn’t what this is. They’ve never hinted at more and he can be okay with that.

Or so he has to believe.

TK grabs supplies from Carlos’ top drawer, quick to coat his fingers and Carlos’ entrance with lube. Carlos shivers and TK savors that reaction to him. He takes his time, rubbing the tips of his fingers around Carlos’ rim, unable to tear his eyes away as he watches Carlos open up to him.

He checks in with Carlos, makes sure he’s doing alright as he slips the tip of his middle finger in. He rubs a soothing hand over Carlos’ thigh and basks in the ways the other man responds to him, the way his breath hitches as he gradually slides his finger all the way in.

He leans forward and kisses Carlos, their tongues meeting as TK works him up to take a second finger. Carlos’ hands are in his hair by the third finger, tugging gently as he thrusts forward against the digits.

TK can’t help but to stare as his fingers dive in deeper. Carlos is so tight around him, it makes his cock twitch in anticipation. He stays on task though, wanting to make sure Carlos is properly prepped for him.

TK curls his fingers slightly, his eyes trained on Carlos’ face. The man winces a bit and immediately TK stops.

“Are you okay? Did that hurt?”

Carlos sighs and steadies his breathing.

“In a good way. Keep going.”

TK doesn’t hesitate. He slides his fingers back in and curls the digits just like before. Carlos’ mouth hangs open as he arches his back, his eyes fluttering shut. TK leans in and kisses his abs and chest as he continues to stretch him.

Carlos’ breaths grow shaky, a slight tremble in body as he moans.

“That’s it,” TK coaxes as Carlos rocks forward and fucks his fingers. “Just beautiful. You’re doing so well.”

Carlos takes a hold of the sheet, his hand balling up the fabric. TK watches the tendons in his arm flex. It makes him ache between his legs. Carlos is leaking and muttering softly, clearly blissful. TK could watch him like this for hours, but he wants more. He can clearly see Carlos needs more, too.

“Touch yourself,” he rasps, surprising himself.

Carlos opens his eyes and looks at him through heavy lids. TK can’t explain it, but he feels desperate to see this all of a sudden.

“Let go of the sheet and wrap that hand around your cock instead. Now.”

Carlos does as he’s told immediately and TK watches hungrily as the man loosens his grip on the sheets and begins to pleasure himself. TK thrusts his fingers in deeper and teases Carlos’ prostate. Carlos bites back on his lower lip, his eyes fixed on TK as he works himself over.

“So hot and well-behaved. I bet you could come from this right now if I told you to, hmm? Just make an absolute mess of your own hand.”

Carlos shudders. TK takes that as confirmation.

Carlos buries half his face in the pillow, his wrist flicking harder as he whines. He’s ready and TK is too.

TK places a kiss on his hip.

“Next time. I know what you need now. I didn’t forget,” he assures.

He slips his fingers out of Carlos and gently touches his wrist to get him to stop jerking himself off. Carlos’ eyes look dazed, his breathing a bit heavy.

“Are you good?” TK asks.

Carlos nods and licks his lips. His voice is coarse when he speaks, but his words are clear.

“Amazing. Please, don’t stop.”

Relieved, TK kisses his jaw and strokes his cheek.

“Good. Get on your stomach for me then.”

Carlos is compliant and turns over at once, getting himself settled, his hands anchoring to the bedding, back dipped slightly, enough to put him on display. TK has to squeeze a hand over the base of his own cock to calm down. Carlos is so obedient and eager. It’s driving him mad.

He gets the condom over his length and slicks them both up. He palms at Carlos’ ass as he aligns himself. Slowly, he inches forward, letting out a string of curses as he fills him.

“You feel so good, babe, shit,” he hisses, Carlos snug around him.

He stays still, letting Carlos acclimate to his length. TK’s fingers lightly card through Carlos’ curls until the man begins to roll his hips back onto his cock. It’s truly indescribable and TK can’t get enough already.

They fall into an easy rhythm with each other, going slow and steady. TK lets Carlos set the pace, matching his intensity as bit by bit he grows used to TK inside of him. Carlos’ thrusts eventually grow wilder and as he starts to beg him for more, TK finds himself becoming bolder too.

One hand splays at the base of Carlos’ neck, holding him down as he fucks into him, his other hand gripping his hip tightly to further keep him in place.

The room fills with the sound of their ragged breaths and pounding flesh.

Carlos lets out a sharp cry, tugging at the sheets beneath him as he grinds against the bed. His sounds grow muted just then and it takes TK a second to realize Carlos is biting the sheets as he essentially fucks them, his hips rutting up repeatedly against the fabric bunching beneath them.

He takes every inch of TK without protest, thrusting himself back against TK’s cock, his hips shifting marginally each time. It leaves TK speechless, reducing him to hard grunts and moans.

“Right there, fuck. Right there,” Carlos chokes out, and TK doubles down on the spot, his thrusts unrelenting as he tirelessly drives himself deeper and deeper with each return.

TK can feel the telltale signs of Carlos’ orgasm building, the way he clenches around his length, the uptick in his voice as he calls out.

Carlos’ body shudders hard against the mattress as he hits his climax and TK doesn’t break his stride, for Carlos’ sake as well as his own. Carlos is babbling incoherently and TK feels as if he’s soaring. This has far exceeded anything he could have dreamed up.

He comes a few moments after Carlos, pleasure pouring out of every cell and flooding his senses.

He stays buried inside Carlos for a moment as he catches his breath and gets his head on somewhat straight. Slowly, he pulls out and properly disposes of the condom. He kisses Carlos' shoulder softly.

Carlos rolls over and lies on his back. His chest looks like a sunrise, a warm reddish hue in the center from all his exertion. His face is covered in a sheen of sweat. He looks well and truly satisfied.

TK has never seen a more beautiful sight.

His eyes take in the mess Carlos has made on the sheets and his own body. It gets TK’s heart pumping hard all over again to see him wrecked like this, to know that he’s responsible for it all.

Unable to stop himself, TK grips Carlos’ hips as he inches towards his frame and works to lick him clean. Carlos’ nails scratch against his scalp as he goes and TK cannot seem to get enough of his taste, only stopping when he’s cleared away every last drop.

He looks up at Carlos who reaches for his pendant and tugs him forward with it. TK goes easily, straddling his hips and kissing him deeply. Carlos doesn’t seem at all put off by the taste of himself in TK’s mouth, and TK can hardly put into words how incredibly sexy he finds that to be.

His hands encircle Carlos’ wrists as he pins them above the man’s head as he continues to kiss him. TK’s tongue slips into his mouth and explores. Carlos just seems to melt against him, no qualms with being trapped like this.

TK likes the control, more so the trust Carlos has in him to himself over like this.

TK loses track of how long they stay like that. He eventually sets Carlos’ wrists free and is immediately treated to the man’s hands roaming his naked body, his back, his ass, his thighs. If he had it his way, they’d spend the rest of the night just like this, but—

“We have to get up,” Carlos mumbles against his lips, bursting his bubble.

TK groans; he hates the fact that he’s right. He looks at the time on Carlos’ nightstand. They’ve only got about twenty minutes or so before the others start showing up and they need to make themselves presentable again.

An irrational part of him wishes they could call off game night, tell the team the gathering is canceled so he can continue picking Carlos apart all night. But he knows they’ve pushed this as far as they can this evening.

He pecks Carlos’ lips one more time before begrudgingly climbing off of him and standing up with a heavy sigh.

Carlos moves to get out of bed as well, but takes a moment to grab his jeans and dig in his pocket.

“What are you doing?” TK asks, amused at the sight of Carlos standing up now on shaky legs.

Carlos rakes a hand through his hair and licks his lips as he pulls up something on his phone.

“Accepting defeat,” he replies, putting the phone to his ear. “Hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery, please.”

~*~*~

Downtime between calls lends itself to a lot of time for the crew to hang around the station. TK and the guys kill time in the weight room. It’s become an unofficial place for them to openly talk about their lives or have venting sessions and get advice. It seems only fitting that today’s gathering inspires another such huddle.

Paul shakes his head as he looks at his phone and sets the device down.

“Everything alright?” TK asks from where he is on the treadmill.

“Another one bites the dust,” Paul grumbles, laying back on the workout bench. “Bad date last night. We’ve officially called it.”

Carlos stands behind the weights as a spotter. Mateo should, in theory, be doing crunches on the exercise ball, but he busies himself with bouncing on it a bit as he sits instead.

Paul fills them in on the date, fixates mainly on just how different the woman’s tastes were from his own as they dined.

“If we aren’t compatible when it comes to cuisine, I don’t think we would stand a chance. Best to learn this early on,” Paul says.

The group laughs and Paul does too, shaking his head with a sigh.

“There must be something in the air,” he says.

Mateo agrees, mentioning he’s been in a bit of a drought himself.

“What’s the latest for you, TK? You seem to be over that guy in New York,” Mateo notes.

TK had brought up Alex what feels like a lifetime ago in this very same room the last time the guys sat around talking about relationships.

The only difference was Carlos hadn’t been part of the team then.

TK looks over at Carlos for the briefest of seconds and is unsurprised to see well-masked confusion in his eyes.

“That was months ago. I’m definitely over it,” he assures.

The demise of his relationship in New York had admittedly left a mark on him, making TK cautious about jumping in headfirst or seeking anything official. But he could say with full assurance that he felt nothing towards his ex and hasn’t thought about him either.

“What about you, Carlos?” Mateo pivots. “Bet you have good luck. Gotta fight the guys off with a stick, am I right?”

TK tries not to look overly interested, but his curiosity is certainly piqued.

“It’s hit or miss,” Carlos says as he continues to spot Paul.

Mateo scoffs. “You’re jacked like Thor. Smart like Banner. Friendly like Peter,” he rattles off on his fingers. “You’re just trying to make the rest of us feel better.”

“I’m flattered you think of me as a one man Avenger,” Carlos laughs with a shrug. “I don’t know, I haven’t had much luck when it comes to relationships. The men of Austin must not be into dating superheroes.”

Paul sits up and raises a brow. TK feels the hairs at the back of his neck stand at attention immediately.

“But you are seeing someone, right? Unless you’ve been getting mauled by a bear or something, I’d say someone’s responsible for those scratches you’ve been sporting,” Paul says, wiping sweat from his brow.

Carlos’ hand quickly flies to the nape of his neck, his eyes wide.

Mateo is grinning so widely he looks like the Cheshire Cat and TK is stuck trying his best not to look alarmed.

“Carlos, you sly dog. I knew you were holding out on us,” Mateo booms, holding out his hand to give him a low five.

Carlos ignores Mateo’s hand, his mouth opening and closing as he looks between Mateo and Paul.

“I…it’s casual,” Carlos says, schooling his features. “Let’s focus though, yeah? We’re here to talk about Paul, not me.”

“Way to throw me under the bus, man. That’s foul,” Paul jokes.

It’s enough to take the attention off of Carlos and TK can see the relief flood through him. He knows Carlos’ body well enough to read the tension and see it melt away bit by bit as the conversation switches back to Paul’s dating life.

TK breathes a bit easier too. Of course Paul would take notice even though they’ve been good at covering the marks they’ve been leaving on each other. TK can admit he’s been reckless, but it’s hard not to get carried away with Carlos.

“We need a guys’ night out. Let the ladies—and fellas—,” Mateo amends, “of Austin know we’re on the prowl.”

Paul throws a towel at him and laughs.

“I’m down though. It’ll be fun getting out there with you all. Who knows, maybe our luck will change.”

“TK? Carlos? You guys in, too?” Mateo asks.

TK meets Carlos’ eyes for a quick moment before they both focus back on the others.

“I’m in,” Carlos replies with a nonchalant shrug.

TK hates the thought of them being “on the prowl”, but for the sake of appearances, there’s no valid reason for him to say no.

“Yeah, me too,” he echoes weakly.

~*~*~

At the end of their shift that day, TK finds Carlos at the rig, washcloth in one hand as he cleans the fire engine alone. He’s got a determined look on his face and TK knows him well enough to tell something is on his mind and he’s looking to keep himself busy.

TK joins him, picking up a rag of his own. Carlos catches his eye and smiles at him. TK does his best not to melt on the spot at the sight of it.

He wonders if Carlos’ mind is taking him back to their first night together, what they got swept up in inside of this very truck they’re cleaning now. The irony doesn’t escape him.

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos says.

TK looks over at him, takes in the deep furrow of his brows. He lowers his hand at once and gives Carlos his full attention.

“Of course you can. What’s up?”

Carlos seems a little unsure of himself now that TK is focused on him. He shakes his head slightly.

“It’s really not my business, I know. But Paul mentioned someone back in New York? I was just wondering…is that something I should know about?”

TK frowns. Carlos deserves to know.

“Before my dad and I came down here, I was seeing a guy named Alex. Things were serious, but it ended pretty horribly and kind of made me swear off dating,” he says, giving the most comprehensive yet edited version of events he can muster up on the spot.

Carlos seems to sit with that for a moment.

“You guys have been down here for a while now. You haven’t dated since? Just hook ups?”

“Honestly? I haven’t even been interested in anyone. Except for you, of course,” he says, extra sure to keep his voice low. “I just…I don’t know if I’m ready for like, labels and all that after everything. Dating is kind of a nightmare. You’ve been through it too, right? Finding someone you feel ready to take a chance on is rare. Actually making it work is even harder. And he made me feel like..,” he trails off and shakes his head.

TK thinks back on the failed relationship that brought him to Austin in the first place. That had been one of the worst experiences of his life. TK had walked away from that relationship feeling as if he wasn’t worthwhile. He certainly hadn’t been enough to keep Alex interested or faithful, he thought. As much as he hates to admit it, it’s skewed the way he sees himself.

But as he looks at Carlos now, he can’t help but to feel a flicker of optimism in his stomach over what could be.

He and Carlos haven’t put a name to whatever this is between them and, if he’s being honest with himself, TK isn’t quite sure he can trust himself with something as good as Carlos’ heart long term. He’d be bound to find a way to ruin it and that’s not something he’s confident he can recover from. TK has been able to pick himself back up over the last few months. If this ends in disaster, there’s no way he’d be able to claw his way out. Carlos means too much to him.

He sighs and searches Carlos’ face.

“A part of me thinks I could get it right someday. I don’t really know though. I’ve gotten it so wrong in the past.”

Carlos doesn’t say anything and for the life of him, TK can’t even guess at what he must be thinking.

“We’ve never really talked about our dating histories before, have we?” Carlos says after a beat.

TK frowns and looks away. Things have been so good with Carlos, he hasn’t really wanted to look behind him but rather march forward.

“We don’t have to,” TK says. “I hate thinking about New York. Life has turned around for me a ton here in Austin,” he continues, letting his hand discreetly brush against Carlos’. “Thanks mostly to you. I’m really glad you transferred. I’m really glad that I know you. Between you and the rest of the crew, you guys have made this place feel like home…especially you.”

Carlos smiles softly at this. TK watches his chest expand as he draws in a deep breath before getting back to cleaning. TK follows suit, neither of them saying anything further.

“Reyes! TK! Y’all polish that thing much longer, there ain’t gonna be much paint left. Hit the showers. It’s time to go,” Judd calls from across the floor, dressed in his civilian clothes, his duffel bag hooked on his shoulder.

Carlos sets the rag in his hand down.

“You heard the man,” Carlos says. “Time to wash up.”

Carlos’ eyes track his body and TK feels his pulse quicken. It sounds an awful lot like an invitation to something they absolutely shouldn’t be engaging in at work, especially during the day.

Carlos steps away and TK, too stunned to move just then, watches him head off towards the locker room. Belatedly, TK takes a step to follow, but is derailed as his father appears.

“Will you be ready soon?” Owen asks.

TK’s eyes trail after Carlos before focusing back on his dad.

“You go ahead without me. I don’t feel like heading straight home just yet.”

His father studies him for a moment.

“Everything okay?”

TK nods. “Yeah, no worries. I promise. I might just hit the weight room for a bit.”

Owen nods once and pats him on the shoulder.

“Alright then. I’ll see you when you get in.”

TK lets out a relieved breath as he watches his father leave and he makes an immediate beeline after Carlos.

When he arrives, the locker room is empty. He can hear running water in the showers a few feet away. TK undresses quickly, wraps a towel around his hips and grabs his shower caddy.

The showers are dead quiet aside from Carlos’ stall and the water stemming from it. It calls to him like a siren.

He knocks quietly on the shower door, looking over his shoulder to make sure no one has come in. He turns back quickly as Carlos opens the door.

It’s very hard to worry about anything else when he’s staring at Carlos’ wet, naked body. His eyes drink in everything at once, from the sopping curls to the droplets racing down his torso. It makes TK harden beneath his towel as he swallows thickly.

Carlos smirks like he knows, though TK supposes it’s obvious. Carlos has had quite the effect on him since day one.

“Come here,” Carlos says quietly, hooking his fingers into TK’s towel. He pulls him inside by the waist, closing back the shower door.

TK's heart is full-on jackhammering as Carlos tugs the towel loose and hangs it up.

He can’t think, let alone speak, as Carlos walks over slowly to him, his eyes raking over his body. It makes TK antsy to touch him; he doesn’t hesitate once Carlos is near enough.  

He snakes his arms around Carlos’ waist, dropping the caddy and kissing him hard. Carlos’ hands venture down his back and to his ass. TK gasps against his lips as Carlos squeezes him roughly and presses their hips together. Carlos grinds down on him, his hard cock meeting with TK’s own. He shivers despite the warmth of the water running down his body.

“What about the B team?” TK whispers, some small ray of common sense trickling through the fog in his mind.

Carlos shrugs, trailing his fingertips down TK’s torso. TK clutches the man’s hips to stay steady.

“Guess you’ll just have to be very, very quiet then, now won’t you? Don’t give them a reason to come looking.”

The thought of getting caught should terrify him, should make him exercise some modicum of sensibility.

But Carlos’ lips are at his neck, his tongue dancing on his skin and TK couldn’t care less if anyone sees them now. If he’s being honest, the thought of being seen kind of—definitely—turns him on. His arms drape over Carlos’ shoulders, his fingers twining in his hair as the man begins to kiss him. He opens his mouth to Carlos, sucks softly on his tongue as they both grind against each other.

Never in his wildest dreams did he think Carlos could ever be this reckless during waking hours, but he’s grateful for whatever wild streak has apparently possessed him this evening. He supposes after their first hookup being in a fire truck, they’ve long since thrown being responsible out of the window. But this feels like far more of a gamble. It’s a risk he’s willing to take, however.

Carlos thrusts forward sharply and TK is forced to bite back the moan that threatens to come out. It gets trapped, a wounded sound, in his throat.

“Good boy,” Carlos says approvingly in the small space between their lips.

TK shudders against him at the praise. Carlos knows him too well now, understands perfectly how to get under his skin with two simple words.

He kisses Carlos heatedly, pouring everything he can’t say just then into it.

All too soon, Carlos is pulling away. TK pouts and tries to pull him in closer by the hips. Carlos simply shakes his head and turns TK around. Only then does Carlos return to his body, pressing him up against the wall.

“I have something else in mind for you,” he whispers, his breath caressing his ear gently with such a lethal promise.

TK doesn’t ask any questions. This position can only mean one thing and he prays his assumption is correct. It’s proven to be right just a moment later as Carlos gets the cloth between his cheeks and begins to clean him.

“Carlos,” he murmurs at the feel of the man’s fingertips gently brushing his rim.

His forehead thuds softly onto the tiles as Carlos’ lips latch on to the juncture between his neck and his shoulder and sucks. TK’s eyes squeeze shut, his cock heavy between his legs as Carlos keeps up his ministrations until TK hears the distinct sound of the washcloth meeting the ground.

“Remember. Not a sound,” Carlos says against his ear. Though his voice is quiet, there’s so much authority in it. All TK wants to do is obey.

TK’s jaw clenches, his palms splaying across the tiles as he attempts to clear his mind enough to focus.

Carlos kisses down the valley of the spine and it’s truly a wonder to TK that he’s even still standing. His knees feel weak, his body practically boneless as Carlos drops to his knees behind him. The first touch of Carlos’ hands to his ass sends a jolt through his entire body.

They’ve barely even started. How is he meant to survive this? Without making a sound, no less?

TK nearly gives away the game as the tip of Carlos’ tongue circles his rim. His mouth hangs open at once, eyes watering as Carlos licks his way into him. TK rocks back, gently riding his tongue.

He lowers his hand to his leaking cock, biting hard into the soft flesh of his lower lip as he begins to jerk off. Carlos licks into him with such precision it takes the air out of TK’s lungs. He gives himself a tight squeeze, his legs shaking as he fights to stay in control of himself.

He wants to scream, whine, beg for more, but he can’t do anything other than keep his responses bottled up. He’s never been too good at that and this is a test of his willpower like no other.

Carlos’ tongue is relentless, delving inside him and searching, exploring, taking him apart so acutely it makes TK feel delirious. TK quickens his pace on himself, his hand twisting and turning against his length. He lets out a shaky breath, the tension in his stomach knotting tightly.

It’s excruciating to stay quiet. Tears run down his face, a sob that can’t escape sitting dormant and burning in his chest. If they were back at Carlos’ place now, he’d be able to sing the man’s praises at full volume. Instead, all he can do now is tighten his grip on his own cock and swallow down the instinctual sounds his body desperately wants to make.

His legs tremble, his knees liable to give out at any second as his orgasm flares up and overtakes him at once. Carlos’ strong hands are rough as they knead his ass, spreading him wider as he continues to prod and suck.

TK almost shouts, but catches it quickly, just a broken whimper taking its place as he comes all over his fist.

Carlos doesn’t let up, his tongue curling in his ass as he rides out the wave. He grinds back onto Carlos’ tongue, chasing every bit of the high as his orgasm washes over him. TK keeps his face rested against the shower wall as his brain comes back online slowly.

He isn’t even aware that Carlos has gotten up until he feels the man pressed up on him, all hard muscle and warmth as he settles his chin on TK’s shoulder.

“You did so well. I’m impressed.”

TK shudders, his legs feeling far more like jelly than anything else.

“I wanted to be good,” he hiccups, blood still rushing loudly in his ears.

Carlos rubs his side and kisses his shoulder twice and the space just under his ear. TK sighs at the intimacy of his touch and kisses.

“And you were. So, so good and beautiful for me, TK. I’m proud of you. You were amazing.”

TK closes his eyes at this, elated with the praise. He hadn’t even thought himself capable of staying quiet. But whatever Carlos asks of him, TK will always be determined to make it happen.

Carlos turns him around to face forward again. TK’s eyes drift down to Carlos’ spent cock before looking back up at him.

“You were busy,” he notes, his voice completely shot.

“I’m good at multitasking,” he says with a half smile. “You have no idea what it does to me, seeing you like that,” he continues, shaking his head. “It’s the sexiest thing ever.”

He leans in and gives TK a soft kiss on his forehead, brushing his cheek with the pad of his thumb. TK smiles to himself at the gesture, one hand on Carlos’ hip as the man speaks.

“Let me get you cleaned up and take you home, okay?”

TK nods and lets Carlos direct him, too spent to even speak anymore. He’s swallowed back so many moans and whimpers, TK doubts he even has a voice left.

With gentle hands, Carlos cleans him and TK is struck, certainly not for the first time since they started hooking up, at how much range Carlos possesses.

One moment they can engage in the hottest and filthiest scenarios he’s ever experienced, and in the next, Carlos handles him with such care like he’s something precious.

With Carlos, he could have it all. TK feels sick with want.

~*~*~

As they step into the club Carlos suggested, TK can see why Carlos had sworn by this place. Admittedly, TK hasn’t given Austin that much credit, stuck in his thinking that New York was a far more fun city.

Their first stop for guys’ night had been to the 126’s usual dive bar, but it was clear very early on that they’d need a much livelier setting. Carlos recommended one of his go-tos, an LGBTQ+ spot he enjoyed but hadn’t had much chance to visit recently.

It sounded like a good option to everyone as the honky tonk had been a bust. From the music and lights bouncing off the walls and crowd of beautiful people surrounding them, TK takes back every doubt he’s harbored that Austin was no match for his hometown’s nightlife.

The guys are able to secure a small table, the four of them crowding around and people-watching as they acclimate to the energy in the room. It feels electric and alive with possibilities.

“Good choice,” TK says to Carlos.

“Yeah, you sure we’re still in Austin?” Paul jokes.

Carlos rolls his eyes playfully.

“You guys have been doing this city all wrong since you got here. You’re lucky I’m around now to teach you a thing or two,” he teases.

Paul scoffs good naturedly, but TK can’t help but to find deeper truth in Carlos’ words.

“I need a water,” he says.

“I’ll come with you,” Paul replies.

They make their way over to the bar where a beautiful lady wiggles her fingertips in greeting to Paul from the other side. TK in turn wiggles his brows mischievously at Paul as he flags the bartender and they order.

“We’ve been here all of five minutes and you’re already luring them in,” he muses as the bartender steps away.

Paul rolls his eyes, but TK sees him look back at the woman who keeps him in her sights. The bartender returns and sets their drinks down.

“I’m heading to the table. You, go get her number or at the very least, her name and a dance.”

He gives Paul a gentle push and sends him on his way, smiling to himself as he discretely watches Paul. Whatever he’s saying to this lady is working as she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and tips her head towards the dance floor.

TK grabs his water and returns to the table where Mateo has somehow acquired a glow stick necklace in his absence and is bouncing along to the music with such enthusiasm, TK knows it’s going to be hell dragging him out of here when they’re ready to leave.

TK is practically itching to get out on the dance floor, the three of them ditching their table in favor of dancing. They bump into Paul and the girl from the bar, Mateo grinning from ear to ear at the sight of them.

It feels good to cut loose, though it’s extremely difficult not to just throw his arms around Carlos with the other guys so distracted now. The way the lights bounce off of Carlos as he moves to the beat is intoxicating.

It’s impossible not to stare and TK knows he’s not alone in that sentiment. He’s all too aware of how many guys in this room are taking notice of Carlos. He can’t blame them, necessarily. But he sure does begin to feel bothered by it nonetheless.

He does his best to tune it out and dares to get as close to Carlos as he can without being conspicuous. He can still feel the stares even though Carlos keeps his eyes on him throughout each song change.

They eventually reclaim their table which surprisingly hasn’t been poached in all their time on the dance floor.

“I’m going to get a drink. Do you want anything?” Carlos asks.

TK shakes his head and watches Carlos maneuver through the crowd, his broad shoulders impressively clearing space for him to pass. Paul rejoins them and Mateo is quick to ask for details about the girl he was with. TK tries to focus on them. It’ll do him no good thinking about Carlos’ body now.

This sage advice only lasts for a few seconds at a time as TK’s gaze keeps wandering back over to Carlos who is now standing at the bar, getting the bartender’s attention. He places his order with her and is apparently too wrapped up in the task to notice a man approaching him. TK feels like he’s watching NatGeo with the way this guy locks Carlos in his sights and seeks him out.

Try as he might not to care, TK feels uneasy with what he’s seeing. Physically, this stranger has a lot of the same characteristics as him: similar build, hair color, even a mutual appreciation for bold print short sleeved button downs.

In another life it would be comical to see this doppelgänger of sorts that clearly has the same taste in guys as him. But watching it in real time now, it troubles TK to think that if Carlos has been drawn to him this whole time, there’s a possibility he’d take an interest in this other guy too.

Suddenly the room feels too cramped, but he’s powerless to do anything other than stealthily look on as the man settles in beside Carlos and strikes up a conversation.

Carlos shakes his head at the guy, and laughs at something he says. It’s clear, even from a distance, that this stranger is working hard to keep Carlos’ focus on him. TK hates the fact that it seems to be working.

Carlos doesn’t move off or cut the conversation short. He’s replying now and the other guy seems enthralled by whatever he’s saying.

TK stabs at the ice in his glass with his straw and looks away. He’s seen all that he can bear to and it’s enough to make him feel sick.

By the time TK dials back into what Paul and Mateo are saying, he finds it difficult to follow along with their conversation. Luck is on his side; with them being on the other side of the table and the club as a whole so rowdy, neither of the guys seems to notice.

TK tenses as someone comes up beside him. He doesn’t need to look over to know it’s Carlos. He’s far too attuned to his body now.

“You okay?” Carlos asks, leaning in a bit to be heard over the music.

It’s then that TK finally glances at him.

“Peachy,” he says, plastering on a smile.

He sets his glass down before pushing off from the table.

“I’ll be right back,” he says to the table at large, gesturing to the bathrooms before taking off.

He hates how moody he’s being, how short he was with Carlos over something that’s truly not his fault and is more than likely just in his own head.

What he wants now is some kind of a solace, a moment to get his head on straight and be alone for a little bit.

He bumps into so many people in his pursuit of the restroom, mumbling apologies as he goes. He just has to keep his feet moving.

TK feels a hand at the hem of his shirt; a gentle tug of the material stops him in his tracks and he turns. Carlos’ expression is hard to decipher. TK isn’t given much time to parse it as he’s pulled into the bathroom at once.

The music from the club is much more muted now behind the door. There’s no other sound in the room and it makes TK keenly aware of how heavily he’s breathing and how hard his heart is pounding.

Carlos stands before him now, his eyes fixed to his face as he speaks.

“Hey, what’s going on with you tonight?” Carlos asks gently.

TK crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head, avoiding Carlos’ gaze.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Carlos steps closer to him just then, his hands settling on TK’s biceps. TK hates how needy he’s clearly been for Carlos’ touch all evening. He fights the urge to shiver at the warmth and familiarity of Carlos’ hands, doing his best to ignore how much he wants to feel him all over.

It has sucked, quite frankly, spending so much time taking in Austin’s nightlife and being unable to so much as hold Carlos’ hand all evening.

They’ve been together this whole time yet still, TK misses him.

It’s getting much harder than he’d been anticipating to go about public life acting as if he and Carlos aren’t intimate, as if some very real part of Carlos hasn’t latched itself to his heart. It’s all so confusing and so much more than TK can really pick through right now. All he knows is, he’s upset and frustrated. But Carlos is touching him for the first time all night and that’s enough to get him to steady his breathing and relax a bit.

“Look at me. Please?” Carlos presses.

It takes TK a few seconds, but he relents and finds Carlos with the most curious of expressions on his face.

“Seriously, what are you thinking right now? Are you mad at me?”

TK frowns, shaking his head and looks down again.

“No, of course not. It’s…I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

Carlos cups his cheek and gently forces his gaze.

“If it’s affecting you like this, it can’t be. Just talk to me, sweetheart. You can tell me anything. You know that.”

TK sighs and bites back on his lower lip, trying to piece together his thoughts and staunchly ignore the way his heart skips a beat at the pet name.

“I got…jealous seeing that guy hitting on you at the bar. It—I shouldn’t even be upset, but I didn’t like it. I just wanted to tell him to fuck off…to get him the hell away from you. So many guys have been looking at you all night. I—”

TK swallows hard and grinds his teeth. This all sounds so ridiculous and childish, but it’s too late now to backpedal.

“I don’t have a right to act like this. You’re free to talk to or hook up with whoever you want to. That was the point of tonight, right? To put ourselves out there and meet people?”

The thought makes TK sick to his stomach to consider, but it’s the truth. Carlos isn’t his; they aren’t exclusive. TK definitely didn’t go into this guys’ night hoping to find anyone. But if Carlos wanted to, he’d respect that, no matter how much it hurts to think about.

“I’m not used to being casual,” Carlos says slowly. “This has never been my speed. If we had talked about it earlier, I would have told you that. Maybe I should have regardless,” Carlos mumbles.

He draws in a deep breath as TK stays in place, unsure of where this conversation is leading.

“I don’t want to hook up with some random guy just because he happened to make me laugh for two seconds. I haven’t been seeing anyone else since we started…,” Carlos trails off and shakes his head. “Maybe you have, I don't know. We’ve never talked this out.”

Carlos looks down briefly.

“You’re the one I want to leave here with tonight…every night. I don’t know what this is, but I like being with you.”

Carlos pinches his lips together and looks away again. TK feels like the biggest jerk in the world. Of course this actually means something to Carlos too. It feels like a lot to process all at once, but it’s good to hear.

He takes a step forward and holds onto Carlos’ hand, linking their fingers.

“I’m sorry for being such an ass.”

Carlos glances back at him then and shakes his head.

“You aren’t. This is tricky. Tonight’s been testing my patience too. I don’t like seeing other guys checking you out or flirting with you either,” Carlos says, kissing his forehead. “Trust me, I get it.”

Carlos pulls in a breath and sighs.

“Really?” TK asks, unable to hide his disbelief.

Carlos’ brows furrow deeply.

“That surprises you? Need I remind you of my shameful behavior with that poor bartender a few weeks back? Not exactly my finest moment.”

TK hadn’t put much thought to it after they’d returned to the stands. But he remembers how Carlos had been in bed that night, almost as if staking some claim to TK in actions.

“I really like you, TK. I don’t ever want that to be a secret to you.”

TK doesn’t want them to be a secret anymore, but he keeps his mouth shut. There are certain things he can’t say and now most definitely isn’t the time or place.

“I really like you too,” is all he can manage to say back.

Carlos still looks a bit troubled.

“We’re okay,” TK assures, reaching up a hand massaging Carlos’ neck.

He can feel the tension in the other man’s body lessen bit by bit.

Carlos nods. “Good.”

TK kisses him softly and this seems to relax Carlos most of all as he melts against TK’s frame and kisses him back. A good kiss is enough to recalibrate them. As they pull away from each other, TK feels far steadier than when they first entered the room.

“We should head back out,” Carlos says, resting his forehead against TK’s.

TK takes a moment to cling to this alone time, even if they are in arguably the least desirable location possible right now.

He plays softly with Carlos’ hair and gives him one last kiss before they head for the door.

TK’s stomach fills with dread with each step they take. Once they cross the threshold, they’ll be entering back into a world where they have to pretend.

He wishes he could stay in their private bubble forever, where everything is just as he wants it to be.

~*~*~

TK can’t sleep that night.

He picks up his phone, his eyes squinting against the bright light as he pulls up his messages from Carlos. The time in the corner tells him he should have been asleep hours ago. It’s not enough to stop him from typing up a text. Carlos won’t see it until morning anyway, but he needs to get these thoughts out of his head now.

TK: I keep replaying tonight over and over. I know we said we’re cool, but I’m still really sorry for acting like that. I haven’t liked someone like this in…a very long time. You matter to me in a way I wasn’t ready for. I don’t exactly know what to do with what I’m feeling.

TK sighs and sets his phone down after hitting send, the regret immediate. He can only picture what Carlos’ reaction will be in the morning, seeing these random 3am ramblings first thing. TK buries his face in his hands and groans. He startles as the bed vibrates with an incoming text.

Carlos: I wasn’t expecting someone like you either. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. I just need to know if you’re sure you want to keep doing this.

If you aren’t, that’s okay.

There’s no pressure either way.

TK stares at the messages, struck by the fact that Carlos is even still awake right now. Has he been kept up by these thoughts too? Replaying tonight in his head? TK debates for a moment as to whether he should call him up, but he decides against it. He feels bolder saying this through text. If he were to try to say any of this out loud, TK isn’t so sure he’d be brave enough to do it.

TK: I can’t give you up. I don’t want to. I wish I did have some answers though. I’m sorry. All I know is that I like being around you.

I haven’t been seeing anyone else either, by the way.

I should have said that earlier.

It’s only been you this whole time.

I want to keep it that way. For it to just be us.

TK chews on his bottom lip as he sees Carlos beginning to type. But the three dots appear and disappear repeatedly. It almost makes him regret not calling now. Perhaps he’d have better luck at knowing what Carlos is struggling to say.

Carlos: Thanks for letting me know. I’d like that too.

TK stares at his phone, brought up short by how brief Carlos’ text is. He sees the other man is typing again and hope blooms that he’ll say more. It wilts quickly as the message comes through.

Carlos: Get some sleep, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.

~*~*~

Last night’s conversation left a bad taste in TK’s mouth. It’s made all the worse by how closed off Carlos appears today. He didn’t greet TK with his usual warm smile but rather a halfhearted uptick of his mouth that actually looked forced and painful.

Today has been a series of back to back calls, a true test of the 126’s endurance and focus. TK tries to tell himself that’s why Carlos isn’t his normal self, but it feels personal when he sees Carlos able to joke here and there with the others.

Carlos feels distant and TK isn’t quite sure how to bridge that gap between them. The divide came in under the cover of darkness, leaving TK without a clear idea of how to battle against it.

“Nice job out there,” TK says as the 126 packs up after responding to a fire in an apartment complex.

Carlos truly had been great, saving a young girl from where she was miraculously okay after having been trapped inside her bedroom. Her parents were in tears thanking Carlos the second he appeared with her in his arms.

Carlos looks at him and mumbles a quiet word of thanks.

TK frowns, suddenly feeling itchy under all of his gear.

“Are you alright?” he tries again.

Carlos takes his helmet off and TK can feel butterflies in his stomach at the sight of the man’s curls, matted down in some places and sticking up in others. It’s adorable, to say the least. Only Carlos could pull off helmet hair this well.

He almost says as much, but Carlos’ expression is closed off. TK gets the sense he isn’t in a joking mood.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

TK’s brows furrow. He steps closer to Carlos, his voice low as he speaks.

“Is this about last night?”

TK reaches for his hand, but Carlos pulls it away.

“We’ll talk later, okay?”

TK is ready to object, pushing past the sick feeling in his stomach over his rejected attempt to touch Carlos when he hears voices behind him.

His father and Marjan approach, closely followed by the others. TK looks back at Carlos in time to see him retreating to the truck. TK stands there for a moment, looking at Carlos’ surname on his turnout until he disappears inside the truck.

He lets the others go ahead of him, ensuring he won’t get seated close to Carlos on their drive. It isn’t much, but Carlos clearly wants space and TK is too scared of making that sudden need permanent.

Back at the station, things still feel off. TK keeps his distance as Carlos hits the weight room with Marjan and Mateo. He figures it’ll be much easier to sort his thoughts without watching Carlos work up a sweat and staunchly ignore him like he has managed to do all shift.

TK joins Paul on the ground floor instead as the man works on folding laundry.

“Need a hand?” he volunteers.

Paul nods and tosses him a shirt from the top of the pile. TK is immediately glad to keep his hands busy, but his mind still wanders to Carlos and the unease that’s now expanding between them.

“Thanks for last night,” Paul says. “I appreciated you all coming out.”

TK smiles. “Of course. What are friends for, right?”

He reaches for another shirt.

“Yeah…friends. Speaking of which. You and Carlos,” Paul says. “What’s the deal there?”

TK’s face flushes, caught completely off guard.

Paul holds up his hands.

“Look, I’m not trying to pry and that the segue wasn’t nearly as smooth as I was hoping it’d be but… It’s just—last night, I couldn’t help but notice some kind of tension. And today, you guys have barely said a word to each other. Since he transferred here, you two have gotten pretty damn close. There’s always been a vibe and I’ve been picking up on some things.”

The urge to lay it all out is overwhelming, but this isn’t his secret alone to tell— even if Paul has very clearly clocked the fact that they’ve been hooking up, or at the very least are less than average coworkers. He won’t betray Carlos’ confidence.

“We’re just friends. I don’t—I don’t know. We hang out a lot and it’s been really nice getting to know him.”

Paul nods to himself and TK relaxes.

“But you like him as more than a friend.”

It isn’t a question. TK supposes that’s fair. He feels as if he’s halfway to loving Carlos already. TK figures such a thing leaves a trace that can be seen by anyone.

“I do. Very much. So much that it kind of scares me sometimes.”

There’s little use in denying it; at least this he can fess up to. And it feels good to finally have the words live outside of his head after all these weeks.

“But I don’t know what to do about it. I’m all over the place and I don’t want to wreck what we have by saying too much, so, it’s fine.”

Paul shakes his head, grabbing another shirt to fold.

“You could make it better by telling him everything.”

TK looks over at Paul quickly at this.

“I don’t know what the whole story is between you guys and honestly, it really doesn’t matter. It’s obvious you all have a connection. I caught that early on and from what I’ve been seeing since, it’s only been growing stronger. If whatever this is between you guys matters that much to you, define it. Let him know where you stand because I don’t think you’re in that place alone at all.”

I don’t know what this is, but I like being with you, Carlos had said.

TK has already fallen. Maybe it isn’t too far-fetched to think Carlos has in the exact same way too.

~*~*~

TK knocks three times on Carlos’ front door and runs the palm of his hand against the front of his jeans. For all his visits to Carlos’ place, he’s never been anxious before. Excited, eager, horny, yes. But never uneasy. Never afraid of what state he’ll find Carlos in on the other side of the door. Or fear that his presence isn’t a welcomed thing.

Turning up unannounced after their shift probably isn’t the best strategy, but delaying this conversation is what’s gotten them into this awkwardness in the first place, he knows.

The door opens and instantly Carlos’ brows furrow in confusion at the sight of TK on his step.

“Sorry for showing up like this. I just—I think we need to talk.”

Carlos’ expression grows grim, his eyes casting about TK’s face as if he can find an answer to what this is about there.

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“Everything is okay, I promise,” TK reassures, taking hold of one of his hands and bringing it to his chest.

TK takes comfort in the fact that Carlos doesn’t recoil at his touch nor has he sent him away.

Instead, Carlos visibly relaxes at this and takes a step back to let TK in. TK leads them over to the couch and his mind runs back to the first time he came over here, how hot and heavy things were.

When all of this started, it was purely physical, but TK’s been falling hard along the way and finding such a deeper meaning in their connection.

Looking at Carlos now, he’s not sure how else he thought this would have ended up.

“You said things are alright, but you’re starting to make me nervous again,” Carlos says.

TK blinks twice and clears his throat. “I just got lost in my thoughts for a sec.”

“Care to let me into your head a little then?”

This seemed easier to talk about in theory, but TK reminds himself of the fact even if Carlos views their dynamic differently, if for some reason he doesn’t want more after everything, he’ll let him down easily.

“Am I what you want?” he asks. Carlos looks confused for a moment. “I mean…God, this already isn’t coming out right.”

TK sighs and tries again.

“You don’t do casual, but that’s all we’ve been so far. I’m wondering, are you really happy with this? I’ve been thinking a lot about our talks recently and realizing how much I’ve been failing to see things through your eyes, what you’ve been hinting at all this time.”

He searches Carlos’ eyes and sees worry in them as if TK is getting too close to uncovering something he’d rather keep hidden. TK can’t help but to push it for that very same reason.

“You want more than what I’ve been giving you.”

Carlos looks away, his brows furrowing. He’s quiet for a moment. TK doesn’t rush him to say anything, just sits alongside him and lets Carlos sort through what he’s thinking.

“On one hand, I am happy because I get to be with you and that’s what I want. But I do wonder…what exactly are we? Neither of us wants the other to be with someone else. We haven’t been with anyone else and don’t care to be. We talk about personal things, we hang out all the time,” he says, stopping short there for a second.

“Sounds an awful lot to me like a relationship, but you don’t date and I don’t know where that leaves us. So yeah, I’ve been making do with what I can even if I don’t know what to call it. I don’t really know how to read this. So, I guess I just wanted the option that let me have you.”

TK closes his eyes briefly. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Carlos shakes his head. “It’s on me too. I should have spoken up. We kind of stumbled into this. I don’t think either of us knew what we were getting into…or just how serious it would get. At least that's what it’s been like for me.”

TK reaches for Carlos’ hand.

“It’s been you this whole time in every sense for me. I honestly meant that. Carlos, I—,” TK draws in a breath and squares his shoulders. “I know it’s right with you. I’m just terrified of screwing up because if I mess this up, and I lose you, I don’t think I could ever bounce back from that.”

It sounds pathetic to his own ears, but Carlos deserves his honesty.

“There’s a version of me that you haven’t met yet. And I don’t know how much that’ll change what you’re feeling right now. But you have me. God, Carlos, you’ve had me right from the start.”

Carlos searches face and moves closer to him. TK’s gaze doesn’t falter. He’s been laying it all on the table from the moment they sat down and has no intentions of leaving here without making everything he’s been feeling clear.

“I can’t imagine there’s a side of you I won’t adore. Whatever it is, I’m staying put,” Carlos says. “As long as you’re in this, I am too.”

TK’s eyes close for a second as he lets Carlos’ words seep in. When he looks at him again, Carlos hasn’t wavered.

“That very first night…you said you don’t want to jeopardize your place on the crew or have any of the others find out. I get that. I respect it. Hell, I agreed at the time too. But now…well now, I’m not worried about them knowing. Are you? Because I don’t want to be the guy you occasionally hook up with. I want to be your boyfriend,” TK says quietly.

A wide smile overtakes Carlos’ face. He leans in and rests his forehead against TK’s, stroking his cheek.

“Boyfriends. Yes, please. I want official dates. I want that title and everything that comes with it, so badly,” he says.

Carlos presses his lips to his and at once, TK’s mind quiets as it always does when he’s this close to Carlos. Now, more than ever, there’s nothing holding him back from chasing after this completely. He deepens the kiss, fingers threading through Carlos’ hair and tugging sharply. He delights in the moan that echoes out of him, feels it right between his legs at once.

TK nips at Carlos’ bottom lip before getting up from the couch, one hand extended. Carlos takes it with ease, lacing their fingers as TK leads them up the stairs to Carlos’ room.

It’s all so second nature, yet another reminder how effortlessly they’ve been blending into each other’s worlds since that late night down at the station that officially changed everything.

TK backs him up against a wall once they enter the bedroom and kisses Carlos as he undoes his jeans. He gets down on his knees, his lips leaving a trail of kisses along Carlos’ body as he goes. He mouths against Carlos’ erection through his boxer briefs once he’s on level, focusing pointedly on the wet patch already formed there.

Above him, Carlos mutters under his breath, his fingers gently carding through the front of TK’s hair. TK is diligent, his tongue teasing even through the barrier of cloth.

TK’s fingers hook into the waist of Carlos’ boxer briefs and glides the material down, his mouth watering at once at the sight of Carlos fully erect and leaking right before him. He peers up, noting the darkness and hunger in Carlos’ eyes.

Carlos angles TK’s head, keeps one hand tucked under TK’s chin. He guides TK to open his mouth with his thumb. TK can’t look away, watching with a growing need as white beads pearl at Carlos’ tip.

Carlos sighs lightly as he looks down at him.

“You still drive me absolutely crazy.”

TK smiles at this callback to their very first night together. In all the weeks since, TK still has a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that he could have any impact at all on Carlos. But he refuses to question it or trade it for anything in the world.

He remains obediently in place, eager for whatever will come next. He watches as a smooth glide of Carlos’ hand against his shaft gets another spurt at the head of his cock, right into TK’s waiting mouth.

A tremor goes through TK’s body as the first drop of cum touches his tongue, hot and so distinctly Carlos. TK is quick to swallow it down.

Carlos curses under his breath as TK peers up at him expectantly. Carlos pets his hair, threads his fingers through, letting his nails lightly scratch his scalp. He tugs sharply at the hair on the crown of his head. The move makes TK’s cock twitch at once.

“You want more, huh?”

TK’s face is serious as he holds his gaze and says, “I want it all.”

Carlos curses again softly and resumes stroking himself, stepping closer still and slowly feeding TK his cock. TK simply slackens his jaw to take him as far as he can. Carlos’ mouth falls open, fingers gripping tighter on TK’s hair.

TK swallows around him, his head bobbing as he lets out moan after moan, his cheeks hollowing.

TK mouth is a mess of both their fluids. He can feel the blend running down his chin, but he doesn’t care. His only objective now is to bring Carlos to a blissful and satisfying finish.

Carlos’ body sags against the wall, but TK holds on to the back of his thighs to support him. Carlos is mere moments away, he knows, this man—his boyfriend—fucking steadily into his mouth. Carlos’ moans grow sharper, his fingers grasping more firmly onto TK’s hair. His body shakes and it’s so addictive, TK savors it all.

His cock is heavy between his legs, but he doesn’t even think to touch himself. His sole focus remains to be Carlos. His tongue laps dutifully against his cock as he massages Carlos’ balls and that’s the tipping point.

Carlos comes with TK’s name on his lips, his face flushed as he spills into TK’s mouth. TK takes it all, doesn’t bat so much as an eyelash as he swallows down his boyfriend’s release.

“Oh my god,” Carlos pants, his eyes fixed on TK.

TK slips him out of his mouth, wiping at his chin with the back of his hand.

Carlos’ lashes are wet as he strokes TK’s face and breathes heavily.

“Come here,” he croaks and TK stands up at once.

Carlos pulls TK into him immediately, arms wrapping around his body as he presses their chests flush together. He kisses TK heatedly and walks them over to the bed, lowering himself down first to let TK settle on top of him. TK delights in the journey Carlos’ hands take in running down his chest to his hips.

Carlos undresses him, kissing him in between as each article of clothing is removed until they’re both naked and pressed together once again. TK feels Carlos shudder against him as his erection brushes up against Carlos’ cock.

TK shivers in return at the feel of Carlos’ roaming his body, down his back and to his ass. He lets Carlos touch him as he pleases, but he grows curious.

“What do you want right now?” he asks softly.

Carlos bites on the corner of his lower lip and avoids his gaze. The move makes TK all the more intrigued.

“You don’t ever have to be shy about what you want,” TK says, kissing down the length of his neck briefly. “Especially with me.”

Carlos looks at him then and grips his hips. TK can’t help but to rock forward instinctively. Carlos sighs.

“I want to watch you touch yourself,” he says, brushing hair off of TK’s forehead. “I want to watch you come and I want you to mark me when you do it. Can you do that for me?”

TK traces his fingers along Carlos’ jaw and nods. Not only can he do that, but TK knows he’ll relish in every second of it. He takes a hold of himself, watching Carlos’ eyes darken at once. TK grinds his ass to Carlos’ cock. His eyes roll shut at the feel. The night is only just getting started; he knows he’ll be able to have Carlos inside him later.

For right now, he’s got direct marching orders and TK has every intention of making this as pleasurable for Carlos as humanly possible.

His eyes meet Carlos’ and it’s clear as day from the way this man looks at him that he’s so deeply wanted, cherished even. To think he almost ran the risk of depriving them of official titles, of claiming all of this that’s just been waiting for him.

Carlos rubs his palms against TK’s thighs as he begins to jerk himself off. TK bites back on his lower lip as he takes in Carlos’ expression, seeing how fully aroused he is by this. His eyes are practically dark slits now, focused solely on him.

TK can feel Carlos harden under him as he goes, soft murmurs falling from both of their lips as TK continues. TK’s face heats up as Carlos calls him beautiful, his boyfriend’s hands outlining his body and up to his chest. His thumbs rub gently against his nipples and TK can’t help the whimper that escapes him.

Carlos’ touch has always been unparalleled, but there’s something to this now, essentially putting himself on display, that’s making TK all the more sensitive to it.

Carlos pinches his nipples, rolling the hardened nubs between his fingers. TK cries out in pleasure, grinding his ass harder against Carlos’ cock as he picks up the pace on himself, his eyes rolling shut.

He’s overstimulated in the best way possible. His cock is leaking, his fingers slick against his shaft, but he doesn’t break his stride. He opens his eyes and keeps them locked on Carlos, aroused by the hunger in his gaze. He'll never grow tired of how connected he feels to him.

“So hot,” Carlos breathes approvingly. TK feels as if he’s on a different plane of existence entirely now.

He gets up on his knees, his free hand holding onto the headboard to keep himself steady. He pumps his hand faster yet, feeling himself tipping closer to the edge.

“You’re right there, babe,” Carlos coaxes, twisting TK’s nipples one last time.

TK lets out his sharpest cry yet and comes hard, showering Carlos’ chest and stomach with his release. His hand doesn’t let up, wrist flicking back and forth to work every last drop out of himself.

Carlos writhes against the sheets, moaning TK’s name, so thoroughly turned on it only adds to TK’s sense of relief in finishing.

TK shudders, his breath catching in his throat as he reaches his end. Carlos rubs his back and sits up to kiss him. TK gets his fingers in Carlos’ hair, whimpering softly against his lips.

Carlos pulls back and flops back against the bed, his chest still glistening with TK’s release. TK stares in awe, unable to wrap his head around the fact that he gets to have this.

“Yours,” Carlos says quietly, seeming to read his mind.

TK pulls his gaze away from his chest and to his face again.

“This works both ways. I’m all yours too, Reyes. No take backs.”

Carlos smiles widely at this and sits up again to kiss him. TK gets swept up in it immediately, his nails scratching down Carlos’ back as he slips his tongue into his boyfriend’s mouth and explores for a few moments. TK’s mind is practically buzzing, his whole body hot and sweaty. It’s hard to even think.

“I’ll be right back,” TK says against Carlos’ lips, stealing one quick kiss before getting off of him.

Carlos settles back against the bed and ruffles his curls, taking a deep breath. TK takes a mental snapshot before leaving the room and heading for the bathroom.

His reflection is a shock to him the moment he turns on the light and sees himself in the mirror. His lips are a harsh red, his eyes bright and a little wild, hair in disarray. There’s such color in his cheeks that only darkens when he begins to blush. Through it all though, TK realizes he looks genuinely happy.

He looks away and focuses, cleaning himself up before wetting a cloth for Carlos.

He returns to the room and sits on the side of the bed, gently wiping Carlos clean. He catches his eye a few times as he works, a swooping sensation spreading in his chest and stomach each time.

“Thank you, babe,” Carlos murmurs, his fingers circling TK’s wrist and pulling him to lay beside him.

TK sets the washcloth aside and snuggles against Carlos, resting his head on his chest. He listens to his strong heartbeat, marveling at the way thuds a bit faster because of him.

“So…when and how exactly are we telling the team about us?” Carlos asks after a time, his fingertips skimming down TK’s arm.

“Well, Paul definitely knows there’s something going on between us, so that’s one less person to worry about. He kind of helped bring me up to speed on us.”

“I’m in his debt then,” Carlos says, pressing a kiss to his temple.

TK looks up at him, chin resting on Carlos’ pecs.

“Maybe we can tell the others tomorrow at game night? You can just start making out with me during Catan. They’ll catch on then and I get another excuse to kiss you. It’s a win/win.”

Carlos laughs heartily.

“And your dad, hmm? You suggesting I make out with you in front of him at work?”

TK raises a brow. “Kissing is literally the most tame thing we’ve done at the station. It’s a better alternative to everything else we’ve gotten into, no?”

Carlos’ face turns pink as he no doubt thinks of their hookups at the 126.

“You’ve got a point there,” he concedes.

“I’ll handle my dad. He’s been saying nothing but good things about you since you interviewed with us. I’m sure he’ll probably throw a parade over this.”

Carlos smiles, his thumb sweeping across TK’s cheekbone as he turns them over. He slots perfectly on top of TK as if he was designed just to fill this space.

It gets TK’s heart racing faster, especially as Carlos’ eyes drift to his lips with such longing. TK’s mouth doesn’t seem to be the only part of his body Carlos is craving as his hand settles between TK’s legs and gently strokes him.

TK laughs airily, his breath catching at the feel of Carlos’ thumb circling the head of his cock. Carlos takes his time, his touch deliberate. It changes TK’s buoyancy into something far more urgent and carnal.

“Please,” TK rasps, not even sure what he’s asking for just then, but downright desperate for more. He’s not above begging.

“I need it. I need you,” he continues, gripping Carlos’ arm and staring at him.

Carlos’ nod is subtle, but TK catches it all the same and floods with relief as Carlos spreads his legs wider, his fingertips searching.

TK tightens his hold on Carlos’ bicep, feeling pressure beginning to build in his stomach. It’s never been like this with anyone before, this instantaneous reaction and constant need.

Carlos seems to understand and feel it too as he ruts up against TK, his cock rubbing TK’s entrance. It’s enough to make TK shiver, his nails biting into Carlos’ skin as he thrusts forward. He feels greedy with his desire to have Carlos inside him; the teasing is getting to TK so badly, he’s leaking.

Carlos curses under his breath and is quick in grabbing supplies from his nightstand. It’s all so routine, yet still TK’s excitement rises just like the very first time they did this.

He relishes in Carlos fingers opening him up, his hips rolling forward over Carlos’ hand, letting him in deeper.

TK cups Carlos’ face and kisses him heatedly, his soft moans filling the room. This is all he’s wanted since day one. TK pulls back enough to look at him, his eyes searching Carlos’. He’s certain the hunger he finds there can be found in his eyes as well.

He’s desired. He’s wanted. They’ve got an entire night before them now to explore each other and nothing thrills TK more than the knowledge that they’ll both make good on this time.

He hooks a leg around Carlos’ waist, the heel of his foot locking him in at his lower back. A slow smirk spreads across Carlos’ gorgeous mouth, calculating and devastating as he works a condom over himself and aligns with TK’s entrance. TK bites back on his lower lip, heart racing as he tries to clear his mind and memorize every detail of this moment. This is hardly their first time together, but there’s weight behind it now. Meaning with official titles that makes TK want to savor it.

“Tomorrow, I’ll share you with everyone else. But tonight,” Carlos says as the head of his cock eases in, one hand holding firm at TK’s hip.

TK’s eyes roll shut, his mouth falling open as his boyfriend fills him. He feels Carlos everywhere at once. It’s overwhelming and perfect. Carlos’ name falls from his lips in a whisper, TK’s hands clutching at his shoulders. He opens his eyes once again to find Carlos staring right at him.

He grabs his coat, material far too thin for the snow outside, his eyes fixed on the blue door that calls to him like a beacon when Nancy's voice distracts him.

“You want someone to come with?”

It’s a kindness he appreciates, but Carlos is barely able to hold himself together as it is. He doesn’t need an audience for the impending breakdown he feels breathing down his neck.

“No,” he’s quick to say. Nancy’s brows furrow just marginally, concern etched into her face.

She’s already so worried about TK. The last thing he wants to do is add one more item to her list of things to be preoccupied with.

His heart breaks for her. She’s been through this before, the loss of a partner. How cruel, he thinks, for the universe to make them all repeat their worst days once again.

He politely declines, begs off for just a minute to himself before turning to leave. He walks briskly to the door, an irrational part of him ready to bolt through it. But he keeps up appearances long enough to make the journey without raising any flags.

The moment he’s through, the first tear falls and Carlos lets out a choked breath, his right hand pressing against the center of his chest where a fierce knot blooms.

Panic attacks are rare for him, but he knows enough of the telltale signs to put a name to this feeling.

The lights overhead are far too bright, the ringing in his ears too loud. It’s all too much, feeling everything at once.

His fingers bump against the concealed bit of metal under his shirt. The pads of his index and middle fingers trace the outline of a cross he hadn’t touched for about a decade before TK landed here.

He’d been compelled when he’d gone home to change. He’d packed this symbol of his faith away years ago. He’s had a complicated relationship with church, to say the least. But at a time like this, Carlos figured it couldn’t hurt to stack the deck as best he could.

He’s been lucky enough to have Tommy and Nancy at his side, holding his hands through it all and explaining the words he hasn’t been fully able to grasp.

He’ll call on a higher power, too, if that’s what it will take to get TK through this harrowing time.

Carlos’ fingers dip below the collar of his shirt, the chain warm to the touch. His vision blurs, eyes swimming with tears and his thoughts almost paralyzing.

He clings to it now like a child with a security blanket, allowing it to ground him like the very religion he once held on to.

Carlos forces his legs to move forward. He maps out the trip to the ground floor, his mind on autopilot as he manages to get himself down the hallway and into the elevator.

Mercifully it’s vacant and Carlos rests back against the paneling immediately after pressing for the button, his eyes closed as the lift descends to the first floor.

He feels every bit of the distance away from TK, but in order to fully be there, to be present at this time when TK needs him the most, he needs a short reprieve to get his head on straight. He’s no good to anyone like this now.

The pressure on his chest hasn’t let up, and it feels an awful lot like he’s dying by the time he makes it to the ground floor.

His legs barely feel as if they can support his weight any more. He looks ahead, sees the snow covered hospital grounds through the sliding glass doors but the hallway sways and he does too. The world is spinning around him and one wrong move will send him straight into oblivion.

Carlos reaches out a hand to keep himself steady against the wall but it gives. It takes him a moment to realize it’s actually a door. He needs privacy. He needs to sit, think, breathe.

Without a thought, he goes inside and stops short when he realizes where he’s wound up.

The chapel is eerily empty, save for a woman up front at the quasi altar. He supposes families and loved ones are holding bedside vigils of their own in the rooms upstairs. Or maybe, he hopes above all else, no one else in this building is grappling with a situation as severe as his.

Carlos walks slowly up the aisle, each step measured and quiet so as to not disturb the woman. But as he draws nearer, really takes a moment to look at her, Carlos stops in his tracks against the flat carpet.

“Ma?” he says.

At once the woman turns at the sound of his voice and sure enough, Carlos finds himself staring into his mother’s face, the warm brown eyes he’s been told since birth he inherited from her.

She rises from where she’s been kneeling in prayer, her head tipping to the side as she looks at him. He’s sure he looks worse for wear but there’s nothing he can do to save face.

“How are you here right now?”

With how out of it he’s been since he was ushered out of TK’s room, Carlos can’t quite put it past himself not to think he’s somehow conjured her up.

“Mitchell called me...told me what happened to TK during your shift. I thought I’d come by and see how you were holding up and to check in on him. I just stopped by here first before heading up,” she says, gesturing up to the cross.

Carlos shakes his head, blinks three times like a system rebooting.

“I’m sorry. I should have been the one to do that, to call you. I wasn’t thinking.”

Andrea crosses the room to him, reaches both her hands up and frames his face. With nowhere else to look, he holds her gaze as she speaks.

“TK is the only person you should be thinking about right now. Don’t apologize, mijo. I understand.”

Carlos closes his eyes and lightly holds on to one of her wrists, feels her strong and steady pulse and lets it sink in that she is in fact actually here. Always showing up when he needs her most.

When he opens his eyes, tears race down his face, his bottom lip quivering. He’s never felt so small as he does at this moment.

“Come here,” Andrea says, lowering her hands and leading Carlos to take a seat beside her in the first row.

The silence of the chapel presses uncomfortably on his skin, crawls up the length of his spine and just seems to grip him tight.

He stares up at the cross while fiddling with the one around his neck. He can’t shake these last few hours, the way it has all worn down as if it’s actually been days. It’s been so hard to decipher anything through all the static in his head. But he doesn’t feel as if he has a right to complain or protest. His life isn’t hanging in the balance. Just his sanity.

“Carlos,” his mom says gently, a careful hand on his knee.

Carlos’ head snaps towards her. There’s so much concern in her eyes and guilt sinks heavy in his stomach as she speaks again.

“Talk to me.”

Carlos opens and closes his mouth but he can’t seem to think, let alone put his thoughts into concise words.

“I don’t have anything to say. There’s nothing I can say to make this better, to fix this. And that kills me. I can’t help him.”

Carlos rubs the sweaty palm of his hand against the front of his jeans.

“I can’t afford to be without him—not like this.”

Truth is he has been without TK for months now and he’s barely been getting by, despite all his big talk to Marjan and everyone in his life of knowing when a thing is done. Those had just been words spoken, a front to disguise the utter pain of his seemingly perfect relationship ending. In time Carlos hoped he’d grow to believe it, trick himself into buying into his own bravado. But being here now proves in the most brutal of ways that he isn’t over TK. He could never be.

This is not a circumstance he’s willing to accept, a world in which TK Strand no longer exists.

He closes his eyes at the thought, blocks it out as best he can.

“He’s not even mine to lose,” he says softly, not even to his mother in particular. “But for his sake. His parents’. Jonah’s,” he tacks on, voice breaking over the infant’s name.

Beyond his blood relatives, TK has a family here in Austin too that will be reduced to nothing if he’s taken from them so soon.

Carlos would like to think he’s still counted among that group in TK’s eyes but he can’t say with certainty. And that cuts something fierce and raw right into the heart of him.

So much has gone unsaid these last few months and Carlos regrets every day, every second he’s let slip by out of stubbornness and pride. It all seems so inconsequential now. Foolish even, in the grand scheme of things. These months have been nothing but time wasted.

Carlos sighs, his trembling hands steepling. Beside him, his mother tuts softly and shakes her head.

“I wish I could take all of this pain away from you.”

Carlos frowns. “There’s a lot of that going around,” he says wistfully.

He’d give anything to save TK now, if only he had the power to do more than anything but hope and pray. It feels empty.

Carlos closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands, counts to ten and tries to remember the basic function of how to breathe.

In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Repeat.

He takes small comfort in the exercise as it actually helps to ease the tension briefly before another wave of sadness pulls him under. He blinks and sees the haunting image of the medical staff rushing to TK as he began to crash. Carlos had been unable to do anything other than look on in horror, too stunned to even move.

He’d been powerless to help. It just felt like one more way he’d failed TK.

Carlos turns to his mother now, sees the worry in her eyes for him.

“Ma, I can’t…I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough,” he admits.

Andrea opens her arms to him and Carlos goes effortlessly into her embrace. His ear presses against her heart. He counts the beats as she strokes his hair.

“No one is expecting you to be. And besides, that’s what I’m here for and your friends too. To help you carry this,” she murmurs against the crown of his head. “This is far too much for one person.”

That feels like a cop out but Carlos knows better than to say that outright. Instead he just nestles in closer against his mother, letting her arms keep him from falling to pieces.

“You feel everything so deeply,” she continues. “It’s one of the very best things about you, mi amor. But it’s a blessing and a curse, I know.”

Carlos can only agree. The highs of being empathetic can be rewarding but the lows make him feel as if he’s hit rock bottom.

“You don’t have to carry it all. You shouldn’t. It’s also okay to feel this, to acknowledge your pain. Just remember, above all else, that it's crucial you let it out. It does you no good to keep all that hurt locked up inside, Carlitos. Set it free. Give yourself permission to react.”

She places a kiss against his hair and rocks him gently. Suddenly it’s as if he’s five years old, crying over a scraped knee. He’d do anything to return to a time like that, before he knew just how badly his heart could actually hurt. Before he knew what true pain was.

Carlos shakes as a sob rips through him. It pierces the silence of the chapel until his choking breaths seem to echo off the walls but he doesn’t care. This place is meant to be a sanctuary, a refuge, a place to lay his burdens down.

Above all else, there’s no need to pretend with his mother. He can let his soul sit bare before her and she won’t judge.

His hands bunch firmly onto the back of her blouse as he lets himself feel the full weight of all that he’s been trying to keep at bay.

Within a few short months, he has lost so much already: his home, his relationship. And now—

Carlos won’t allow himself to complete the thought, to put it further into the universe for fear of willing it into existence.

TK has to make it through. For both their sakes.

Carlos doesn’t know how long he stays sobbing in his mother’s arms but she holds him without protest. In soothing tones she whispers assurances that plant themselves like seeds in his heart.

When it feels as if he doesn’t have a single tear left in him, he pulls away and dries his face.

He opens his mouth to say sorry but she shakes her head just slightly and the apology dies on his tongue. He smiles softly at her in thanks.

“What can I do for you? What do you need?” she asks.

A miracle, he thinks. A crystal ball that will show him the light at the end of this tunnel. A solemn vow from the universe that TK will pull through.

She cannot provide any of those things and he can’t ask that of her but her company is a salvation all its own.

“Just…keep sitting here with me a little while longer,” he says, reaching for her hand and lacing their fingers together.

It’s funny to think that years ago, his hand was eclipsed by hers,but he holds on just as he’d done as a child, knowing without question that so long as his mother was beside him, there wasn’t a challenge he couldn’t face.

He brushes his thumb along the back of her hand as she gives him a reassuring squeeze.

“There is one more thing you could do,” he says as he looks down at their joined hands for a moment.

“Anything, my sweet boy. Just name it.”

“Will you pray with me?”

~*~*~

Carlos resumes his post at TK’s bedside once again. He felt restored thanks to his mother inside of the chapel. But here alone in TK’s room, he can feel that confidence waning bit by bit.

He thinks of the last two times he found himself at TK’s hospital bedside. That first trip, their relationship was so undefined but it brought his feelings into stunningly clear view. He’d been able to brush TK’s hair, to offer comfort in the only ways he could at the time.

Their second trip had been scary but at least he knew TK was safe. He was awake, alert, and making jokes. At least then Carlos had a prominent role in TK’s life, and knew that he was truly wanted in that room with TK.

Now he’s not so sure, but he stays anyway. He watches the artificial rise and fall of TK’s chest, just grateful for the fact that his heart is still beating. He sits quietly, unable to take his eyes off TK as if his ex will fade right out of existence if he isn’t careful.

Since TK stepped foot into Austin, he has stitched himself to the very fabric of Carlos’ life. His mind plays back the most vivid memories of their year together, from small moments like cuddling on the couch together to big moments like celebrating birthdays. Despite these last few months apart, TK is still very much a part of him.

Carlos sighs softly as he keeps up his watch. The gentle beeps from the machines are little more than white noise. The room is barren, devoid of warmth and welcomed sounds. He feels compelled to fill it with his tangled thoughts.

“There’s so much I want to say but I don’t even know where to begin,” he starts out.

His eyes trail over TK’s unnaturally still body. His jaw clenches. This isn’t right.

“The brave thing would be to tell you that I still love you. That I’ve never stopped.”

Carlos scoffs, shakes his head at himself, picks absentmindedly at the arm of this chair he’s far too acquainted with as he thinks.

“I don’t know. Maybe it actually makes me a coward to say it now that you can’t hear me…to finally say it when you can’t even say anything back one way or another. I hope you’ve been able to feel it anyway though…these last few months, despite everything.”

This is far too much like being within the chapel, speaking aloud to someone who may not even be listening. But it’s enough just to get the words out, to unburden himself from the crushing weight of all that’s been left unspoken since he and TK called it quits.

“I’m here, TK. You aren’t alone. I need you to know that. I’m here and I love you. That might not be enough but it’s all I have to give to you right now.”

Carlos bites back on his lower lip, a fresh batch of tears prickling his eyes. TK doesn’t move, doesn’t offer any sign that he can hear a word Carlos is speaking or acknowledge Carlos’ presence.

TK’s always been like a firework against the night sky of his life, burning so bright and bursting with color all at once but gone in the next breath.

He thinks of how quickly he and TK had gotten together, how he instinctively just seemed to know that this man had the power to steal his heart. But he’d given it over willingly and would do it a thousand times over. For all the highs and lows, Carlos wouldn’t undo that, letting TK in in the first place.

Somehow, they managed to take a wrong turn and wound up on a dead-end road, but the journey had been worth it since day one. A part of him quietly held on to the hope that they’d find their way back.

But life, he’s been learning, is a sadistic creature that takes just as much as it gives.

He has no clue if his words are getting through. He wonders if touch would work but that’s not an option. TK’s left hand lies right within view but it’s an ocean away. Nothing has changed between them. His touch may not be a welcome thing.

“If this is goodbye, I can’t even hold your hand,” he says in defeat.

His palm itches with the phantom feel of TK’s skin. To go from spending over a year memorizing every inch of him to now being left with a ghost of it is dizzying. Memories are no match for the real thing but it’s the only thing Carlos has to latch on to now.

What is he meant to do with hands that can no longer hold on to the very thing that’s kept him afloat? Hands that still feel the weight of a lover that’s been lost to him for months? That may be lost to him forever now?

Carlos settles on comforting himself, his hands clasping and settling on his lap.

He swallows hard past the lump in his throat, nausea in the pit of his stomach as he looks at TK’s unmoving frame. He wonders what he might be feeling or dreaming.

He hopes, at the very least, he’s not in any pain.

“I want you to know that it’s okay,” he starts out, his voice thick with emotion. “If you’re hurting too much to hold on, TK, do w-what you need to. I’m so sorry for all of this. You shouldn’t be here right now. Not again.”

Carlos wipes at his eyes, clearing his vision long enough to get a good look at the man he dreamed of spending forever with.

“You taught me how to open my heart too, you know. I don’t think I’ve ever said it in as many words but you changed my life. You’ve given me more than I ever thought I could have. And I know we aren’t…that you might not even still…,” Carlos’ jaw clenches, his face crumpling.

This doesn’t sit well yet it needs to be said.

“You’ll always be my best friend and the love of my life. Thank you for that, TK...for letting me in, even for a little while. Your heart is my home.”

Carlos lets out a sharp breath. None of this even feels real yet he knows he’s living out his worst nightmare in real time. TK has been through hell and back and has always come out the other side.

Would it be asking too much of him or the universe to pull off one last trick? It feels wrong to think it yet the words still fall from his lips.

“If there’s still some fight left in you, please come back to me. To all of us,” he quickly amends.

It’s a selfish request, he knows, but if he’ll take any odds. TK’s pulled it off before. Despite how dire this situation is now, his faith will always be in TK’s strength.

Carlos isn’t sure how much time has passed but he doesn’t budge from his seat. He’ll wait until the end of time he has to.

He looks on as TK remains still. The world as Carlos knows it is confined here in these four walls. Whatever exists beyond them doesn’t register.

Carlos leans closer, aching to brush TK’s hair back soothingly as he’d done the first time he sat next to an unconscious TK in a hospital bed. Their relationship wasn’t defined then but lines have been drawn now and he won’t dare to cross them, no matter how much his heart is calling out for TK’s.

He gets as close as he can to TK without actually touching him. He studies his face, every line he’s long since committed to memory.

There’s a faint movement behind TK’s closed eyes, so faint he might have missed it if he weren’t so close. Carlos sits up at once, not even daring to breathe as he watches. TK’s fingers flex slightly and Carlos is on his feet in an instant, heart pounding.

“TK?” he whispers, his shaking hand finding his cross.

TK’s body twitches, his eyes fluttering open and Carlos lets out a sharp sob, his hand flying to his mouth at the sight of those blue green eyes.

TK blinks, his gaze casting about wildly and Carlos can see how scared he is, can only imagine how jarring this must be. TK’s hand moves to the ventilator, his eyes growing wide as he makes a muffled sound.

“It’s okay, TK,” Carlos urges. “I’m right here.”

At the sound of his voice, TK settles down and looks at him with tearstained eyes. It breaks Carlos’ heart and mends it all the same.

TK is awake, here and present and it’s more than enough. It’s everything.

TK blinks and a tear falls. Carlos steps closer to the bed, tears streaking his own face.

“I’m here,” he repeats.

Logically Carlos knows he should be racing for the nearest nurse or doctor, but he can’t move, terrified that if he steps out of this moment, this whole thing will turn out to be fiction.

TK’s breathing is hard but his face relaxes as he looks back at him. It steadies Carlos too as he holds his gaze. He only looks away at the movement of TK’s left hand as he turns it, palm up towards him.

Andrea is about to say something but TK speaks before she does.

“Take care,” TK says, giving the older couple a small, sad smile, making up his mind to take action.

Gabriel’s hand lands on TK’s shoulder and he gives him a squeeze there, and TK nods in reply before taking one last glance at Carlos.

He turns on his heels and walks away, doing his best not to run down the hall as it takes every inch of his self control to not look back.

It takes a Village series

Lost and Found (which has an in-progress sequel!)

When Snow Falls, We Listen

So Many Somethings

Soapy Dishwater Drips

10-4, I Love You

tout l'univers

no smoke left in the air

Teacher AU series

let's fall in love for the night

My Sobriety Looks Good on You

lay down your weaponry

fall apart when it hurts too much

at your fingertips

The Boss’s Son

disaster point

I also use the tag 'fic rec' when I reblog ones on here so that's a solid list to check out!

This list barely cracks the surface. The list of fics that I've read and loved in this fandom is so expansive that it's impossible to include everything on here.

I have so many more that I've loved, unfortunately, I'm not very good at keeping track of them so I'm likely forgetting a bunch. There are seriously so, so many amazing fics and writers and I need to go dig through ao3 because I'm sure there are so many more.